The SelfWork Podcast

 This week we’re going to be talking about couples therapy – and what misconceptions keep couples away from trying it. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is when a couple comes in WAY before there’s a crisis. But most don't. And these misconceptions are often the culprit; these six misconceptions keep couples out of therapy which also acts to help them avoid vulnerability.

What are some of these misconceptions? You're no longer in control. It takes too long and it's too expensive. Individual therapy is better than couples. And I'll also add some direct suggestions for those who might be talking about divorce.

Hope you'll listen in!

The listener email is one I won’t read. But it made me want to share a couple of my thoughts about why I do this podcast, and what I hope you take from it. And what I hope you don’t.

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Last week SelfWork focused on what fear has to teach you – what it may lead you to think, feel, or experience. And this week, I want to talk about panic, panic disorder, and how you can listen to, learn from, and work with panic.

If you’ve listened to SelfWork for a while now, you probably know that I experienced my first panic attack when I was in my late 20’s. Having them changed my life – I thought at the time, for the worse. But I’ve learned that, like many things, there are gifts that come into our lives that are initially experienced as unwelcome, unexpected, or hurtful.

We're also going to talk about treatment for panic. As my friend and anxiety expert Kimberley Quinlan says, to approach anxiety and challenge its hold on you, her mantra of “It’s a beautiful day to do a hard thing” applies.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a young woman who describes her father as having narcissistic traits and at the least, has been emotionally and verbally abusive. He seems to have demanded that both of his daughters care for him rather than developing lives of their own – her mom died several years ago, and now, she’s asking me what to do. The tape is a little fuzzy at times but I’ll do my best to answer her question. My answer may not be as simple as you think...

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Vital Links:

Kimberley Quinlan's guest post episode on working with your anxiety

Great article in Psych Central on stopping contact with narcissistic relative 

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I remember my dad telling me that the main thing he feared in life was to have a heart attack when he was still young. His dad had had that happen and it killed him when my father was only a teenager. My dad, when I was 16, had a heart attack. It didn’t kill him but I so remember the look in his eyes, one of acceptance but also one of demoralization. He lived until his early 80’s but his life changed – and thus our family’s life changed due to that event.

Today we’re going to be talking about coping with fear, its difference from anxiety, and the unexpected gifts it has to offer.  I’ll offer several stories of people I’ve seen and what helped them begin to cope with their fear, whether it’s fear of failure, fear of being away from family, fear like in a phobia, fears of public speaking (one of the most common), fear of death. The range of fear we can feel is immense – but in this episode, we’ll focus on some of the positive aspects of fear.

The listener voicemail is from a listener who watched my YouTube video with Lewis Howes as well as seeing my and being a part of some FB Lives that I was doing at the time. What he noticed was that I seemed “different” during the interview than I did in the FB Live session… and he’d learned something positive from that. So we’ll feature his comments a bit later!

Vital Links:

Excellent article by Carey Rossi on the gifts of fear

Article on 'healthy fear' in the Washington Post

My interview with Lewis Howes

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

I was honored to offer a TEDx talk this past year in Boca Raton, Florida. It's entitled "How to recognize perfectly hidden depression," and in it, I describe clients I've seen who'd never have seemed depressed to anyone around them. Two in particular are featured: one tried to take her life; the other came in well before that happened, but admitted he'd also had thoughts about doing the same. Having thoughts about wishing for the end of your life is much more common than many people realize—and we, as a culture, need to talk about those thoughts with one another much more transparently. Without judgment.

It's also imperative that those with an intent to die by suicide should get the help they desperately need. Yet the distinction between having thoughts about it and having a suicidal plan to carry it out is vital to understand. The first is a conversation; the second requires immediate action by whatever mental health provider or family member is told.

But if you don't feel safe to reveal such thoughts, how are those conversations ever going to happen? And that's what this episode is all about - how to talk about your depression.

The listener email is from a woman in Poland who's choosing to estrange herself from her abusive father; trust is earned not given, and there are certainly times when deciding that having no relationship - or estrangement - is the best way to protect yourself.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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Dr. Margaret and The SelfWork Podcast

Vital Links!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve stayed away from the topic of forgiveness here on SelfWork. Why? Because the word itself means very different things to different people – especially due to your culture or religious belief. But this week, I received an email from a listener that was so poignant AND was about forgiveness, that I’ve decided to talk about it, I've learned that there are emotions that are are important to acknowledge and work through in order to “get” to forgiveness. What are those emotions? Anger. And empathy.

Let me say first… forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It’s a decision. A decision based on your beliefs, yes. But also based on information and emotional processing. And forgiveness doesn’t mean returning to or trying to be okay with abuse or manipulation.

So today once again, thank you to this listener for allowing us into her life in such a meaningful way. And I invite all of you to do the same – email me at  askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com.

Vital Links: 

Check out the work of Karla McLaren on anger and forgiveness.

Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan's work on forgiveness

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

“My feelings were hurt” is a phrase very commonly used. We even use it when we talk to our children.  “Did someone hurt your feelings?” It’s kind of interesting when you think about it. Instead of asking, “What happened and how are you feeling about it?” and helping your child sort out their exact feelings, we lump them all together.

Many of us carry that lumpy mess of “hurt feelings” into our adulthood. Instead of saying, for example, “I want you to ask me what I think, or what I’d like, instead of assuming you know," you might say,  “You hurt my feelings all the time and you don’t even realize it.”

So today we'll focus on how to clean up those " hurt feelings" and express them in much clearer, healthier ways - that hopefully can lead to much better results.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve pulled what is the most downloaded episode of SelfWork’s history today because I've had to step off the stage again in my work to allow my body and mind to heal. Two weeks ago, I was in a huge hurry, bounding down my staircase, talking to my husband over my shoulder, in my clumsy Uggs boots – and I managed to pull off a head over heels tumble down the steps, eight or nine of them – and landed on a slate floor. Broken collarbone, mild concussion, and so many bumps and bruises... we won’t even go there.

I’m doing okay. Having some nightmares – which I suspected I would. My body is healing. My husband has been incredible. But I obviously got way behind – and so today I turn to Tina Turner who died this past year for a little inspiration for all of you.

This episode is about a night in my own life, when I realized that I needed to take a different role in my family. It’s what happens in healthy families. The change felt odd. But I realize now that it was the beginning of what should have been and needed to be. I think I love this concept so much because it uses a stage analogy. Roles change in families. And accepting those changes is part of being healthy in your own role, both on your own stage and the stage of your family.

Advertiser’s Links:

 

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

So many of us are living "what if" lives, meaning that we're not looking at the present and for opportunities that might be right in front of us. Instead we're worrying about the "what ifs" or "what if nots" of the world. And that can keep you in a constant state a perpetual indecisiveness. Of course, foggy thinking is a part of depression and worry is typically a huge part of anxiety. So we'll weave all that together on this episode of SelfWork.

Our SpeakPipe voicemail  for today is also about anxiety; she's talking about anticipatory anxiety as she stutters and experiences fear of ridicule because of that.  Understandably.  So, I'm going to include her excellent question in our discussion of anxiety.

Vital Links:

Excuse Me As I Kiss The Sky - a book of poetry by Rudy Francisco

Link to A Guest House by the poet Rumi

Advertisers’ Links: 

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork – moonbird. What is it? It’s the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Norman Lear is someone whose work, talent, and creativity I’ve admired for a long time. I've used an interview that he gave before he died as my inspiration for this episode, when he said about his own mortality, "It's not the going... it's the leaving that's hard."

So today on SW, we’re going to focus on endings and grieving and three facets of grief that may be surprising:

When grief is harder the second year and facing the future is hard When your grief means that you fear risking loving again When grief is characterized by "counterfactuals" - "what if's" for example - that keep you paralyzed and living the same life you did when the deceased was alive

Our Speakpipe voicemail today is from a daughter who’s looking for answers for her mom – after her mother has moved in with her own mother (the listener’s grandmother). “She feels a heavy energy…”. And asks how I can help…

Vital Links:

What are counterfactuals and how do they keep you stuck in grief?

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

Advertiser’s Links:

 

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

When I heard the name of the book my SelfWork guest - Rachel Marie Martin - has written, I knew I wanted her on the show. What's the title?  Mom Enough: Inspiring Letters for theWonderfully Exhausting but Totally Normal Days of Motherhood (Dexterity, September 26, 2023). In it you'll find greatly affirming letters written for moms at various stages of motherhood, from the melancholic to the "tear your hair out" to the poignant.

Mom enough. It reminded me of an early psychological researcher, Winnicott,  who was the first guy to stop blaming moms for all their children's psychological problems. He called it, "the good enough mother." And I know that's what I tried to be. Good enough. A

Rachel is also the founder of the popular social media community FindingJoy.net, as well as an author and host of the very popular FB page also called Finding Joy where millions of readers learn from her.  I loved having her on SelfWork - and I know you'll enjoy her thoughts about everything about motherhood. And realizing just how hard it is.

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Vital Links:

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

You’re getting back (or will be soon) to the office or to work or school.. and you start hearing about what everyone else did over the holidays. Maybe you’ve already seen stuff on social media that seems to tell their story. Maybe you’ve scrolled Instagram reels or watched hilarious TikToks. Your own life may shrink in comparison - especially if you're living in fear.

That's the topic for today. How to confront your fear of missing out (FOMO) or how to stop chasing the "next best thing" and instead, to live in joy (JOMO) or at least contentment. Here's Lauren Cook's and Dr. Cathy Sullivan Windt's definition of JOMO: "JOMO is the satisfaction one feels in the current moment, with accompanying acceptance of what one doesn’t have in that moment.” (their article is linked below...).

Vital Links:

Lauren Cook and Dr. Cathy Sullivan-Windt's wonderful article on JOMO:

An earlier SelfWork episode on FOMO

Advertiser’s Links:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

Today we’re going to focus on how the inner child model of therapy has been used and what exactly does it mean. Simply put (which to me is always the best way), how much does a client realize and connect with the idea that their past is influencing their present. I’ll offer a story about how that connection is made in therapy if it has not been so far. It’s definitely something that many struggle with – as they battle the belief that what happened years ago might be impacting who they think of themselves now.

The listener voicemail for today is one I somehow missed last year – and I apologize for that! Because it’s an excellent comment: How do therapists experience their own struggles with what the listener called “moral injury,” compassion fatigue and burnout?  I’ll look forward to talking about my own struggles and way of trying to achieve, or I should say maintain, my own stability as a therapist.

Advertisers' Links: 

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

VeryWell Mind article on inner child work

Forbes article on Internal Family Systems therapy

SelfWork Episode on Dissociative Identity Disorder with Lynn Barrett

Differences in moral injury and burnout

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I've never laughed harder than in this interview with the self-proclaimed "failfluencer" Erin Diehl!

Erin is a Top 1% podcast host, Founder & CEO of improve it!, and one of the most electric keynote speakers in the world, using her work as an improvisational actor to teach you and me how our bodies are trying to give us messages about the healing that needs to happen. She's been on global stages with companies like Amazon, LinkedIn, and The Obama Foundation.

As a graduate from Clemson University, a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional, and a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago--including The Second City, Erin can speak to anything from how every day of your life is an "improv scene" to the moment she discovered her chronic back pain was a result of unresolved emotional trauma.

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Vital Links:

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I received an email from one of you that saddened me. It opened with, “Listening to today’s podcast has left me feeling more hopeless than ever.”

Hopelessness. Feeling despair. And its counterpart – helplessness, which is believing that nothing can be done to prevent what’s happening - are two of the worst feelings of depression, and two of the ones non-depressed people often can’t seem to understand. Maybe even my own mantra that I repeat in almost every episode, “Look for what you can do about," for those who are fighting these two demons – sounds like I’m skimming the surface of deeper depressions and not talking about the heavy burden and darkness that you might feel.

Since I’ll be using much of this one listener’s email, we won’t feature another for today. I promise you this listener’s life holds much to be understood, and to have compassion for.

She did say toward the end, “I felt the need to write this.  Much of it has never seen the light of day.  Perhaps that alone might help?

I can only hope that featuring her email might help as well.

Advertisers' Links: 

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on "stinkin' thinkin'

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

One of the reasons why many people suffer during the so-called “holiday” season is because it’s the first - or one more of many holidays - that they’re actively grieving a loved one’s death within the last year or even farther away – and they cannot seem to work through their grief enough to want to step back into life. Into living this moment that’s right before them.

I tuned into a Hidden Brain episode  this week that discussed a recently researched concept of grief in a very personal way, as resilience researcher Lucy Hone told the story of her own nightmare - the death of one of her children. So, I wanted to pass her ideas on to you – as you might be one of those people who are struggling with grief – and not knowing how to get out from under its shadow.

Our listener email is a from a listener who says he’s been diagnosed with what’s called “schizoaffective disorder” – and wonders if I know much about – or can help him with – intrusive thoughts that he can’t seem to rid himself of.

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Vital Links:

Stroebe and Schut research in 1999

Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, by Lucy Hone, 2017

My own recent podcast on grief

Schizoaffective disorder symptoms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Here at SelfWork, we focus on what you can do about it - right? I preach and I encourage all of you to figure out the one thing that’s in your control and make a change that will help you with your sense of wellness. Like all of you, I laugh at memes and try to take myself with a grain of salt. Usually, I think I’m pretty good at this… but not the last few weeks.

I’ve been in the dumps.

So today we're going to spend some time talking about being in the dumps and the slumps - as well as getting over the humps (the murky middle of a journey where you can lose sight of hope. And as always, "what you can do about it."

Our Speakpipe voicemail of the week is from a woman who checks in with my website and left a message there – which all of you can do at drmargaretrutherford.com! Love her question about whether to “let someone with apparent BPD” know that you’ve learned what they did in a fit of rage. It feels like you’re keeping a secret.. and a powerful one… But what makes it so powerful? That’s where my answer will lie – how does this voicemailer want to use that power?

Advertisers' Links:

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback. Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises. For their special Black Friday offer of 20% off (November 20-27th, 2023) or 10% off after Black Friday, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

I’m so excited about this new SelfWork sponsor and I’m doing something a bit unusual and letting you know about it today! Because they have a Black Friday double discount offer that’s sensational – and I wanted to quickly pass it on to you!

The product is moonbird..

Used by over 25,000 people in Europe, moonbird is the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback (which I was trained in years ago and very much believe in!) Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises..

It's the brainchild of Stephanie Broes (a PhD researcher) and her brother, Michael, and was created out of her experience suffering from insomnia and exhausting all other options

What does it do? Moonbird uniquely measures your heart rate and heart rate variability to guide you to change your own breathing patterns when you download their free app – but basically you hold device in your hand – and you can feel it moving in and out. And you follow it. Simple as that.

Just click here and enter the code SELFWORK for $20 off this week! It's for Black Friday week only! If you balk at the price, think of all the sleep aids you’ve bought over the years – I have a drawer full of them!

All I can say is – enjoy! And learn to breathe! It’s what you can do about your stress, your insomnia – and your life!

Photo Attribution: Tim Goedhart/Unsplash

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

As TikTok has taken over the world of social media throughout the last few years, many psychological trends have become increasingly popular, and could be more harmful than helpful. Glowing up, bed rotting, and lucky girl syndrome are only three of the harmful effects the so-called "psychological help" on TikTok and other outlets can bring - and we have a fantastic expert here today on SelfWork to discuss them.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is an NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C. a neuropsychological, developmental and educational center in Manhattan and Queens. Dr. Hafeez masterfully applies her years of experience connecting psychological implications to address some of today’s common issues such as body image, social media addiction, relationships, workplace stress, parenting and psychopathology, and often shares her credible expertise to various news outlets in New York City and frequently appears on CNN and Dr.Oz.

Advertisers' Links: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Out of curiosity,  l listened to an older voicemail this week. It was from "this time last year." How many times have you said that to yourself, "This time last year I... " Maybe the end of that sentence is joyful. Maybe it's sad. But it's an exercise in self-reflection - which is the topic for today's SelfWork.  This particular question is a  sort of time travel in your own head and heart.

Self-reflection isn't about over self-involvement: it’s what we humans can do to get perspective and learn ways you might be getting in your own way of creating the life you want. Show you how to move out of depression or anxiety. And when you pair self-reflection with action - it can lead to healing change. 

So here are the self-reflective questions that lead to action that we’re looking at today.

What am I needing to still learn? What have I learned? When do I recognize that I need to put something new in place? Where was I last year at this time? What did I learn? What did I find out about myself? Why am I doing what I’m doing? What’s my purpose? How do I want to put the answers to these questions in place in very real ways in my life?

Advertisers' Link: 

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re focusing on your choice to be transparent and how it can be important in your mental health. Self-transparency. Think of it like this – if you put a lot of energy into covering up – into not allowing anyone to see your own struggles. There can be repercussions from that. You’re living in fear of being known – of being seen. What are you so afraid of people seeing? And what would have to happen for you to risk transparency?

The SpeakPipe voicemail is from a listener who wants to know how she can determine her own diagnosis, if it’s CPTSD or BPD. She’s worried about her own kids – so I’ll do my best to answer her. But let’s just say – anyone who’s concerned about their impact on their children already may have my vote as NOT having BPD – but we’ll talk more about that dynamic.

Advertisers' Links: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

Talking about narcissism has become somewhat of a national pastime in the US at least. Everyone is calling someone who used them or who they felt manipulated by a narcissist. And perhaps they are – or were. But what exactly is narcissism and how is it different than healthy self-esteem? Is it on a spectrum or can it ever be helpful?  Is it necessary to have a bit of it to have self-confidence?  And how does humility play into this? Or is "humility" weakness?

I’ve seen some dramatic examples in the last few years of things going wrong for my clients– when the focus on self and the need to be and look successful has led to a huge escalation of depression (sometimes silent as in perfectly hidden depression) due to way over-the-top feelings of failure – rather than allowing that to be an example of making a mistake and learning from it. Or of life handing you some hard, even cruel, or tragic experiences.  In our self-focused world, this kind of acceptance can be punitively described as accepting failure -  instead of what humility truly is – recognizing your true place in the universe, not buying in too much to your successes, your desires, or your failings.

To me, humility is the moderating factor to prevent narcissism from becoming destructive, and instead promotes self-esteem and self-love rather than self-worship or self-centeredness.

The listener email today is about finding out about a spouse’s affair with a work colleague and how to discuss whether the spouse should leave that workplace or not. It’s a sticky discussion and one I’ve witnessed many times in my office as a couple tries to balance regaining trust with other factors, like financial stability.  People have tried some very unhealthy solutions which’ve only created more distrust, not less. Regaining and rebuilding trust can be a full-time job, but months of hypervigilance isn’t going to be helpful.

Vital Links:

Psych Central article written by Hilary Lebow on healthy versus unhealthy narcissism

Article by Dr. Dimitrios Tsatiris on the power of humility

https://drmargaretrutherford.com/005-selfwork-after-an-affair-the-essential-steps-of-regaining-trust/

Advertisers' Links: 

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I could think of no better way to continue this 8^th season of SelfWork than to feature your questions and comments! Whether you communicate through email or voicemail or through my website contact form, YOU are the lifeblood of SelfWork. Yes, it’s true I often use what my own clients either have gone through or are going through as my “inspiration” for these episodes. Yet hearing from you means so much. It’s like turning up the lights in an auditorium so the person speaking can see the audience – it helps me see you. And your three topics for today are compatibility vs commitment, facing constant anger from your partner, and feeling abandoned by friends. So thank you!

All of these listeners are dealing with situations that have been ongoing for months if not years – so even though they don’t necessarily say “I’m depressed,” yet these kinds of relationship problems that drag on and on can certainly be a set-up  for symptoms of depression, like hopelessness or helplessness.  All three are about boundaries – the difficulty of setting them, of maintaining them, and  when you get hurt by or don't understand them.

Advertisers' Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Come celebrate with us! SelfWork is having its seventh anniversary so we're celebrating by bringing on the whole team! Please join me, Christine Mathias and John Crowley for a completely spontaneous conversation (which you'll be able to tell...) about our topic for today - the seven year itch! (Sounds appropriate don't you think?)

I'm offering seven ideas (keeping in the swing of things): three on how to avoid the itch altogether; one to use if you feel the itch to leave or to not act out what you know is best; and three more to help you keep on keeping on, growing in trust and intimacy with one another.

I'll announce the winner of Marriage Is Not for Chickens as well!

Advertiser's Link:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Research Links!

Wikipedia's take on the seven year itch

Dr. DiDonato writes in Psychology Today about seven year itch

Your career and the seven year itch

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

October is ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) Awareness Month. SelfWork has never focused on this very difficult disorder, often affecting children who are what's now called "neurodivergent" but in the past, have been unjustly stigmatized as "lazy, stupid, or crazy" which was finally described in 2006 for the actual processing difference it is in the now classic book, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?.

But ADHD contains hyperactivity as a symptom of the disorder; what used to be called ADD, or simple attention deficit disorder, is now labeled as inattentive ADHD. And these kids (and adults) often slip through the cracks of adult recognition, because they're seen more as daydreamers, or unmotivated, not causing the classroom behavioral problems that hyperactive kids can seem to create. But they still can truly struggle and... go unseen.

Cynthia Hammer has a new book, Living with Inattentive ADHD:  Climbing the Circular Staircase of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, where she offers her own hard-earned wisdom of living with IADHD. I found the book at times chilling because of the dangers she could put herself in, poignant as she lives through tremendous sorrow of the accidental death of her first child, and hopeful, as - at almost age 80 - she shares what she's learned about surviving and thriving.

Advertiser's Link: 

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

John Crowley, my audio engineer/editor extraordinaire, chose this episode this week as I'm getting back from vacation. My gratitude to him for many, many things! But he gives you some info on what this episode's message was for him and what I hoped it would be.

Today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – as well as a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders. But what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy.

The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how to leave or get other help. This could be something called “munchausen’s syndrome by proxy” which is a very complicated dynamic – but it might also be that this daughter’s mom has been part of her trauma. I’ll offer suggestions for both..

Advertisers' Links:

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Scads of Important Links!

 

A recent Forbes article… discussing how your brain processes physical and social pain.

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part One (SelfWork Podcast)

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part Two (SelfWork)

An article on somatic disorders found on VeryWellMind.

How To Become An Emotional Grownup I don’t have time sadly to discuss all of it...

A recent Psychology Today article about different techniques that you can try to "get at" your body's holding on to trauma. And encouraging it to let go.

Article on FDIA. Facticious Disorder imposed on another

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I have such a fantastic production team in Christine Mathias, my communications manager, and John Crowley, my audio engineer. And so I want to thank them for pulling the next two episodes off for me while I'm on vacation with my family!

This was Christine's choice as one of her favorites, and she introduces this week's episode in this "second time around" listen. The focus is on how to interview a potential therapist, a task which stop SO many people from even trying therapy. I agree with her about how important this info is. So I hope - actually we hope - it's great info for you.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpostarticles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought whatever happened to cause your shame was somehow your 'fault.'

Advertisers' Links:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Vital Links:

The podcast episode also talking about the problem of feeling invisible. 

An Unquiet Mind written by Kay Redfield Jamison,

My first podcast episode on What Is Good Therapy?

An Open Counseling article explaining licensure and training differences between therapists

My podcast on whether to terminate therapy

The different family roles that you can adopt and play

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Trigger Warning: We're talking about sibling sexual abuse in this episode. The links for sexual abuse hotlines are below.

I’ve had so many guest interviews on SelfWork – really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there’s something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they’ve learned something the hard way – and they want to help others either through what they went through or to avoid it in the first place.

Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make – but also were freeing.

Many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar – and have tried, as Jane did for many years – to sweep it under the rug. A stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling – and you’ve blamed yourself. Or felt a shameful heaviness.

Please know, you are far, far from alone.

Advertiser's Links:

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Vital Links:

Jane Epsteins TEDxBocaRaton Talk:

Great sexual abuse website for sibling abuse:

The 501-3-C non-profit 5WAVES.org - Jane's (and others) website for support

International Sexual Abuse Hotline thru RAINN

I want to thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who’ve come forward. It takes tremendous courage.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript:

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and we have a wonderful guest for you today. I wanna make sure you hear however, that this episode does discuss sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse. So please heed a trigger warning and we'll have sexual abuse hotline suggestions in the show notes.

You know, I've had so many guest interviews here on Selfwork, really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there's something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they've learned something the hard way, and they want to help others, either through what they went through or to avoid the experience in the first place.

Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her for a six year period of time. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make, but also were very freeing. And I want to quickly say, many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar and have tried, as Jane did for many years, to sweep the memories under the rug. Maybe it was a stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling, and you've blamed yourself or felt a shameful heaviness. So that's what we're talking about today on SelfWork.

But before we continue, let's hear a brief message from Magnesium Breakthrough. You wanna give their product a try if you have too many sleepless nights, maybe from your own troubling memories.

Magnesium Breakthrough Ad:
I hope you truly enjoyed some time with family and friends this summer and got to take a break from the daily grind and enjoy your life. Perhaps you've indulged a bit on ice cream to beat the heat, or a margarita or two. Gosh, lots of indulgence may become the norm, but now kids are back in school and it's time to get back on track. If you struggle to return to your health routine, there are three major things to prioritize healthy eating, exercise, and above all, quality sleep. 'cause sleep is the key to your body's rejuvenation and repair process. It actually controls hunger and weight loss hormones, boosts energy levels, and it impacts countless other functions. That's why I take Magnesium daily, but not any supplement. I got Magnesium Breakthrough because it's just better. It's made by BIOptimizers and I, I highly recommend it. It has seven forms of magnesium designed help you fall asleep, stay asleep, and wake up refreshed. And guess what? If you get more sleep, you're gonna find out that your healthy eating and exercise may be a little easier to do. So visit magbreakthrough.com/selfwork. Don't forget to enter Code SelfWork10 for 10% off any order. Once again, it's magbreakthrough.com/selfwork.

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
I should tell you before we begin, how I met Jane Epstein. She actually did a TEDx talk for Boca Ratone and I watched it and we had the same coach. That's sort of a neat bond for us to share, but we talk about our TEDx experience a little bit here too. So please listen to this episode. Please click the link to Jane's TEDx talk, which will be in the show notes, or go to my website, drmargaretrutherford.com, and you can find it there. Another website that Jane has told me about, which is really wonderful is www.siblingsexualtrauma.com.

But just know you are far, far from alone.

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
I couldn't be happier to have you on SelfWork Jane, because I have listened to your TEDx many, many times. And we shared a coach, which was kind of fun. And so I, I looked at yours as to say, well, what would it be like to to work with Brian Miller? But I personally today wanna hear more about your story. About one of my questions as I looked at it is, how did you talk to your family about it? Or, or did you say, "No, it's my story to tell."  Just what and what made you, what brought you to TEDx in the first place?

Speaker 2: Jane Epstein
First of all, thank you for having me on your show. Of course, I, I have listened to a couple of your podcasts and I, I've listened to you and I've listened to your TEDx and you are very trauma informed, and you are very kind and compassionate and lots of wisdom. So I appreciate being on your puck. Thank you.

First thing, what brought me to TEDx and how did I tell my family? Me, I don't remember the exact timeline, but I started Googling sibling sexual abuse and trauma, and I couldn't find anything on it. And I, I had this feeling that I wasn't the only one. I thought, I can't be the only person. 'cause I found two outdated articles that stated that it's a silent epidemic, right? I was, okay, well, if it's an epidemic, I'm clearly not the only six year old little girl. My my sibling who was 12 at the time, is not the only 12 year old child who, who an abused a sibling. So I just was called to start talking about it, and I reached out to my sibling. It was very awkward. And I expressed to him, I said, "I feel called to start talking about this and sharing my story because no one's talking about it. And it's a silent epidemic." And he said he understood and that he would support me in whatever way he can.

Speaker 1:
I get chill bumps when I hear that.

Speaker 2:
Yes. He, I'm, I have a very unique situation. I've been able to forgive him. I can call him and ask him questions. I'll say, I had this memory, is this true? And he's very careful to not give me more information. Mm-hmm. , because he knows I have enough to work with. I don't need any more triggers. I don't need any more memories. Mm-hmm. . And I also think that because of what happened between us, that he's hypervigilant and that he's got his eyes on other families, and that he sees that there could potentially be problems and sexual abuse occurring. And because sibling sexual abuse is so prevalent and not talked about, I think we are seeing things and not always able to put our finger on it. In

Speaker 1:
Your talk, you quote in your talk, you quote statistics like it's three to five times - It happens three to five times more than father daughter abuse, which is incredible. It starts earlier. It lasts for years often. So you're right. And it, it is something I, I remember I wrote a post on sex, uh, sibling sexual abuse. I got all kinds of comments. So yes, you're exactly right.

Speaker 2:
Yes. I listened to your podcast on the sibling sexual abuse, and it was very well done. Thank you. You're, you're very informed, . Thank you.

So I started talking to my brother and I said, I need, we need to talk about this. We need to, we need to do this. Um, or I need to do this. And I had these great grand visions because there's so much work that needs to be done. Well, it's a marathon on its front . So I started pitching the media, it, my emails were either not opened or not responded to. One response was, "Well, we haven't ever talked about that, but if we do, we'll reach out". And I'm thinking, you're not gonna talk about it. So I come across a video with Brian Kenneth Miller, our joint TEDx coach. And he had gone through, what is a TEDx? What is a TEDx?

Speaker 2:
What is not a TEDx? Because I thought, "Well, I'll go on TEDx and I'll share my story and I'll raise the alarm bell." Well, TEDx is not sharing your story, but I thought, well, I'll book a call with him anyways. So I booked a call with him and he said, "A tough topic, but I think we could come up with something." So we started talking about it, and it is, it's a tough topic, it's a dark topic. And Brian was never told me this, but he was concerned, how am I gonna get on the TEDx stage? Mm-hmm. . So we started going down the path of how to support someone who's been through a traumatic event. And I was gonna slide sibling sexual abuse and trauma through the back door. Okay. Which would not have been a great talk because there's lots of how to support people who've gone through trauma. It would not have been

Speaker 1:
Not unique,

Speaker 2:
Impactful, not unique, not impactful. It might have gotten on stage, but not likely. So then I heard from TEDx Boca Raton, and I sat down with Eric and Eric said, look, you know, we like your idea, but we really wanna know more about the sibling sexual abuse and trauma. Can you talk just about that? And I said, yes, I can. And I pointed to all my research books and I started spouting off all these statistics. And he said, "Great, that's what we want you to talk about". And I said, excellent. And that's how it all started. And I didn't mean to be on the TEDx, it's just that's kind of where I landed. And I, you know, once I was approved and started practicing my TEDx talk, I started having all the anxieties of speaking in front of a large crowd, but practiced and practiced and practiced. And the day I got on that stage, I just, they basically, there's something magical about that red dot. Maybe it's true. I got on that red dot and all was okay. But I was shaking..

Speaker 1: Oh, I was perfectly calm. .

Speaker 2:
It's amazing what you can make, even though the camera, you know, the camera shows all, oh, it was done. Well, you did aYou did a really wonderful job.

Speaker 1: And, and one of the things that I thought was so powerful about it, again, you've already mentioned it, was that your, your brother had, he had apologized, but then he had, you had written to him years later and he said, "Oh gosh, I didn't know this was still a thing for you." So I'm sure this solidified for him, again, the seriousness of the trauma, the impact that that had had on you, uh, and that it had, it had, uh, impacted your choices as an adult. And when you left home and it was, it was a elegant story. Well, it's, call it elegant is missing the point of that. It was very painfully uh, impactful. So, um, yeah, I mean, you made, you made some career choices that were obviously you trying to get back in control, but it didn't work.

Speaker 2:
Right. Right. And I'm not sure he understands the full impact. We've never sat down and, and talked about it. It's, it's like, it's a, it's a strained relationship.

Speaker 1:
Okay.

Speaker 2:
Um, but it, it's friendly enough in that I can reach out to him. I haven't reached out to him for a while, but I would can reach out to him and say, "I had this memory, is this a false memory? Is this true? Is this what happened?" And he is very careful the way he answers it, because he does, doesn't wanna trigger me and give me more memories. 'cause I have plenty to work with. Sure. He understands why I'm so public. He's not exactly thrilled about it. But, you know, I was in the People magazine and I had to run that by him. And, and the pictures, I ran the pictures by him. And that, it's hard. Uh, it's hard because it's putting him in a, in a, in a tough situation. But in my situation, in my story, my sibling is not a monster. My sibling is not a pedophile. My sibling caused a lot of harm, caused a lot of damage, caused a lot of trauma. And I, I have forgiven him. Um, and I'm not telling every survivor, you have to forgive to heal. That is not my, that's not my thing. It's just that's what worked for me. And it started by forgiving the little girl first, my little girl myself. And then I was able to forgive him.

Speaker 1:
Well, an aspect of this that I wanted to talk to you about a little bit more was you opened the talk by saying that you were in marital work with your husband, and your therapist turned to you and said, "I, I just don't get where all this anger is coming from. It doesn't seem to fit the situation." And, and then ask the very astute question of, "Is there something that might be, is triggered by what's going on with your husband? And that's what's, that's what we're seeing". And you, did you, did you connect the dots right then? Or did it take you a while? It took a while. It was your sexual abuse that was getting somehow, maybe you can talk about that a little bit. What was getting triggered with your husband?

Speaker 2:
Right. Many years before, before we were in counseling, something happened in the bedroom that, that triggered a memory. And that memory would not go away. Usually memories would come and go and I could put them away. And I thought it was just two kids being curious. That's not my problem.

Speaker 1:
Okay.

Speaker 2:
I thought because I'd lost, I lost my first husband to cancer and I got remarried to my, my husband. Now I try not to use current husband 'cause he doesn't like to be the current husband. .

Speaker 1:
Well, my husband calls

Speaker 2:
Himself

Speaker 1: )
. We've been married 33 years, and he calls himself my current husband. So ,

Speaker 2:
He's a good sport then. Yeah. . Yeah. So I had thought, I knew we had two small children. He had a stressful job. I had, I was still dealing with grief. And I thought, that's why I'm angry. That's why I am upset. That's why I was not depressed in my brain. I was not depressed because no, I had survived burying my first husband, and I survived that. So there's no way I could be depressed.

Speaker 1:
I have a, I have a book for you to read, . I know

Speaker 2:
You do. I am in that category. So we eventually went to marriage counseling and I went into the marriage counseling thinking, okay, he's gonna fix my husband, gonna fix him. Well, I had work to do too, fix too, when it comes to that. So we were in counseling for five years and we really had made a lot of progress. But I was still very, very angry. And I had asked myself, I had dug down and I thought, maybe it's something inside of me. I've tried to turn over every stone that maybe there's something inside of me that needs work. Mm-hmm. . So when the marriage counselor asked that question, I thought, well, there is this. My brother sexually abused me. There's that. And I approached it as, it can't be that because I participated. Right. So who am I to be messed up over that?

Speaker 2:
And the counselor, I kind of describe it as the deer in the headlights look. He's kinda like trying to sit still and kind of leaning in and trying to be very calm, realizing, okay, this is a big deal. No, what happened is a big deal. Right. And that it went on and off for six years. And that No, that was a big deal. And he said, "You're gonna need to tell Steve". And I said, huh. Steve's my husband. Mm-hmm. Current husband mm-hmm. . I said, oh, no, because then he'll be able to blame all our marriage problems on me. And he said, you need to be able to tell him to protect yourself in order and to, to be able to heal. So that's how that all started. And then I started a whole new healing process.

Speaker 1:
It's amazing. I've told a story on, on SelfWork about a woman. Um, and I already put a cautionary warning before we started. So great. Uh, a woman came in to see me who, um, it was the local community center. I literally had just gotten to Arkansas where I live now. And, and she said, you know, she told me about sexually abu abuse that her father had, um, had done to her. And then she, and there was this huge sense of relief. And then she came in the next week and she said, I've got something worse to tell you. So I sat back and said, all right. And she said, my dad made me do things to my brother . And she, she was a tough cowboy kind of woman. She had boots and, you know, she was farm girl. I mean, she was tough as nails.

Speaker 1:
And she teared up and, and we talked about it. And then she, she canceled her next appointment. And I called her and said, I'm, you've, you've shared so much with me, I'm a little concerned that you're not coming back in. Yeah. She said, well, okay, I'll come back in one more time. And she looked at me, Jane, and she said, I thought I would, I knew the look that would be on your face when I told you that I had done something to my brother. Because from her perspective, she had participated rather than being coerced herself. You know, it was, it was her doing something to her brother. And I said, you know, so, and she said, but the look on your face was not condemnation. It was, well, of course you did what your dad told you to do. Right. Um, and then there are other instances I I, uh, I mentioned before when we were just talking about a, a little girl who wore a red nightgown for her brother. Um, because she, she said, I enjoyed the attention. I knew something was wrong, but I, I didn't get any attention from anybody except from him. And so it was very complex and very complicated. But that whole idea of participation is so, um, is, is so confounding for any victim of sexual abuse, but especially with sibling sexual abuse, I think.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. And I, I wanna share with you that I've actually had some people who, when I, when I speak about the child who caused harm, there are situations where the child causes a lot more than harm. And I try and, and, and lower it a little bit so that parents hear me. Mm-hmm. , because if I scream your child, the pedophile or your child, the monster, your child, the perpetrator, they're not going to hear me. Right. 'cause if I talk about it in a more gentle as your child who caused harm, they're more likely to hear me. So that's why I approach it that way. But I understand that there are survivors out there where it was a lot more than harm. Yes, I understand that. Yes. But I have heard from people who have caused harm and they are suicidal. You're right. And so that's why we talk about this, because we don't want our children to be on any side of it.

Speaker 2:
Or I feel like if we raise awareness, if we educate our children, maybe we can lessen the numbers. You know, if we talk to our teenagers when they're 10, 12 and explore with them, say, Hey, you're experiencing a lot of changes. You've got a lot of questions. And I understand you may not be able to come to me as your parent, but you are at risk of harming another child, either a younger sibling or a cousin. And so we need to talk about this. What do you know when you have these feelings? And, and we need to talk about pornography. So that's why I I I am, it's an all encompassing, it's a whole family trauma. And, and I work very closely with the women of Five Wave, I dunno if you know anything about the Five Ways, but there's three parents and two survivors.

Speaker 2:
We've come together. And so the parents have shared their stories when they discover sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes and what the parents go through. Yes. What the survivor goes through, what the person who cause harm goes through. If we just talk about it and raise awareness and, and educate people and quit shoving it under the rug, maybe we can lift the numbers. Maybe we can get people help. Because you are a very, you're an informed therapist. You, you are very informed. A lot of therapists I've heard from survivors, they'll, they'll tell a survivor, well, you know, kids are curious. You are very informed. We need more of you . We really do.

Speaker 1:
Let me ask you something. Are there statistics? 'cause I'm not aware of them. If there are, and I'd love to know, um, about how many of the siblings be they girls or boys, we might point out it's not necessarily, um, and of course, or, or any gender identification. Um, absolutely. And how, what are the statistics on whether they have been abused themselves and then turn around and abused?

Speaker 2:
Unfortunately, we don't really have those statistics. We need more research. And the women of five Waves, we've actually had people, researchers are reaching out to us, asking us to share their surveys. So there is progress. Again, it's the marathon, not the sprint. So we are trying to gain more, more insight into that. And that's another thing is that I, I hear from survivors a lot. They reach out to me and they say, well, you know, my sibling did this to me, or my cousin did this to me, and then I did it to another child. And that there's shame on top of shame. Yes, indeed. And that happens a lot. Happens a lot. Mm-hmm. . But we don't have those statistics. Again, we need more research and we need more awareness and we need to be talking about it. And that, that's why I'm very loud.

Speaker 1:
What, what is the name of the organization that you Women of five.

Speaker 2: (20:58)
Okay. So it's called Five Waves Worldwide Awareness

Speaker 1: (21:02)
Wave. W A V E Ss. Correct.

Speaker 2: (21:04)
Worldwide Awareness, Voice, Education and Support. Okay. The way we came together, I've just been out there being very loud. And I am a moderator of a Facebook group for all types of survivors. And we kept having parents keep trying to join. And we're like, well, this is for survivors. So I went to find a parent support group, and through that I found a parent who had started a Facebook group for parents experiencing sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes. In their homes. So I reached out to her and I tried to join her group and she politely declined . And then I had a person reach out to me, Brandy Black, which is a pen name, to protect her family. Mm-hmm. . She said, look, it's been during Covid this happened in my home. I couldn't find any research, I couldn't find any resources on it. So I developed a website. Will you look at it? I promised my children to have a survivor look at it. And I said, whoa, this is amazing. Great. That's something I don't have to do. Was on my list. And I started looking at her website, Brandy Black.

Speaker 1: (22:03)
Oh, black. Okay.

Speaker 2: (22:04)
Black. I said, I can't get through this. I'm writing my TEDx. So I pulled in another survivor that I knew who was public, Maria Awa. And then I reached out to the woman who ran the Facebook group. And we all came together as 5WAVES. Oh, see. And the parents shared their stories. We shared their stories. So what we have through this organization, it's now 5 0 1 C three, is we are becoming thought leaders in this arena, or it's all out of a matter of, of, of caring. But we all have unique perspectives and we just wanna raise awareness. We want families to have support. We want families to have resources. We, you know, obviously one day we'd love to have this go away, but we aren't, you know, we aren't that optimistic. It, it's been going on forever.

Speaker 1:
Two cases come to mind that are the opposite. Um, both of them were difficult. One case, um, a case, one woman's story, um, was, uh, I was seeing the mother actually in therapy, and her daughter told her that her brother had sexually abused her. Um, the mother went to another state and confronted the, the brother. And he said, yes, he had, it took them probably it would took them years. I'm not sure how many, because the mother had to do her own work. The, the daughter, um, started working on herself. Um, 'cause she was definitely making choices that were very, um, tied to that, uh, that kind of abuse. So was the perpetrator the, or you go the person who did harm? He got his therapy finally. They got together and did therapy. But it was a long time before this family got together for Thanksgiving or, you know, anything like that, because the, the, the pain was just too real.

Speaker 1:
And, and yet I, they gradually worked toward that. It was marvelous to see the kind of healing that could actually take place when everybody was, and the mother, you know, had to take some responsibility for saying was I checked out. I mean, you know, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Um, and so they did great work. You know, I also have an example of a patient who I was seeing the daughter who was abused. The sister who was abused, uh, when she was a toddler, she had a twin. And she didn't remember it until the twin did. And then they confronted the family together. Actually, before she saw me. The family kind of nodded. It was an older brother. The older brother said, it wasn't me. I think it was a neighbor. Um, that wasn't true. And not a word was said about it again.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. It's very common.

Speaker 1:
And she was, she had the kind of family where they expected her to be there at every birthday, at every anniversary, at every holiday, at every religious event. I mean, and it was every time she was, she had anorexia still does. She would just not eat for days, um, after a home visit. So it, you know, those two situations are so contrasting and, and, and one of there can, there can be healing. Yes. It's hard, but there can be healing.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. And I, I think that the second scenario that you talked about, if you're a parent, I mean, parents experience a lot too when they discover this mm-hmm. . And if they go to Google and they can't find anything, if they aren't understanding, they may think, well, my, my child's the only person in the world who's harmed a sibling, or is my child gonna grow up to be a pedophile? And it's probably terrifying and probably easier to say, okay, let's just pretend status quo, and let's just, let's just go forward. Let's just shove it under the rug. That's what we're hoping to raise awareness. So if the parent, they, they got, I mean, wouldn't it be amazing if like, the Today Show covered this?

Speaker 1:
Sure. Wouldn't

Speaker 2:
It be, you know, sibling sexual abuse? Then a mom might think, oh, that's ho that's horrible. I can't believe that's happening. But then if, if she hears about it in her home or friend, she'll say, oh, but I heard this was a thing. You know, it's, it's at least in their subconscious, because if we don't get it out there, it's really hard for a parent to wrap their heads around. Of course. I mean, I can't imagine. I am a parent and I try to educate my children to the point where they run away from me. , . But, um, I, I can't, it's really hard for parents to wrap their head around. And that's, we're just trying to raise that awareness. But I hear from a lot of survivors that they're expected to just go on is normal, and, and you're asking a survivor to, to sit in the room with someone who abused them and possibly in the same home where they were abused. And that's very triggering. That's very difficult.

Speaker 1:
Yes, it is. And, and it doesn't get any easier. Another woman comes to mind who said, you know, that she sits by her brother every day or every Sunday at church, and she's always crying and people believe she's crying because she's moved by the service. And actually she's just, she's overwhelmed with feelings about the abuse that he has denied and continues to deny. So it's, it's, gosh, it's so painful. But there, there can be healing. Um, what, what did your mother, how did your mother handle it?

Speaker 2:
Well, I told her, I wanna say I was around age 24 when I was still pushing it off. It was just two kids. It just, it ha it happened. Uh, um, and I kind of said it in passing, and she cried. She said, I believe you, but where was I? Where was I? And then she started questioning. She said, but he's a good kid. He, he always knew right from wrong. There was a lot of confusion. And then I pushed it back. I put it back in its box, and we didn't talk about it for years. And then when it reared its ugly head in my current marriage mm-hmm. , um, she didn't understand. I said, I need to come forward. I need, I need to talk about this. I need to come forward. And she, she said, you need to forgive him. You need to forgive him.

Speaker 2:
And I said, I don't need to do anything. I will forgive him when I'm ready on my own terms. And she gave me the books on forgiveness, and I rolled my eyes. You can't, you can't force that. And she said, what about his family? And I screamed at her. I said, his family. Yeah, yeah. Because unfortunately, I took him, I was angry at him. I was angry at my husband. I was angry at my, my siblings wife. I was angry at my siblings children, and I pushed them all aside mm-hmm. . And they didn't understand why I was pushing them away. They didn't know mm-hmm. . So I did come to terms with it, and I did forgive my brother on my terms when I was ready. And then I reached out to my mom and I said, I forgave him. And there was relief in her voice mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:
. And then she realized, oh, now I've got my own journey of forgiveness. And she had to follow her own journey. And she was at the TEDx, she was in the audience. She didn't know what I was going to say. And, but by the time she was at the TEDx, I think she was in a good place. Um, she loves both of her children. It's, it's a very tough position to be in. And there were times when I said, I don't wanna be in the same room with him. And that was really hard for her. Mm-hmm. . So she seems to be on her own journey, and I think she's into the point where she's been able to accept it and, and sees why I'm being so public and understands why I am so public.

Speaker 1:
So what's been the changes in your life? I mentioned in the intro that you have over half a million views. What, how has your life changed since the TEDx and, and what are your plans for the future as this, as you, as you run this marathon?

Speaker 2:
Yes. It, it, I'm still running the marathon. Expect I, the finish line keeps moving. I, I actually heard from another survivor yesterday via email because it came across the TEDx. And so people are finding me through the TEDx and, and when they find me through the TEDx, I'm able to get them into Facebook support groups. I'm able to get them resources. So I know that they're in a community of people that's been, you know, I think when we can help others that help heal us mm-hmm. , um, I am, I'm still writing my memoir. It's so, so close. I have a children's book that I've, I've submitted. I'm waiting to hear back if they will publish it or not. That's what's on my radar right now. I am slowing down a little bit. I try and be supportive within the Facebook groups. I, I'm trying to, um, answer all my social media messages because I get a lot of social media messages. A lot of people on TikTok, unfortunately, a lot of my people are on TikTok. They're a younger age.

Speaker 2:
I'm slowing down a little bit. One, I'm tired. Two, I have two teenage boys who are in 10th grade, and they will be leaving me in three years. So I'm trying to be very, very present with them and enjoy them. Sure. And I just kind of show up wherever I'm needed and trying to, to support Five waves and, and keep that momentum going and, and just raising more awareness through five. Nobody's selling anything. We're not trying to, you know, obviously we're looking for donations, but, you know, we're not selling anything. We're not making any money. We're just trying to raise awareness and, and collaborate. We're having more and more people reach out wanting to volunteer with us, which is great. 'cause we're five people mm-hmm. . And yeah. I'm just looking forward to a day when there's more survivors who feel comfortable coming forward. And, and honestly, I I welcome hearing from those who caused harm too. Um, I feel we've received a couple emails. If,

Speaker 1:
If someone wanted to donate or volunteer or just, I mean, can you give the names of the Facebook groups or do they reach out to you? How, how is that, how do you want them to do that? Right.

Speaker 2: (32:14)
The 5WAVES.org website. Okay. You can email us there. You can contact us if you're, if you're, if you're a parent, if you're a survivor, if you're someone who's caused harm, you can email us there. And then also on that website, we have Facebook groups and, and we, we try and respond to every email that we can. Yeah. So that's where I'm headed right now. I kind of show up where I am needed .

Speaker 1:
And so I'm a great admirer of yours. And I, because I think you did this TEDx for a really good reason. Um, and I mean, and, and a very honorable reason. And so, uh, that I, I admire greatly.

Speaker 2:
Well, thank you. And I admire you as much. I I think that we, I I was looking forward to this interview and I told my husband this morning, I said, this'll be a great interview because she, she's informed and she knows what she's talking about. She's done the research, she's done the homework. So I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1:
Oh, well, thank you. Take very good care. Thank you.

Speaker 1:
I know you could tell from Jane's interview just how sincere and how passionate she is about getting this message out. And we at SelfWork wanted to help her do just that. The organization Jane refers to in the interview is the worldwide awareness, voice, education, and support. Better known as 5WAVES.org. And the five is not spelled out, is a numeral. So 5WAVES.org give if you can. It's a 5 0 1 3 C. So it's a nonprofit. And I wanna thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who come forward. It takes tremendous courage to do so. Thank you for being here at SelfWork today. Please take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

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Hello my friends!

This September (2023) we're giving away two(2) copies of a little book Christine Mathias and I worked on called Marriage Is Not For Chickens. A post by the same name, when it appeared in HuffPost, earned over 200,000 views and over 50,000 shares... Wow! (Of course, I didn't get a call to be on a morning talk show... lolol)

This book may take you two minutes to read because it's meant to be a gift for someone who's getting married or deciding to commit to a relationship - or maybe to someone who's having an anniversary. The photos that fit all 24 statements of "what marriage is" and "what marriage is not" were either taken by Christine or my old high school friend Deborah Strauss. The images are breath-taking, poignant, evocative, or simply "right." We're very proud of it - and hope it will give you and yours joy.

So, all you have to do is leave a written review on the SelfWork page on Apple Podcasts to be included in the drawing! But I realized, you might need to hear what it's all about. So that's what today's quick YGTG (You Get The Gist) is all about!

Listen in, smile, and I hope you enter the contest - so you can give it away, keep it, or have fun with it in some way or the other.

Vital Links:

Dr. Margaret's TEDxBocaRaton Talk (now with 155,000 views!)

You can listen to Dr. Margaret's TEDxBocaRaton Talk on perfectly hidden depression and the Immediate need for greater transparency in talking about emotional pain and suicidal feelings.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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We certainly have had – and the world has had – our fair share of reasons to grieve. Wherever you live, you felt the fear and loss of the pandemic. Add on to that, the impact of hurricanes, tornados, drought, fires, floods,  war, racism, political unrest, violence… we’ve got it all - some countries more than others. But these events are also a backdrop for whatever happens in our personal lives – people who we’ve loved dying, losing a job, having to move or even to escape from where you’ve lived, developing a severe mental or physical illness or one that’s chronically debilitating, being abused… The list goes on and on.

And we need to grieve.

Yet, one of the ironies  is that the model we’ve been taught – in a very “this is how you should be grieving” kind of way – was created to help us understand what the person dying might feel and wasn't created to describe the grief of people who are alive and grieving loss.

What’s grief really like? How do the stages that Kübler-Ross help? How do they hurt? What are the effects of your culture or faith alter your experience of grief? How is the Internet changing the way we grieve?

The listener email for today is from a woman whose sense of emotional stability has decreased after the death of her father – and she has no relationship with her mom. She uses the term, “I feel orphaned.” So as always, we’ll talk about what you can do about it.

Before we go on,  I’d like to invite you to listen and watch my TEDxBocaRaton talk.. Here’s one of the many reviews… "Dr. Rutherford, what a beautiful talk. I watched it several times. We can all learn to recognize the signs and be ready to support those who might be silently struggling. This TEDx talk is a powerful reminder to be more attentive to the people around us, listen beyond the surface, and offer support without judgment."

Click here to listen!

Advertisers Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

Heidi Bastian's article in The Atlantic

Article: It's Time To Let The Five Stages of Grief Die

Dr. Franco's article on cultural differences in grief.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript: 

Intro:

This is SelfWork and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Ruthford. I'm so glad you're here. I started this podcast almost seven years ago now to extend the walls of my practice to those of you who are already interested maybe in therapy or you were just interested in psychological stuff, to those of you who might have just been diagnosed or you're looking for some answers. And to those of you who might just be a little skeptical about the whole mental health horizon, so welcome, welcome to all of you.

We certainly have had, and the world has had their fair share of reasons to grieve recently. Wherever you live, you felt the fear and loss of the pandemic. Add onto that, the impact of hurricanes, tornadoes, drought, fires, floods, war, racism, political unrest, violence - we've got it all - some countries more than others, but these events are also a backdrop for whatever happens in our personal lives, people who we've loved dying, we lose a job, we have to move or even you, you have to escape where you've lived. You develop a severe mental or physical illness or or that's chronically debilitating or someone you love does or you're being abused.

The list goes on and on and we need to grieve.

And yet one of the ironies, and what I want to address in today's SelfWork is that the model we've had taught to us in a very "this is how you should be grieving" kind of way, was initially met or designed to describe the stages of grief for the person who is terminally ill or dying themselves. It's Elizabeth Kübler Ross's five stages of grief. It was never meant for the people who were alive in grieving a loss.

So that's what we're gonna talk about today. What's grief really like? How did the stages that Kübler Ross suggests help? How do they hurt? What are the effects of your culture or faith and how does that alter your experience of grief? How is the internet changing the way we grieve? That's an interesting kind of subject.

The listener mail for today is from a woman whose sense of emotional stability has decreased after the death of her father, and she has no relationship with her mom. She uses the term, "I feel orphaned." I've heard so many people say this, so we're gonna talk about it today on SelfWork.

Before we go on, I'd like to invite you to listen and watch my TEDxBocaRaton talk. Here's one of the many reviews, "Dr. Margaret Rutherford. What a beautiful talk. I watched it several times. We can all learn to recognize the signs and be ready to support those who might be silently struggling. This TEDx talk is a powerful reminder to be more attentive to the people around us. Listen beyond the surface and offer support without judgment. Together we can break mental health stigma and create a more compassionate and understanding society."

So I will have the link in the show notes or you can just put in Dr. Margaret Rutherford TEDx and it'll lead you right with my YouTube. And of course, if you like it, please say you do or check that off and even leave a review. I'm beginning to get asked to speak about perfectly in depression directly because of this TEDx talk. And so that's a wonderful and very helpful way you can help me spread what I believe is a very important message. Thanks, my gratitude to y'all.

Episode

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, the psychiatrist who first developed and wrote about five stages of grief, gathered her ideas from conversations with dying patients. She talked to them and she watched the grief that they go through. And yet it was snapped up by others to describe what everyone who is grieving must go through. In fact, it doesn't make a lot of sense when you think of it and it's even becomes something you should be going through, which is really ridiculous. For one thing, the stages are interactive, but somehow people have felt bad that those stages weren't part of their experience.

In an article put out by McGill entitled, it's Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die. The author state and I quote while she was a psychiatry resident in New York, Kubler Ross realized how little attention was paid by hospital staff to terminally ill patients and how little medical knowledge there was regarding the psychological aspects besetting patients facing death.

She worked extensively with terminally ill patients throughout her medical school career and continued to study and teach about such topics. She was also criticized by academic researchers for not running a real study. Instead, she used conversations with a dying as her basis for putting the stages forth and wanting medical staff to be a better attuned to what was going on with these patients.

Now, what are those stages that she was describing? You may have thought I needed to know this way before now, but here we go. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She asserted that these stages weren't rigid. You could feel or express them at any time. Denial that you were dying or that you had a serious illness might make you not seek treatment or refuse treatment. Keep how serious your illness was out of your consciousness. Anger is the second one, anger that it feels unfair that you're not ready to die, that you have more life to live.

The third one is bargaining. If I can just get better, I'll never do X, Y, or Z again, or I'll start doing X, Y, or Z. Then there's depression, sadness over past choices, sadness over not having control, sadness that you're leaving the people you love, the life you've been fulfilled by and thus acceptance, realizing there's truly no more you can do. Acceptance that you won't see your grandchild born or your kid graduating from high school. Of course, how you grieve is shaped so much by the culture you live in or in the rituals, the religion you follow or that you have faith in general. Dr. Marissa Franco, who we've had here as SelfWork as a guest, she's really cool, writes in Psychology Today that research suggests that when we're helping our loved ones cope with grief, we should consider what they find.

Most supportive people in the Asian and Asian American communities for example, may prefer spending time with close others without talking about their grief. While people in the European American community may want more explicit emotional support. So she's pointing out that we need to understand and be aware of how a certain person may be grieving, how their culture influences them, how their faith influences them, and what you may need or want to do to be respectful of that because that's what's important. Even with the best of intentions, you may make someone's experience of grief more difficult or if they really want that kind of support from you, they want to talk about their loved one who's gone. Then you hold back obvious emotional support and you don't wanna do that, or at least most of us don't. actually to know what's truly helpful. You could of course ask and not assume, how would you like for me to support you?

So what role does a belief in life after death have on grief? I looked at several different studies but was drawn to one whose results showed that people reporting no spiritual belief had not resolved their grief. By 14 months after the death, participants with strong spiritual beliefs resolved their grief progressively over the same period. And then people with low levels of belief showed little change in the first nine months but thereafter resolved their grief. So basically a spiritual belief seemed to increase the likelihood that you'll resolve your grief earlier and even a small bit of relief helped to resolve grief more quickly. That's important.

But let me quickly say that's not necessarily been what I've seen in my own clients, and I've watched many people grieve. Because so much of what matters is the timing or the way someone died. Did you have a chance to do what's called anticipatory grieving? Allowing yourself to feel what it's going to feel like to lose someone you love, whether you got to say goodbye, whether you feel to blame or partially responsible for their death or you were told that you were responsible.

Grief can often challenge your belief in some of these instances. If there's a God, then how did this happen? Now for those of you listening who say, if you believe in heaven, if you believe in life after death or if your religion is Buddhist or Hindu or whatever it is, that may of course be very comforting. I'm not saying that, but here's an example. I worked with a man years ago whose alcoholic parents had told him he was to blame for a sibling's death when he had been only a child himself. When it occurred they were inside drinking and this 10 year old boy was tasked with watching his four younger siblings and one of them got hit by a car.

So obviously when you're blamed, when you have a terrible time processing your own grief, or maybe you lose contact with others who you might be grieving with, you've got to go back to college or you've got a new job or you've quickly moved to a new home. So those that you might be grieving with are no longer there. Of course, our modern technology helps with that, but still, but there's also the possibility that you are not even allowed to speak of your mom who died because your father has remarried.

So many factors affect your grief, how you are encouraged to express it or how you're not allowed to do so again, faith, a certain structure of what happens after death. If you believe, that can certainly be helpful, but from my perspective at in my experience, that suddenly you just don't grieve. That's far too simplistic. Let's stop for a moment for a brief message and offer from BetterHelp where you just might turn in this kind of grieving situation or time.

BetterHelp Ad

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you and you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help and if you use the code or link betterhelp.com/selfwork, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did that. Link again is betterhelp.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of surfaces.

Episode Continues

Sometimes when I'm looking into a topic like I did today, I realize that someone has said something born from their their own experience and expertise that I just can't say better. So when I read this Atlantic article by a grieving mother who's also a researcher, Heidi Bastian, I knew I was having that experience again. She went looking after her 38 year old son's sudden death for help. She found everything from you'll never survive This grief to the idea that there is a time period when grief will be at its strongest but will abate. I want to share this with you because it's the wisest thing I've read on my journey to bring you this episode. So I'm going to be directly quoting from Heidi Bastian's Atlantic article, and if you want to read all of it, I will have it in the show notes.

So I quote, "For most people, after most deaths, grief starts to ease after a few weeks and continues to reduce. From there, there can still be tough times ahead, but in most circumstances, by the time you reach six months, you're unlikely to be in a constant state of severe grief. Although most people will experience grief when they lose someone close to them, they won't be overwhelmed by it. For roughly half the bereaved grief is mild or moderate and then subsides among those who experience high levels of grief at the outset, distress will usually begin to ease in a few weeks or months to, it's not a straight line where each day is better than the one before, but the overall level of suffering does go down over time"

"Some bereaved people thought about 10% according to the research will be in severe grief for six months or longer. The risk of remaining in deep grief for more than a year is higher for those under socioeconomic stress or who experience the loss of a spouse and it's even higher still after the loss of a child or a sudden death via accident, suicide or homicide."

That's kind of what I was saying before. So for example, I worked with someone last year who lost her older child in a plane wreck and her husband was also on that plane  - and he survived. So where does grief get expressed in that family? Often grieve isn't a solo event others lived through. So again, is there a right way to grieve? No, no, no.

Also, to chime in with Ms. Bastian, I have found that grief sort of comes in waves and I've talked about this on the podcast. And you'll wonder and even be afraid what's happening when you get hit by what seems like a stronger wave than ever when your grief had been subsiding. "Oh my, I'm going all the way back to where I was in the first place." That's not my experience with grief. Grief comes in waves and some are stronger than others and then all of a sudden you can get hit by a rogue wave when you get triggered in some way. That's also grief.

But let's talk about when it becomes more severe in penetrating, and I'm gonna go back to Miss Bastian's article. "Adults who face this long-running, even severe distress are experiencing what many clinicians and researchers term prolonged or complicated grief. This increases their chances of having serious mental and physical health problems, including premature death and suicidal thoughts. Even if we don't personally know someone who died within a couple of years of a major loss, we've probably all heard stories of it".

So back to just me talking , there is a new diagnosis called complicated grief and it's still very controversial 'cause it seems to be pathologizing really deep grief and they give it some sort of one year cutoff. If you're still grieving after one year, then you should be given a diagnosis of complicated grief. The Washington Post op-ed argued why set expectations on its pace or texture.

Why pathologize love? Now I'm back to Miss Bastian. Okay, so basically Adam was the name of her son, and I'm gonna go back to this part of her article. "When Adam died, I needed hope that a vibrant life was within my reach. The science showed me that it might be closer than I could even imagine. So I tried to look forward, forward as I did so I held onto a thought about my boy that helped me face a future without him."

And this is incredibly profound. So please listen closely. Ms. Baston: "He had loved me his whole life, that love is precious and it's for keeps. I will not waste it." So what she seems to be saying is she's reached a space or place in her heart and her mind where emotionally dying herself from the pain of losing her son would devalue his love for her.

I remember a woman I worked with many years ago or several years ago, lost her daughter in a tragic accident, completely shocking and a little more than a year after her death, she went to a wedding of one of her daughter's really good friends and they had a picture of her daughter there because she was supposed to have been in the wedding. And she came back into therapy and said something very similar to Ms. Bastian. She said, "I realized I was there because everyone there had loved my daughter and I loved my daughter, and I was there to honor her as hard as it was for her to go." Deciding you're not going to emotionally die along with your your son or your brother, or your mother or your friend is so important. I see this so much. It's a choice to continue living and in so doing, honoring the person who died.

I get a Christmas card every year, in fact, from a family I saw years ago, a couple who'd lost their second child days after his birth.One of them became very angry as his faith was temporarily shattered. The other focused on their living child while also grieving and they had a bit of struggle trying to understand and accept that their separate ways of grieving was okay, that neither had to give up or change their grieving pattern to appease the other.

I've seen this difference in grief often within a couple. It's not wrong, it's normal and natural in their card. I noticed immediately another child that had been born, I'm sure they still grieve the child that didn't live, but it doesn't seem to be stopping them from living and connecting to their life. Now, if you're struggling, then please do seek help. If you're stuck, you can get unstuck, but you may need someone who understands that there's no correct recipe for grief. You simply may need help through compassion and gathering hope.

Listener Email:

Here's our listener email for today. Hi, Dr. Rutherford. I listened to your podcast many times and I love it. I'm 49. I escaped my mom physically to be leaving Israel 23 years ago. I've done extensive work on myself and now I'm in the process of writing a book. Since my dad passed away three years ago also in Israel, I've been re-experiencing feeling wise, returned anxiety, depression, and I'm not as grounded and solid in my place in life. It's all subjective. I have a great family, friends and a husband, but I feel orphaned and guilty for being a bad daughter to my mom, feeling sort of lonely. I'm in California and would love to connect on better help. She didn't realize I couldn't do that. The book writing is obviously triggering, but at the same time I have to do it. I love writing.

So again, this was another message that was sent to me on my email, askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com and I  invite you to do so. But as I read this, the first analogy that came to mind as this listener was talking about how writing a book, I'm assuming about her struggles as a child in Israel is very triggering for her. Of course it is often when people tell me they don't want to journal, but I might be suggesting it. What they say is, "I don't know what it'll be like to actually see things in black and white." Or I also hear, "What if someone finds it?"

The first question I answer by saying they're absolutely correct. It's often difficult to see your feelings on paper to write down the painful experiences you had. It brings them much more to the surface. You bet it's hard. Here's the analogy I've used. So if your memories are held in a big iron soup pod on the stove and they've been simmering very, very slowly for years with the top on, so slowly they've barely even created any steam, but now you're opening the lid and you might get a huge cloud of steam that reflects those experiences and you have a sudden painful reaction, but you leave the lid off and the puddle settle down again, right?

It'll go back to a simmer. In fact, you might not be able to smell anything at all when you got a huge whiff when you first opened the pot. But what if you continue to stir the pot with every one of those stirs some of the smells of your past, the emotions and memories that belong to what happened will become stronger. Therapy's almost always about stirring the pot, talking with friends, however you communicated. However you begin to reveal yourself is stirring the pot and journaling, or certainly writing a book is also doing the same thing.

But there's one other factor. The death of her father and she doesn't describe their relationship, just says he was also in Israel. But that death may be very symbolically reminding her of the many losses she's experienced, maybe her dad's voice helped her feel that she'd done what she needed to do to protect herself from her mom. Maybe she's simply grieving that her dad is also gone. I'm not sure, but all of this sounds normal to me. Given the circumstance, estranging yourself from a parent or a sibling due to the damaging impact they had on you. When that estrangement is about self-protection, it's complicated. It can be a relief in many ways, but it's very sad as well. I hope this listener goes to better help or a local therapist to get some of the feedback that she seems to need.

Outro:

Once again, thank you for being here. I wanna remind you we're doing a little giveaway. If you'll leave a review, an actual written review on Apple Podcasts, then I'm gonna choose two of those reviewers to get a book. Marriage is Not for Chickens, and what I'm gonna do, I realize that many of you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. So in a YGTG coming up in just a couple of days, I'll actually read the book to you. It takes about maybe two and a half minutes , it's a little book meant to be a gift or a little anniversary, something special present or a getting married present. And I know we have a lot of following winter weddings coming up, or like I say, just anniversaries. It's a fun little gift. My communications manager, Christine Mathias, who's also this incredible photographer, she and I did it and she did a lot of the pictures and certainly did a lot of the framing of those.

And I had a friend from way long ago also contribute to the photography. But the post itself, actually when it was in the Huffington Post, it earned 200,000 views and 50,000 shares. And of course, I didn't get invited on Good Morning America or , any of those. I guess if you're writing about something happy, that doesn't happen, but I'm gonna give away two copies to two people who leave written reviews for the month of September. So have at it.

Let me know what you think about SelfWork, whether that's to say, oh, I wish you didn't do this so much, or you know, whatever I really need and want your feedback. Thanks so much and subscribe. Get onto my new website at drmargaretruthford.com. Look around. It's a lot of fun and if you subscribe there, then you'll get my weekly newsletter. That's it, I promise. But it has some interesting things that I'm doing or ideas I have things that you could be a part of on my Facebook page, that's facebook.com/groups/ self-work. Sometimes we get together for discussions, that kind of thing. But all in all, thank you for being here today. Please take very good care of you, of that family you love, and friends that you love, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been SelfWork.

 

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I was shocked to see this past week that I'd never done an episode on the four most well-researched communication patterns that can predict a couple will divorce or end their relationship.  And I talk about them in couples therapy all the time! These four have been written about extensively by the well-known pair of researchers John and Julie Gottman – and I think their work is right on target, given what I sadly see on a regular basis in my office. And I’ll offer the most recent ways these four distinct behaviors can appear in the modern partnership. Sadly, if you or your partner don’t see these things as problems, then that is a tremendous issue. But if you’re not aware of the danger of these, then you may not know the quicksand your relationship is in – and sinking fast.

The listener voicemail is from someone who was taught that everything in her life had to appear “perfect” – even saying that if someone comes over for dinner, there need to be five courses and the house has got to be spotless. That is truly a prison and she wants out! But… she lives in the same city as her mother – who taught her all this – and she fears moving away from those choices and what her mother’s reactions might be. I so love the questions y’all send in so keep them coming!

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We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Vital Links:

Article describing the original Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Episode Transcript

Dr. Margaret: This is SelfWork and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork’ we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm so glad you're here. I hope you've enjoyed the last few interviews. I thought especially Dr. Priyanka Wali’s interview was really fascinating, a doctor and a comedian. She also just had some wonderful thoughts  - that was last week. Hope you get a chance to listen to that if you haven't.

I was commenting on an Instagram post the other day about someone giving their partner this silent treatment, which is something we all hear about. And I was looking for podcast episodes I'd done on marriage. I thought surely there'd be a whole bunch of them. And to my shock. I found ONE  on stonewalling, but not much else. I was really looking for talking about problems in marriages that cause maybe divorce or something like that. And there are actually very well researched bad habits. There are four of them that can predict divorce.

So that's the topic for today. These four have been written about extensively by the well-known pair of researchers, John and Julie Gottman, and I think their work is right on target, given what I sadly see on a regular basis in my office. We'll focus on the Gottman's four candidates and you can see what you and your partner may be guilty of. Sadly, if you or your partner don't see these things as problems, then that itself is a tremendous issue. But if you're not aware of the danger of these habits, then you may not know the quicksand your relationship actually could be in and you could be sinking fast.

Now, I'm not a researcher, but I'll also add a few more thoughts of my own about what these look like in the modern 2023 relationships.

The listener voicemail is from someone who was taught that everything in her life had to appear perfect.

Even saying that if someone comes over for dinner, there need to be five courses and the house has got to be spotless. That's truly a prison and she wants out, but she lives in the same city as her mother who taught her all this, and she fears moving away from those choices and what her mother's reactions might be. I love these questions that y'all send in. So please send a message over SpeakPipe, which is a voicemail, and I get to listen to your inflections and your voices and I love that. And the SpeakPipe option is in your show notes, but it's also on my website, drmargaretrutherford.com. It's right at the top. Let's hear first from SelfWorknsponsor Magnesium breakthrough.

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Body of Episode:

So let's talk about ways that you can really screw up your marriage,

Dr. Margaret – Speaker 2

Marital work or couples work. Any kind of couple really is something I love to do. It's very challenging to help both people feel heard and understood - not always agreed with of course, but as long as I don't have one or both people looking at me and saying, “Please help them see how wrong they are”. , I feel pretty hopeful  - in most cases at least. But sometimes that's exactly what's on one or both people's agenda. They've come to therapy way after they should have, it's really, it's not too late, but gosh, they've come in after multiple fights and threats of divorce or “I'm taking the children”,  after affairs or betrayals of some kind have happened, be they financial or emotional or whatever.

And they sit and argue in front of me at least for a while. I allow it to go on because I want to see the pattern that is as long as it doesn't get physically or verbally assaulted.

If it does, I have to cool things down and sometimes this is what I'll do. To cool them down. I'll ask them both, “What do you think are the four greatest predictors of divorce?” Usually I get answers like fighting or your in-laws or trust kinds of answers. And that's not wrong. But the best research out there, in fact, the most rigorous that  has been done is by Julie and John Gottman and what they call the four horsemen of the apocalypse  - in this case, meaning the end of the partnership or marriage, are well-regarded as true predictors in the field of psychology. So I look at the couple and by now they have kind of settled down, because remember, they probably wouldn't be in my office if they truly wanted a divorce.

So they're open to hear, “Well, okay, what are the predictors?” And I say very slowly in order of importance.

Stonewalling is number four. That's when one or both of you goes for hours or days refusing to communicate with the other. Usually someone looks kind of sheepish at that point. They may have even told me there are times, like even days, we barely say anything to each other because it's such a relief from the fighting. Or I've seen people kind of smirk like somehow stonewalling their partner is a really cool way to gain control works every time they'll say, which I would usually answer, “Well, if it worked really well, I don't think you'd be here.”

 What's number three..Blaming. And not to be mean, but to make my point. I'll repeat a few phrases from what I've just listened to that I would call blaming. Or when you don't take your share or the responsibility for whatever problems there are, you're focused on the other one you think you're not or never to blame or you're quick to blame, you don't apologize.

You're quick to angrily yell, “Whose fault is this? Who did this? “ So, your focus is mostly on other people and what they're doing wrong and not taking responsibility for yourself.

Number two, let me let you think, if you can guess for a second, what could be number two, it's close to blaming…criticism - and now the room is getting even more quiet. What's the difference between blaming and criticizing? They usually are wrapped up together, but you can have one or the other that predominates like blaming is this is your fault. “This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't X, Y, or Z.” Where criticism isn't as much about fault, but about correcting them saying they're wrong. And you're right, you can hear shades of gaslighting here. “Why didn't you pay that bill?” Or, “ Why do you change the baby's diaper that way?” Lots of why questions, which puts everybody on the defense by the way, and why questions that infer criticism or there's downright criticism – “ The way you did that was just dumb” or labeling your partner, “You're so lazy “or bringing in the kids, “The children are on my side” here, or “All our friends agree with me.”

Making sure you establish yourself as more right than your partner. More put together. You're like a healthier, more likable human being. So that gives you the right to criticize your partner.

I think the worst thing, no, not the worst, maybe the funniest in many ways was one couple came in and they have one of those strings that come down in their garage so when they pull in, they know when to stop, you know, it kind of hits their windshield. And she was saying that thing would hit the windshield. He had a certain timing that if she didn't turn off the car like two seconds after that or a second after that, he told her, “You just don't know how to park.” It was really a little trivial . She wasn't running into the wall. So what do you think the last one is? Guesses.

The last one is contempt. Now what does contempt sound like? And I either pull from what they've already said or I make up my own examples. Like , “I can't believe I married someone like you. No one would ever guess just how disgusting you can be.” “How could you be so stupid?” Or it can be nonverbal stuff l- ike eye-rolling. But it's you have a disdain, a contempt, a huge disrespect for the other person.

So this couple is sitting in front of me now looking maybe a little ashamed, maybe a little surprised, maybe a little shocked. And a few seconds later, one of them might say to me, “We do all of those.” And I say, “So we've got our work cut out for us, right?”

 But guess what? Sometimes one of them will say, “Well, I never do any of those things”, or I” wouldn't do it if she didn't do it or he didn't do it or they didn't do it

Well guess what? That's blaming, right? or even contempt. And I point that out. Oh, so you just blamed her for all the problems or him.

Now before I go on, let me say that we probably all make these errors. We all have bad days. We say mean things. We may even know what criticisms to use that will really get our partner something like, you know, you're sounding just like your mother. Oh, I thought you told me you were gonna try to change that in Margaret's office. I don't really see it. That's contempt and we use it on purpose. But if a couple doesn't see these four things as problems or one of them doesn't or refuses to, that may likely reflect that there's true emotional abuse going on, which of course reflects another level of problem. It's not a bad habit that they've gotten into that's gotten out of hand.

It could be a choice to be in control and sabotage the worth and emotional stability of your partner and the absolute denial of blame or responsibility for any problem can be a destructive character trait that may not respond to therapeutic suggestion at all. Like in some of the personality disorders, borderline histrionic, narcissistic sociopathic, some of those problems if you are married to someone like that or partnered with them, it can take them some time to understand the impact they have on others if they can at all. But that's not the topic for today. We're talking about two pretty normal folks who've just gotten into some bad habits and may not recognize the horrible impact they can have.

One couple comes to mind immediately, but before I talk about them, let’s hear from AG1. Your support of these products helps us make and produce SelfWork. So remember that as you listen and if you think it might benefit you, then please go for it.

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Speaker 2:

Okay, so back to this couple. They came in only a few times together. She'd come to therapy to talk about feeling blamed for her husband's affairs that he'd had for years. “But he doesn't call them affairs,” she said,  “They're all prostitutes. He says he only goes once a month. Sometimes they have sex, but most of the time he simply wants to be held. But he says it's my fault because I don't make love with him the right way, but I do love him and I'm willing to try.”

I'd asked her if he'd come in with her and much to my surprise, he said yes he would. When he came in, he looked and sounded extremely depressed and sure enough he'd had treatment after treatment for depression. He tried all kinds of medicines. He'd even tried E C T, which is electroconvulsive therapy, and he was still suicidal.

Frequently. I won't go into all of his story, but there was definite emotional abuse in his childhood by his mother and in therapy he stated that he hated himself for going to these prostitutes, hated his inability to stop, hated himself so much that that's what was behind the suicidality. This is an interesting fact. He'd never told any of the other treating doctors about this self-loathing or this behavior around going to prostitutes and how it was likely tied to continued suicidal thinking. Instead, he opted to keep going and keep hating himself and blaming his wife who he said he loved. He was so sad to hear and watch these two people in these patterns. I tried to give them both as much understanding and support as I could while also not justifying the hurt he was causing. What he couldn't see was how his present, very painful behavior was strongly linked or at least could be strongly linked to his anger, never expressed against his own mother.

Just look at it. He could express disdain and contempt for a woman, his wife, while still receiving comfort from both her and the prostitutes. He hinted that there were other painful secrets he was keeping. He could almost see it. I could see it in his eyes, but then he looked at me when I suggested treatment like I was out of my mind. I even found a one week intensive program that served professionals like him. No one would have to know or suspect anything, but he was on a vacation. His wife looked hopeful. He never came back. His wife came in one more time. She said, “This is my last session. I think coming to you was the worst thing I could have done. All you talked about were the painful things in our marriage and we have a really great marriage.” I listened and told her I understood that I regretted if she felt that it only focused on their pain and she left.

Speaker 2:

You could hear the problems, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They would go a long time without talking to one another. He blamed her for a lot of his behavior, but he also hated himself. He was very critical of her. And of course there was some contempt as well as he didn't understand why she just couldn't accept his behavior. And I do remember looking at her and saying, that is an option for you to just accept that this is what is going on. And she said, I'll try, but I don't know. But obviously when she came in and was angry with me or that's where she focused, her anger was on me, which is okay, you know, that happens. She needed to feel like they had a really great marriage and you know, they're probably still married to one another now in the community. This couple is considered a great couple, but neither of them were at a place where they could see or chose to look for what was underneath their very painful patterns with each other.

I said earlier that I was gonna talk about some other more modern versions of these problems, so I'll do that now. Stonewalling, for example, it's basic withdrawal in order to feel in control. Non-communication. I think this can take the form interestingly enough of an intense focus on children where your child's life takes up so much of your time, you quote unquote, barely have any energy for your partner. Or it could be about work - you stonewall through work. Your attention to work could be so dominant in the relationship and you can justify it, right? Somebody's gotta make a living around here. But you can see perhaps that both could be related to stonewalling or they have a similar effect. You are not available for your partner, which you justify by saying that the children or your work or your major responsibility, but all the conflict you might have arguing, the criticism, the blaming, none of that ever gets worked out.

You don't sit down and have a talk with one another about what's going on between the two of you. Now, it could also be in the form of absorption and video games or Instagram or TikTok. These can also draw you completely away from the relationship as you spend hours isolating from your partner and attaching instead to this virtual reality, which can seem so much more interesting than what's happening or not happening at home. T

he other three, blaming, criticism and contempt are basic bad attitudes or habits that I imagine have been part of every generation and every era. Sadly, they have also been culturally acceptable historically, especially men treating women that way in relationships. And I'm sure there are examples of women treating men that way. In fact, I know that in certain families that consider the woman more powerful, that it is culturally acceptable for her to treat him badly.

And then of course you can look for support for these behaviors, the blaming, criticism and contempt by socializing with other people who blame and criticize and show immense contempt for reasons they justify. This sort of blaming and criticism and contempt is destructive in a culture and it's certainly destructive in a partnership. The four horsemen of the apocalypse, stonewalling, blaming, criticism and contempt, they herald or predict the end of what was once treasured. Please think about them in your own life, in your beliefs and in your relationships.

Voicemail announcement

Speak pipe message from drmargaretrutherford.com.

Dr. Margaret

Let's hear from a listener from Canada.

Voicemail from listener:

Hi Dr. Margaret. So I am 37 and a mother of three kids and my question to you is, I was told by a therapist a couple years ago that I am a perfectionist and that's why it's stopping me from applying from jobs, which I always think I'll never be good enough for. I rarely invite people over because I feel like the house should be super clean and it there should be a five course meal. This was something I've learned from my mother. She's very focused on how our family appears to the exterior, to other people. I've been trying to rewire myself, so I don't feel that. But however, inside I don't feel good doing those things. I feel it's like the people pleasing part. I feel that I will be judged if I don't make everything appear great. It's hard for me because my mother is still like that. And when I visit her, we live in the same city. I feel an internal conflict and it, it's anxiety provoking for me. How do I deal with that of being myself and kind of not doing

Dr. Margaret

This voicemail made me feel a very poignant sorrow for this mother of three who is struggling to get out of her fears about not seeming or being good enough. It's interesting that she can see what the problem is. Her therapist called it perfectionism. I'd clear that up and call it a kind of destructive perfectionism because again, it's based on fear of being found out that she's human after all. Maybe there's a closet in her home that's messy or a glass that's smudged or that in her thinking about getting a job that she won't live up to expectations and it doesn't sound as if she's even risking finding out what those expectations might be. She knows she learned this fear from her mom who sounds as if she taught it or demonstrated herself maybe unintentionally or maybe very intentionally. Certainly when I grew up, my mother had the table set for a party at least a week in advance.

She checked and rechecked. She had what she was going to wear all laid out way before the party. I saw that and much like this listener believed that I needed to do the same. In fact, I became anorexic because thinness was another one of those expectations. Luckily for me, or I say luckily, I moved away from home and saw life differently. I met women whose lives seemed very different, whose goals and directions were far from rigid and perfectionistic. I attended a very liberal college and feminism was being born, and I saw a way out even though at the time I didn't realize what I was doing, but this kind of perfectionism is still very, very prevalent in our culture. But I know very personally this inner struggle that this listener is talking about. In fact, for all my rebellion, when I'd go home, I'd still try to seem perfect, even when my real life was in tatters, the strain of that led to panic disorder.

So I certainly hope this listener isn't experiencing those.

So what can she do? I hope she's listening because I'd love to send her a copy of my book. Perfectly Hidden Depression. So listener, if you are listening, you can email me at askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com and I'll send you a signed copy because it sounds as if you'd find yourself there.

Okay, let's talk about what you could do first. Your mother seems to be highly unlikely to support you changing the message cut off before I could hear what exactly the rest of your struggle was when you visited your mom, but I guess is that you still get messages from her about things you should be doing or being that be done better, and those messages hold power. So two things need to happen simultaneously. Less contact with your mom for a while at least, and then beginning to take very small risks to tolerate and cope with your fears of being judged by others negatively.

I realize that's a lot to do all at once. So start slowly. Start with one friend, have her over and purposefully serve something not perfect like crackers and cheese instead of homemade something. In fact, I have my perfection seeking clients purposefully do something in a mediocre fashion, , or what they would consider mediocre. Not an important thing, but something that they're making important and truly isn't that they kind of laugh about and go, I know nobody really caress. If I've vacuumed the sofa , that's what I do. So I promise you most people are thinking about themselves. They are not thinking about you. We're all very self-conscious. Look for the small thing that you could try and you could risk. That would be not up to your expectations, but really just fine. Slowly look around your life and do something that you feared in the past doing.

But start with the easiest thing, not the hardest. Remember, there are no small changes. Every change, every risk, no matter how small or seemingly small is important. Now let's get back to mom. This listener's mom may wonder or question why those visits aren't occurring as often. Since this listener's been in therapy, I'd suggest working either with a great friend who knows about her struggle and is emotionally savvy or with that therapist or both, and write down and practice what you're going to say to your mom, what you're going to choose to reveal. You could try something like, “Mom, I'm trying to not be so afraid of what others think of me. It's really making me unhappy, but I'm not sure where you stand on this as so much of what you do seems perfect.” Something like that. Maybe even that's too revealing. You could decide what's right for you.

You can write it down and send it to her. You can email it, you can text it, you can say it to her face, but maybe you need to sort of help her see that, that you need to be around her less. But I also think that it is, that's a hard conversation to have and your mother may or may not be capable of actually having it in a fair way, in a healthy way. So that part of it is something you and your therapist are gonna have to talk about. There's so much life ahead of you and there's so much freedom in being able to decide whether or not you're going to strive for perfect or near perfect. And that's fine. And if you do enjoy that process or whether this time you're going to do what's more normal and easy and enjoy that as well, it's more freeing because it's a choice and you're no longer wrecked by fear and shame. That is what my book is all about. So I hope you'll email me and you can follow and do, it's over 60 exercises of reflections and read other stories to realize you're so far from being alone.

Outro;

So we're gonna do something fun in September. I'm gonna give away two books. Now, not perfectly Hidden Depression, I'm actually gonna give away a little book that Christine Mathias and I put together called Marriage Is Not for Chickens. It's a great little book to give somebody for an anniversary or they're getting married and I'm sure in the fall we're going to have some fall weddings and some holiday weddings. So I'm going to pick two reviewers who review on Apple Podcast in September who review self-work. And then I'll pick two, not the first two, not the last two. I'll choose them randomly and thank you. I hope you have fun with this. And of course, I hope you love self-work as well. Also, I have a really, I'm so proud of our new website. It's really beautiful. It's drmargaretrutherford.com and you can subscribe there.

You'll get my weekly newsletter, which actually gives you a rundown of everything I do. For example, my blog post this week was on Fobbing. Do you know what Fobbing is? ? Well, it's the newest way to really alienate someone that you may or may not be interested in, and it has to do with cell phone use or looking at your screen, et cetera. So you could go over to Dr. Margaret brother for.com and subscribe, and you'd be able to get that link to that Fobbing article. I write about all kinds of things that are either near and dear to me or something that I'm very interested in learning more about myself. You can also, in fact, recently, a whole bunch of people have joined the Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/ self-work. Thank you so much for being here. Tell your friends, we'd love to have more of you. Take very good care of yourself, your loved ones in your community. I'm, and this has been.

 

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I’ve long been one to say to someone who’s paralyzed about the direction they see their lives going in or goals they want to achieve – experiences they want to have – to say, “Why not “and?”

After they look at me kinda funny, I’ll explain. “Why can’t you be a plumber and a painter? A mother and an ad exec?

That’s what this week's SelfWork guest has accomplished. She’s an internal medicine doctor and she’s a comic. A stand-up comic at that. Named by Refinery29 as one of the 50 Female Stand-Up Comedians You Need To Know", Priyanka Wali is a stand-up comic who also believes strongly in mind/body connection and the importance of fear in true transformation. I think you'll love this conversation!

She's also the co-host of HypochondriActor with Sean Hayes (yes the guy from Will and Grace…). I know you'll enjoy talking about her story and how you might use it as motivation for your own!

After all, why can’t life be an “and?”

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Episode Transcript:

 

Speaker 2: Dr. Margaret

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm a clinical psychologist, and I started this podcast just about seven years ago to extend the walls of my practice to many of you, some of you very interested in therapy or psychological issues, but also perhaps those of you who are a bit skeptical about the whole thing.

So, I have a great interview for today and before beginning, here's a message and an offer from AG1, the Greens mix I take every morning to get my day started on the right track. Okay... Occasionally I miss a day, gotta say that, but I try to remember every day 'cause it makes a difference.

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And here's a fact. Since 2010, they've improved their formula 52 times in the pursuit of making this nutrition supplement possible and the best it can be. So if you wanna take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of Vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase. Go to drinkAG1.com/selfwork, and that's a new link. DrinkAG1.com/selfwork. Check it out.

Dr. Margaret

I've long been one to say to someone who's paralyzed about the direction they see their lives going in or goals they wanna achieve, experiences they wanna have... They always say, "Well, I've gotta have this or this, but I've gotta make the perfect choice. I've gotta try this or this." And my question to them is, "Why isn't it an "and"? And after they look at me, kind of funny, I'll explain, "wWhy can't you be a plumber AND a painter, a mother AND an ad exec?

We don't have to limit ourselves. We can be "AND",  not this or this. And that's what our guest has accomplished. She's an internal medicine doctor and she's a comic, a standup comic, by the way, who was named by Refinery 29 as one of the top female standup comedians that you need to know. Her name is Priyanka Wali. And she's the co-host of HypochondriActor with Sean Hayes, the guy from Will and Grace that probably a lot of you know, It's a great, great podcast and I'm delighted to have her on SelfWork as a true "And" - er .

Here's one more sponsor message. This one from BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough. I use it every night just like I use AG1e in the morning. And that's my own AND,  I guess,

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Episode 356 with Priyanka Wali. 

Realize you can support self-work by supporting our sponsors. And now, Priyanka Wally,

Speaker 2: Dr. Margaret

I started off my morning by listening to your comedy routine .

Speaker 3: Dr. Priyanka Wali

Oh, which one? Which bit did you check out?

Speaker 2:  the one on your Website?

Speaker 3: The one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: And I laughed. I just thought, I've known some in and out guys.

Speaker 3: . Oh man. Yeah, that takes me back. You know, I haven't, I haven't, you know, after the pandemic hit, you know, obviously comedy changed and performing in person totally changed. And I remember going back on stage in 2021, so, you know, we were kind of used to reentry, we were opening up a little bit, and the vibe was just really different. And so I've, I've slowly been getting my feet

Speaker 2: Thought about that. How was it different, Priyanka?

Speaker 3: Well, first of all, you know, having, it was an outdoor show and most people were wearing masks. But even if you're doing an indoor show, you, it's hard to see people's facial expressions if they're masked. Right? So that, you know, to me, standup has always been a relationship between the, the performer and the audience. It's a connection. And when you, you know, cover the face for obvious important reasons, safety reasons it, it sort of breaks that connection. And so what I found was that I enjoyed comedy, less enjoyed performing less after the pandemic.

And I actually took a break from comedy and I sort of went back to like, "Okay, what does bring me joy? Like, what is this really about?" And I went to France and I actually studied clowning with Philippe Goer, who's a world renowned clowning expert. And I went back to the basics of like, okay, physical comedy, like comedy with your body and not just your neck up mind voice.

And then I sort of came into singing parody songs. And that's kind of the new stuff that I'm working on now. Really? Yeah. So I'm taking my comedy and I'm turning it into more parody songs, and I've released a few small clips on Instagram. But I'm planning on releasing a longer video at some point. So that's kind of what I'm working on. And that's like part of the transformation as an artist, which is, it's an incredible journey.

Speaker 2: Well, you know and I wanna, I wanna back up and we, we kinda started in the middle, didn't we? Or I did. Yeah. Yeah. And so I wanna back up and, and talk about how you got to be, but you know, I'm a huge advocate of, of, AND kind of lives. I am this AND I'm that, and I'm something else. Mm-Hmm. . So I love that you're living your life that way. Oh, thank you. I also listened to the last podcast that you and Sean did. Mm-Hmm. . And I thought the story about your either great-grandfather or your grandfather was so touching that Wali is actually the Arabic name. Mm-Hmm. healer or helper.

Speaker 3: Yeah. Helper. Helper. Or like friend, friend of man, helper of man. Yeah. Yeah. It was a name bestowed upon us. Yeah.

Speaker 2: Incredible.

Speaker 3: . Yeah. Yeah. When I, when I learned that for the first time, and it sort of changed my relationship with my own name, you know, I always thought I didn't really have a relationship, but then once I realized it was sort of like, gifted, I was like, Wow, that's, that's, there was an identity shift and you know, there's a sense of humility and gratitude as well.

Speaker 2: You know, when you hear stories like that. My grandmother was named Emma Clayton Robinson, and I remember asking one time why was, why was her middle name Clayton? And the story was that I'm from the south, I'm from Arkansas, and her mother and father's home was taken over by the Yankees during the Civil War by a General Clayton.

Speaker 3: Okay.

Speaker 2: He was so kind to them that they, when my grandmother was born, she was named Emma Clayton Robinson.

Speaker 3: Wow.

Speaker 2: And Clayton has become one of our family names, which is just so, I don't know, it adds something to your understanding of your family and what has happened, and of course,

Speaker 3: Right.

Speaker 2: It's just, I don't know, there's something about that kind of tradition or g legacy that's just fascinating to me.

Speaker 3: Yeah. And I'm curious, do you know what, what was the name prior to Clayton before that?

Speaker 2: Well, no, she had not been. She was born and then, and then they named her Emma Clayton Robinson.

Speaker 3: Wow. Wow. Yeah. There's so many complexities to that story, because on one hand, this, this person was the oppressor. They came in and they took, you know, your family home and your land. Right. And yet they were a kind, oppressor, kind enough for us to name them after them. It's like, there's so many nuances to that, that story. It's, it's very complex. It certainly could, would be totally justifiable to bring up a lot of different set of feelings around that.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. So I wanna find out about your journey. You are a physician. Mm-Hmm. , you're an internal medicine physician. Mm-Hmm. . And I think you also have training in OB obesity, is that right?

Speaker 3: Correct. Yeah. Double board certified. Mm-Hmm. double board certified.

Speaker 2:  And so, and, and then, and you know, you, you've laughed with your co-host Sean, about I really wanna be just a doctor on tv and Yeah.

Speaker 3: , I just want a small rule on Grey's Anatomy. Is that too much to ask? I mean, come on.

Speaker 2: So I would love to hear you know, there's a lot of doctors in your family and you told that story, but Yeah. How, how did you decide to become a physician? And are you, are, are you American born? Are you, were you born in India or were you born in America?

Speaker 3: Yeah, great question. So I was born in the United States, so I'm Kary Pundit. So my family originates from Northern Kashmir, and that region was actually affected by genocide as recent as 1991. And so that led to a diaspora and immigration all over the world. And my family chose the United States.

And so I was born in Los Angeles, but I actually spent some early formative years going back and forth between India and the United States up until I was age three. And so, you know, my childhood upbringing you know, my parents were doctors, their siblings are doctors. Their kids are doctors. I mean, and, and the lineage goes further up the chain. So healing was really, we would not have normal dinner discussions. You know, like the, the dinner table discussions were about, like, the cases my dad had and like, you know, all this sort of preventive medicine stuff.

And so I joke, you know, like I sort of came out of the womb holding a stethoscope. It was something that I lived, breathed. It wasn't until I went to college that I was like, oh, people can do other things. You know what I mean? And I always had an artistic side to me. And so I always loved performing arts and creative writing, and that's always been a, a very big part of my sort of soul's energy.

And at the same time, the science had also would come to me quite easily. And so I found myself you know, going through the pre-med classes and I actually was accepted into a program coming out of high school called a Baccalaureate MD program. It no longer exists, but it was a program where you basically got accepted into medical school coming out of high school.

Really? It was a, yeah, it was a very competitive program. They only took, I think like 12 or 15 people all across the United States. And so I knew, I knew out of high school that I was gonna go to med school. Yeah. And I can't say honestly though, that that was what I wanted.

I think there was a part of me that really was you know, I loved creative arts. I loved performing. And I couldn't see a path if I were to pursue medicine. But I, I grew up in a very traditional Indian family. Like, I had a tremendous amount of pressure from my parents. Like, no, you have to go to med school. Like, that's gonna happen. Yeah. And so, you know, again, because the science would come to me easily, I decided to, to sort of give it a go and give it a chance.

You know, in hindsight I wish I had taken some time off in between undergrad and med school. 'cause I went straight through. And I, I don't necessarily recommend that. I think if I had had more time to sort of develop and simmer as a human being you know, I, I wasn't really a human being by the time I went to HU Med School. I was just this concept, you know, I was so undeveloped as a person.

Speaker 2: So you followed the structure that your parents wanted you to follow, and really hadn't had a whole lot of autonomy about

Speaker 3:

That. Totally. Yeah. And, you know, it would come out in these different ways. Like I, you know, when I was a med student, I joined this local improv troupe in East Los Angeles, you know, and I would have these little pockets of things that I would do to create balance. Sure. And it's funny now because the work that I do as a, as a physician, I, I am very passionate about it now, but I think it's because I've taken much more of a an an identity that this is part of social justice activism in terms of like, what is going on right now with the current medical paradigm and you, what needs to change. I feel like very compelled now to be involved with this and to be a part of this. Because at the end of the day, we're all connected.

And I feel like I was given a set of privileges by being born into a family that, you know, was all healthcare providers on some aspect. And I feel like it would really be a, a waste to, to squander those gifts essentially. Mm-Hmm. . And so it's funny 'cause now I, I really love what I do and the way I've sort of built my life. I mean, I'm definitely not working like a traditional medical doctor at like, you know, a major hospital or anything like that. I mean, I have my own private practice and I, the way I think about healing, I would say it's, it's more consistent with like a new paradigm as opposed to the older paradigm. You know, in terms of integrated,

Speaker 2: More holistic,

Speaker 3: More holistic integrative, you know, thinking about issues from a mind body perspective as opposed to the current, you know, the current paradigm is like, you have a heart problem, you go to a heart doctor, you have a kidney problem, you go to a kidney doctor, you have a mind problem, you go to the mind doctor. It's like that. It's very disconnected and, you know, there's no more like general doctors anymore. I mean, it's like, it's a rare dying breed. And so I am really trying to bring a callback to, Hey, let's look at the whole person. Let's treat the whole person. This is not just a mind issue or a body issue. This is a mind body issue. And essentially we are all mind body spirits. Yeah.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Couldn't agree more. So I was always interested, and I remember asking my sort of, she's my manager you know, why does Priyanka wanna come on SelfWork? I mean, why does she wanna come on a mental health podcast? And I, I wanna ask you that question. I was so intrigued that, you know, and it sounds like it's very may maybe tied into this, well, one, of course, you're an example of someone who is saying, don't be, don't be governed by, you know, what other people expect of you. But make sure that you're, you're zoning in and really expressing the parts of yourself that bring you joy and, and that kind of thing. Which I think is wonderful. I didn't know if you had any history with depression or anxiety or anything like that, but it also sounds like maybe it's tied in with more of this holistic view of things.

Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, I think you're hitting the nail on the head. So, so yeah. I, I actually, I've talked about this publicly. I think there was an article in Women's Health Magazine where I actually was very depressed in medical school. In fact, I didn't realize that I had the signs and symptoms of clinical depression until my psychiatry rotation in medical training Oh. . Where I was interviewing people. Yeah. I was interviewing people who were severely clinically depressed. And I was walking away from these interviews with individuals and I was like, there's really no difference between me and this person that like, probably needs to be hospitalized. And you know, I, it was then that I, yeah. So it was then that I realized that, you know, I had severe clinical depression and I needed to be on antidepressants for a period of time in medical training.

And what, what in hindsight coming out of that, what really was going on is that I was in a very difficult situation. The medical system, the medical training system, it's actually a very oppressive system. And I didn't have the best coping skills. I didn't even know what therapy was at the time. And fortunately that's when I learned about treatments, like cognitive behavioral therapy. And I started therapy. I saw a psychiatrist and was able to get the help that I needed. And then when I graduated medical school, my depression symptoms went away and I was able to get off the meds. And I haven't had a relapse of depression to that severity since then.

Speaker 2: So it was probably very situational and that kind of thing. It was

Speaker 3: Absolutely situational. Yeah.

Speaker 2: I have the fancy title of adjunct professor at University of Arkansas Medical School. Mm-Hmm. Medical School of Medical Sciences, I think it's called mm-hmm. . And I laughed and said, I don't even get a parking place with that. So

Speaker 3: . Yeah. Yeah. And

Speaker 2: I, I teach a course that's, you know, an hour and a half in one semester or so, it's very little about psychotherapy to medical students. Mm-Hmm. who are psych psychiatry rotation. And one of my major questions is, what do y'all think therapy is? And they just kind of stare at me. Oh, yeah. Like, what are you talking about? You know, and Oh yeah, well now we've learned that this is what you do with this person and this is, and I said, you know what? You gotta throw all that out. 'cause That's not really true. Mm-Hmm. mm-hmm. . But it, it's fascinating how that the, unfortunately the medical school schools still don't really incorporate a whole lot of mental health knowledge and understanding to physicians.

Speaker 3: You know, I really appreciate you naming this because it's something I talked about. I think on one of the podcast episodes, you know, in medicine we are sort of taught that if you can't objectively identify the cause of someone's issues, like for example, if you can't get lab work Right. That can corroborate or a CAT scan or something like that, you we're, we're literally taught, or at least back when I was in med school, I was taught that you need to conclude that this is a psychosomatic issue. And once you label someone as having a psychosomatic issue, you kind of wash your hands of it and move on. What the deficit in education right now that's happening in the system, I think physicians especially need to be taught the next step. Right. If you're gonna label someone as having a psychosomatic issue, the next training is understanding, okay, well what is the emotion that's linking to that physical symptom?

Speaker 2: Well, the trauma or the Yeah, exactly. The, what's going on? Name what's going on with the patient. I, I love it. I did my dissertation yeah, my dissertation on conversion disorders,

Speaker 3: So, okay. Sure.

Speaker 2: I was, you know, bridging the gap between, for those listeners who don't know what conversion disorders are, they are disorders that are, that are psychologically based, but can can mimic mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

Speaker 2: Make true medical problems. And I did mine on Pseudoseizures mm-hmm. , which was someone looks like they're having a seizure, but there's no actual abnormal EEG activity, so, right. Although they can be mixed anyway, enough about that. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.

I'm always I'm so glad that more, at least there's a movement toward physicians moving there's a movement toward moving ,

Speaker 3:, a lot of movement, a lot

Speaker 2: Of movement, lot of movement toward integrative, or that's kind of this kind of medicine. 'cause I just think it's vital.

Speaker 3: Oh, not only is it vital, Margaret, I I actually am at the point in my career where I am sort of, if anyone's gonna call themselves a physician or even a healer for that matter. Yeah. and they don't have a basic understanding of this type of education. They actually have an incomplete education of how healing actually works in human beings. And so what I would love to see more of is more education for medical students, especially helping them understand how to name emotions and the effects that that has on the human body.

Speaker 2: Sure. Sure. Because isn't there research, in fact, I've read some research that says the brain actually doesn't, can't tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain.

Speaker 3: That's correct. Actually, yes. When we experience emotional pain, it activates the same receptors of the brain. This is through functional MRI studies, it activates the same receptors of the brain as if we were to experience physical pain. Fascinating. Fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, all we're naming here again, is this is more and more evidence of how we need to move towards a mind body model, a model in medicine. And I do believe this will be the next paradigm where we start to look at human beings as mind bodies and not just bodies with minds.

Speaker 2: Right, right. Bio psychosocial,

Speaker 3: Spiritual. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 2: Okay, so let's switch gears. Okay.

 Talk about the clown part of you, or the funny part of you, the comedic part of you. You have a wonderful podcast yourself that's very, very popular. It's called, let me see if I can not This Hypo Dry actor Hypo

Speaker 3:

Hypochondriac. hypochondria. I'm so

Speaker 2:

Used to saying the word hypori, called it .

Speaker 3: Yeah, totally. We just call it hypo for sure.

Speaker 2: And your partner is, your partner in crime,

Speaker 3:

Is the lovely Sean Hayes, who you may know from a small show called Will and Grace tiny little show. Yeah.

Speaker 2: In fact, my trainer, I was working out this morning and I was told him who I was, who I was interviewing. He goes it did you say that her co her cohort, you know, her partner is, is Sean Hayes. And I said, yeah. Oh, I can't wait to tell my girlfriend that you're interviewing someone .

Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, Sean's darling. I love working with him. It's, it's been a pleasure. And I don't know when this episode's getting released, but he's currently on Broadway at the moment. So I do, I do miss him because he is, he's very, very busy on Broadway. But it has been just an absolute joy working alongside with him. Oh, great. He brings, you're, oh, thank you. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.

It's, it's so easy to work with someone who's so lighthearted as Sean, and he brings just a lot of joy and humor and, you know, in on the podcast we're talking about, we can talk about some pretty serious things, pretty heavy things. And, you know, that that lightness that he brings, it allows us to kind of go to places where maybe we wouldn't necessarily be able to go if this was a more serious kind of heavy podcast. Mm-Hmm. , you know, it's so important when you're interviewing celebrities or anyone who's willing to share something vulnerable about creating a safe space so that people feel like they can share. And so I feel really grateful to be working alongside him.

Speaker 2: And you answer questions from listeners about, is it only medical issues that they call in about? Or is it Yes.

Speaker 3: Yeah. So people like to call in and share their medical stories. And it's been also, that has been a very, very humbling experience. You know, the, the callers that call in and the, the depths of their shares, you know, as the show has progressed, the shares have been more and more vulnerable, which we so appreciate. And what I love about the shares is that people will many times call in and say, you know, I thought I was the only person that had blah, blah, blah, but after listening to this episode, I realize I'm not, and I have it too. And this is my experience. And that's, to me is what this is really about. You know, connecting us, reminding us that we're all one people. We're one species. We're human beings, and we, we feel the same things and emotions do connect us. And I think that's so important to remember in this time of such divisiveness

Speaker 2: On SelfWork. I also love to, to answer questions from listeners. It's one of my most favorite things to do. And so it's your right. I just feel like there's so many, you know, there's this, again, research will say that there's this explosion of loneliness, and it's true and right. Staring at our screens instead of talking right to another. And so there's this sense of, I must be the only one feeling this. So, so since, since the pandemic happened, what are you doing with you? You said you went to France and you, you're doing this clowning and that kind of thing. Tell us about that part of you.

Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I think in order for me to stay balanced, it is very important that I engage in some kind of play. Yeah. And it can be formal play, like going to study clowning with a renowned clowning expert. But on a day-to-day, like every day, you know, I can't fly to France to study clowning . I do spend a, a significant part of my day. Like, I dance every day. I try and do some kind of movement, you know, especially before I start to see individuals in my private practice. You know, I may put on a song and just move my body and I get really funky and really weird, and I'll growl. I love growling and I love putting my yoga mat out and just like rolling on the floor and just like, moving and arching my back and acting like a total fool.

I mean, just like completely just like the, just an animal. But to me, I, it, it's important for me to do that every day. You know, I think we forget that we, human beings, we're animals and we're, we're, so we have to engage in somatic practices, otherwise we'll be very disconnected from our bodies. And in my own healing journey, I've noticed that the more I'm in my body, the more present I am, and the more I can give, the more I can share sort of the gifts that I have. And we all have gifts to share. And I've just noticed that the more I engage in somatic practices, it's easier for me to tap into that and play. I also consider rest to be a really important facet. I mean resting, going slow, taking naps, anything that just, again, keeps the body in flow. Mm-Hmm. . And so yeah, I'm, I'm generally a very silly person. and .

Speaker 2: You know, people always ask me, well, how do you do something so serious all day long? And I think I laugh all the time with people, right?

Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2: There's a lot to not, we're not laughing. I'm not laughing at people. I'm laughing with people that I see. We find things too, to laugh about because it's so important for them to laugh. And it's important for me to laugh.

Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. Yeah. And laughing is so, you know, there's studies to show that laughter literally will lower cortisol levels in the blood. It'll lower inflammatory markers. I mean, it's, and it's, it's just a, a really great feeling. And I think that's why while I was a resident working 80 hours a week, sure. I gravitated towards standup comedy and performing comedy. 'cause It was this one thing that I could do solo on my own terms. And it, there's an immediate feedback. You make the audience laugh like you've done it. That's the feedback. And it's spontaneous. You can't fake it. Well, maybe you can fake it, but like a real belly laugh. Mm-Hmm. really hard to fake, you know, that big old belly laugh. For those

Speaker 2: Listeners who are out there going, how do you, how do you get the courage to stand up there for five or eight minutes and try out these jokes? Because I know from, I've heard enough conversations with, with standup comedians that they, they go to hundreds of these clubs and try material and try out material, and sometimes it dies. I was lucky enough to hear Ellen DeGeneres when she was young.

Speaker 3: Oh, nice. Wow.

Speaker 2: And, and I can remember thinking, this lady's going somewhere. You know, I was

Speaker 3: In . Oh, wow.

Speaker 2: And but I know it just must be grueling. And, and I don't know, how did, how did you, how did you rake up or whatever We would say the courage to do it?

Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I was a resident and I had just broken up with a long-term relationship. So I was really going through a process where I was really just re trying to figure out who am I at the coming out of this very long relationship. And I, I sort of took some time and I was like, what is it that I really need? What is it that I really want? And I, I, I searched in and the answer was like, I, I want laughter and I want to make people laugh. And, you know, to be completely honest, standup was a morbid fear of mine. You know, it was something that I could have never imagined myself doing, but I sort of wielded it within myself. I was like, you know what, it's just gonna be a one-time thing. It was supposed to be like a bucket list thing.

Like, I'm gonna do standup once, and then that's it. And I'm writing it off. But what happened is, I was in San Francisco training, and I Google searched good place to try standup comedy for the first time in San Francisco. And the first hit that came up on Google was a laundromat slash cafe slash open mic place where people, oh, fun. They have a, they have an open mic and people are like folding their laundry while you're like, telling jokes . And yeah, the website said, this is a good place to try standup comedy for the first time in San Francisco.

So I go to Brainwash Cafe slash laundromat, and I, there were three minute sets, so I wrote three minutes of jokes. They were, I, they, now, in hindsight, they weren't funny at all, but they were all I could do at the time.

Mm-Hmm. and I go to the laundromat, I do a three minute set, it went well. And just, it happened to be that, that afternoon in the audience was a local producer who produced shows locally in the Bay Area. And he came up to me after my set, he is like, you were really funny. Like, do you wanna do my showcase? Which is in a month? No. And I was shocked. And I was like sure. And he is like, I need you to do 10 minutes and it's next month. See you next month. And so I was like, I told him, yeah, absolutely.

But in my mind, I was like, 10 minutes, I don't even have 10 seconds of good material . So, you know, what I ended up doing is I started going to other open mics so I could prep for that one showcase.

But then what happened is that at those other open mics, other comedians who had shows, they would see me and they were like, Hey, I want you to do my show. And so by the time I had that showcase a month out, I actually had all these other showcases lined up, and the next thing I knew I was, I was in it. I was deep in it. And, and the, the, it really just transformed. And then I, I was like, this is a lot of fun. I'm not gonna stop. And so I just kept doing it. And then years passed and then more opportunities arose, and then I started doing commercials. And that, you know, it turned into this whole other world. But it really originated for me wanting to face this small fear and just like seeing what would happen. I hope,

Speaker 2: I hope my listeners are listening to this because, you know, one of the things that I, that I say probably, I mean too many, too many times, is it doesn't matter where you go, it matters that you go, oh

Speaker 3: Yes.

Speaker 2: It sounds like you just said this is a fear of mine. I wanna confront it. You didn't have plans necessarily to become, you know, a standup comedian, but you just went where, you know, you went, you went in intersection and three minutes

Speaker 3: . Yes. And those three minutes literally changed my life. Yeah. And, you know, over the years, my relationship with fear has evolved. You know, it's, it's only years later that I realized, you know, when we experienced fear, and I'm not talking about the, the, the real fear. Like, if there's a tiger about to mall you or you know, a car gonna hit you or something like that, forget about that sort of fear, like actual real fear, but just sort of the existential fear that everyday fear to me. Now, when I experienced that in relation to a specific situation, I actually view that as a sign that I'm getting close to some area of transformation. Fear is a sign that you probably are doing something right.

Speaker 2: It's a flare from your unconscious mind going, pay attention, pay attention,

Speaker 3: Pay attention. Yeah. And so now when I experience fear, my relationship with it is such that I'm like, oh, it seems like this might be an opportunity for transformation.

Speaker 2: I Just love your story..

Speaker 3: Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2: What's the next?

Speaker 3: You know, yeah. So there's a coup, there's a couple of things in the pipeline. I mean I, I just wanna name to, to piggyback off of what you're saying, you know, again, when I first started doing standup, I never thought it would pivot to doing more social justice activism about better treatment for physicians treat. I never thought it would lead to educating the general public about complex medical issues in the form of a podcast that mixes comedy and medicine. You know standup really are, is kind of the trunk of the tree, but the branches led to other things. And for that, I'm very grateful. And so at this point, you know the, the podcast is taking up quite a bit of time. And we do have, it does butt

Speaker 3: it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. And like I said earlier, I am working on a show with parody songs and singing. So I love that you sing because singing has, has also been, it's another way of performing that really uses your whole body. And so I, I'm working on that as well. And then a couple of other projects that I can't really talk about yet, but I, I'm excited to release soon.

Speaker 2:Oh, that's nice. Well, again, we'll have the link to your podcast, but say it one, because I'll probably crucify again. So ,

Speaker 3:

It's, it's HypochondriActor episodes are released every Wednesday on all of the channels Spotify, iTunes audible, you name it.

Speaker 2:Yeah. Okay. And way any other ways people can reach out to you. Yeah,

Speaker 3: Sure. You know, I'm available on social media, Instagram. You can find me at Wali Priyanka. That's w a l i, Priyanka, P R I Y Y A N K A.

Speaker 2: Okay. Well, I, I, like I said, I was up about five 30 this morning and I started, you know, and you made me laugh and you made me laugh hard.

Speaker 3: Oh, good. .

Speaker 2:That was really a fun way to start my morning. And I have loved our conversation. Likewise.

Speaker 2: If You ever wanna have a mental health professional on, just keep me in mind,

Speaker 3:

. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to stay in touch. Well,

Speaker 2:

It's lovely to meet you. Likewise.

Speaker 3:

Bye.

Dr. Margaret Outro

I hope you enjoyed that. I could not have been more pleased that Priyanka wanted to be on the episode. In fact, we had quite a bit of schedules and reschedules and reschedules before we could get things planned. I really enjoyed talking with her. I hope I get to meet her in LA one time when I go out to see my son.

As of this recording, my TEDx has now had 112,000 views. Please go listen to it or watch it and like it if you do, I'm falling a little short on likes, 'cause I really want those to show that people are agreeing with the idea that we don't have to keep secrets. That we can be transparent even about things that are very, very hard to talk about. I hope that's what SelfWork is showing you, that I and other people can talk about things like depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, anything that happens to you with clarity so that we can act as beacons for each other.

So just go to YouTube, TEDx Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and it'll be there. You could watch it, listen to it, and if you do like it or even comment, that's even better. Thanks for being here, guys. It's always a pleasure. Take very good care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Margaret, and this has been.

 

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When I received an email about this new book, I knew I wanted to talk with its author. The book? The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control. The author? Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google. She's worked with many high-achieving women who are told they need to find "balance" - as if they're doing something wrong! Katherine tells us instead that what's important is to learn about the five different types of constructive perfectionism so that it can work for you! As she says, "You can dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful!"

She's an eloquent writer and speaker and it was wonderful having her on SelfWork as she helps these women exchange superficial control for real power.  Hope you'll listen in and learn!

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The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power

My TEDx talk that today has earned 100,000 views!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript:

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford At Self-Work. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret, and Self-Work is a podcast dedicated to you, taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I started this podcast now, almost seven years ago, to extend the walls of my practice to many of you who've already been in therapy and very interested in psychological and mental issues, emotional issues, to those of you who might have just been diagnosed with something and you're looking for answers. And also to a third group of you that might be a little skeptical about the whole mental health treatment thing. And even admitting to someone that you need help, that's a step in and of itself. So listening to a podcast, it's a real safe way to do that, right? Welcome to all of you. Y'all all know that I've written a book called Perfectly Hidden Depression, where we need to look at perfectionism as it serves as a camouflage for really a lot of inner struggle, despair, loneliness, and even sometimes suicidal thinking.

So I was very interested to see a book that's come out talking more about the positive aspects of perfectionism, what I would term constructive perfectionism rather than destructive perfectionism. So there's a new book by Katherine Morgan Schafler called The Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control. And she says, you know, you don't have to stop being a perfectionist to be healthy. She says, for women who are sick of being given the generic advice that they just need to find balance, her new approach has arrived, and she's categorized these constructive perfectionists in five ways: classic, intense, Parisian, messy or procrastinator. Which one could you be? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism. Yes, enjoy.

This book is elegantly written. I had to comment at the very beginning of the interview. I think it's one of the best books, at least self-help books that I've ever read, including my own. So Catherine's book is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving full of life clients who have filled the author's private practice and who changed her life. Ultimately, her book will show you how to make the single greatest trade you'll ever make in your life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power, is what she says. So I was very interested to talk with Katherine, and we talked a few weeks ago, and that's our episode for today, Katherine Morgan Schafler.

So this episode is sponsored once again by Better Help, because when you are ready to ask for help, maybe that will be the venue that you turn to because it is so easy, affordable for many, and very, very conducive to whatever lifestyle you are living. So let's hear from Better Help.

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And now I want to introduce you to Catherine Morgan Schaeffler, the author of The Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control.

Interview:

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret

Catherine, I I, I was reading your book and, and I will tell you that I, I think you're one of the most eloquent writers that I've ever interviewed and I've interviewed a bunch.

Speaker 2: Katherine Schafler

Wow, thank you so much.

Speaker 1: The way you use language, the way you approach ideas and the way you get them across is really, it makes the book not only very compelling, but it's it's just a pleasure to read. It's, it's a, it's the, it's very evocative and, and I just so enjoyed the way you think and the way you put things. So the process of the book was really good, I thought.

2: Thank you. That is so flattering. I will take that. Thank you so much.

1: Oh, good. So tell SelfWork listeners a little bit about you, who you are, how you get, you know, how you got to be an author, all that kind of thing.

2:

Sure. So my name's Katherine Morgan Schafler. I live in New York City, and I'm a psychotherapist and, and I, I think I always secretly wanted to write, but it was never in the forefront of my mind because I really do love being a therapist and, and my private practice was the soul of my work and still is. But I just noticed so many patterns as, as I know you have, because I've read your book as well, which is also fantastic. It was hooked on that intro story, which is every therapist's worst nightmare of Natalie and everything. Anyway, I digress. So, you know, when it is your job to listen to the most intimate pieces of someone's life, unfiltered, uncut and totally honest, that there's something special and sacred about that. And you kind of have your pulse on the zeitgeist in the way that other professions don't necessarily allow.

And for me, recognizing patterns across so many clinical settings, across so many de demographics, culturally, socioeconomically, and in all these kinds of ways, really compelled me to contain it somewhere. Mm-Hmm. , hence the book. Mm-Hmm. . So I wrote The Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control, A Path to Peace and Power, because that's, I noticed, universal.

1: That's my cue to show it. . Yeah. , yes.

2: So I, I really noticed universal plates around perfectionism that we are not talking about in commercial wellness. And not only are we not talking about them, we are talking about perfectionism. Like we fully understand it, like we know what it is, and you know, it's agreed upon in the research world that we're in the infancy of understanding this construct and that we don't even have a, an a formal clinical definition for so much of this stuff. And that really...

1: I noticed you call it an innate natural human tendency mm-hmm.Yeah. I thought that was interesting.

2: Yeah. You know, I think that it is natural and innate, and natural does not mean immediately healthy. Mm-Hmm. mm-hmm. , you know, like anger is also natural. That doesn't mean that anger is always healthy, but it also doesn't mean that it's not that there aren't wonderful expressions of that impulse within us. And that if we can just harness our natural innate human impulses instead of trying to eradicate them and get rid of them, which doesn't work, it will never work. I'm glad it will never work, because perfectionism is so powerful. Anger is such a powerful tool. All these things that we think are bad. Mm-Hmm. , they're not bad. They're powerful.

1: Yes. And they can be used in that way. You know, I, of course, I was thinking about my own writing and, and research and work when I was reading your book, and I really loved the juxtaposition of, of what your focus was and what my focus was. Which your focus is much more to a look at the, the beauty of perfectionism and celebrate it in many ways. And, and yet also look for when it's becoming something that, you know, like you said, all the five different types have their pros and their cons. Right. There are things that are great about them, and then there's things that are a little more vulnerable about them. Whereas my work is more talking about trauma and perfectionism and how that can, how perfectionism can at times, certainly not all the time be a camouflage of some kind, something that someone learns how to do in order to cope with the trauma that they have.

So they mm-hmm. Anyway, enough about that. But I, I, I so enjoyed looking at this other side of it. And how did you come up with the five different categories? I mean, is that something just observation, clinical observation?

2: Yes. Well, first, let me say, I really resonate with what you just said, because my first job in this profession was working in residential treatment with kids in LA who had been severely abused and neglected so much so that they were no longer even in foster care because their family of origin had in some way not been fit to parent. And then they were abused and neglected in foster care, and then they became what was called wards of the state. Yes. And I saw so much perfectionism, maladaptive perfectionism of just shape shifting, of being around an adult and immediately trying to assess, "Okay, who do they want me to be?"

Speaker 2:

Who does this grownup want me to be? How do I, how do I best be whatever they need me to be right in this moment to stay safe.

1: Yeah. It's like a supervisor told me once, if you go into someone's home where you meet a family, always pay attention to the child that is quiet in the corner. .

2: Yeah. I put that in my book too. I had, I had similar advice from my supervisor who said, really specifically, pay attention to the children who are behaving perfectly. And I think that's a common adage in training and therapy, because, you know, kids have natural frenetic energy so often, and they're a little bit all over the place, and, and that's a good thing. But when they are trying to manage so much, they you know, fade themselves out. But to return to your original question, I came up with the five types because I was really trying to understand a phenomenon that I was noticing, which was, you know, I, I worked onsite at Google.

I had a private practice on Wall Street. I worked in a rehab in Brooklyn in all these different, you've been , all these different settings. And I was able to take a client from my rehab and a client from my private practice on Wall Street and on, and see that they were both going to respond similarly to a certain situation. And those kinds of things started happening all the time. And I'm like, what is the tie that binds this true? Love it. And I thought for a moment, like, is it attachment theory? Is it this, is it what is happening? And how come I can predict with reasonable reliability, how people are going to respond to certain, you know, stimulus? And that's where the five types came from. I said, oh, it's perfectionism that is manifesting here, and it manifests in a patterned way.

1: So the, just to let the listeners know, the five types are: classic, procrastinator, messy, intense, and Parisian. And having lived in Paris for a little while I thought was, that one was very interesting. Oh, I think the French would love that they were some type of perfectness.

2: Well, you know, I I came up with that title because, you know, the, the beauty aesthetic for French women is so, so understated and simple in the sense that like, simplicity is the greatest form of sophistication. Like, it's very much signaling a a subtext of I'm not trying too hard. And the Parisian perfectionist really is embarrassed about other people knowing how much they care about something. Oh, that's, you know, and so they wanna be a little bit effortlessly cool. I'm not trying too hard. I don't care if you like me or not.

Speaker 2:

Meanwhile, they care a lot. And as I talk about in the book, that's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to prioritize connection and relationships and understand the power of those connections that you have. And that is what Parisian perfectionists do. Every perfectionist is chasing an ideal mm-hmm. . And we think of perfectionism in a one dimensional way, as in behavioral perfectionism. So I want everything to be organized and in its place when actually perfectionism is kaleidoscopic. And so perfectionism can show up interpersonally, I want to be perfectly liked by you, or perfectly understood, or I wanna be the perfect mother, the perfect whatever. And that doesn't look like I wanna act and say the perfect things. It's so much more nuanced. That's why I love this subject, because the person is holding in their mind a pie chart of what the perfect mother, let's say, okay.

Speaker 2:

Behaves like. Right. It's not that she never screams, it's that when she loses her cool, it's only to a certain amount. And then she's immediately able to make successful repair attempts and she's continually, you know, improving and getting better. And, you know, she's, and so when we think of perfect, we think of happy all the time, or never making a mistake, but perfectionism is actually very individualized. Mm-Hmm. , and it's based on the own person's sense of what is, you know, this shows up another example of emotional perfectionism showing up is like, what is the perfect way to feel when you bump into an X ? Right? So it's like, I wanna feel 5% nostalgic, 20% just indifferent, and I don't care. And like 50% confident, empowered, and, you know, I wanna forget about it 10 minutes later. And so, you know, that's where we get to the nuance of perfectionism is those, those little pie charts that we walk around with our minds.

1: I, I think that's great. And, and I'm not sure what I would do if my heads, I don't think it would be perfect, whatever it was.

2: We don't wanna find out. We don't need to find out. Right. that can remain a mystery for us all.

1: It seems more targeted or focused on women. You talk a lot about misogyny, and I totally agree with you. And, and yet how would men be?

2: You know, you're the first person to ask me that question, and I've done so many podcasts. Thank you for asking that, because this is something I wanna talk more about. Unfortunately, like everything can't fit in a book, but perfectionism in men, typically, and I, you know, this is like a heteronormative version of perfectionism in men, typically shows up in like, the perfect response for a man is to be strong, to not cry, to know what to do, and to be able to pretty immediately execute on those actions.

Speaker 2:

Right? So there's no allowance for inaction. There's no allowance for more feminine qualities of, you know, I need comfort, I need guidance, I need counsel, I need love, I need all the things that men need, but feel unable to either access or ask for, or even recognizing themselves that they need because we've so polarized what it means to be a man and a woman in this, in this ridiculous way that we all know intellectually. But when we are in that position of, of feeling in need, you know, it's hard to be able to operate with a broadened perspective on all that stuff.

1: I was talking to one of my own clients yesterday about asking for help, and I quoted your quote . Hmm. He said, asking for help is refusal to give up. And that's how I frame it. I loved that. So anyway, again, there are lots of little, no, not so little just very noteworthy and memorable.Is that a word? Memorable, things things, quotes in your book.

2: Well, I'm glad that we're including men 'cause people have asked me that question too. And, and what I've noticed and I, I certainly have men, many men come to mind that I've worked with that Right. Fit into this rubric. So, I mean, I'm sure you've noticed the difference between what happens when men cry in front of you in a session, for example. Right. I mean, it's always vulnerable when clients go there. They're meaning like a very emotionally like live wire place when men do it. There, there is like a palpable sense of shame in the room, you know, of like, oh, I am really out of control right now. I am really losing it. Mm-Hmm. .

1: Yeah. I, I I love to say to folks, I think tears are about intensity, not weakness.

2: Mm. I like that reframe. We believe.

1: So one of the things that I appreciated so much about your book is that you spend several chapters on what you can do about it, is what I say on SelfWork all time. What can you do about it? Yeah. And I wanna get there, but before I do, I think there were really in this kind of sense of celebrating, but also trying to understand what the underbelly of perfectionism is. You, you said there are two guiding questions mm-hmm. , how am I striving and why am I striving? Can you talk about that a little bit?

2: Sure. So, you know, mental health and being healthy is not like a coordinate that you just plant your flag in and say, I've arrived. I'm healthy now. And healthy versions of perfectionism and unhealthy versions, like everybody always wants to know, am I healthy, perfectionist or not?

And I'm like, let me kill the suspense. You're both, I'm both, anyone who's a perfectionist is both Exactly. Mm-Hmm. . And so I encourage people to think of it on a spectrum, right? And so in instead of a categorical model of I am or am not, the questions of how and why help you really be a little more thoughtful about your level of awareness. So the how it am it skin, it's that, right? Exactly. Exactly. And so the how is like, how am I striving? Am I striving in a way that is hurting me, that is burning me out, that is exploiting people around me, that is, you know, costing me something that I value my integrity, you know, my health, my relationships with my family, whatever it is that's unhealthy perfectionism, maladaptive perfectionism. Conversely, am I striving in a way that makes me feel like more of myself, that helps me to feel alive, that increases my curiosity, that really energizes me and also, you know, tires me out because this is work, you know, but it tires me out in a way that feels satisfying, right?

That's healthy adaptive perfectionism. And the why am I striving is like, why am I trying to pursue the thing that I am in pursuit of? Is it because I think achieving that thing is going to enable me to then feel a certain way that once I, once I get my doctorate, then I can feel smart or know that I'm smart. Or once I get married, then I can feel like a grownup or lovable or legit or, you know, is it gonna certify my belonging in some way? Are you trying to get a ticket of admission into some club mm-hmm. , or that's that's, that's unhealthy perfectionism? Or am I striving because it feels so good in the most, in the deepest way to find a pursuit worthy of a lifetime of striving, right.

1: And it's a process, it's a, yeah, you're enjoying the whole nine yards from A to z I mean, you may be tired when you get to Z but it's something that is, like you say, is feeding you at the same time that you are, that you are putting out that kind of energy and determination.

2: Yes, thank you. That's a great point. There's a level of reciprocation of energy, whereas when it's maladaptive and unhealthy, it feels like just hemorrhaging energy, just like, you know, such a cost. And so this most simple example is when people try to look their best, right? Healthy perfectionists might want to, some perfectionists don't really care about the way that they present, but if you're in a healthy place and you do care about the way that you present, you might decide to present, you know, as your best to look your best because you feel your best on the inside. And you wanna animate that and celebrate that and share that and let people know that. Whereas if you are in a maladaptive space, you do the exact same behavior, right. You're looking your best, but you're doing that because you already feel like you're at such a deficit and you already feel unworthy.

So the thinking is, I better look my best because I'm already coming to this meeting, this marriage, this whatever it is from a place of lack. And so I need to compensate for that somehow. So I'm gonna, you know, try to compensate by looking my best. So it's very . Yeah. I mean, it's what you're talking about in your book of it's hidden only, you know? Mm-Hmm. only, you know, whether you are focused on looking your best because you know, you truly feel that inside and you wanna animate that mm-hmm. or because you feel a void inside and you wanna try to fill that.

1: I love that term "animate." I think that is very 'cause it does feel as if you are Disney your life in some ways. 'cause You want to, you're trying to, you know, Gordon Flett says, "The better I do, the better I must do."

 2: And so it's just this constant cycle of, of of animating that, you know that way you want to seem Yeah, yeah, yeah. In destructive perfectionism.

1: Right. I love those two questions. Help me understand, because I, I got puzzled a little bit about, you talk about balance in a negative way mm-hmm. and I, I understood it. In many ways, it's, you, you know, you can't have it all. You, you just, you know, that's just not gonna happen. But you, you talk about balance is actually an energetic equilibrium. There's another one of those phrases that I loved, and because you've become, you've become being good at being busy. So can you sure. Yeah.

2: So that a little bit for us, yeah. Balance is a wonderful pursuit in its original definition, which is energetic equilibrium. Mm-Hmm. right. Balance in its, yeah. You know, original form is about how you feel on the inside.

Right. Balance as we talk about it in commercial wellness has become a, about being good at being busy mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And so we've really lost the inside of what balance means and we're operating with a shell casing. Yeah, that's an excellent point. Yeah. And so, you know, the people that are genuinely have found this sweet spot of their energetic equilibrium on the outside, they look like the opposite of balanced. You know, they're not able to juggle any task you throw at them. And, and they're not, you know, perfectly moving through their day with all of the, you know, it's not about that. And so it, that section was about the implicit sort of wild goose chase that we send women on, which is, you know what, you know what your problem is, you are not balanced enough. Yeah. Let me help you to be balanced.

Do this, say this mantra in the morning and buy this like Instapot so that you can make quinoa, , and you know get this app that's gonna help you to learn French, because balanced people are really cultured and travel enough and all this stuff. And it's like, just becomes another another achievement. You must, but now I must achieve balance. Yeah. And you know, I talk about it in the book, like when we were all young girls, we were told that the story that a prince was gonna come and rescue us, right? And that if we just make the most out of being trapped or kidnapped or, you know, being an orphan or whatever travesty that we're in and do what is good and virtuous, then one day the prince will come and save us and we will live as this story goes happily ever after.

And now as adult women, we are being sold that same exact story. And the prince has been replaced by this idea of balance that is so superficial, it's not real, and it never arrives. It's like, balance is always, oh, after the holidays I'll, I'll find balance. Oh, this is such a stressful week at work. I can't wait till Saturday. I'm gonna, you know, what I'm gonna have, get level set on Saturday. And then it's always in the future. And it never comes. And, and we don't notice that it never comes because as women, we are too busy blaming ourselves for it's delay. And it is not our fault. The reason that we never come, that it never comes is because this fake notion of balance is not real. It's just an idea. It's not real. Mm-Hmm. .

1: Yeah. It's a really intriguing thought. And I, I think it, it certainly I'm glad you said it and brought it up in the conversation in your book. 'Cause I, I think it's, it's something that maybe people, as you say, have swallowed a this com.

2: I used the term commercial a few minutes ago, this commercial version of balance. And, you know, you see people meditating on commercials and you know, making sure they take their, you know, all their medicine 'cause another medicine is going to fix that. Right? So medicine and yoga pants, the right outfit, , and a quick vodka martini perhaps. Oh, that too. Sure.

1: You said there are 10 changes in thinking that you can have and then 10 changes in your behaviors. So I would, I would love for you to just pick one of those maybe that you don't get to talk about very much. Mm-Hmm. , I just wrote a few of them down. Counterfactual thinking Maintenance and is triumph, difficulty versus challenge. And what I can't read my own handwriting, the getting connected Simple isn't easy, which I loved that one.

Mm-Hmm. And then some of the behaviors are restoration, reframe, explain, and express. Do less than, do more. Those are just a few that I wrote down. But what do you not get to talk about that you'd like to talk about?

2: Oh, thank you for that. So I think strike when the iron is cold. Like one of my favorite strategies it's a phrase that comes from the Dr. Irvin Yalom who is, you know, a celebrated psychologist and writer. And the idea here is that the best time to address a conflict or something that is really challenging to you is not when the iron is hot. It's not in the moment that you're in the conflict, right? It's when the conflict and you have some distance between themselves. So the strategy that, you know, the way I applied it in the book is like, the best time to work on your maladaptive perfectionism is when it's not showing up.

Yes. For you. It's when you're in a great space. Because when you're in a healthy space, that's when you feel most solutions oriented. That's when you feel confident enough to ask for help. That's when you feel, you know, that you have the most energy to maybe set or adjust a routine such that you are able to encounter, you know, your deepest self every day or your goals or whatever it is that you, you know, if you're anything like me can lose sight of really easily, you know, I have to remind myself of like my basic values every day just because otherwise we get so distracted and so striking when the iron is, is cold applied outside of managing perfectionism might look like, let's say you and your partner have a real hot button issue going on. Mm-Hmm. the time to talk about that is when you are feeling very connected to that person.

Exactly. And when, when you and that person are laughing, you're having a good time, you feel safe together. And that's when you wanna say, listen, I, I've been thinking about something that I'd like to have a conversation about. It's important to me. Do you have time? Mm-Hmm. And energy to listen to that right now? Or are you up for that right now? Mm-Hmm. and the person will probably be able to receive that versus, you know, let's just say for argument's sake, the, the issue is one, you know, one person comes home late and they don't say that they're coming home late and the other person feels dismissed and disrespected and blah, blah, blah. Okay. So striking when the iron is hot would look like noticing it's seven o'clock. My partner said they would be home at, at 6 45, 0, 15 minutes. You're building resentment, you're, you're, you know, you're just having an argument in your head and then seven 12 rolls by and your partner comes home and you're just like, why didn't you tell me?

We have talked about this. I wanna talk about this right now. You either respect me or you don't. And you just engage in this very unproductive back and forth, which creates immediate defensiveness. Nobody feels really safe and nobody feels open. There's, there's such a tiny, if not invisible or, or not even invisible, but just like doesn't exist opportunity for solution in those moments. You're just doing damage control at that point. Sure. Of course.

1: Strike when the iron is cold. That's a great, great way of putting it. And I've never heard it before. So that's that's, that's another one that will stick with me. I have sneaking suspicion. And then again, some of your behavioral suggestions are also really, really good. Which one do you not get to talk about ? Well so I mean, I think that if people understood that asking for help looks like not just asking for emotional help, that's actually a reframe of of perspective.

2: It's not one of the behavioral strategies, but I think it applies to behavioral strategies. Because if we're talking about the behavior of asking for help, being able to understand that, so often we don't ask for help because we think of my, of help in this myopic one dimensional way, which is asking for help means being emotionally vulnerable and having to tell someone something that feels private or scary to acknowledge. And emotional help is one version of help. I identify six in the book. There are many more. And so other versions of help include informational help. Mm-Hmm. , right? So if you, if you just started a business and you are really stressed out with the mechanics of filing your taxes under, you know, this a new P L L C as opposed to the way you've always filed your taxes in life, you are stressed and you need help and understanding, wait a minute, I don't need necessarily a therapy session about this.

I need to talk to an accountant and ask them two specific questions. I need informational help. And so just being able to organize the kind of help you need and create buckets in your mind. There's tangible help, there's physical help, there's financial help, there's emotional help, there's informational help and there's community help. And again, that's just the intro class, right? , they're all different kinds of help. And so asking for help doesn't have to look like bearing your soul to somebody.

You know, I, I'm thinking laughing to myself about this past weekend. I, I'm short, I'm like five three and I am too. Oh, . And I was at the grocery store and the thing I wanted Creme Fraise was way at the top. And I was standing there and trying to hold on and I thought, I'm just not gonna ask for help.

And I knocked the hole, the shelf off, , it all kept rumbling down. Oh God, didn't I just ask for help? So

2: Yeah. I know there are so many moments where we don't ask for help for no good reason. And then there are other moments when we don't ask for help for reasons that we think are good, but other people, you know, they, I was just talking about this to a friend where it's like, you don't ask for help because you think you are burdening someone. Mm-Hmm. when actually asking for help is an invitation to connect and let people show up for you. And it also gives other people license to ask for help from you. Love to ask for help. Yeah. Be asked for help. It's like, oh, you see me as someone that can help you? That's very flattering to me.

1:  Right. A lot of people do. So well the, the book's title is again, the Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control, A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler. And I'm also curious, and I saw that one of your certifications was from the Association for Spirituality and Psychotherapy in New York, and, but your afterward is very interesting. Mm-Hmm. .

2: Yeah. I put that in in the last second 'cause I was scared to put it in because I was like, it it, it has God in it. Yeah. It has God, God language, . And I was really raised, not, not religiously and so to me, but I've always believed in God. Mm-Hmm. and it felt like a really intellectual book.

And it also felt incomplete without that afterwards. So I just snuck it in there, .

1: I love it. I thought, wow, what, this is really revealing another part of her. Yeah. So it was and the way you feel about that kind of connection, how you feel about connection. Yeah.

2: Well, I'll tell you where that came from. I remember being in my apartment before I even had a book proposal and just having a ton of index cards. 'cause I'm old school and I like to write stuff on index cards and lay them out to organize my thoughts. And I was like, what is this book gonna be about? What is it not gonna be about? How am I going to structure it? And I just had that, you know, I call it in the afterward Waking Dream. I was sitting there and I just saw what I wrote in the afterward and it was just like a ten second thing.

And I, and I was like, that is the spine of the book. And at, when I finished the book, something about it didn't feel complete and it was not including that little, you know, half a page afterward. And then I put it in and I felt such a peace in heart and mind, and I really love that part too. So thank you for, for sharing that.

1: Of course. Well, if for SelfWork listeners who are going to actually pick this book up, which I would highly recommend, I'm not gonna spoil it by reading it because I think it's just very, oh gosh, it, it evoked curiosity. It evoked gentleness. I don't know. It was just very, it was very interesting that you would, and I, I, I felt like you were letting us in a little bit to who you are and, and what makes you tick.

So that's, that was really a beautiful thing to write. Hmm. Thank you. Anything else that you would like for us to hear about you or about your work?

2. Well the book is a conversation starter, and I could, you know, I think we all could talk about this in so many different directions and ways. And I continue the conversation on my site, which is Katherine Morgan Schafler.com, and you can find me on instagram@Katherinemorganschafler.com. And and I just wanna thank you for having me on. This has been such a thoughtful conversation and I also wanna Thank you. I have your book here. Oh. And I wanna, I wanna thank you for laying the groundwork. You know, you and so many other practitioners, you know, Dr. Brene Brown comes to mind, Flett and Hewitt, obviously, you know, all these people that really cemented how perfectionism can go wrong and how much we need to be mindful of that and understand that we need bumper lanes on this thing mm-hmm.

or else we are going to crash. Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, the crash for perfectionism is very serious. And I talk about those serious risks in the book. And the reason that I was able to write a book about a sort of broader perspective was because the, you know, part about how maladaptive perfectionism can go wrong was so clearly laid out. And so I appreciate that and it gave me license to really explore. And I never get a chance to tell the people who wrote books. I mean, isn't that the best part of being an author is that you get to talk to other people who write other authors and about being a podcast host as well, so . Yeah, right. But man, being a podcast host looks so hard to me. It look, I mean, it looks easy on the surface, but just by being on all these podcasts, even just as a guest, I'm like, God, the level of technology, alone, .

Well, that's when you, thank God for your team and your audio engineer . Mm-Hmm. . Thank you Catherine. So very, very much. My pleasure. Thank you. Of course.

Thanks to Catherine for a wonderful interview. I'm so appreciative of her work and the fact that she also actually in the beginnings of the book does talk about how perfectionism can be destructive. So we're really more on the same page than I initially thought. Thanks for the reviews you're leaving for SelfWork. Wherever you listen, keep 'em coming. Thank you for your support and for being here today. And please take very good care of yourself, your family, and your community. Of course, our hearts are broken by what has happened in Hawaii. And so if you know someone there or if your life is affected by that tragic wildfire, please know that we are helping and we want to help. And I urge everybody listening, give whatever you can to the American Red Cross or the organization of your choice to help out these Hawaiians who have lost everything. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

 

 

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During my research on last week's episode on post partum, I learned that my own state of Arkansas holds the #1 spot in the US for maternal mortality rates. I'm interviewing Dr. Zenobia Harris today, whose accolades in this field are numerous to try to understand what's not happening in Arkansas that needs to happen - and what states are doing it right and how. Dr. Harris heads up the Arkansas Birthing Project, and is an incredible force and national advocate for health equity and for improvements to family, child, and maternal health. The program as well as the national organization Every Mother Counts is reaching out to minority women and their families, who are much more likely to suffer severe medical problems both during and after pregnancy.

Thanks as always to MagBreakthrough for their sponsorship of this episode!

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We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

 

Vital Links:

Birthing Project USA

Dr. Krystal Caschetta as a victim of severe post partum depression

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret, and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Speaker 2: Dr. Margaret

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and I'm so glad you're here.

This week, we had another reminder of the seriousness of post partum depression - or the potentially fatal mixture of new motherhood and suicide.

Dr. Krystal Caschetta, an oncologist, is reported to have killed her 4 month-old daughter and then killed herself in New York.  Current evidence seems to support that she was suffering from the most severe type of post partum, or what's called post partum psychosis, where the new mother is besieged with delusions or hallucinations that can govern her behavior and lead to violence against her baby and her self. It's another set of gruesome tragedies that demands our attention because these deaths can be prevented with the right care and understanding.

I'm sure there will be more to report. And our hearts go out to that family and others who've experienced such a harsh reminder of the mental and emotional toll pregnancy can take.

During my research on last week's episode on post partum, I learned that my own state of Arkansas holds the #1 spot in the US for maternal mortality rates. I'm interviewing Dr. Zenobia Harris today, whose accolades in this field are numerous. She heads up the Arkansas Birthing Project, and is an incredible force and national advocate for health equity and for improvements to family, child, and maternal health. The program as well as the national organization Every Mother Counts is reaching out to minority women and their families, who are much more likely to suffer severe medical problems both during and after pregnancy.

What's amazing is that those statistics can be reversed with support for that mom during pregnancy - provided by who Dr. Harris calls "sister friends."  Here on SelfWork, we talk about what you can do about it. Dr. Harris is doing just that and creating a network of sister friends that are saving lives- and we want to support that mission here at SelfWork!

We want to welcome back Magnesium Breakthrough as a sponsor of SelfWork once again! In fact, Mag Breakthrough helped me avoid a side effect of another medication I needed to take for a few days simply by helping my colon function better. I love this product!

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Speaker 2:

So now I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Zenobia Harris, head of the Arkansas Birthing Project, and a highly respected advocate for improving the care and support that all mothers receive, but especially moms of color who are the most at risk.

Speaker 3: Dr. Harris

The Arkansas Birthing Project is located in the main office is in Little Rock, but we do have birthing projects in various counties around Arkansas and primarily in southeast Arkansas. We primarily work with African American women and women of color. Yes.

Speaker 2:

So, but tell me about how long have you been the head of the birthing project and what do y'all do and talk about some maternal mortality issues.

Speaker 3:

Well, the Arkansas Birthing Project is an affiliate of Birthing Project, USA, which is a 40 year old black maternal and child health organization that originally formed in California Uhhuh , but it was founded by a woman from Arkansas. Really? Her name is Catherine Trujillo, and she was from Moscow, Arkansas. Yeah. But she was actually working for the California Department of Health and Human Services and was spending a huge amount of money as a fiscal agent on preterm Babies Care. Okay. And so she decided to do, conduct a social experiment with several of her friends. They decided to provide support to pregnant women during their pregnancy. There were, were 10 of them, and they each got a mentee, a little pregnant woman who they provided material and physical supports to during pregnancy and social supports, and they were astounded by the outcomes.

Speaker 3:

Traditionally statistically, the young women that they partnered with should have had really poor outcomes, and they didn't. The babies were born close to term or on term, the baby's weighed more than 5, 6, 5 and a half pounds at birth. Wow. they had a non-eventful delivery, and they did quite well after birth. And so they replicated this in that community several times and ended up at one, at, at later time, actually establishing a health clinic in a really at-risk community in the Sacramento area. And this kind of just sort of spread through informal networks. The, the idea of doing this well I, I saw Catherine when she came to Arkansas about, oh, about 10 years after she had founded the birthing project. She did a, a program for the March of Dimes, and I was mesmerized by the work she was doing. And so I became involved with the birthing project at that time. Yeah. And have been, had been working on it part-time until I actually retired from my work as a administrator with the Arkansas Department of Health and have been doing the birthing project full-time now in Arkansas since 2016.

Speaker 2:

I should add, you have your doctorate in nurse practitioner,

Speaker 3:

But we what we do is we go into local communities and train community women to provide support to women during their pregnancy.

Speaker 2:

What did those in initial mentors do? Or what is that? What does that support look like?

Speaker 3:

Well we primarily focus, of course, on social supports because many of the women that we interact with are women who identify as people who fall through the cracks. Perhaps they don't have a, a permanent place to live, or they have food insecurity, or they don't, they're not seeking prenatal care for various reasons because they don't know how to access it or they don't know have transportation, all those kinds of issues.

Speaker 2:

Too Expensive. They don't have insurance. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3:

Exactly. And some of them don't have family members to support them. They don't have close, you know people in their lives that will provide that support during this really special time in their lives. And so, our sister friends who are our mentors, we encourage them to become really familiar with the resources in their local communities. Okay. And to work with their little sisters to access those resources that she needs to have a good outcome. Okay. We require that the sister friends work with the little sisters to make sure they get a source of prenatal care and that they keep their prenatal appointments. If they have need transportation, help them work on identifying that we encourage our sister friends not to make your little sister dependent on you, but to encourage her to be independent.

Speaker 2:

That's an important point, isn't it? Wow. Yes.

Speaker 3:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

So what about postnatal care? Because I mean, you know, last week I did this episode on postpartum depression and found out that suicide and drug overdose is accounts for about 25% of the mortality deaths. Is that right? The maternal deaths? Is that correct?

Speaker 3:

Maternal? Yes, that's correct. Mental health related issues certainly have a huge impact. And unfortunately, some physical health issues also impact our maternal mortality issues such as undiagnosed health conditions such as diabetes, right. Cardiac disease, hypertension, which can lead to eclampsia, preeclampsia, and eclampsia, and which can be very fatal. And unfortunately for many African American women it is,

Speaker 2:

I'm so sorry. And the, the couple of articles, 84% of those deaths were preventable.

Speaker 3:

Yes. That is a, that is a huge tragedy for our communities. Huge, huge, huge tragedy and a huge loss of potential of human potential that could you know, be at work in these communities helping to improve the status of our communities. So it's a, it's a huge loss that we experience when these things happen.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it is. And as well as the children they bore, you know, so Yes.

Speaker 3:

Right. And unfortunately, sometimes we lose the babies as well. You know, we have the fourth highest infant mortality rate in the United States as well.

Speaker 2:

Do we really,?

Speaker 3:

Arkansas.

Speaker 2:

Wow.

Speaker 2:

Which are the states that are doing it better? What are the states that are doing it better and, and how are they doing it better?

Speaker 3:

Well as you, you may or may not be aware many states, over 30 of our states in the United States have extended the coverage for Medicaid for women postpartum. You know, in Arkansas, their postpartum coverage cuts off for women who are Medicaid eligible after the second, after two months after delivery. Oh my goodness. Well, many states - about 30 states - have extended that coverage for the first year of life because these deaths can often occur during the postpartum period. Many of them occur during the postpartum period when women don't have coverage. And what we, what they have found is that women will put off going to the doctor because they don't have money to pay for their care. And so they put off their symptoms and they'll deny their symptoms or delay, you know, seeking care until it's unfortunately too late.

Speaker 2:

What do you know for the mental health aspect of things?

Speaker 3:

Well, I think we, we do have a real acute shortage of mental health providers in our state, as you probably are very well aware mm-hmm. , and there's some parts of our state that are worse than others. And so dealing with that, in addition to some of the stigma that is associated with seeking psychological care and support is something that we've got to address as a society.

Speaker 2:

Now, if I read some of the articles disagreed with one another about this, so let me ask you... I read in one article that the mental health problems, suicide and drug overdose were more prevalent in minority women than white women. And then another article, it said, no, they're about the same.

Speaker 3:

They're about the same. Okay. In my experience. Okay.

Speaker 2:

Okay. Yes.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah. You know, we have the first trimester, second trimester, third trimester is, you know, when during the time the baby is born. Sure. And then, of course, that fourth trimester, which is the period, the immediate period after birth, actually that first year after birth of the baby. I think something that we need to make some distinctions about, or what we call baby blues. Have you heard that terminology, baby blues?

Speaker 2:

Oh, yes, of course.

Speaker 3:

Have, mm-hmm. versus postpartum depression. And I think sometimes people get those things confused. In the baby blues, you know, a little bit of melancholy and uncertainty and perhaps a little depression after birth because of all this tremendous hormonal and body changes that are occurring. If it lasts longer than two weeks, then we're really talking about postpartum depression.

Speaker 2:

And speaking of that, there is a, a, a medication that has just been FDA approved for postpartum depression, specifically for postpartum depression. Now I'm real excited about that. But, you know, my, my podcast goes well, I have listeners from all over the world, but certainly all over the United States. What, what could a woman do or, or a friend of someone who's pregnant? What are all these, is it called the Tennessee Birthing Project? Is it called the Mississippi Birthing Project? What, what are the, or the California, whatever it is, how can people plug themselves in or plug people in that they, that they know and love into these kinds of programs?

Speaker 3:

Well, the birthing project is just one of many opportunities I think we have available in our local communities to provide support to women during this really critical time. You know, there's been a lot of discussion about community doulas as well, and the supports that they provide. Yes. And I think there's room for everyone. The birthing project specifically, we identify people who are lay people. They don't necessarily have to be trained medical people, and they don't necessarily have to have any kind of certification, but we work with them and support them so that they can in turn, feel free and empowered to support a, an individual person basically like becoming a, a good friend of that person. Okay. A reliable and trustworthy friend. And Birthing Project USA, which is based out of Albuquerque, New Mexico is sort of the hub where people go to get information to establish birthing projects in other states. There are even some international birthing projects in Cuba in Ghana and other foreign nations.

Speaker 2:

Can you tell the audience what, what a doula is?

Speaker 3:

Well, a doula is an individual who is specially trained and experienced to provide to women at doing support during very critical times, either during their pregnancy, during labor and delivery postpartum. And there are even some some bereavement doulas who actually provide specialized support to real, recognize important needs that women and their families have as well. Mm-Hmm. , and to provide those supports to them to make sure that they have good pregnancy outcomes. So they are right there with women in the delivery area. They're that other voice in that other set of eyes and hands in that area and space that women need often when they're going through this real critical period, because as you know, it's very stressful and often, sometimes decisions have to be made pretty quickly, and it is good to have someone there who is very focused on the needs and the desires of the woman involved Right. During this real critical period.

Speaker 2:

Right. So if people wanted to either volunteer or donate, they could go to the Birthing Project, USA

Speaker 3:

Or the Arkansas Birthing Project if they're in Arkansas.

Speaker 2:

Sure, sure, sure. Mm-Hmm. . Well, yeah. Most, a lot of my listeners are New Yorkers and California people. So

Speaker 3:

Birthing Project USA. it's listed they do have a web, there's a website Birthing Project USA, and we'd be happy, they can indicate that they're interested in more information, and we'd be happy to get in touch with them. Arkansas has been asked to do some of the training for Birthing Project U S A because they appreciate the model that we have in our state. We're the only state that has multiple birthing projects in different counties compared to some of the other, you may have just one birthing project in one particular area in their state.

Speaker 2:

I have a sneaking suspicion that's about you,

Speaker 3:

. Well, I'm, I'm very passionate about this work. I'm very committed to it. And I just want to make sure that our next generation is prepared to provide supports that women need during this really important time in our lives. We're building our communities and we want to make sure that we get the full benefit of every person, the full humanity of every person in our communities safely delivered into this in our communities, and safely ensconced in our communities empowered to achieve the goals that God has set before them so that they can be full functioning citizens in our society.

Speaker 2:

I, I couldn't, well, very well said and eloquently said, by the way, so I'm so glad you could come on. And I hope to, again, it's Birthing Project USA or in if you live in Arkansas, it's the Arkansas Birthing Project. This is Dr. Zenobia Harris, and I'm delighted, absolutely delighted that you've joined me today. Thank you so very much,

Speaker 3:

Dr. Margaret. Can I do one more plug You regarding Every Mother Counts. Every Mother Counts has been very generous working with us. They actually have produced a film called Giving Birth in America, Arkansas. Oh. And we are encouraging people to access that film. It can be accessed on Every Mother Counts website to schedule viewings of the, of the film. And if you are interested in having a discussion groups set aside, we can certainly arrange that for you too, because we want people to talk about this very important issue of maternal mortality in our state and come together on solutions for this very important issue.

Speaker 2:

What is the name of it again? Because I will put it in the show notes.

Speaker 3:

Giving Birth in America, Arkansas, and it's on the Every Mother Counts website.

Speaker 2:

Okay. I got it.

Speaker 3:

Thank you. And thank you to Every Mother Counts too, for their support.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. They seem like an incredible organization.

Speaker 3:

Well, thank you so much, Dr. Margaret.

Speaker 2:

Of course. Of course. Anytime.

Speaker 3:

All right, let's stay in touch.

I'm sure you were as impressed with Dr. Harris as I am and was. Please reach out to her and all the organizations. Most states are gonna have some sort of support group like this as well as Every Mother Counts. That's a national organization, and I bet there are others. I know that not everyone who listens to SelfWork is from the United States, so please look around for help that you might need and benefit from. As usual, thank you for being here. It's an exciting week. My TED Talk has reached a hundred thousand views and many of you are probably those who have viewed it. So I want to thank you very much. We've got a lot of plans for the fall, and I can't wait to begin to introduce them to you. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been self work.

.

 

 

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There are many times that work with my own clients sparks a podcast episode – and this time, I needed to look at what had been discussed in the literature since I saw my last client with postpartum depression. Because I had another – and her depression was severe.

The moms I’ve seen with PPD have all been different. Some highly anxious but unable to function due to that anxiety along with a bad depression. Some who had histories of depression and some who didn’t. Some who had had previous children with no problem and some who’d prepared for PPD since they’d experienced it before. And some who were almost dissociative – meaning that they were going through the motions of motherhood but felt very little about it. They “loved” their baby but having one seemed unreal – as if it hadn’t happened.

So today we’re going to get the facts out about postpartum depression and of course, what you can do about it.

Our listener voicemail is from a woman whose mom was an alcoholic and got sober, but who also appears to have borderline traits or BPD. – and who is viewing her daughter’s choice to set boundaries as cruel and punitive. You can hear the poignancy in this mom’s voice as she wants so to protect her children – but is she really protecting them by setting the boundary and thus, from her perspective, “creating” her mom’s reaction and other difficult family dynamics. The point is she’s NOT the one creating the dysfunction – or it certainly doesn’t sound as if she is.  What would you say?

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Symptoms of Post Partum Depression

Causes of Post Partum Depression

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript/Intro

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello, welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm a psychologist. I've been in private practice for 30 years now and have decided to extend the walls of that practice to those of you who might be very interested in hearing more about mental health topics, maybe you're in therapy, maybe you've just been diagnosed with something or you have some kind of problem that you just want some help seeing through different eyes... and of course to a third group of you - those of you who think mental health treatment and maybe even therapists are just a little wacky and a little strange . So we're here together and I'm so glad we are.

There are many times that my work with my own clients sparks a podcast episode, and this is one of them. I have someone with pretty severe postpartum depression, and so I wanted to look more into it, especially the recent research.

The moms I've seen with postpartum have all been different. Some have been highly anxious and unable to function due to that anxiety along with a bad depression. Some had histories of depression, some who didn't, some who'd had previous children with no problem, and then some who prepared for postpartum depression since they'd experienced it before. Some were almost dissociative, meaning that they were going through the motions of motherhood, but felt very little about it. They loved their baby, but having one seemed unreal. They sort of felt dissociated from the whole experience. Detached is what that means  - as if it hadn't happened.

What the general public doesn't realize is just how many miscarriages actually occur or how many problems there can be with pregnancy. For example, in 2020, there were 21,000 stillbirths that occurred in the US and the majority of those occurred among non-Hispanic, native Hawaiian or other Pacific Islanders and non-Hispanic black women.And this rate is more than twice the rate for non-Hispanic white women.

So today we're gonna get to the facts out there about postpartum and of course what you can do about it.

Our listener voicemail is from a woman whose mom was an alcoholic and got sober, but who also appears to have borderline traits and who's viewing her daughter's choice to set boundaries as cruel and punitive. You can hear the poignancy in this mom's voice as she wants so to protect her children. But is she really protecting them by setting a boundary, and thus, from her perspective, creating her mom's reaction and other difficult family dynamics? The point is, she's not the one creating the dysfunction, or it certainly doesn't sound as if she is. What would you say? We'll delve into that more later.

As always, we wanna thank our generous sponsors. And if you've noticed, there's a fairly new arrival in SelfWork's queue of podcast listens, and that's an announcement about the Jordan Harbinger Show. You can support me and SelfWork by listening into my intro on Jordan's podcast. It'll appear second in your feed, as well as hearing a short message from Jordan himself on how he shapes his podcast. I actually listen to him on my walks. It's very different from SelfWork, but I like his style. Give it a listen when you can because it will support SelfWork..

The Episode

For now, let's get into a discussion about what is a very painful subject when you're not supposed to be depressed -  'cause you just had a baby,

It seems that finally postpartum depression is getting attention and that attention is long overdue. Some celebrities have been talking about it through the years revealing what an extremely tough time they had for the months after their child's birth. Marin Morris, for example, the country singer says "You're trying to become a new mother and good parent and do everything right". She added of the drowning feeling, "You just feel like you suck at every level".

The actress Reese Witherspoon gave testimony to this kind of depression sneaking up on you. She said she felt completely out of control after the birth of her first child. And now I quote, "We don't understand the kind of hormonal rollercoaster that you go on when you stop nursing, and no one explained that to me. I was 23 years old when I had my first baby, and nobody explained to me that when you wean a baby, your hormones go into the toilet.I felt more depressed than I'd ever felt in my whole life. It was scary."

And there's another, Serena Williams had her baby in 2018, and she said, "Honestly, sometimes I still think I have to deal with it". Her daughter was born by emergency cesarean section, and the athlete also had a near death experience involving pulmonary embolism. So you can see why that is really trauma and that happens. So I quote her again, "I think people need to talk about it more because it's almost like the fourth trimester. It's part of the pregnancy. I remember one day I couldn't find Olympia's bottle and I got so upset I started crying because I wanted to be perfect for her."

If you wanna hear more celeb stories, I've got a link for you in the show notes.

So what are the most recent statistics and facts about postpartum depression?

Here's what a New York Times article had to say. "In recent years, mental health struggles have become the leading cause of maternal mortality in the United States, primarily due to suicides and drug overdoses. It's estimated that one in eight new moms experience postpartum depression and some research has suggested that the prevalence climbed as high as one in three during the early days of the pandemic. Yet roughly half of the women who are struggling with their mental health after pregnancy don't receive treatment. Barriers to care include a lack of awareness about symptoms and treatments and inability to access resources and of course stigma."

So now I move away from that article to say there's increasing awareness that maternal deaths don't just happen during pregnancy or within the first few weeks after birth. This is going to surprise you. It was a stunning revelation to me. The new figures come amid a troubling rise in deaths of pregnant women and new mothers in the United States, which has the highest maternal mortality rate in the industrialized world.

The figures soared during the pandemic to 32.9 deaths for every 100,000 live births in 2021. Rates for black and Native American women are two to three times higher than those for white women. It seems that the rates for black and native American women may be more equivalent to white women when the deaths are about depression or suicide.

So now we know that there's danger to mom and baby for quite a long time. I'm going to quote one more article, summing up the findings from the CDC and I quote, "A fuller extent of the problem came to light in September when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention took a more expansive look at mother's deaths analyzing them for a full year after childbirth and including deaths resulting from mental health conditions based on data provided by 36 states on 1018 pregnancy related deaths from 2017 to 2019."

The CDC concluded that about a third of them occurred during pregnancy or on the day of delivery, and roughly another third before the baby turns six weeks old. But a full 30% occurred from that point until the baby's first birthday, a period that had not been a focus of maternal mortality research. I mean, I think this is incredible.

Of note, most pregnancy related suicidal deaths occurred in the postpartum period with 62% of pregnancy related suicides occurring between 43 and 365 days postpartum, followed by 24% during pregnancy, and 14% within 42 days postpartum. So we don't have to just worry about postpartum in the first few weeks. We actually have to be very tuned into its presence even a year after the baby is born. The data have led to calls for closer follow-up care and more support for new moms during what has been called the fourth trimester, as Serena Williams called it, with special attention given to the women most vulnerable.

I love this quote from Allison Stuby, an OB GYN professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. She says, "Our approach to birth has been that the baby is the candy and the mom's the wrapper. And once the baby is out of the wrapper, we cast it aside. We need to recognize that the wrapper is a person. Moms are getting really sick and dying."

Just to let you know, the other deaths that were not mental health conditions, the most frequent is hemorrhage, cardiac conditions, infections, thrombotic embolism and cardiomyopathy in that order. And they accounted for over 75% of pregnancy related deaths. And actually the figures show that 84% of those deaths were preventable. Let me say that again. 84% of those deaths were preventable. But people aren't paying attention. Moms don't wanna complain. Families are in denial. They don't know about this information.

That's why it's so vital, and we're featuring it here on SelfWork. So is it that women didn't complain or that somehow mothers signs of illness were overlooked, somehow seen as weakness or that pregnant or new moms weren't counting their blessings?

In fact, I will remember that when I finally became pregnant through I V F, that's in vitro fertilization. I was in my OBs office complaining about how much my feet had swollen. Now, I liked my OB, but he said, "Now, Margaret, you're so lucky to be pregnant. You shouldn't complain" in this kind of patronizing voice, I looked straight at him and said, "I couldn't disagree with you more. You're right. I worked hard to get pregnant and I am lucky. But that hard work gives me all the room in the world to complain. This was hard from the very beginning." He apologized, which was one of the reasons why I liked him so much.

But somehow, women are supposed to handle the very difficult and at time frightening aspects of childbirth while either parenting other children or working full-time for a salary or whatever, without complaining, without receiving support, or more importantly, without being listened to for what are very real problems.

In my research for this episode, I also came across a story about just this attitude toward women that truly shocked me to the core, at least rationally as a woman. However, I sadly got it. After we hear from BetterHelp who can help you through depression of any kind, I'll tell you this story and talk more specifically about the symptoms of postpartum depression.

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does, who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you, and you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help. And if you use the code or link Betterhelp.com/ selfwork, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did. That. Link again is betterhelp.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of services.

Okay, first, let's talk about the symptoms of what's called PPD or postpartum depression. It's very different than the baby blues. Baby blues are very, very common, similar to what things are going on in other life transitions, they are mood swings, anxieties, sadness, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, crying, trouble with thinking and concentration, trouble sleeping. But that tends to go away when the new mom or maybe the mom with two or three other children settles down. But if the baby is sick or colicky or is born with some kind of problem, who knows what will happen. And yet, even if the baby seems perfectly normal, postpartum depression can happen and you can place huge shame onto yourself because somehow you're not grateful or happy. It basically is the same as a major depressive episode. In fact, that diagnosis has to be there with huge hormonal changes occurring.

I worked with a woman who developed major depression after an adoption, not because there was anything wrong, but 'cause she'd gone through years of infertility treatment and failed adoptions and had never grieved the loss of those dreams. Her grief was waiting for her, and her experience was that she had very strong depression after she got her child. And let's say the mother herself had serious medical trauma during the birth or the pregnancy, and now she's supposed to be able to snap back from that and parent or nurse. Maybe she nearly died herself, but there's no time to grieve... or so she can tell herself and others can feed her that line as well. So in that instance, talk about complication!. She may be dealing with post-traumatic stress alongside trying to care for a child and becoming depressed herself.

Now, what are postpartum depression symptoms? It's very similar, if not the same with major depression, except there are unique things that have to do with hormonal changes and being a mom. You're depressed, you have severe mood swings, you cry too much. You have difficulty bonding with your baby. You withdraw from family and friends. You can't eat, you can't sleep. Or sometimes you sleep too much. You don't enjoy what you used to enjoy. You can be very angry and irritable. You fear that you're not a good mother. Feel hopeless, helpless, worthless. You can have severe anxiety and even panic attacks. You can have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby and recurring thoughts of death or suicide.

So who's more at risk for postpartum? One, someone who's had depression in the past. Two, if you have a partner with an untreated mood disorder or substance abuse and three, lack of social support. Now what does that last one mean? Maybe you have little to no maternity leave. Maybe you're on your own with no friends or relatives to help you adjust. Untreated postpartum depression may last for many months or longer.

Now, there is a thing called postpartum psychosis. Just like in any depression, a deeper depression can devolve into psychosis where you feel confused and lost. You hallucinate -meaning you see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there. You have delusions. You can feel paranoid, and you may even hear voices telling you to harm your baby. You've got to tell people if that's what's happening. It requires immediate treatment.

I'm gonna touch on the fact that fathers who are young, have a history of depression, experience relationship problems, or are struggling financially are also candidates for a certain kind of postpartum depression, sometimes called paternal postpartum depression. It can certainly have the same negative effect on the mother and father's relationship and their child's development. So we must become more aware of this. And if you have a daughter or a sister or a friend who's struggling, what's the best thing you can do?

Before I answer this question, I wanna bring up perfectionism. Just think what happens when a woman who's perfectionistic and needs a lot of control has a baby. Everything that was in her control suddenly isn't. This can be a highly dangerous time for her. It can be a pressure cooker, and friends can really help out by affirming what is a difficult transition for anyone, but especially if you need a lot of control.

So I told you about a story I was gonna tell you that I was shocked by. I discovered a podcast called The Retrievals that is a part of the Serial series. Now, I haven't listened to it all, but what I heard was shocking. Basically, an employee, a nurse from the Yale Infertility Clinic stole pain meds that the women undergoing egg retrieval procedures were supposed to get in their IVs, pain meds that would normally have made the procedure perhaps uncomfortable, but that would be it.

And yet, several of the women having these egg retrievals, which is an operation basically were screaming that they could feel everything and that the pain was unbearable. And this happened to multiple, multiple people and went on for several weeks. But the women just bore the pain because they were told, "Well, we've given you all the pain medicine we can." The producer of this program stated that they did what women often do, which is to make up a story that would somehow lead them to blame themselves for their horrific experience. And that's what women tend to do. We tend to find fault with ourselves.

But listen to this... Even after the facts were discovered, the crime was discovered that the nurse had basically replaced the pain meds with saline solution. So some women only got one to 10% of the pain medicine needed. Even after that had been discovered, all of the women got a statement from Yale that basically said, "We're sorry, but you know, there was no harm done." What?No harm?

So the women felt relief that their realities were validated but also very disrespected. I'm anxious to hear the rest of the program. Maybe they did something about that. I'll have the links to the entire podcast for you in the show notes.

So women's pain is often overlooked. We are seen as complaining or whining when it's really very real. And this has just got to stop. Postpartum depression is a very real and dangerous form of depression. So we must make sure we listen and pay attention. And rather than saying, "Well, I don't wanna tell my daughter who's about to have a baby that this might happen to her, you know, I don't want to worry her. I don't want her to be afraid." Myself. I'd rather someone know that this is what to watch for. In fact, that would be a wonderful gift to give someone who's just discovered she's about to have a child - Sso they can prepare and be alert. That's what you can do about it. And then support them getting the help that they need.

You'll be excited to hear. I'm excited to say that later on this week, it will be a midweek episode. I'm gonna have Dr. Zenobia Harris on who heads up the Arkansas Birthing Project. My state of Arkansas leads the nation in maternal mortality rates. And Dr. Harris is gonna talk to us about that as well as what's going on in the field so that we can prevent those deaths. So tune in again this week to hear more about that

Speak pipe message from dr margaret rutherford.com.

Listener Email

So now let's get to our weekly voicemail.

Hi, I'm looking for some advice on how to manage my borderline mom as a grandmother to my six and four year old children. I've been putting in boundaries with her since I became a mom about six years ago. So it's very new in our relationship and she hasn't taken it well. She's playing the victim and that since she's stopped drinking, which she abused alcohol for nearly 20 years of my life, she thinks all the issues are resolved and that I'm being selfish for not forgiving her and that I'm being making things very hard and treating her badly by having boundaries. I'm getting to the point of thinking there's no way forward. But apart from struggling with being labeled as difficult and a problem and not compassionate and attacked by family members for treating her this way, I'm very mindful of protecting my children from this dynamic in my family. But it feels like going no contact and having to explain that to my children is me bringing that dynamic to my children rather than protecting them from it. So how do I navigate this while protecting my children from her, but also from the story of her? I really am lost and worried. So any advice would be so helpful.

You know, there aren't many more problematic family issues than when a family member, whether it's a parent, a child, a sibling, a grandparent, whatever, denies the impact of their behavior on other people. I've often talked with one of my very dear friends who happens to be a psychologist. Think of it like this. Imagine a a fairly small party or gathering where one person doesn't talk, doesn't say anything, doesn't say why they're not talking, just walks around or sits and stares. You can imagine what kind of impact that's likely to have on the others. Some people will try very hard to engage them, some will get mad, some people will ignore them or at least try to, but they have a lot of power, don't they? It's like someone refusing to own their impact on others. So you can have a family member like this mom, who is refusing to own the impact of her past behavior, and in fact wants credit for having changed, which is great that she's quit drinking, but she's still not taking responsibility for the impact of her past behavior and perhaps other characterological issues.

What they don't realize is that they've been hurtful and must earn back the trust of their family members because the family is not supposed to turn the page and pretend it didn't happen. No, that's not the way it works. And especially to call someone setting boundaries, abandonment when the trust hasn't been earned back, isn't fair or right. In fact, from what I know, from what this listener talks about, it seems that the mom just wants her daughter to ignore what has happened and trust her. And yet, I've heard many, many times in my office with people or mothers or fathers, whomever that have had abusive parents, they've said to me, "I can deal with them hurting me, but I'm not gonna let them hurt my child or my children." So that can seem pretty clear, right? The boundary's drawn, the mom gets mad, family doesn't understand, but it's still about," I'm not gonna let you hurt my children."

Yet this listener brings up another difficult point: Is not being involved with her mother going to confuse her children or even more greatly expose them to the pain in the family, especially if it sounds like other members of the family are moving on? Both her mom and some of her family are seeing this as cruel and they may make a big deal about it.

So this is my somewhat painful answer. Yes, it is a difficult issue and in fact, there's probably no total win in this situation, or at least what I've heard from this listener. Being estranged from a parent or a grandparent is going to need an explanation, at least an age appropriate one. But you can prepare yourself for that conversation.

I'd highly recommend that this listener read some Al-Anon literature or join an online or local group. Al-Anon is a group that was formed years ago.They help each other to see how their own behavior or choices could what's called enable the drinker. And remember, stopping drinking alone doesn't fix the problems created when someone was drinking. That's naive and even entitled. But the people who are involved in Al-Anon have a lot of wisdom to share. I've been told their motto is something like "detach with love." I've got the Al-Anon link in the show notes, and there are meetings all over the world in 133 countries. And of course you can join in online.

Perhaps they will give you their own versions of what they said to parents or family and how they explained it to their children. But you must remember as well that children learning that there is a natural consequence to their behavior and others, that's a really important thing for them to learn. I hope this has been helpful.

Thank you so much to those of you who are regular listeners, welcome to new listeners. I got a wonderful review from a listener in South Africa. She happens to be a therapist, so thank you for that. I read that. I appreciate it very much. People ask me all the time, how long have you been doing that podcast? And now in October it'll be seven years. It's just become a part of my life. And I appreciate all of you listening, reviewing, rating, commenting, and sending in your questions and voicemails. Thank you so much. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been SelfWork.

 

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I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings today of Becky Blades – she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she’s basically run from the board room to the home room, she’s an artist herself, and she’s an inspiring and highly creative author of two books;

Her first book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone, Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening, which she wrote and illustrated, was named a Best Books of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. It received the prestigious Kirkus Starred Review and was an Amazon best seller for six consecutive years.

Now she’s written another wonderfully illustrated book (her own drawings and illustrations) entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I wanted it to be a real fresh-er-up-er for those of you wilting in the heat of the summer or fending off one more winter storm – dependent on your hemisphere. And the Next Big Idea Club  has selected it as one of  “the most essential nonfiction books of the year."

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger and a licensed private pilot – and I’m delighted not only to have her on SelfWork...  but to call her a friend.

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

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My TEDx talk that today has earned 72,000 views!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford At SelfWork. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you, taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and I'm so excited about bringing you a friend of mine and someone that I truly, truly admire. Becky Blades. I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings of Becky today. Not only has she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she's basically run from the boardroom to the homeroom. She's an artist herself, and she's an inspiring and highly creative author of two books. Now, the first one was, do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone, subtitle being Advice Your Mom Would Give If She Thought You Were Listing. She not only wrote and illustrated that book, it was named a Best book of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. And it received the prestigious Kirkus starred Review and was an Amazon bestseller for six consecutive years.

Speaker 2:

That is a long time. Now, she's written another wonderfully illustrated book. Again, her own drawings and illustrations entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wanted it to be a real fresher upper for those of you who are wilting in this heat of the summer, or if you're in another hemisphere, fending off one more winter storm. Her point in this book is that we can get so afraid of failing, we don't start and starting is so important. In fact, she advocates being a startist. And this book also has high praise. It's been named a Must Read by the Next Big Idea Club, which by the way, the members of that club are Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Kane, and Daniel Pink, not bad company. And they call it one of the most essential non-fiction books of the year. It is truly inspiring.

Speaker 2:

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger, and a licensed private pilot. And I'm delighted not only to have her on SelfWork, but I'm lucky enough, like I said, to call her a friend.

Before we hear Becky's interview, let's hear from BetterHelp. So many people start or go back to therapy when their kids are starting school. And that's not too long from now. So everyone's starting something new. I'd recommend calling very early for a therapist in your locale, but with better help. You don't have to worry about that. They're ready to see you when you are ready to be seen.

Speaker 2:

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you. And you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help. And if you use the code or link Betterhelp.com/self work, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did. That. Link again is better help.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of surfaces.

Speaker 2:

And now I'm delighted, absolutely delighted to introduce you if you don't already know her. To Becky Blades. I was trying to remember when you and I met, was it at a midlife bloggers

Speaker 3:

Associated? It was at, it was at BlogHer that in San Jose.

Speaker 2:

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3:

And it was my first one. Do did you go to a lot of those? No,

Speaker 2:

I think I went to two. I went to the one there. I went to one in Chicago, I think, and then I went to that one I didn't go to anymore.

Speaker 3:

And who invited me were Mary

Speaker 2:

Mary Dell Harrington, and Mary

Speaker 3:

Darrell Harrington and Lisa Heffernan. And I had just put out that first book. And I, you know, gosh, I am, I'm, you know, everybody I met there was so nice. And I just have still loved maintaining those relationships.

Speaker 2:

Listen, I was so glad that I took the time to read all of your book because I just laughed and I smiled and I teared up a couple of times and you had me from the very beginning. Your artwork is just incredible. A line is a dot that wasn't, this is what you say, a line is a dot that wasn't afraid to get started. I mean, that's like,

Speaker 3:

I loved that. Yeah. And a dot can be a splatter. I mean, dots don't need to be neat, perfect little dots. They can be little cuddles.

Speaker 2:

I didn't remember that until it, then I refreshed my memory and I wrote it that you are also, you're an author, but you're an an artist and you're, you're, you really love combining those things. And can you, why don't you tell SelfWork listeners a little bit about you?

Speaker 3:

Okay. Yeah. I had a career in public relations, which came out of a degree in journalism. And so I've always liked writing. I didn't like being poor. So journalism wasn't, you know, the job that I wanted out out of school. I grew up poor. So I, I chose to find a way to make money in an, the agency business, the journalism public relations agency business. There were a lot of opportunities for creativity. So I started my own firm in when I was 30. Wow. And ran that for 13 years. And then when I, kind of parenting was at a, at a pitch that I wanted to be home and in, in my creative space at home more too, sold the business and started building what what we now call a portfolio lifestyle. So I had the business oh, I like

Speaker 2:

That name. I've never heard this

Speaker 3:

. Yeah. And, and, and then I had the, I had an art studio and I remember  - to kind of jump over to this book  - when I one time my soon after I sold the business, my daughters were talking, they came home from school and they wanted it an identity for me. 'Cause you know, kids talk what your mother do, you know, what does your mom do? So my youngest said, "Mom, what are you, are you an artist? Are you a business person?" And I said, "Honey, why do those labels matter?" And her sister from the other room said, "She's a startist" . 'cause I was starting some other businesses and you know, they got confused by how I dress different days. So, so during that time, I, I went through my first and second midlife crisis. First that empty nest crisis that, you know, and have been such a great expert on my first book was do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone.

Speaker 3:

And that was the subject line of the email I sent my daughter of all these journal entries with advice that I was kind of afraid to give her in person. So after she left for college, I sent it all to her. And, and then, you know, after that, I'm, I, I don't mind saying I'm 64 now. And those, these past 10 years of being kind of all, you know, almost the entire time empty, nested has given me the chance to really see how what I love and what I, who I love spending time with. And I've realized it's, it's people like you who when they think they wanna do a podcast, they'll just haul off and start it, or people have ideas and act on them. So

Speaker 2:

No, and the, the name of this book is Start More Than You Can Finish. And, and I so agreed with it. I, one of the things that I say to patients all the time is, it doesn't matter where you go, it's that you go Exactly. Just go, just make a choice. Just go. And I, I was just humming along with your book Thinking , I agree. .

Speaker 3:

And it's been fun to think about the mental health aspects, of course, you know, to, to make the case for something that seems as contrarian as this notion of start more than you can finish, you know, kind of in defiance of what our parents may have said. But the mental health aspects of creativity, we're learning more and more as you know about how creativity makes us flourish and thrive and, and the and then we have other things we can talk about, anxiety, depression as I studied the neuroscience of it, I, I decided, you know, I discovered hidden benefits that I didn't know I had been partaking in.

Speaker 2:

Wow. What are those?

Speaker 3:

Well, starting with self-discovery, self-esteem, getting out of anxiety and depression. I'll, I'll tell you a story that I haven't, it didn't make it in the book and I haven't told many people because it seems like kind of a downer, and we wanted the book to be upbeat. But part of my catalyst for writing the book was I was taking art lessons to domestic violence shelters. I did this for a few years. I, I didn't call it art therapy. Now they did because mm-hmm. All art is therapy, but I'm not a, I'm not a licensed therapist. Mm-Hmm. or an art therapist. But what I discovered in my time with those amazing women is that the thing that, that spectrum of creativity, I used to think it was started with, oh, oh, I'm not creative, and ended with, oh, I can start anything on a dime.

Speaker 3:

Well, the spectrum really starts way over in a place where we feel totally powerless. Totally. devoid of even knowing what we like. Right. What gives us joy, what our idea of beauty is, and our inability to make a decision. So this book is about starting, it's taking that first step, like you said, it's not where you go, it's that you go. And the example is, in the very first class, these women, all of them could not even make that first initial decision. I, I would kind of lay out a little project, very simple. I had all these enticing art supplies, but they literally needed my permission to choose a color. Like, what should I start with purple? Yes. Purple would be a great place to start. They had lost, I mean, they had literally had mm-hmm. the creativity beaten out of them because creativity is, it's trusting our own ideas and owning them, and then also having the, the courage to experiment and say, okay, you know, what? If purple doesn't work well, when we're terrified, when we're traumatized, when we're stuck, I don't think we have the courage to know that the stakes aren't that high. You know, if I choose color, if I choose purple and I don't like it, I can paint over it. Sure, of course. Or as I said, I'll give you another piece of paper .

Speaker 2:

That's a great point. It's that shutting down of, of risk of any, even, even how what, even no matter how tiny the risk, or seemingly tiny, it's not seemingly, it's not tiny to them. It's like, oh, right. I'm gonna make a choice and it's gonna be out here for other people to see. And yeah, it's right. But, you know, I, and you may

Speaker 3:

Not know, you know, I think when we're beaten down, we don't know what the risks are. There's this free floating sense of, I'm taking a chance, I'm doing something I haven't didn't do yesterday. So what might happen, because, you know, life doesn't treat us rationally. And for those women who had been, you know, abused, they, they had been abused for much less things than making a wrong color decision. Right. So the healing so to, you know, get back to your first big question was the, the ancillary benefits of acting on our ideas and following that creative process are things we don't even know we need, I think. And, and yet I could really see it dramatically with those, those women who, and this was another really fun thing, is that they came out of that so fast, so joyfully really, that just a few weeks, you know, just, you just give that affirmation that Yeah, purple would be great, and that looks great, and you know what, this other color might work too. And then they start with the self, with their own self-talk. And I mean, they just, those, those stays and those shelters aren't that long. So I only got to see 'em for a short period of time, but it was, it was fast and miraculous.

Speaker 2:

That's incredible. You know, I got my start in this business by volunteering at a domestic shelter. Oh.

Speaker 3:

So you get it.

Speaker 2:

Love so much so, so, so much. Anyway. Mm-hmm. , you know, I, I'm gonna quote you again. It's not that finishing isn't vital and great, but not finishing is not failure. And I, I love that because you know, how many times have I heard the phrase, well, that didn't work out like, that says something bad about me. I mean, you asked in the book to, to make a list of, you know, the things we've started and didn't finish. And to make, I mean, my first two marriages came to mind immediately,

Speaker 3:

,

Speaker 2:

I finished them, but

Speaker 2:

Not in, not in the way that I thought I was going to. And, and I mean, I carried those around with such shame for so long mm-hmm. that that wasn't okay. And and it's not ideal, perhaps, but it, you know, I learned something along the way. And then, but I, I love the fact that in the book, you also take time to say, all right, stop reading or, you know, whatever. And, and let's apply this. Let's, what can you do? Mm-Hmm. , what can you do with, with your, and you have four stages, you imagine, think, decide, and act. Which, you know, I, I think when people, a lot of people hear the word well, just imagine, just imagine mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , that feels like real shaky ground to just imagine. Mm.

Speaker 3:

Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm. mm-hmm. . And if we imagine and some people are really good at that part mm-hmm. , but some people, that is the toughest part because they imagine very small. They only imagine with the reality that they can touch and hold Right. Then. some people are great imagining and they imagine backwards, you know, they only pull from what they've already been able to do. So what, what I do with those four steps was research and find out how to do them better to, to start better and start more. So imagining it really comes down to imagining more and bigger the, the more we noodle and think about how things might be a future reality, which we're all gonna have, you know, we're gonna have a future anyway. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Speaker 3:

. So why not imagine it in all the, and it's all, its glorious colors and possibilities.

Speaker 2:

You know, I'm, I'm thinking about your work on Dreams with Start. I love that book. That, that's a great word. You, you, you should thank your daughter , because it says to write down your dreams, but then you very quickly said, but I don't have enough something. I don't have enough. Mm-Hmm. time. I don't have enough money, I don't have enough talent. I don't how whatever it is that you convince yourself to, to stop dreaming.

Speaker 3:

Exactly. It's, it's the, the answer to the question. The answer to the question. Why haven't you started that thing? And I asked actual people, art students of mine create very creative people after they told me something they wanted to do, I asked them why they hadn't started. And the answer was always, I don't have enough blank. They, they would word the answer many different ways. Sure. It could be confidence, like, I don't think I can do it. You don't have enough confidence. Right. enough permission, enough validation, you know, space and permission could be just from your family to think that you could take the time away for yourself. Mm-Hmm. to do that. I call that enough permission. You know, and, and obviously money and time are the big ones. Sure.

Speaker 3:

But we do have enough to start those things. That was the big learning. I think the big aha in the research was if you've started anything, like you probably didn't know that you'd be doing a podcast for this long pss I can, I've decided I can never do a podcast. I . So respect the ability to all the skills that come into this. But when you started your first one a start only thinks, thinks mostly about how I will start it, how I will do the first step. Yeah. And that is the healthy way. If you think your finish, if your finish was to get it produced and get it picked up by a big syndicate, you would not think you had enough of whatever to do that. And

Speaker 2:

I was determined to do at least eight podcasts because I was told in my class that that was the average number of podcasts that people do before they finish before they start

Speaker 3:

Really? Eight. Eight. Wow.

Speaker 2:

Eight. And so when I got to nine, I thought, oh, why ?

Speaker 3:

See, there you go. And what if you hadn't known those numbers? That's fascinating. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I I just, the support you give in the book and the humor and the asking people to look at themselves, I you know, you, you sort of break down these four parts, the imagine, think, decide, and act, and you you said, thinking brings ideas to life, not overthinking. What do you mean by that?

Speaker 3:

Not overthinking? Well, you may be familiar with, you know, all the research that mm-hmm. says that when we, that we are programmed, how would you state it? That we are, we are engineered for security as, as species, we're engineered for survival. So there's an, a natural avoidance to risk, which is healthy. Mm-Hmm. . So if we let ourselves to think, think too long, so we go to that imagining place and we're very successful and imagine something wonderful, then the next step is we think about it. We think about how that future state looks into reality. How would we do it? Where would we start? How long will it take? Who do I need to, you know, kinda warn about this? Sure. In that it is that process where we talk ourselves out of it, and we really do a number on ourselves be, and the more perfectionist a person is, the better or worse they, they do that part. So I, you know, I say imagine more, think less. Because the truth is that even if you plan, if you're thinking involves this elaborate detailed plan, the minute you start something, that plan changes. I,

Speaker 2:

I wrote that reality,

Speaker 3:

Circled it. Reality is a big old truth pill. And we cannot, we cannot predict it.

Speaker 2:

Mm-Hmm. No, we cannot. So like I have that in red, circled in red plans change as soon as you start. And you also talked, there was a section that I, I maybe 'cause of my theater experience, but you talked about how they're tenets of improv improvisation that are really important for start. Mm-Hmm. and I, I've done a little bit of improvisation, and it is, it's not easy . 'cause One of these things that you brought up, you, you know, you have to just say yes and yes. And it's a rule of agreement. And then you Oh, don't tell. There are no mistakes. And you stay in the moment, like you said it, it's like somebody can just start, an audience member will say, okay, we're gonna talk about diaries and cowboys.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Somebody has to start something about a diary and a cowboy. And it may not make any sense. It is like, you have no idea where they're going, but you, you, you say something and you bring along. And then, oh, and then there was a, there was another cowboy, but he had a black horse, but he wanted a white. I mean, it's just, it's, it's, yeah. Then the story evolves. And so it's, I I loved that. Maybe, I don't know, is it an analogy, a metaphor that this

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Creation is like improv.

Speaker 3:

And you know, the best quote I heard in my interviews with those people is it's about what we do, but mostly it's about what we do with what we did. So that first step, again, the stakes are reduced. You just gotta do something. It's throwing the mud on the wall. It's on an improv stage. There are like five actors, somebody has to say the first thing mm-hmm. , that takes courage. But really the hardest job is the person that says the second thing. Sure. . Or maybe it's easiest because then you have something to respond to. So we need to give ourselves something to respond to, to really flesh out our ideas. And I mean, I also learned that all kind of comedy really works like that because, you know, finding out what makes other people laugh is an exploration. You think, oh, this might make me laugh, but you don't know. 'cause You're hearing it on your, in your own head. So Exactly. My husband's taken to doing open mic nights. And

Speaker 2:

That's brave. That,

Speaker 3:

That is brave. It's also brave to be in the audience of those because it's, it's usually young men who who have, have lost their mothers laughing at them. So they're, you know, they don't know what's funny, but they're willing to, at, at late night climb on a stage and tell jokes and for taste. But what happens is that's how, that's how comedy's worked out. And even the, even the best joke writers, you know, go on stage over and over again before they will go lifetime Yeah. And tweak this and try that and shorten this. And, and that's, you know, that is the creative process. It's iterative, it's exploratory, it's curiosity. And I mean, I think mental health wise, I too believe when you, when you, when I am mentally healthy, I am my most curious Exactly. When we're shut down, we're, we're not curious.

Speaker 2:

But it's also an external energy. It's, it's going energy from internal traveling externally. When you're curious because you are either, whether it's how you make a good glass of iced tea. I'm sitting here looking at my i d or whether it's gosh, I, you know, I'm interested in what those green books are behind her. You know, it's, it's, you are, you're engaging with something. Maybe it's an idea or a person or a thing that's not, but you are, you, your focus is outward.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. I never thought of that, that way. That's, that makes sense. Which is a

Speaker 2:

Antidote to depression for sure. Hmm. And in many ways, anxiety, because you have to be in the moment. You have to be, whereas anxiety puts you into the future. Hmm. So what, tell me what you learned about yourself in, in writing this book.

Speaker 3:

Oh gosh. I learned that the very beginning of the research was learning that all of my unfinished business, and I'm doing air quotes visually here was were treasures. And that when I, you know, we rarely let ourselves dig back into the things that didn't go forward. You know, even things I didn't consider failures or unfinished, I just forgot about them. Mm-Hmm. . I just saw the link to how they made me who I am. And the big finishes in my life, the big finishes always had some roots and some unfinished business from, I found my college art supplies. As when you're, when you write and make art, you have all these records back there. Now, you may not have, in other types of curiosity, in other types of creativity like gardening or cooking, you may forget those things you tried. And so I think what I learned is I need to memorialize and celebrate my starts more.

Speaker 3:

And I do now. The, the rationale for this book was to to help other people that don't act on their ideas and make those people more fun companions, in a way. . And I had, and one of the things I found is after I sold my business, people were saying to me like, what are you, what have you, what are you doing now? What have you finished lately? They didn't use those words, but I could hear that people thought I had a lot of plates spinning. I do have a lot of plates spinning. That's something I'm good at. I'm good at starting things and, you know, maybe I could be the world expert because I have all the failures, and now they're documented. I do probably have a d d there are maybe not the, I

Speaker 2:

Was just about to ask you about that. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

. Yeah. but I no longer, I do not let people shame me about things that I started that are in a pause button. Mm-Hmm. , you know, because when we, like, the, the big lovely lesson or gift I hope this book gives people is that there is every benefit and very low price to, to trying something and setting it aside for another day for trying it and finding out, Hey, I don't really like that. I have a couple of big things I could have totally not what

Speaker 2:

I thought it would be, or would've

Speaker 3:

, or I scratch that itch and I'm good. And oh, what a, just a, it's just a glorious way to live. And that's how I wanna live the rest of my life. And I wanna do it with people who feel the same way and are not, and, and, you know, that feed off of me and I feed off of them. So after my first book, you, you may have experienced this too. People will come to you who have the same kind of dreams. Maybe they wanna start a practice, start a podcast, start a book, and they'll say, you know, I have, "I saw your book. I, I, you know, I think I could write a book like that." And so I would say, "Oh gosh, you should1"  You know, advice is personal. Everybody could write an advice book and about one in 10, and, and this bears out in other research, about one in 10 people will actually act on an idea that's even fully formulated.

Speaker 3:

And, and I would try to help them. And, and you could just see that they ditch the others that were not gonna act on it. They had taken it as far as they wanted to go, and there was not a whole lot you could do for them. So that's what I wanna change. They had, they had, you know, is that mindset that says I can't start it unless I have made room in my life mm-hmm. to be an author. I can't start a book unless I've made room in my life to add a writing practice, find a publisher, whatever they think writing a book is. Yeah. And, you know, so

Speaker 2:

And it's funny, I, I had lunch with someone that was interested in the TEDx process and was asking me about it. And she's starting to write a book and, and, or she wants to. And she was asking me all about that. And this is a very I, I feel like I'm having the same conversation twice this morning or this afternoon, Uhhuh because she is kind of at that place of, well, I don't know how I'm gonna make room for it. I wanna do it. And I have had this idea for a long time, but, and I looked at her and I said, "you know, start this afternoon."  You know, make, did you

Speaker 3:

Good for you. I

Speaker 2:

Said, if you've got 10 minutes, just take 10 minutes.

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

Just start jotting down some ideas and you don't have to what's the word I'm looking for? You know, you, you don't have to corral the time or say, okay, I'm gonna have gonna do this in on it. It's like, if you just put some consistent energy into it, it, it's gonna grow. It's just a, it's just exactly watering the idea every now and then so that it, it has, it can sustain you with time away from it. But you also, when you get back to it, you go, oh, oh, I hadn't thought about that. And

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

It, it's, it's, it's kind of refreshing. It's, it's like having a, starting a conversation and realizing the more you have it, the more you really value it. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. And that's adding something. So

Speaker 3:

It's like such sort the Nik effect which I wrote about a little.

Speaker 2:

Yes. I had never heard of that.

Speaker 3:

I mean, it's just that, it's just what you said. Once you make it real, once you tell your brain, we're gonna do this, or I have a problem if, if we accept it and don't say like, those nine out of 10 people said, I'm probably not gonna do this. If you're one of the ones that said, "Okay, I'm writing a book" -  whatever you declare as starting maybe that's writing your first two sentences, our brain tells us, our brain gets the message that they're on the job. Yeah. And subconsciously we are homing devices to pieces of information, to problem solving help, to meeting people. You know, you meet somebody and you think, oh, like, did they just say something about a book? Are they an author? You know, we are, we're, we wonder, we think there's new information coming out, we're just zeroed into it. Sure. And that we, you know, that happens all the time in our lives. And that effect it's also responsible for the thing that happens after we're done with something. Like we're done studying for tests. We take the test, it's over, and all that information just dumps out more . Yes.

Speaker 2:

It just goes away.

Speaker 3:

Well consider the opposite of that true for something that we've started and we haven't finished. So if you, if you take that fall smallest first step, declare it started, the world gives us a bling bag full of gifts. And that's, that's really why I say that the more we start the better and the, even if we start things that are very short term and finish 'em, start a limerick, start a, a soup , things that we, but declare that muscle in ourselves that says, you know, just like it was your instinct to say, start this afternoon. Very few people would say that, but it's that instinct that gets our ideas out and flowing. Mm-Hmm. ,

Speaker 2:

I, I just, I, I really felt very supported. And I, I think if, if you're interested in this and you, you wanna get Becky's book, it is, it is, it is an, it's not, it's not a hard read at all. What is, what is compelling about it to me is that it does go against so much of what many of us are taught that mm-hmm. You know, you don't wanna start something and not finish it because, you know, that means that you're wasting time or you're wasting energy. Mm-Hmm. shame yourself for that. And, and rather than saying, well, what did I learn when I started that I learned this. And so when I start the next thing, I may start it a little differently, or I may, I don't know. I mean, it just gives you information. One of the things that I, I have people say to me all the time when they're trying to make changes, they'll say, well, this isn't really a big deal, but I go, wait, wait, wait. Yes. It's, it's a big deal. .

Speaker 3:

Yeah. What you're just

Speaker 2:

About to say is a big deal. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And, and you know, a clarification on the finish start more than you can finish. What, and you, because you brought up di divorces in that example of something that wasn't finished or could have been called failure mm-hmm. , because what's the finish? What, what I'd like to say, it doesn't make a very pithy title, but start more than you can finish just exactly as you plan to everything has its finish. But great

Speaker 2:

Point. What

Speaker 3:

We don't start because we don't think we can finish as planned. If somebody said, "You're gonna have eight years with a person who you love for six of them, and you learn all these things for each other from each other" you know, maybe you can make that decision to not start because you didn't like that finish. But that's not how things work. And relationships are very creative undertaking. So in many ways, a relationship is a very good example. Yeah. a courageous creative start. So anyway, it's not, it's not don't finish. Finishing is always the end game. We wouldn't, you know, you don't start something you don't want to finish, but it, it's just a, it's just trying to trick that. Because I think when our parents said, "Don't start more than you can finish, don't bite off more than you could chew," they did not make us finish more. They only made us start less.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

They just didn't wanna mess left out .

Speaker 2:

Right, right. Wow. I wonder how you think this affects the newer, the younger generations. This don't start because they, you know, one of the things that I read a lot about, and then I have a 28 year old, so I'm somewhat in touch with what's hopefully in touch with what's in his world, is that they have not, there's been so much comparison with what other people have started around the world where I knew maybe somebody in Little Rock, you know, in Arkansas, and I was in Pine Bluff and oh, well, you know, I, I didn't know what somebody was doing in Bangkok or, or Toronto or California. I knew my little group of friends and that was it. And, and yet, so maybe some of this don't start anxiety is also about, well, what am I spo, you know, how do I compare what I'm starting to, what somebody else is starting or mm-hmm. , whatever

Speaker 3:

The biggest learning I had about that and this generation, and remember this was, this book was pretty much done when Covid hit. And the data then on business starts, particularly by young people, was on a 25 year decline. Really. And the research showed that that really came from how we're raising our kids. We no longer say, "Yes, Joey, you can have a lemonade stand. I don't have time to help you, but go for it". No, now we are, we are over parenting. We are trying to get kids in the, in the right schools. So my kids didn't do a lemonade stand after they were four because they were on club soccer teams because, or the debate team, because maybe they could get a scholarship. It was we have very structured instead of free range childhoods. Right. So how do you, you know, it just, it's a subliminal message that there's not time for your ideas. 'cause You have to follow society's schedule. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 2:

mm-hmm. .

Speaker 3:

That's my hunch. And I think it's tragic. So, but then now there have to, and, and then Covid necessitated this boom in business starts because a business start is also, you know, your son starting a freelance business because he has to in Covid. Now, you know, it, it remains to be seen whether those starts will be sustained or whether they were just out of necessity. But that is a good, that is a reason for this rally cry, is that our kids are gonna need to start whole careers for themselves. Mm-Hmm. , I mean, we know things aren't going back the way they were. So that statistic, energy and confidence needs to be nurtured. And they've, they've gotta reduce their risks of trying something, not liking it and then trying something else. It's

Speaker 2:

Pulling on your face. I mean, you know, it's just, oh, well this didn't work out quite as way, I thought. Yeah,

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly. And then again, start something else. , so mm-hmm. . Yeah. Well, I I love your book again. It's called Start More Than You Can Finish. I created Permission Slip to unleash your Best Ideas. The art is absolutely delightful in it. Oh, I'm so glad. I'm as to the enjoyment and pleasure of the book. You know, I told you that I couldn't, I I didn't want to interview you ne last week because I had not had a chance to actually read all of it. And I was so glad that I took the time. I'm too, I just had this real excitement about it. And I, and I hope self work listeners will check it out and and see what it holds for you. And Becky, I couldn't thank you more for being on self work. Thank you so very much.

Speaker 3:

It was so fun to reconnect. Thank you, Dr. Margaret.

Speaker 2:

You betcha.

Speaker 2:

I know you enjoyed that interview. Isn't Becky absolutely fantastic?. I wanna remind you that we now have episode transcripts at the end of every episode of Self Work. I don't know why I haven't done that in the past. It's really been far easier to do do it than I imagined. And so I apologize in many ways to those of you who may struggle with hearing like I do because I have tinnitus. And if I can find a way to add in other episode transcripts, I will. But at least for now, each episode of Self-Work has its own episode transcript. I also wanna remind those of you who maybe haven't subscribed to my website@drmargaretrutherford.com, you can get a free ebook called The Seven Commandments of Good Therapy. But most importantly, you get one weekly newsletter from me, just one, and it offers to you both my weekly blog posts, which some of you may be interested in reading.

Speaker 2:

I write one still every week, or sometimes we revamp an old one to bring it up to speed and make it applicable to today. And then of course, this podcast and any other news or information that I think you might be interested in, love to have you join, you can subscribe at the website. So now the subscription or the subscribe now is basically embedded when you scroll through the website. It's much easier than it was and I hope far less irritating. But I'd love to have you as a member of my newsletter, thank you to those of you who've listened to my TEDx talk as I record this. We are right at 63,000 views and wow, that's incredible. So keep 'em coming if you can. If you haven't watched I'd so appreciate you going to YouTube, Dr. Margaret Rutherford and TEDx, and you'll get the talk. Or you can go to my Instagram page and you'll see it in the links. That's instagram.com/dr. Margaret Rutherford. Thanks so much for being here. Again, my immense gratitude to you, and I hope this in every episode is helpful to you. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been self work.

 

 

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Today we’re going to focus on high-functioning depression. What is it? What’s it not? Is it dangerous or is it not? And what does that mean anyway, ‘’high-functioning” depression"? It’s still depression, isn’t it? It’s the newer term for what’s “properly” called Persistent Depressive Disorder, which used to be called before that, Dysthymia. Maybe it’s a little sexier to call it ‘high-functioning depression” or “smiling depression.” But here’s my thought: if more people react to one label better than they do others, more power to that label. I don’t particularly care what we call it – and if more people can say, “Oh yeah, that’s me,” and recognize its validity or presence, then I’m all for it.

Let’s make sure we all understand that I can’t think of any mental illness or disorder that’s not on a spectrum.

You have depression. How you cope with it is based on myriad of factors. And there are millions of people who are coping every day around the world. I hope you'll benefit from listening and sharing this episode about moderate depression, or high-functioning depression.

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Vital Links: 

What Cleveland Clinic says about PDD or Persistent Depressive Disorder

My TEDx talk that today has earned 60,000 views!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript: 

(00:10):

This is SelfWork and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork,we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

(00:29):

Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm a clinical psychologist, and I started SelfWork almost seven years ago in order to extend the walls of my practice to those of you who might already be interested in psychotherapy or you're in therapy, to some of you who may have just been diagnosed with something or you're having a problem you can't figure out and are looking for answers. But also to a third group of you who are very skeptical about mental health treatment, mental illness in general, or you just think psychologists and therapists are a little wacky . Well, anyway, so here we are today. I wanna give a trigger alert to this episode because we are gonna be mentioning suicide. So just to trigger alert, to keep you safe. Today, we're going to be focusing on high functioning depression. Now what is that and what is it not?

(01:18):

Is it dangerous or is it not? And what does that mean anyway? High functioning depression. It's still depression, isn't it? It's actually the newer term for what's properly called persistent depressive disorder, which used to be called before that dysthymia. Maybe it's a little sexier to call it high functioning depression, or I've also heard it called smiling depression. But here's my thought, if more people understand or respond to some label or another better than they do others, then more power to that label. I don't particularly care what we call it, but if more people say, yeah, yeah, that's me, and recognize its validity or presence, then I'm all for it. I want you to understand, however, that I can't think of any mental illness or disorder that's not on a spectrum. Everything from schizophrenia to bipolar disorder to phobias to anxieties. But the major reason I wanted to point out the distinctions between good old classic depression and high functioning depression is that it can be too easy to believe one is better than the other, or that somehow people who aren't high functioning have some kind of innate weakness.

(02:23):

than they're more high functioning counterparts. I don't believe that at all. At all. You have depression. How you cope with it is based on a myriad of factors, and there are millions of people who are coping every day around the world. We'll get more into that in the body of the episode. We don't have a voicemail for today, , as I got into writing this so much that I ran out of time, but we'll feature that voicemail next week. It's from a mom of two small children whose own mother she describes as borderline and is having huge problems in the past with alcohol. She's in a tough spot with her mom. She's trying to figure out how she can best, best keep her children safe. So I'll do my best to answer. But again, that's next week. Before we get started, let's hear from one of our wonderful sponsors whose support really allows me to offer y'all self work. Let's hear from AG1.

(03:18):

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(04:40):

It is always a bit embarrassing when you find out that what you've been saying about something isn't quite accurate, especially when you're supposed to be an expert. And that for me is with depression, or at least I've written a book about it. As I was researching for my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, I read several articles on what was termed "smiling" or "high functioning" depression. I never saw real symptom lists. What I read or what I thought I understood was that people who identified with high functioning depression knew they were depressed. They could see themselves in some, or a lot of the diagnostic markers of depression, foggy thinking, indecisiveness, fatigue, sleep or appetite issues, not enjoying the things they used to enjoy and an overall sense of being down a lot or most of the time. But these symptoms weren't so severe that they weren't able to slap a smile on their face, take their meds, go to therapy - or both - get in a couple of good walks, get the kids to school and get to work.

(05:37):

So I made the simple assumption that high functioning depression wasn't as debilitating as someone with more severe symptoms or classic depression. So I was right, but I also didn't understand the entire picture.

This week, I was interviewed for an article for Wonder Mind about high functioning depression, and the author asked what the symptoms were. I somewhat confusedly said, "wWell, it's not a diagnosis, so it doesn't have symptoms. It's more a way of people talking like they know they have depression, but they developed really good coping skills, or they know what their triggers are and avoid them," or some such language, and she seemed a little confused. So what did I do? The next morning? I looked more into the term high functioning depression. What I had not realized, even when I was writing the book, was that the term high functioning depression was the newer term for what used to be called the more moderate depressive state of dysthymia, and now it's termed persistent depressive Disorder or PDD for short.

(06:39):

The Cleveland Clinic says about PDD, it's mild or moderate depression. That doesn't go away. A person with PDD has a sad, dark or low mood or two or more symptoms of depression. The symptoms last most of the day on most days over a long period of time. So it's a change of nomenclature or what we call moderate depression. And as I said in the intro, I don't really care what we call it. If a term is more meaningful now in 2023 than dysthymia or PDD was, it's certainly far less jargonistic sounding. Let's go with it. . I emailed the author immediately and explained to her what I'd figured out felt a little silly, but we all have to sometimes say we make mistakes.

Let's also make this point. All mental illness exists on a spectrum. I said this in the intro, as I suppose medical illnesses do.

(07:33):

You can have really severe bronchitis or you can have a much milder throat infection. So all that's very simple. But depression has been and will always be on a spectrum.

So let's first go through the pros of high functioning depression. Not that having depression is in any way a "pro" or some kind of benefit. A darkness still exists for you. Your emotions are difficult. You have physical symptoms and trouble with your thinking, and those things have been that way for quite a while by diagnostic standards, in fact, at least two years. But compared with more severe depression, this kind of depression doesn't sabotage your life as much as a deeper depression can and often does.

So here are some of the pros of high functioning depression when we compare it to deeper, more severe depression. Obviously, most of the time you can work and get things done.

(08:23):

That's the easiest pro to see. You may hate going to work or dislike your job, but perhaps you figured out how to maximize what you most like and minimize what you don't. Maybe you have a hobby that you look forward to doing after work that brings you much more fulfillment and stands as a balance for what you don't enjoy so much. Maybe you love your kids and being around them or doing for them is very meaningful for you. So you're coping. There's much research out there, for example, on resilience in times of war. By no means for anyone are things right, and certainly depression does exist. You may long for what used to be, but you're going through a collective experience and that connection is what can sustain you. So resilience may be part of holding down a depression to a more moderate depression, but again, it's multifaceted.

(09:13):

One of my other observations is that when a less severe depression is occurring, your connection with others mostly remains intact. Physical symptoms may not be as likely and meaningful connections are still possible, and that's quite a feat. Really, it is. You may not see it that way. You may not give yourself credit for keeping on, keeping on, but it's huge. You can admit some days are harder than others, but you can talk about it hopefully, or if you can't talk about it, perhaps you journal or you exercise to get some of your anger or sadness out. I realize how much I'm saying the words "may" or "can" here. There's not one picture of the moderately depressed person. I'm sure your culture, your gender or gender identification, your race, your age, all of these human characteristics are going to come into play when someone describes the moderately depressed person or the high functioning depressed person.

(10:09):

It's the term. In fact, Chesley Kryst used about herself, at least her mother said she did after her suicidal, tragic death, who was Chesley Kryst? She was Miss U S A in 2019 and 2022 years due to the pandemic. She was the oldest Miss U S A at the ripe age of 28. She was shorter, more muscular, stunning, and brilliant. But I quote her when I'm teaching my class on perfectly hidden Depression to clinicians as she says that she only finds emptiness in achievements that her culture told her would bring fulfillment, and she jumped out of a New York City high-rise apartment building in January of 22. Obviously to her death. I don't think that Chesley Kryst had high functioning depression. I think her depression had worsened in a major depression, which then she didn't realize, or perhaps she would've identified with perfectly hidden depression. We'll talk about that difference as well as other pitfalls of high functioning depression after this word from Better help.

(11:18):

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you, and you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now, you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help, and if you use the code or link Better help.com/selfwork, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did. That link again is betterhelp.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of services.

(12:32):

Let's get back to talking about Chesley Kryst. I don't want to oversimplify what Ms. Kryst went through or get into some kind of label dispute about what we call it. She thought of it as high functioning depression. That's what she reportedly told her mother the day before she died. Perhaps even that's what she and her therapist talked about. But moderate depression or high functioning depression can morph into major depression, and if she indeed experienced perfectly hidden depression or her perfectionism and high achieving life was really camouflaging even deeper despair than she wanted to reveal, she may not have had a way to talk about the extent of her suicidal plans or impulses. What matters is that she very purposefully fell to her death and the world lost a woman. Her family lost a daughter or a sister, and she was no longer alive to figure out that she could get better.

(13:25):

In my TEDx talk, I warn against just this kind of silence or fearing what might happen if you reveal suicidal thoughts. I also know as a clinician for 30 years just how common suicidal thinking is. It's not weakness, it's not a sin. It's a human response to depression and abuse and whatever else has happened to you. I do wanna make the point here that no depression is easy. Not one kind of depression is better to have than another kind, but you can function better with what's called smiling, depression, high functioning depression, whatever. You just can live your life. You're still walking around having to cope with a sense of sadness and maybe even dread, but even high functioning depression has its pitfalls. So we're gonna talk about that and as always, what you can do about it. This is in no way a complete list, but it's what has come to me as I write this this afternoon, and I hope it's helpful.

(14:22):

First, loneliness can creep up on you. With high functioning depression, you can easily tire of keeping up appearances, but you can get trapped in doing so and begin to have thoughts of being caged in by the life you've created into the depression that never seems to get better or worse. It's just there. So let me say high functioning depression has a root cause, just like more severe depression. Let me repeat that. It has a root cause. So what could that be? The first cause could happen through learning. What I'm saying is that high functioning depression can become almost its own lifestyle. You absorb depressed thinking or behavior as a child. Basically, you learn it. Think about if your parents never praised you or rarely gave you the message of what they saw in you that was your power or talent or skill. You can grow up feeling less than maybe your parents also felt that they were less than, and so you learn that from them.

(15:22):

But it isn't reality or it doesn't have to be. The problem is you can absorb low self-esteem. You can be told you don't wanna try too hard or show that you really want to work hard for something because that's how you get hurt. That's when you look stupid. So you don't risk, you don't try. You don't even have a clue of what your potential is. You live your life very carefully or you avoid risk or you avoid the chance of others seeing whatever your real struggles are. Now, you might say, "Well, I was never abused as a child." That's good. In fact, that's great. But damage can also be done by growing up in a vacuum where you were taught or it was modeled for you, that you just get through life. You settle, and guess what? That's depressing. Life can seem just okay, not bad, not good, just okay, so maybe you do put that smile on your face every morning.

(16:17):

Maybe you clock in at work and remember it's your colleague's birthday and you wish them a good day. Maybe you love your daughter and she's excited about a soccer game she's going to play that day. You've tried to give her what you never had and good for you, but your own life seems pretty humdrum.

What I'm not saying is that there's something inherently bad about normal. I think it's sort of funny... normal has become a negative term. Why? I'm not sure - the only time I hear it used positively these days is when you get a test back and the results are normal or when your life has been chaotic and you're glad to get back to normal. But I've seen on social media for example, that normal is simply not okay, and that can be a part of high, high-functioning depression. My life seems normal, but I'm telling myself that's not good enough.

(17:05):

Really, that's a setup for selfs sabotage. But humdrum is not normal. Now, there are days that are pretty humdrum . We all have them, but if your life stays that way, that's the point of high-functioning depression that you don't get out of it. It's only when you stigmatize normal, when you see it as not bright enough or shiny enough or not good enough, that normal becomes a message to yourself that you have failed somehow.

So let's get back to the cause of high functioning depression. Maybe it's not learned. Maybe your high functioning depression is the product of something else, a relationship that went sour that you've never gotten over, some loss of a dream that you've never recovered from. Maybe you stopped going to school, dropped out. Maybe you've got a learning disability that's either never been diagnosed or you've not wanted to admit it.

(17:55):

Maybe you've grown up feeling that because of your race, you don't have a chance because you've been bullied and you've absorbed that message that you're less than, that you need to hide. You've got to look for what you believe about yourself or about life in general to determine what may be getting in your way of having a good life or what I like to say, a good enough life, which is not humdrum. It's just good enough, and that can help you overcome depression that you don't believe the messages you got from your neighborhood or your family or your culture. If not, your condition can devolve into feelings of self-loathing or self-doubt, the stuff of more severe depression. Now, I'm very aware as I'm talking that I'm a white financially secure woman. It may seem easy for me to say these things, but then I think of situations like the one I'm about to tell you the things I've learned from my own patients.

(18:49):

One day when I looked on my schedule, I saw something kind of interesting. One of the patients I was going to see that day was the mother of someone I'd actually seen years before. And that patient, the one I'd seen years before, had asked a special favor of me to see her mother. Let's call her mom Emma. That was not typically my practice to see someone's parents, but her mom had heard about me from her daughter and she knew I hadn't thrown her under the bus, but had recommended instead that her daughter work through the legitimate feeling she had, while also have whatever compassion she could for her mom. Emma had had a really, really rough life and hadn't been all that great of a mom. The daughter told me that she'd apologized a hundred times over, but she'd also told her daughter she wanted to share something with me she'd never shared before.

(19:36):

So I agreed to see her mom. Emma.

Also on my roster that day was a man who was one of the head honchos of the corporation where Emma worked. She worked on the chicken line, cutting up chicken parts. She'd never even finished elementary school. The other man I was about to see was a big wig in the chicken company. I smiled a little when I saw that and wondered what my day might bring.

Emma came in first. Sure enough, she got tears in her eyes when she talked about the damage she'd done to her daughter. Her feelings were very sincere. She thanked me for helping her daughter. But when I asked why she'd wanted to come in for herself, she said, "I've never told this to anyone, but I've never forgotten it and I know that I've been affected by it". And there was a pause.

(20:25):

"I was sexually abused by my brother for years and I've never told anyone", and she got tears in her eyes again. Of course, I asked, "How does it feel to tell me?" And she said, "Like a weight just dropped off my shoulders." She went on to describe other things in her life. For example, she was taking care of her ex-husband who now was almost completely unable to care for himself, and he had been horribly abusive to her. She asked for no sympathy. She simply wanted to tell someone about the abuse and felt tremendous relief as she said. I admired her candor and continued to work with her for a few more sessions. 'cause she needed to help setting some boundaries. She needed to remember that she had to care for herself. That wasn't through massages, but real self-care, some time to herself, some rest.

So that same day, as I said before, I saw the big wig as we'll call him , we'll call him Pete.

(21:23):

Pete had had all the education and opportunities that life could offer, and those were many. He was smart, but as I like to say, he was his biggest fan and it wasn't attractive. He came in with his wife and seemed to have the agenda that I tell her there was no reason for her to be depressed, that she had everything a woman might want. His wife looked at me and said, "I have everything except Pete's love." Pete scoffed at that and looked at me as if I'd agree with him. Some basic narcissism, of course, but what was so evident to me that Pete didn't have a clue about what real connection was or could be.

The differences between Emma and Pete were many. I could have said back then that maybe both of them in their own very unique way were experiencing chronic but moderate depression or high functioning depression.

(22:12):

But Emma had found a way to stay connected, to seek forgiveness, to care, to choose to be transparent and allow her pain to lessen. Whereas Pete had very little to no empathy for the chaos of his marriage, nor did he understand what true connection was. I knew at the time that underneath what looks like narcissism, what looks like bravado is sadness, insecurity, and depression.

Now, whether we wanna call it high functioning depression or what, I don't know. Pete only came in twice because he also didn't know how to risk true connection with me.

I actually worry more about the Petes of the world than I do the Emmas. Emma has developed coping skills. Pete, not so much, except in the area of achievement. It was Pete's life that was full of sadness. It was Pete that was caught. It was Pete whose life would stay chaotic until he could try to risk understanding what made him - him, what had happened to him.

High functioning depression, despite its name is still depression. That's a point that I hope I've made clearly. But I hope that this episode has helped you realize that you can figure out where those feelings and thoughts came from, and you can begin to change them. Because life is worth living very fully. And if SelfWork has helped you do that or make changes in your life that are important to you, please let me know.

(23:48):

Thanks always for listening. You can let me know that by leaving a rating or review of wherever you listen to self work, it always means so much. Ratings are simply a quick, yes, I like this , or a star rating. I guess it's a 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And of course, review is a little more detailed, but all of it means so much to me.

I just spoke last night to a small women's caucus. I wanna remind you that I'm available to speak to your organization. I don't care if it's 20 people or 200 people. I can speak virtually or I can come to you given the appropriate circumstances. I'd love to do that so we can all share the wisdom that we all have.

You can also join my Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/ selfwork. We're at about almost 3,600 people. Some people go and then some people come. It's a great group. We'd love to have you there. And as always, you can buy my book Perfectly Hidden Depression@amazon.com or wherever you buy your books, and it gives you 60 exercises that you can follow along and learn how to get in touch with your own emotions very safely and securely.

Again, thank you. I'm always grateful you're here. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

 

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I wasn’t feeling so hot yesterday so took a time-out day and watched "Shrinking", the Apple TV series that has a superb cast and follows the lives of three therapists and their friends and families. It’s full of expletives, especially the f bomb. Which is fine by me but there’s wasn’t one person in the cast who didn’t explore its complete usage… It’s also very moving. And I was relieved to see that except for some entertaining but weirdly unethical behavior, the therapists are painted as caring and trying hard to help. But also having HUGE struggles in their own lives.

I get it. There have been times when my struggles have been larger than others. And yet it’s still my job to be there for my clients – the way they’ve come to expect me being there.  Because I’m a shrink.

So, I thought today we could talk about what those expectations – at least the basic ones – the stuff that both behind the scenes and front and center can be the building blocks of trust and safety in therapy.  an episode on creating emotional safety in therapy. That’ll be in your show notes. Today, we’re focusing on basics.

The listener email today is from a listener in Bermuda who’s tried several therapists but not found one that has helped her – what she calls “manage’ her depression as its recurrent. And do I know any international treatment options? ‘I’ll do my best to answer her.

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Vital Links

An episode on creating emotional safety in therapy.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Episode Transcript

350 SelfWork: Being A Shrink and What You Can Expect from Yours

I wasn’t feeling so hot yesterday so too a time-out day and watched “Shrinking” the Apple TV series that has a superb cast and follow the lives of three therapists and their friends and families. It’s full of expletives, especially the f bomb. Which is fine by me but there’s wasn’t one person in the cast who didn’t explore its complete usage… It’s also very moving. And I was relieved to see that except for some entertaining but weirdly unethical behavior, the therapists are painted as caring and trying hard to help. But also having HUGE struggles in their own lives.

I get it. There have been times when my struggles have been larger than others. And yet it’s still my job to be there for my clients – the way they’ve come to expect me being there.  Because I’m a shrink.

So, I thought today we could talk about what those expectations – at least the basic ones – are. There are skads of different approaches and schools – that we’ll leave for another episode. But I’m talking basic stuff here – the stuff that both behind the scenes and front and center – can be the building blocks of trust and safety in therapy. I’d already published an episode on creating emotional safety in therapy. That’ll be in your show notes. Today, we’re focusing on basics.

The listener email today is from a listener in Bermuda who’s tried several therapists but not found one that has helped her – what she calls “manage’ her depression as its recurrent. And do I know any international treatment options? ‘I’ll do my best to answer her – have done several episodes on emotional regulation or managing emotions so I’d start by having her search for managing depression or managing emotions on my website at drmargaretrutherford.com to help locate things I’ve already mentioned could be helpful.

Before we go on, let’s hear from BetterHelp – rated the “best” online therapy service…

Yesterday I woke up in a bad mood.

I’m usually quite cheerful in the morning, a trait others might love or might need me to tone down a bit, depending on their own morning ritual.

But yesterday, several things cropped up. We'd eaten at a place that we hadn't been to in a long time for dinner the night before. And my stomach didn't particularly care for what it had been offered. And my gut is usually like iron, so I haven't built many skills for handling that discomfort.

And I was tired. I'd been going pretty strong for several weeks with no break - and like every other time I do that, the same thing happens. Overwork and overbusy brings bad mood - a little feeling of self-pity or entitlement that I can act less nicely to my spouse - just because I'm in a bad mood. That choice only makes my mood worse however, because I know what I'm doing - giving myself permission to be a jerk - when the little part of me that's watching what's going on is saying, "What in the hell are you doing and why did you talk to him like that?'

But I rode in sullen silence to our usual Saturday breakfast diner. (which might've been a relief for said spouse...). And when we got there, they'd put in new lighting that was flickering every few seconds, a glitch that needed fixing. As I was already feeling kinda yuck, then I felt like I might be thrown back into vertigo which I'd experienced for the first and hopefully last time a few months back. So, I was staring down at the table, trying to decide what I could eat, trying to be nice to the waitress, when my husband made me laugh, making fun of the plethora of physical complaints expressed by the two of us since rising.

Thank God for laughter.

It didn't help my stomach - but my bad mood lifted almost instantly.

Not that that happens every time. Sometimes, like everyone else, I can hold onto worry or feeling sorry for myself - whatever's constituting my "mood..." until... I get to the office. And I become your therapist. My mood needs to change - and it's my job to know how to do that. To get out of my head as much as possible - and tune into you. Not that where I am isn't going to affect that. But I need to try as much as possible to take my little bruised ego and put it on the shelf (fancy word here.. compartmentalized) until I have the time and space to look at what might be causing it. And that time is AFTER I've seen you.

Interestingly, what I've noticed is that when this happens, or when I'm actually sad about something in my life, I focus differently. Maybe better in some way, because I'm coming from a quieter place? That's at least what I've thought.

So when I also finished watching the first season of "Shrinking" yesterday, I had to stop and consider - once again - how others may see their therapists, what they expect on both an intangible but also a very tangible, pragmatic level.  The series is filled to the brim with f... this and f... that and there's a lot of sex being had, drugs being taken, and sarcasm being passed out. But all in all, at least the therapists are portrayed as really caring and wanting to help, although ethical boundaries are entertainingly (but not realistically) loose. Not since 1991’s "What About Bob" - which if you haven't seen it and you're in therapy, you definitely should see - has there been more dual or triple relationships between therapist and patient.

But back to how you see your therapist... I was always curious about mine. I was relieved when one very helpful but more soft-spoken therapist told me she'd thrown a plate at her husband when she got mad one time  - after the hundredth time of me shaming myself in her office for the way I'd acted when angry. It's not that my choices didn't need to change. But her joining me in living with regret was helpful.

Now, we’re going to turn to talking about these basic intangibles and tangibles in the therapeutic process. I do want to announce this – I took a lot of this from my very first SelfWork episode! The one I created “in class” – I was so very nervous… So I used the ebook I’d created for subscribers to my website as my “structure.” It was funny – when I pulled out that book today to see if I could use any of the material, I realized that most of it is still very good. And hits the basics. What I need to add to that today is so much more about online therapy and changes in HIPAA due to that. Also, the rise of life coaches – a career that’s been around quite a while but within the last five or more years, has exponentially grown. And even more techniques to choose from – which is wonderful but also confusing.

So let’s first talk about the intangibles.. there are seven of them.

Have a strong therapeutic alliance: feel that the two of you are working together well.

What does this mean? One my FB group members commented – when I told them I was writing this post and what might they want to add… said the “power differential” was difficult for her. Meaning that her life was the focus of the relationship as well as her vulnerability being exposed… and that was one of the most difficult things for her.

To me, this may mean the therapeutic alliance isn’t strong enough. She may want a more collaborative kind of therapy – one where there’s a little more ease – even though again, the work is hers to do. But you want to feel as if your therapist understands you – and is working toward helping you in the way you understand and want.

Know how you’re moving toward positive change; be able to say how you’re getting better in a tangible way.

This may be harder with some approaches than others – and honestly, probably reflects my own bias toward a more collaborative approach. So, I’m admitting my bias. I think it fits our lives today – and with both of you knowing what you’re aiming for, the changes that when they happen, you’ll both be able to know you’ve done “the work” – that’s vital to me. That doesn’t need to mean the change itself isn’t in the emotional or mental realm. But knowing you got there – and how you got there – is important.

Have a therapist that is attentive in session.

Believe it or not, I have heard stories of therapists going to sleep. Or forgetting major things that you’ve told them. This is a pragmatic thing but it has huge relational components. If you feel I am really listening to you, really seeing you, and helping you see yourself – then trust is built. I have a fairly new patient right now – a fairly young guy – who says he loves therapy because of this very thing. His family situation was tough in some ways – and being seen means the world to him.

Believe your therapist knows what they’re doing. And you know their basic treatment strategy.

What do I mean by this? Well, let’s say for the first four to six sessions, I tell you we’re going to start connecting your past with your present because, after hearing you tell your story in the first session, I think there would be some helpful connections to make – due to how you’re reacting to the present. Maybe things are making you so sad you can’t stand it. Or way too mad. Maybe if you understand how you’re getting triggered, then you can have more control over those emotions. And you agree to that.

But in the third session, I say, “I think we need to start couples work.” That’s never been mentioned – I just decide. You can see how that can be unsettling – now if I have a really good reason to change course, okay. Let’s talk about it. But out of the blue? Not helpful.

Expect reasonable business practices.

Okay… the fact is that what can make someone a good therapist may not be what helps them be a good business person. But if not, that’s not your responsibility. You need to understand the business aspect of your relationship and that needs to be solid and secure. We’ll talk more about that.

6 and 7. I realize six and seven are very integrated – they’re about the therapist gaining your trust with your information – not only written information, but you knowing and trusting that confidentiality is being highly respected. And that their business is operating in a way that their staff only has limited access to your information. And also vital – that personal physical and sexual boundaries are being respected as well. There is absolutely no reason why a therapist should engage in any kind of physical touching without your express consent or your request for it. Obviously if my patient suggested something sexual, then I’d need to establish a boundary there and that would become a therapeutic focus.

So those are the intangibles. What are the pragmatics? We’ll hear those right after this message from AG1.

So, here’s the quick and dirty list of what you can and should expect pragmatically from a therapist.

You should sign a well-written statement concerning your consent to treatment and a confidentiality agreement. That agreement should include information on what the therapist charges and what occurs if you miss an appointment without calling within an appropriate amount of time. HIPAA documents should be made available to you. Or a form that states you have seen the document. Online therapy has its own HIPAA requiremends and you can ask questions about how confidentiality is being kept when and if online therapy is occurring. You should know about how insurance or payment is being handled. Many therapists do not file insurance at all. Some do. You should know whether or not your insurance is through "managed care" or not. That means whether or not your therapist is free to make all clinical judgements or whether your treatment might be modified by your insurance company. This information is available through your insurance company. There is huge variety about the way therapists deal with financial matters. Some will reduce their fee. Some will not. You can ask questions about these topics as you are contacting mental health professionals as a potential therapist or certainly in an initial session. Also, bills should come regularly and as stated initially and costs should not change unless you’re notified well ahead of time. Confidentiality in the case of treatment of children, adolescents and in marital work should be outlined. The boundaries of that confidentiality should be understood by all. Your therapist should be very clear with you about whether or not they provide emergency or after hours coverage. You need to know that going into the relationship. You and your provider need to have a plan on what you should do in case of emergency. There are several different mental health degrees that allow people to practice as "therapists." The training is very different between them. Psychiatrists are medical doctors. They prescribe and sometimes offer therapy.  The rest are psychologists, social workers, licensed professional counselors, marriage and family therapists. Perhaps even other designations. When choosing to educate yourself about the training in the different professions so that you can choose well for your particular condition. Feel free to ask how much experience he or she has in working with patients with your particular issue. Ask what specific techniques they will use to help you get better! The profession of life coaching has greatly increased. But it should be made clear that a life coach is not a licensed mental health professional. It’s my understanding that there are certifications you can obtain by going through courses offered by life coaching platforms. But please realize the two professions are very different. That doesn’t mean better or less than. It means different. I’ve referred a few patients to qualified life coaches I know and it can be very helpful – as they help the patient deal more with pragmatic things. If you do not feel you are improving, look elsewhere! Ask a medical doctor for other referrals. Frequently, family physicians, pastors or gynecologists have a referral list of mental health professionals. Remember, the "fit" is extremely important!

Listener email

Hello and good afternoon ,Dr Rutherford,

Hope you are well.
I am a huge fan of your podcast and listen to it regularly on my walks! I have gained a lot from it,  but was also interested in one to one therapy! I am based in Bermuda, and understand from your website that you wouldn’t be able to help with potential clients outside of Arkansas; I just wanted to get in touch to ask if there is anyone globally that you would recommend that can provide therapy remotely? I have tried various therapists all over the world and none have seemed to work for me. I have suffered from recurring depression since a young age, but instead of accepting that and living with it, I would love to finally learn how to manage it.

I am very grateful for any guidance or recommendation you are able to share.

Kind regards,

My response:

Hello and thank you for being a listener. I wish I could help with the one-on-one part of what you’re seeking. Maybe a way I can help is to write a podcast episode about what “managing” depression actually means. I’d like to research that a bit myself because I can certainly think of clients of mine who do just that. But I’m sure you’re not the only person who doesn’t exactly know what that might look like. To me, it means asking yourself what’s happening or what are you doing or experiencing when you don’t feel depressed - and try to add those kinds of things more into your life. And then when you do feel more depressed, what do you do when you’re in it?

I hope that perhaps that might help. I’ll write myself a note so I don’t forget!

Basically, managing depression – especially recurrent depression – is managing triggers. Knowing what may cause a “flare-up” of emotions that can easily cycle into depression – and either avoiding those triggers if you can – or at the least, being aware of what they are. The most obvious example I can think of right now -.. let’s say a wife had an affair or several on business trips out of town. So they work really hard together and things are going well. Then the wife goes out of town without there being any safety or trust plan. Guess what? Something happens and al hell breaks loose. Trust is lost again – perhaps not due to any distrustful behavior, but because the couple hadn’t planned on how to stay in touch in order to AVOID a problem. I call that walking into a mine field, knowing it’s a mine field, but thinking you can do that unscathed. Being aware – even listing – what is likely to trigger me? Very helpful.

 

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When I was contacted by Paulina Siegel about being on her podcast, Shit Talking Shrinks, I was intrigued. She and her friend and colleague Victoria Aron are in Season Two of an hilarious, fresh challenge to the stereotype of the "therapist" - someone who's emotionally calm and somehow "above it all." So this is an expletive-filled SelfWork episode today - because guess what? Therapists can use colorful language as well!

Yes, we offer our expertise in creating an emotionally safe space for you to risk your own healing and growth. But the old "immutable" therapist - the one who rarely interjects their own personality - is an identity that both these therapists challenge. And they do it with laughter and fun, intelligence and caring.

I've long been "myself" as a therapist. I don't suddenly don some cloak as soon as a patient comes through the door. The unique nature of the therapeutic relationship lies in the focus on the issues of one person, the client. And yet, to gain trust, these women believe that being more real is the key to what trust looks like in 2023.

So come laugh with us and listen in to what was a very fun conversation! And get to know Paulina Siegel and Victoria Aron, as they tackle issues that especially millennials and Gen Z'ers face.

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Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and Self-Work is a podcast dedicated to you, taking just a few minutes today for your own self-work.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and I'm so glad you're here.

Let me read you an email I recently received. "I feel grateful to be able to write to you as I love the SelfWork podcast. It has brought me so much joy, vitality, support, and wellness over the months. Of course, that made me feel good. My name is Paulina or Pauly Siegel, and I'm a licensed clinical social worker, certified addiction specialist. And I'm master level trained mindfulness practitioner. I specialize in Gen Z and millennials struggling with trauma, O C D, anxiety and generational specific issues. I've also started a podcast called Shit Talking Shrinks, which intertwines clinical expertise and humor to bring you something that is both psychoeducational and entertaining. Our podcast breaks down mental health topics, the human experience and society at large, while leaving you with tangible tools to navigate life more effectively."

So, of course I listen to the podcast, and by the way, this one is going to be pretty baudy with lots of language. So, you know, use your own judgment in listening. But their podcast is entertaining and hilarious and real and informative and supportive. Polly has a no holds barred co-host, Victoria Arin, who's in practice herself. And between the two of them, there's an energy that was so refreshing and funny. In fact, I've never laughed more in an interview, and I hope you will as well.

As I said, there's a bunch of expletives in this one and we talk about sex. So a heads up there. These two therapists are angry at how the mental health profession teaches therapists that they need to somehow look above it all, or as if they're not human too. And we are most definitely human. We get teed off, we get constipated. We cuss... What we do have (that you've heard me talk about many times on SelfWork), we have experience in listening and sharing a different kind of relationship with you than you're going to get with a friend. We have expertise in certain issues and struggles, and we're going to offer that to you But because it's often deeply personal, we enter a relationship with you that hopefully feels safe and secure while we're also folks just like you. So this is gonna be a journey.

But before we continue, let's hear from Better Help.

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And now a different kind of SelfWork. For those of you who can handle the language and wanna have a great deal of fun, come join me and Polly and Victoria.

I'm really glad to meet y'all. I I've listened to a couple of your episodes and they're really good and I I was delighted. Yes. And so anyway I love what you're doing and Okay. Can you just tell me a little bit about yourselves First, I'd love to just find out who you are, where you are, where you came from, ,

Paulie, take the lead.

Okay. well, hello everyone. I'm Paulina Siegel. I have a private practice in both Illinois and Colorado. Oh, that's, that specializes...

That's a lot

.

It is a lot. It is a lot. But it's been fun and it's been going for five years now, so I'm really grateful for the journey. But I specialize in Gen Z and millennials.

How do you know Victoria?

Yes. So Victoria and I met in Illinois. I moved to Illinois in August of 2021. Mm-Hmm. and I met Victoria through a mutual colleague. And this colleague ended up calling me and was like, "You have to meet Victoria. She is the coolest, she's cooler than you." And that's hard to say.

That's great. And Victoria, where are you? And, and you're in Illinois obviously, so

Yeah, so I'm in the suburbs of Chicago. And I have a private practice as well. Okay. I do, I do concierge, sober coaching and case management. Wonderful. So, yeah, so I'm trained as a social worker. I have certifications and process and substance use disorders. And I kind of, I'm actually coming up on the two year anniversary of my practice. And when I met Paulina, I had no real desire to be part of a podcast. Didn't really think about it. I just knew that I wanted to perform. I lo I've always loved it. I love being center of attention. I love telling stories. . So this is like the best

Of both? Both. That's not me at all. Not me at all. No, no, no. . That's how I have a whole room outfit. Right. Studio .

Yeah. My whole career is built off myself, but I don't wanna be the center. So...

now Pauly, you were trying to tell us what you, what you focus on or what you specialize in. Yeah,

Yeah. No worries. Gen Z and millennials, so anyone 15 to 43. I do a lot of trauma o c d, anxiety work. I was very involved in the addiction world for a while and sort of phased out cuz I got a little bit burnt out. And that's why we have the Victoria's of the world because she, she has all the grit and resiliency that's needed to do the work. But I've really liked focusing on more of the strictly the mental health side of things.

But yeah, I I really I'm so pleased to talk with y'all and and just talk about millennials, gen Zs. I am always honored when someone, you know, in, in that, in those generations. I don't do Gen Zs, some millennials I do still. So I have a 28 year old son, so I'm at least somewhat in touch with that stuff. . Yeah. So what has the podcast? The podcast is called Shit Talking Shrinks. Mm-Hmm. . And you've been doing it for two seasons now, is that right?

Mm-Hmm. , we launched in January.

Oh. Oh. So mm-hmm. , this is your second season that...

You're this is our second season currently.

What's it been like?

Incredible, incredible. I mean, not only has has like, just spending more time with Paulina and talking and talking about things we care about been amazing, but the way that people have responded to us in such a short period of time has been actually just like shocking.

Yeah.

You know, I did not know that it would be what it is and I have no idea where it's gonna go. And that's so amazing. And Paulina is just the most incredible partner. She's like the steam engine of it all.

Oh, yeah. It's nice to hear. You know, when I was trained, I went to the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School and it was shifting from a psychoanalytic viewpoint, which I wasn't wild about to a C B T, you know, and. But we were still these anonymous therapists, you know, we were supposed to not have personalities and lives and, you know, just be this immutable source. But I got really bored when I started actually practicing anyway. I... what I found was that the more real I got both as a therapist, not that I pounded people with my own story. But, and then, when I got on social media, the fact I have panic disorder and the fact that I have a history of anorexia and I've been divorced twice mm-hmm. , all that stuff was just, you know, I, people loved it. I was scared they'd turn it off and go, well what is she doing being a psychologist? Is that anything like what y'all have experienced? Yeah. Yeah. So

That is that, that's the birth of Shit Talking Shrinks  - exactly what you just said. Because when I went through my MSW program at DU, I remember it was the same foundation and the same philosophy. Don't disclose anything, be very polished, seem honestly like an alien. Like, don't bring any of your human, human elements. Keep a straight face, be very aware of your emotions. Right. It was all the, all this inauthenticity like that, that's how it was registered and that's how it was internalized. And then when I tried to take that and my private practice and embody it, because that's what I was told I should do as a clinician mm-hmm. , it was awful. And it was boring and inauthentic and I, I didn't feel like I could fully be myself as I interacted with my clients. Mm-Hmm. and that, and because I couldn't do that, the work was dull. Mm-Hmm. and the work was bland and there wasn't the depth and the scope that I think is required to make eally transformative change with your clients. Mm-Hmm. . And so I started to kind of like, tease with not being that way, but I still felt like this armor was on of like, I gotta do what, you know, my professors told me and what DU told me. And it got so exhausting to the point where I was like, I need to break free.

Like, we need to be Shit Talking Shrinks. Like, I just

Need to be able

To say the word,

Be okay with it.

Right, right, right. Yes. Yeah. Amazing. Anyway, what about for you, Victoria? What about for you?

Well, I mean, I experienced it in my personal life. Like, I've had conversations. I remember, you know, like before I was opening my own practice, I, my mom, I was, we were like talking and I was like, "Ugh, I hate that bitch".  And she was like, "Oh my God, aren't you a therapist?" And I was like,

.

Yeah. I was like, I'm a human so I'm gonna hate people, you know, I'm not gonna , I'm not gonna be perfect. And it's, and it's, you know, that's, I I tell people all the time who are who I'm consulting with or who I'm, you know, are, are seeing if they wanna, they wanna work with me like I am fully myself mm-hmm. and not, it's not for everybody.

Right. It's not good to, and it's for everybody. Mm-Hmm.

No. And because I'm so intimate with my clients and I'm in their lives for such a, you know, substantial period of time, they better like me.

Yeah. You know. Exactly.

If they don't, we shouldn't work together.

So, so what are you finding with your work with millennials and, and Gen Z'ers that are their particular, what are you most concerned about mental health wise with this generation and what are you most glad about that has happened and it, and you see happening?

I would say for me, what I am so glad about is there's a connection and a value and authenticity and wanting to heal and wanting to do the work. You know, there isn't the same stigma or the same embarrassment, normal, normal that that previous generations, Gen Xers and Boomers had, where they're not embarrassed to say, I'm struggling and I'm anxious and I'm depressed and I'm stressed out. Like, there's, there's the willingness to, to take off the mask mm-hmm. . And I think that really allows for the deeper work and for it to the, there as a clinician, there isn't the need to have to like crack the code, right? Mm-Hmm. , it's like it's already there and they want to go in and they want to change. And so I think for that, that's for me the beauty and the richness of working with millennials. And then I think the concern is really the poor coping skills and the lack of grit and resiliency. Ugh. And, and research has confirmed this. Gen X and Boomers really developed a lot of grit and resiliency in coping mechanisms to get through the adversity and the life challenges. Millennials, on the other hand, due to parenting and different external variables, didn't develop the same sort of shields and the ability to move through the discomfort in the same way. And so we are really ill-equipped, and I see that clinically

I do too. I, I wrote down here fear of adulting. Yes. It's just, I see that all the time from college students to other people in that age group. But is that what you see Victoria as well?

I really like what Pauline said. Mm-Hmm. Yeah. I I think there's like fear in general, you know, like fear just seems like this perverse sickness that's especially with Gen Z, you know, like there's, they have more access to information than.. than ever before. Right. And it, they are paralyzed by it. Mm-Hmm. Like having a conversation with a Gen Zer is, I mean, I, it just makes me sick because it, there's such a lack and it's, of course I'm stereotyping and I'm overgeneralizing and it's all hyperbole because that's who I am. Right. But like, it sometimes it's like you could literally be the most brilliant on the earth. You could literally be the most educated, the most understanding, the most, you know, blah, blah, blah. But there's like no ability to actually comprehend anything because there's just being like, these people are just being bombarded constantly by information. Exactly. And so I, I think it is, I think it's fear and I would be the same. Yeah. You know, like, I'm millennial

Old. How old are y'all?

I'm 31.

Okay, so you're a millennial.

Yeah. And I started using drugs when I was 12, so I I like fully understand Sure. That it's, it's terrifying to be a part of this world to be, you know, especially as it is today. Mm-Hmm. , I couldn't even imagine. Paulie, how old are you? 26.

I'm 12 . Do I look, do I, do I

Look 12? I hope so. I hope,

I hope the Botox is working. . It's

Working. You

Look like a baby. Yeah. No,

I'm

Dreams. Goals, hashtag goals. I am 32 and I will be 33 in January.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, so are you also in recovery, Paulie?

I'm not. Okay.

Well, I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, but not in recovery from substances.

Okay. So what just immediately comes to mind is you want talking shrinks to be, what do you want people to walk away feeling, thinking, experiencing?

I'll, I'll go, I'll jump in. I want them, I want them to laugh. Yeah. I want them to be able to be lighthearted as they listen through an episode. I want them to have tangible tools where they walk away and they're able to have applicable skills that they can apply immediately to make life filled with more vitality. Mm-Hmm. and I, I, I want them to be able to feel our humanness and know that we are just ordinary people that struggle, that freak out, that have meltdowns that are in it. Like there's the collective human, the collective humanity of this mm-hmm. . And if I think those three things, they walk away with their life being a little bit different. They laughed and they realize that we're we're just idiots. That's great. I'm happy.

Yeah, exactly. . Well, I had a patient walk away from a session recently, and as she was walking down the steps, she looked back over her shoulder and she goes, now she's around my age. And she said, I hope I'm like you when I grow up. And I thought that's what we're gonna talk about next session, , because she's, she's projecting so much stuff onto me that, and I've been very real and that.

But maybe that's it though, Margaret, like, maybe because you are authentic, you know, because you are fully yourself and she,

That's a good point.

I think that's so at attract, I mean, that's what's become attractive to me mm-hmm. as I, as I have become more myself because I... Good point....You know, like I've hidden myself for a long time at a lot of different parts. And so when I meet people that are like, who they are, I'm not perfect. This is what's going on. I'm like, oh, I like you

. Yeah. You know? Well, I mentioned it to her and I said something about, you know, we're focused on your struggles. This relationship isn't about focusing on mine, so I don't want you to forget that I have them. And she goes, oh, I know you do . And I said, that's good. I love that.

How, how is doing the podcast changing you as a therapist, changing you as a person? What do you think?

Well, I think for, I think the podcast... the podcast itself is bringing so much joy and lightness. And as, as Victoria said, I also had that deep desire to be performative and theatrical. Yeah. Like that, that is so connected to who I am and my values. But really what's happened with the podcast is I've learned so much from Victoria in the sense that she has challenged me to look at the shadow parts of myself, the parts of myself that I think I've ignored for a very, very long time. Maybe not intentionally, I just didn't have the awareness to see that there were, there were wounded parts of me that kept manifesting in the process,

Not, people listening Don't know what" shadow"  aspects of yourself are. Maybe you can explain that a little bit.

Yeah. I think the parts of myself that, you know, are, are wounded, the parts of myself that are rooted in attachment injury, the, the stuff that I experienced in my upbringing and really the, the darker adaptive parts of myself, the ways that I had to survive and survived the struggle that I went through growing up. Mm-Hmm. . And because those parts weren't healed, they were coming out in really ugly ways, not while we were recording, but behind the scenes Right. Where I was showing up in ways that were detrimental to Victoria and I, and I think she has shed so much light on that and has invited me to do the deeper work with my own therapist and do the deeper work that needs to be done for really the long haul mm-hmm. and that I have an abundance of gratitude for.

Oh, that's nice. What about you, Victoria? Love that. Yeah. Really.

Yeah. That's a huge compliment. That's, thank you. It's true. It's been an honor to show you yourself, . I like being a mirror. I, I do. Because, because it's the same for me, right. Like Paulina, Paulina and I are not just podcast co-hosts and not just colleagues, like we're we're soul sisters. That's, that's really what it is. I think the, the coolest thing that's come for me in terms of the podcast is this journey of really allowing myself to be exactly who I am. Mm-Hmm. , you know, nobody's ever stopped me but me. So,

Oh,

You know, like when I met Paulina, I was embarking on that journey and I was, I was ending a, a long-term relationship. I was, you know, there's a lot changing in my life. And this last 10 months of my life, I, I say it all the time, it's just, it's so obnoxious, but it's like, it's been the most freeing and the podcast is like so integral to that. Mm-Hmm.

, you know. Well, I think, you know, I think I've read some of your reviews and that kind of thing that's obviously coming, coming across. It's just really coming across strong. So good for the two of you. Where do you wanna go with it? What do you wanna, I mean, the reason why I wanted to have y'all on primarily was to talk a little bit about millennials and mental health, but was also to really let people know about your podcast so that mm-hmm. anyway. What, where are you going with it? What do you wanna create? Or are you already there? Do you or you know, whatever.

I wanna be a

Star Mom. You wanna be a star ? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's, it's a really funny question. That's why when you, when it came off your tongue, I, I laughed because when I s when I started with Victoria and I looked at her and I said, you wanna do a podcast with me? This is, this is so Victoria. Yeah, sure. Whatever. Sure. That sounds great. . And I'm like, I'm so glad you're in. But like,

Diver, can I,

Can I explain my vision to you? No. She's like, yeah, sure. What's your vision? I mean, I'll show up like, we'll do it. And I'm like, no,

But,

But my vision is like, I want this to be big girlfriend. Like, I want us to, I want to have a brand behind this. Are you in? She's like, listen, here's my boundaries. Here's what I can do, here's what I can't do. If you wanna make that happen, do it. She's not, she's not from New York, but she kind of is, you know, in her essence,

.

And that was so yes to, to make a long story short, you know, we really wanna be able to touch as many people as we can. We want the episodes to be fun and lighthearted and have humor, but also be really hopeful. Yes. And beneficial.

Yes. Tell, tell the audience a little bit about what some of your, the, the ones you like the best. What have, what have been the content of some of the podcasts you've liked the best? Yeah.

You go first,

Victoria.

I know obviously

This one, right? Obviously this, so Yeah, of course. Yes.

Our podcast with Dr. Margaret is number one . I think the, so for me, the type of person I am, the, the podcast that I love the most are like our modern dating podcast. I think it's Oh, so f our mo or mo Modern dating episode. It's so funny. Our values episode is funny. I like humor. Right? So that's why Pauline and I work, is because Paulina brings, she brings the organization, she brings the joy, she brings the education. Right. And I just bring straight talking. Yeah, yeah. You know, well, it's the

Straight man and the, it's the word for centuries, you know? Exactly. . Everybody

Needs. So like, my favorite episodes are the ones that are the most unhinged, . And, and that's, and that's just what it is. ,

You know, Paulie, I don't reference to you're wanting to be known. I live in a fairly, we're under a hundred thousand people, so fairly small. Where

Do you live in Arkansas?

Fayetteville, Arkansas. In the northwest part of the state. So we're a little liberal community in my very conservative (Woah), Arkansas. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. So anyway, we walked into a restaurant and I said, you know, said, "Do you have reservations"? I said, "Yes, it's for two, it's under Rutherford." And she looked at me and she goes, "aAre you Margaret Rutherford?" And I said, "yes" "I recognize your voice. I love your podcast". We, we went to the table and my husband, who's very sarcastic, looks at mean, goes, "If this happens much more, I'm not gonna be able to stand living with you." .

I love that. Did that feel good? What did that feel like?

Oh, it was, it was a, it was a brief passing moment. doesn't happen much, but anyway. Good. I hope you're both stars, like brightly shining stars. That would be great. .

Yeah. In my own mind. I am, I'm ready to do, there you go. Well,

You know, people ask me all the time, how do you do something so serious all day long? And I say, because I'm not serious all day long, right. We find things to laugh about and we find things to, you know, see from a different perspective that adds a little more oh, I don't know. Just I mean, a lot of these people are incredibly demoralized and incredibly, they don't know what to do. They don't know what to say. They're hoping I know, but I usually don't. I'm just trying to help them and find their strengths or what I've learned from other people. So I'm just sort of this conduit. But anyway, I, I it, we do something very we do something that has a lot of seriousness to it in people's lives, but at the same time, like you said, you've both said in your own way, if we are trying to look like, you know, some kind of, and I'll use the term before immutable, or just unmoving or non-emotional. I mean, I, I, you could see what I'm feeling on my face, you know? Mm-Hmm. I'm so glad y'all are going in that direction and have other, how have other therapists reacted to y'all or responded to y'all?

I don't, I I guess we're both pausing because I think, I think there has been a little bit of a,

You're nodding your head...

...an uncomfortable response. Yeah. Like, you both have thriving private practices and businesses. You're both pretty well known in your communities, the clinical communities in Colorado and Illinois, and same with Victoria. Like, are you sure you wanna talk about anal sex?

Yeah. , like,

Are you sure you wanna admit that, you know, you like to hit it from the back? Like

What ,

You know, there's like this, like uhoh danger. This is gonna jeopardize your brand, your reputation, your credibility. Right. And that is so deeply upsetting to Victoria and I, and we did a whole episode on the sexual revolution movement. And that was actually one of my favorites because if I want to be transparent as, as I embody, you know, being a sexual woman, that does not take away my credibility or my training or my expertise. No. And the fact that other clinicians have insinuated that it could tarnish who we are, that's very upsetting to me. Now, granted, there's a bunch of clinicians that are like, rah rah, we're your biggest cheerleaders. We love what you're doing. But there have been some where I'm like, oh, I'm disappointed in your response.

And, you know, one of my immediate responses to that is, and how many, especially older therapists don't ever mention sex, even if they're seeing a couple or, or, or just, I mean, they never ask about your sex life. I mean, ever.

They can't even say the words. I mean, I was literally taught intimate. Intimate, right? Intimate. Yeah. Oh, are you guys intimate? Are you guys intimate? But we don't have to go there. It's like yeah, we have to go there. It's a huge part of a relationship. . It's

What? It's like not talking about, you know, eating and sleeping. I mean, my co my God. Well, it's funny. I mean, I, I don't, I don't believe I've ever talked about anal sex . I dunno. Maybe I have maybe some, some I have 300 and something odd episodes. I'm not sure I've, but even I have gotten you know, really? Do you want to, I mean, are you, you're just telling people all your secrets and one person you say to me all the time, your mother would just be so proud of you. And I said, my mother is turning over in her grave at this very point thinking that I'm revealing some of the things that I'm revealing about either my own life or about our family life, or just whatever. So, although respectfully cuz that's their lives, not mine. So I, I, I get it. I get it. And in fact, when I first started writing about Empty Nest, which was my first social media foray I would have friends go, are you okay? You sound like you've fallen apart . And I'd say, I'm just talking about what I'm really feeling, you know,

But that, but that's, but that inherently makes me angry. Yeah. You know, and, and I know that we, we've just been, you know, having fun and laughing and talking and here, but that's, that's inherently problematic. Mm-Hmm. because the more that can clinicians... Right, right. Continue this persona that they don't feel that they don't struggle, that they're perfect. It is giving a false impression to everyone who we interact with. And that needs to change. It's, I'm not saying to be inappropriate, I'm not saying to not be professional or graceful or polished. Like we need to bring that to the field and we owe that to our clients, but there's, there's the ability to blend authenticity with that mm-hmm. . And so when we are getting, you know, feedback of like, I can't believe you said that. Oh my God. It's like,

F... Off.

Sorry. I just, that's, that's how I feel ... f... off.

Right, right. Victoria yeah, you're,

I'm snapping

The hand gestures

. I'm making face gestures,

Hand gestures,

All of it, all the gestures. I, I mean, I completely agree. I think, you know, it it, I remember when I went to go open my practice and I got so much from older female clinicians. Really? I mean, yeah. Like, there is like a, I don't know, it's like that mom daughter jealousy where you like, see somebody's youth or you see like that they're thriving and you're like, see their flat stomach. Right. You see their flat stomach and they're perky boobs and they're, you know, like, I hate you. You know, but it's like I think, I think it's been, it's been an interesting process being younger, which I'm not that young. I'm younger in the field and like having a robust practice and now having an awesome podcast and like, there's this idea that I think is an old idea that we have to suffer in order to like, get the dividends that we deserve. Right. Like, you, you should, you should die for that. And I'm, I'm somebody who just fully believes in abundance no matter. Like, I don't think you have to kill yourself in this field to like, make good money and have a good lifestyle. Mm-Hmm. , I hate that idea. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , you know, and so to the, to therapists that love it, I love them. And therapists that don't, I, I love them too, you know? Thank you. They leave really weird reviews and I love that

One of, they said,

The bad reviews are my favorite . Yeah.

What, what was the, what was the oh, I remember it was like, I cannot believe the way that you spoke about Gen Z. You're off my rotation. And I was like, I am honored. I was on your rotation to begin with. That's amazing. Yeah.

Mm-Hmm. . Oh my gosh.

So,

Okay, so we're kind of at the end of the interview. What, what else do you want people to know about, I mean, talking

Shrinks. Well, I guess, yeah, go ahead.

No, no.

You, you want me? Okay. I want to well we are on Spotify and Apple and all of the platforms for Easy Access and you can also find us on our Buzz Sprout website. Oh. But the easiest way to do it is to, what's the easiest way to do it? Oh yeah. Type Shit Talking Shrinks into the Google search bar. Yeah. Thank you. Shit Talking Shrinks podcast into Google will all come up. We're on all the socials, we're on Instagram, we're on TikTok, LinkedIn Facebook, and it's Shit Talking Shrinks podcast. So you can find us easily,

You know, open up the conversation about you know, what therapy is, what their, who therapists are. And, and especially for this generation that just seems to be so overloaded with information that they're trying to sift through. And y'all are going now, wait a minute. You know we have the same kind of confusion, modeling that kind of confusion and modeling that kind of, not modeling it like you're doing something on purpose, but modeling it because it is really you. I've, you know, this is something that I, that I can, I, I know what this feels like and I can, I can try to help you with this. Mm-Hmm.

Good. Yeah. And to say we are beyond grateful for the opportunity to come on your show. Yeah. Like when when I got that email back, I was like, she wants us on our show. Really. Sure. I like called Victoria. I'm like, this is big. Yeah. We're so happy. Yeah, that's great. But thank you for, for seeing, for seeing the magic in us. Oh, yeah. I mean that,

I definitely see it and I hear it and I hear it in this interview and I'm proud of the two of you. Thank you. And so I think you're a great team and I really am gonna recommend this highly am recommending this highly to SelfWork listeners who thank you want this kind of, and are looking for exactly this kind of, oh, I don't know, just relief mm-hmm. finding themselves somewhere just kind of a sense of, okay, I'm home. I'm home and I can laugh and I can cry and I can learn and all that kind of thing. So good for you.

Yeah. Thank you. If, if, I don't know if we have to end at this moment, but I, I do have to say one of the things that I, I always try and leave people with and, and what I try and bring to the podcast is I think life is inherently struggle, right? Like, there's so much that we get brought that is so hard, and especially in times like today. And so a big, huge part of why I am happy today is because I believe that the universe wants us to be joyful. I believe that the universe wants us to have abundance and laugh and, and be full of love. And so I think that, you know, what I bring to the podcast and what, what is a big part of our podcast is that, that life should be that and that it's wanted for us.

Yeah.

You know?

Love it.

Yeah.

You ladies are wonderful.

You can tell I had a really good time in that interview. , they are funny and I think they have a wonderful point. I decided a long time ago not to be one of those therapists that, you know, looked like she was always calm and never expressed feelings. In fact, you can read my feelings on my face, so that wasn't even gonna be possible. So I hope that this interests both you who aren't clinicians and some of you who are. As always, I appreciate your presence here on SelfWork. I hope this gave you a smile. Please take very good care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been SelfWork.

 

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Increasingly, I’ve noticed a trend in how people are describing “having fun” – and so much of that time, what they’re doing is scrolling thru TikTok or Instagram – Reddit  or Quora – or any online communications app. Even people who are actively struggling with depression will tell me how the major way they “distract” themselves is through focusing on what they can find on their screens.  This... despite all kind of studies showing that the more you interact or are “on” your phone, the more depressed you can become.

I’m not advocating that anyone get rid of their phone. But… I do think that a way out of depression is finding tiny bits of fun. I found a “fun” expert – science journalist and TED speaker, Catherine Davis..  We’ll talk about her work and research – and use it to wonder together about how you might be experiencing depression and still be able to find “fun.”

On a much different note. the voicemail today is from a woman who’d told her husband she was leaving him due to his narcissistic behaviors over 40 years. And then, he fell, broke his back and required extensive hospitalization and has become someone who needs ongoing care for a dementia that will only worsen over time. What would you do?

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Other Vital Links:

"Happiness" article by Laurie Santos

Catherine Price's TED talk

Catherine Price's book  How To Break Up With Your Phone

Episode Transcript! 

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At Self-Work, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm a clinical psychologist and about seven years ago now, or almost seven years ago, I decided to extend the walls of my practice to those of you who might already be very interested in psychological issues or have sought therapy for yourself, to those of you who've just been figuring out some sort of problem or issue and you want some advice, and to a third group, to those of you who might be just a little more skeptical about mental health treatment and what you could do to help yourself with depression or anxiety, I'm glad for all of you to be here. I wanna remind you that my TEDx talk is out and I will have the link for it in the show notes. I'm very excited as I record this. We're closing in on 9,000 views and it's only been out for four or five days, so I'm so pleased that the message is getting out and you're part of that.

So if you've already listened or viewed, actually thank you for that. You can let me know by commenting. And for those of you who want to, it's about a 15 minute video on YouTube. You could also just go to YouTube and put in Dr. Margaret Rutherford and TEDx and it'll come up.

So today we're gonna be talking about having fun. Increasingly, I've noticed a big trend in how people who see me are describing having fun and so much of that time what they're doing is scrolling through TikTok or Instagram, Reddit or Quora or any online communications app. Even people who are actively struggling with depression will tell me the major way they distract themselves is through focusing on what they can find on their screens. This, despite all kinds of studies showing that the more you interact or are on your phone, the more depressed you can become.

I have a cell phone, which I use quite a lot, and I have fun on some of the apps I have. I get it. Yet.just this morning when my husband and I went out to a local diner for breakfast, we saw a couple. And then they weren't young, but they were older, both with one hand holding their fork with their food, while with the other hand ,they were scrolling through their phones. No conversation, no sharing, and they were definitely not having fun together.

So today I'm not advocating that anyone get rid of their phone, but I do think that a way out of depression is finding tiny bits of fun. aAnd I found a fun expert, Catherine Davis, whose Ted Talk will be in your show notes. She's a science journalist and has written a couple of very successful books and she's really fun to listen to.

We'll talk about her work and research and use it to wonder together how you might be experiencing depression or anxiety and still be able to find fun. It's also important to be aware that having fun itself is a way out of depression, even though that very statement may seem counterintuitive. How can you have fun if you're depressed? We'll focus on that and of course, what other things you can do about in this episode of SelfWork.

On a much different note, the voicemail today is from a woman who told her husband she was leaving him due to his narcissistic behaviors over 40 years. And then he fell, broke his back, and required extensive hospitalization and has become someone who needs ongoing care for dementia that will only worsen over time. I'll try my best to answer her question first.

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People ask me all the time, “How do you do what you do and not get down or depressed yourself?” My first answer is usually because I see so much courage and fight, although it can be hard to hear about the abuse that we humans and especially parents can force onto children. But I also have fun. I laugh all day long with my patients about various and sundry things and I can see a little bit of light in their eyes when they catch themselves enjoying a laugh or recognizing some amusing irony or another in their own lives.

So I wondered what I might find in research about having fun and I found Catherine Price. I found a reference to her first in an article by Laurie Santos about her work at Yale where she teaches an extremely popular course on happiness, and I'm gonna have that link in your show notes as well.

It's a great article. So she quotes Catherine Price. So I went to go look her up and I think her work's refreshing and more importantly, kind of fun to think about.

First, who is Catherine Price? Well, here's her byline. With a background in science journalism and an unshakable curiosity about the world. Catherine Price helps people question their assumptions, make positive changes in their lives, and see mundane things like phones and vitamins in a different more philosophical light. She's also the author of How to Break Up with Your Phone, which is a huge bestseller and I'll have that link for you. So that description intrigued me. I like to think of myself as a very curious person and I think that curiosity helps me to stay energetic and I love to laugh.

So, I was more than interested in what Catherine had to say. I watched her Ted Talk and frankly it was funny, she'd reached out internationally and asked people what fun was to them. She got some hilarious answers like roast a Turkey, which I guess could be fun. But what she mostly noted was that many of the answers, in fact most of the answers described doing something, I have fun when I cook, or fishing is fun, or watching old movies is fun. But she believes fun is a feeling, not necessarily an activity. And she goes on to talk about three kinds of fun: fake fun, true fun and activities that bring a sense of fun things that are enjoyable, like taking a bath or talking with a friend.

So let's first talk about fake fun. And this resonated so much with what I hear from the TikTok or Instagram addicted people I see as clients. These folks will say to me that they believe scrolling is fun until they realize that it's grown to be addictive. It becomes as Catherine Price calls it, a passive compulsion and one where social comparison happens in a negative direction, which isn't fun at all.

In fact, this kind of scrolling only increases self-doubt and leads to self-loathing because of what the scroller can then chastise themselves about wasted time being late because you were staring at your screen literally having to have a hit of TikTok before you do anything on your plan for the day, like waking up and smoking, you gotta have your hit of TikTok.

I might add that other addictive behaviors also belong here. Drinking can start out as feeling fun. For example, the alcohol breaks down whatever anxiety you might have about being social so you can have fun. Not so fun is what can happen afterward or the next day when you have little to no energy because you're so hung over. But then the fun can start again when you start drinking right, and this cycle of supposed fun becomes an addiction. This kind of fun sounds to me coming from a therapeutic perspective like distraction, like not wanting to or even fearing looking at yourself or your life honestly or procrastinating what may be a hard thing to do and doing an easy thing in instead, while also creating anxiety that will be waiting for you when your fun is over.

So what is real fun or true fun as Catherine calls it?

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Today I'm presenting the work of Catherine Davis, whom I've never met, but watched her Ted talk as well as an interview with her and was very impressed with how she talked about and defined fun. She says it has three components, flow, playfulness, and connection. She showed a Venn diagram, which is just circles in this case, and each facet  - flow, playfulness and connection  - are their own circle, but those three circles intersect in the middle. So there's a circle where all three were present and that constitutes real fun. And while I'm gonna talk about these three components, I'm also going to talk about how depression and anxiety can make it harder to create these but not impossible.

First, let's take playfulness. Another word for this might be lightheartedness, not taking things so seriously, being spontaneous. She makes the point that when the world is so full of war and hunger and climate change, it can seem uncaring or even self-centered or selfish to have fun.

It made me think of the characters of Winnie the Pooh. There's Owl, Rabbit, Kanga, R00, Winnie, Piglet, Tigger, Christopher Robin and Eeyore I found an article about each character's relatability. Which character do you think wins that relatability contest? It might surprise you. It's not the fun loving Tigger or the adventuresome Roo. It’s Eeyore, the sad melancholy, the “if something bad happens, it'll be to me” character . In this series- created almost a hundred years ago - the writers were trying to make each of these characters lovable with their strengths showing as well as their vulnerabilities.

So why am I bringing this up? Because even Eeyore is capable of having fun. He has a malformed tale but says things like I”I's not much of a tale, but I'm sort of attached to it.” , What is Eeyore doing? Not to overanalyze poor Eeyore, but it seems as if he can see that his perspective is gloomy and depressing, but can also use a tiny bit of energy to care, to see things more positively, dare I say, to have fun.

Seeing the funny or the fun and things is more difficult obviously when you're depressed, yes. But if you challenge yourself to learn something new, to stay curious about how to do something, you are building steps to lift your depression or to soothe your anxiety. If you know that being around someone's a downer where being around someone else lifts your spirits, who are you going to choose to go to lunch with? Hopefully the second. Instead of doing the same things every day, which may become more of a trap for your depression rather than a way out, think of something that makes you smile. What if you had fun doing before? I can already hear someone listening to this and who's depressed saying, “Well, it wouldn't be fun now. Hell, I don't even have the energy to try my answer to that.” Depression is hard to fight, especially severe depression.

Yet realizing that all you have to do is find enough energy to try one thing that could be fun. Be around someone who is fun to be around. See how you're negating something's value before you've ever tried it. If you don't do those things, you will only stay depressed. So trying to look for what could possibly be playful in your world is so important.

The second facet of fun, according to Catherine. Price is connection - and that means connection with a real person, not a screen, not a task or a chore. Because realize you can feel connected without having fun. You and someone else might be grieving together or having an argument. That's connection. But remember we're talking about the three facets of fun. So she states that true fun involves another living being I almost said human being, but then I thought, I think you can have fun with a pet.

In fact, think about emotional support animals or the dogs that are regularly taken to see hospital patients. That's connection as well.

Isolating can be a huge part of depression. You pull away, you withdraw either because you feel that you're protecting yourself or even that you're protecting others. Nobody needs to be around me now, but that's a mistake, and if you do it regularly, feeling disconnected is very lonely and will wipe out any chance of fun. Think about the tale of Scrooge who spent his life isolating, not dancing, not attending social gatherings because he was too caught up in himself. He didn't take advantage of the opportunities for connection there were in his life, and then fear finally leads him to do so. So what opportunities could you be passing over if you look for them, if you look for a way out of your sadness, you just may find it.

The recent movie, A Man Named Otto did just this or told this story. Otto was grieving his wife's death and that's all he could think about until a neighbor needed his help and he got involved with her and her family and began living again. I realize that's a movie, but what opportunities for connection and fun could you be missing?

The last facet is flow. Now before you think, “Oh, that's some weird word that's all about meditation” and then dismiss it. Think about some time when you were totally engrossed in something you were doing. It could have been coaching your kid's soccer game or building a piece of furniture or playing piano or guitar where you lost your sense of time. That's flow. Sometimes when I write, I find that two hours has gone by and I'm not even aware of that time that's flow. Now, yesterday I binged on Netflix and my whole afternoon was gone. That was also flow, sort of escapism as well ; , some of those ways to flow are perhaps more constructive, but flow is the third needed component for fun. Think about the last time you and a friend couldn't stop laughing about something, whatever it is, that sense of timelessness for a few seconds or hours is flow.

There's a last tip that Ms. Price suggests, and it's on breaking the addictive power of your phone so you're more available to create true fun. I probably like these so much because they're very similar to the questions I ask my patients who are so enmeshed with someone else that I suggest they ask themselves these questions before they reach out trying to break that enmeshment. If I have a likely phone addict in my office, for example, what I'll see is they have to turn it over, but they keep it close by.

They know that they'll need to look at it if it's face up. Apple watches or whatever kind of watch you use can also rob you of fun. If you get addicted to how many steps you took, for example, your life becomes about checking or having to check. I stopped wearing mine for just this reason. I felt as if I was becoming hooked on reaching those achievements instead of flowing in my life.

Anyway, back to the topic of breaking up with your phone. She suggests using the acronym WWW -  they are questions to ask yourself before you even pick the silly thing up. Ask yourself first,  “What for, or what's the purpose of picking up your phone?” Are you avoiding something? Are you turning to someone else because you're anxious and need calming down? Are you looking for answers that someone else is going to give you because you've convinced yourself you can't do things for yourself?

So what for what's the purpose of me scrolling? What's the purpose of me texting? What's the purpose of me going onto YouTube? Maybe it's a very good purpose … but it helps to ask yourself what for.

The second question is, “Why right now?” wWhy in this moment are you picking up your phone rather than making another choice? I've heard from several Gen Zers that they pick up their phone the first thing in the morning to check their texts or their number of likes. Now I've been guilty of this as well, and I'm far from a Gen Zer. I've laughingly called it my “self-esteem” fix. But what's the other possibility that you didn't get any likes or there wasn't a text? Does that mean you're worth nothing, that your day off is off to an awful start? Or does it mean that you need to stop doing that looking externally for validation?

Yep, that's what would be best.

And the third question is, “What else?” What else could I do or say or be or try or be curious about? What are your other choices? What is it that Einstein said? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity or something like that. All you're doing is dredging a deeper tunnel for yourself to get out of. So do something different. Even it's a tiny thing. Tiny is good, tiny is enough. So the three questions are, “What for? What's the purpose? Why right now? And What else?” What else could you do other than picking up that phone and staring at that screen? You know, even fun comes in tiny packages and that can be in making those changes, those tiny changes that can be where you find your joy and your hope and a way out of depression.

Speak pipe message from dr margaret rutherford.com

And now the voicemail of the week.

I told my husband of 40 years I was leaving him because he was narcissistic and abusive and a few days later he fell, broke his back was in the hospital for three months and diagnosed with precipitous cognitive decline. My adult children in their thirties want me to take care of him full-time. They're angry at me for taking any time for myself and they don't really wanna participate in it in a helpful way. I don't know whether to leave. I don't know whether to stay. I don't know what to do.

This voicemail was difficult to listen to as you can hear just how trapped the listener sounds. Her story reminded me of several people I've worked with through the years that found themselves in similar situations that their spouses or partners' lives had changed and not for the better. They'd just received a bad medical diagnosis or they'd lost their job. One person was in a coma, maybe they'd been arrested, whatever. But it had happened at a time when my patient had had plans to leave the relationship and they didn't know what to do. So this woman says the same. I don't know what to do.

There may be no good answers here. If her husband has treated his children the same way he's treated her, then it's understandable that they don't want to take care of him either. Perhaps they are mad because she can lose her divorce and they feel like they can't divorce their dad.

Perhaps one or more of them also share narcissistic traits and are thinking only of themselves. But it sounds as if she's stuck feeling like she told him she's had enough and then his life would have it. Her husband is now dependent on someone's care and she can tell herself it's her care. Yet he's not created the kind of relationships with his family and certainly not with her. That would act as a reason for her to be or likely remain his caregiver. He's not going to turn over a new leaf and not show narcissistic behaviors now, or at least that's not likely to happen. So she feels stuck. I announced I was done and now it feels like if I act on those feelings, I’m betraying my husband, I'm abandoning him. My children will be angry with me. Does that mean she would lose connection with them?

I can't tell from her words.

What I would wonder with her, if she's been with someone narcissistic for 40 years, she's likely someone who takes on way too much responsibility. Whether that's appropriate or not, that's a long time to spend when you're constantly or often intermittently getting the message that you are not enough, you're not supportive enough, understanding enough , that you fail often, that you're wrong a lot. How has that affected her? What has she done with her anger, with her own grief?

But as I've discussed with many people, as you make a choice like this to stay to go think about the things you predict that will be hard about either choice and ask yourself, how would I handle those hard things? Neither choice is likely going to avoid hardship, so which can you cope with better? I looked up precipitous cognitive decline and seems that it's a rapid decline.

Does she have the energy for that? Had she made plans to leave that she has then canceled. What she may need to do is sit down with a paper and pencil or whatever and actually write down what she thinks her steps could be or when she's already taken ones that she needs to take. Perhaps talking with a lawyer about separating some of the financial issues.

But I'm certainly sorry that this listener finds herself in such a difficult place. Going to a therapist in your local area could be very helpful as you sort out the myriad of feelings you're likely having and again, trying to organize the steps of what it would be like to stay, but probably stay in a different way or to go, you can ask them to help you organize and express those feelings so that whatever decision you make is one you can live with. No decision in either direction is going to be easy. Talk with your true friends about it and allow them to support you and good luck to you.

Thank you all for being here. I hope that this was helpful in you thinking about your own fun and how to create it. What I'd really love is for a few of you to leave some reviews on Apple Podcasts especially. It's really kind of funny. I was telling someone the other day, it seemed like they just kept rolling in, the reviews kept rolling in until I reached a thousand, and then it's like somebody says, “oOh, she's got more than a thousand reviews. I won't leave one .” No SelfWork needs them in order for new people -  people who might be considering listening in will have a sense of what self-work is now in 2023. So just take a couple of minutes to leave a rating or review and I'll be so grateful. You can also join my private closed Facebook group. It's at facebook.com/groups/ self-work. That's facebook.com/groups/ self-work.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to be here today with me. You can always email me at ask Dr. Margaret@Drmargaretrutherford.Com and let me know what you'd like for me to talk about. Or you can use the SpeakPipe function that is either on my website@drmargaretrutherford.com, which by the way is new and I think it's really nice . So I'd love for you to go look and there's some new ways to subscribe as well. That, again, is dr margaret rutherford.com. So thank you for being here. Please take very good care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been SelfWork.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

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Today I’m offering something different for you. No commercials. Just me and you talking. I’ve said before on SelfWork that I’ve seen so many people become paralyzed in their decision -making about what course or direction they should follow. Hopefully, through my own story of discovering my own potential, you’ll get a taste of what I’ve learned works – which is to simply “go.” Go in a direction – any direction that puts itself in front of you. At least that’s healthy and productive. Learn from that. And keep going. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up from disappointments. But you learn every time.

And you'll hear at the end my own exciting announcement of my TEDxBocaRaton talk now being available on YouTube! I'll hope you can watch!

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Here's the link to my TEDx talk! Just click here!

Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm so glad you're here today. I am offering something different for you. No commercials, just me and you talking. I've said before on SelfWork that I've seen so many people become paralyzed in their decision making about what course or direction they should follow. Hopefully, through my own story that I'll tell today of self-discovery, you'll get a taste of what I've learned works, which is just simply go, go in a direction, any direction that puts itself in front of you, at least that's healthy and productive. You learn from that and then you keep going, and I have an announcement to make of something I'm more than honored to tell you is now available.

Potential. It's one of those words that would come up, especially for my mom when my life wasn't going so well. "But you have so much potential.," she'd say to me. At least at that time, it felt like I was being chastised, certainly not supported. But I think I was wrong. I was the one who felt so bad about me that I couldn't see any potential. So today is a story about me being open to discovering potential in myself, and hopefully my story will make sense for you.

You know me as Dr. Margaret who does this podcast. Maybe you know, I'm the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression. What you may not know is that I never actually wanted to write a book. Never dreamed of hosting a podcast. I'd never had ambitions to be known for something. Well, you know, that's not quite true. When I was much younger, I thought I'd be a famous opera star, but that wasn't in the cards for me.

But I've come to love being a therapist and a mom and a wife, , and my husband would quickly note the order of those things like, oh, I'm last . And you know, I was quite happy doing that. I'd found my potential, at least I thought I had.

I began writing online when my son had gone to college because I had time on my hands and my husband was undergoing a medical treatment. So that was really new for me. I'd always liked writing emails and things, but I'd never considered myself an author. But I needed to do something while I was being with my husband and a woman here locally that I knew Jeanette is her first name. She's basically a coach for inventors and entrepreneurs taught me about online stuff. I didn't even know what a link was when I began. That was back in 2012.

That's when I started a blog about empty nest and then pretty quickly started writing about mental health. The writing was fun. So I thought, "Okay, this fills my time." And hopefully, as I say on the podcast, I was extending the walls of my practice to those who wanted to read what I had to say and maybe learn a little bit more about therapy and mental health treatment. But in 2014, I was sitting and thinking about the people I'd seen who'd walked into my office, not telling me they were depressed, but saying things like, "I'm not sure what's wrong. I probably don't even need to be here." Or some such story. What they all had in common was an inability to express painful emotion. In fact, they might be telling you about something that was even traumatic, but they'd be smiling as if they were telling me what they'd had for lunch.

They were completely detached from their pain, like they had their anger or sadness or shame stuck so far back that it was as if that pain didn't exist. It was weird to watch, and I had to begin to tune in very closely to what these people were saying and not pay as much attention to how they were saying it. So again, on that afternoon in 2014, I literally grabbed a name from out of the air when I was titling the piece and called it the Perfectly Hidden Depressed Person, are You One? And the post went viral after it appeared on the Huff Post. I received hundreds of emails. "How do you know about this? It's like, you're in my head.". So I got curious, and I looked around at the popular literature and I found Dr. Brene Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection is an incredible work on perfectionism, vulnerability, and shame.

And of course, now she's world famous and has written scads of truly great books and has a TED Talk that is one of the most watched talks ever. But I also found Terrence Real's book. "I don't wanna talk about it" on what he termed Covert Depression, but it was written only for men, and I was finding this in my clients, were both men and women.

Then I turned to the academic research, and there were so many researchers shouting out the dangers of the combination of perfectionism and depression saying that perfectionism alters the presentation of depression and makes it very hard for a therapist or clinician to really see what's going on. Yet the pain is very real and very active, but it's active underneath an armor that's worn as camouflage for those often traumatic memories.

Recently, we were all shocked by the suicidal death of the incredible dancer, entertainer, and producer tWitch. He wrote in a suicide note about something from his past that it had to do with his death by suicide. I don't know any more than that. But back in 2014, there wasn't too much about this link between having a perfect seeming life and suicide. It just wasn't being talked about.

So what was I to do? Well, I've told clients through the years, "If you believe something should exist and it doesn't, then create it." So that's what I did with luck, support from many, many important others, very, very hard work by me and the fantastic team I'd built over the years. Five years later, Perfectly Hidden Depression was published. Then the pandemic hit. So no face-to-face interviews, certainly no book tour. So basically I thought, okay, I've reached my potential, and that's the end of this journey.

But there's one more twist to this story.

Three years ago, right at the beginning of the pandemic, a woman I didn't know, a stranger, Cindy Metzler, reached out to me on LinkedIn. She said a friend had told her about the death of another friend. We'll call that friend Jane. Jane was a wife and mother of two, a highly respected and successful person in her community, and she died by suicide on Valentine's Day using a means that was very planned, and there was no doubt she'd chosen to die. Everyone was absolutely shocked trying to absorb this tremendously confusing loss.

But at the funeral, Jane's husband walked up to Cindy and her friend and said, "I found this on Jane's bedside table." It was my book.

Tears came to my eyes when I heard this story in 2020, and Cindy and I became virtual friends along with her other friend, Tricia and I volunteered a couple of times to speak to groups that Cindy ran about this kind of hidden depression, and that all went very well.

What I didn't know was that Cindy was and is a co-organizer of the Boca Raton TEDx Talks. Now, if you don't know what a TED Talk is, TED was begun years ago by a man who believed in giving people a stage to talk about what he termed "ideas worth sharing." The TED or the t e d part of it is technology, entertainment, and design. All kinds of people auditioned from scientists to students, to artists to creators. And what happened after that? TED became a huge platform for people to share those ideas. Then cities and communities around the world wanted to host their own TED Talks, so they were termed TEDx talks. Now, TEDx follows the same guidelines created by big Ted, like what the stage looks like, how long the talks are. They can't be more than 20 minutes. And then the famous red dot that the speaker stands on, well, seems like the universe thought I had more potential.

Cindy asked me to submit to her city's TEDx committee. TEDx spoke a ratton. They didn't host anything in 2021 due again to the pandemic. But I submitted in 2022 and I didn't make the cut. So once again, I thought that was that.

I played around with the idea of submitting to other TEDx venues, but somehow I just couldn't find the energy to do it. I was pretty deflated actually, after submitting and getting turned down. And this journey through the last decade had had its share of disappointments. My book was published, yes, but 39 Count 'em, 39 other publishers had said no. Some I got interviews, which was great, but it was still a no, and there were two reasons. One, no one knew who I was, and two, those publication houses didn't think people hiding depression would buy a book on hiding depression. , you can see the irony.

So when I got turned down those 39 times, each one of those 39 times, I thought, "Okay, this is the end." I was disappointed, but I was happy to have gotten the chances I had, and sure enough, New Harbinger came along and said, yes. Again, lots of luck and hard work.

But back to the other story, Cindy and I stayed in touch, and this year, 2023, she asked me to submit again. I took a big breath and I did, and my talk was chosen. Then the real work began as I hired a great coach, but we only had nine weeks to create a talk that would be about 14 to 15 minutes long that would share not only the idea of perfectly hidden depression, but give a solution to its core problem, and that talk had to be memorized. . I've always had trouble with memorizing; even my band used to kid me in my twenties, that I kept song lyrics in front of me when I'd sung the same songs night after night after night.Memorizing was simply not my forte.

So I gave the talk on May the 20th this year, and I was incredibly nervous. But I think the message comes across, it's not only about perfectionism and depression, it's on transparency. It's on learning to trust. It's on how we as a culture can change to stop talking about suicidal thoughts or feelings as if they're only a symptom of depression. They're not. Pain is at the core of suicidal thinking, and we can all feel that kind of pain given the right circumstances. All of us. I can't tell you how many times people have shared the fact that they've thought about dying, about taking their own lives because of what's happened to them in the present or in the past.

But I'm not gonna give you the talk here. I'm asking that you go watch it on YouTube. The link will be in your show notes or you can go to YouTube, put in Dr.Margaret Rutherford and TEDx and it ought to come up. That's it. Again, the link will be in your show notes and please like, comment and share if you can.

Now, I don't know if this is the end of the journey or not, but what I hope you can see, if you keep curious, if you keep open and if you risk, you never know what might be in store for you or what potential you have that is within you just waiting to be discovered. Thank you so much for listening. Today's shortened self-work. I always appreciate you taking the time to listen. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

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I wouldn’t wish borderline personality disorder on anyone – it’s a truly difficult and chaotic way to live life. Yet it’s just as difficult to be in relationship with someone who lives their life on an emotional roller coaster. Today we’re going to focus on how you can set boundaries with folks who have borderline traits (I’ll also go over the traits themselves). We’ll focus specifically on having a parent with borderline PD – but these suggestions could also help if your friend or cousin or sibling suffers from the disorder. I’m pulling from some extremely well-written articles as well as my own experience with patients – and those links you’ll be able to find in the show notes..

The listener voicemail is tough to listen to and involves murder – so please realize this may be a trigger for you. It’s from a woman who’s deeply grieving her daughter’s actions as well as the deaths of grandchildren - and blames herself – or feels guilt – for not knowing how to help. I’ll do my best to answer…

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Mayo Clinic’s list of signs and symptoms

Psychology Today article, Matthew Hutson

Article by Megan Glosson from The Mighty

Books on Borderline Personality Disorder: Understanding the Borderline Mother, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You Don't Leave Me. 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I'm a clinical psychologist and I started SelfWork almost seven years ago in order to extend the walls of my practice to those of you who might already be very interested in psychological and emotional issues, maybe you're even in therapy, would would appreciate the comments from another therapist or thoughts or to those of you who might be looking for answers. Maybe you've just been diagnosed with a mental illness or you have a loved one that you're concerned about. But also to those of you who are bit skeptical about the whole mental health thing, this is for you and I so appreciate every one of you being here.

You know, I wouldn't wish borderline personality disorder on anyone. It's a truly difficult and chaotic way to live life, but it's just as difficult to be in relationship with someone who lives their life on this kind of emotional rollercoaster.

Today we're gonna focus on how you can set boundaries with people who have borderline traits. And I'll also go over the traits themselves. We'll focus specifically on having a parent with borderline personality, but these suggestions would also help if your loved one is a friend or a cousin or a sibling that suffers from the disorder. I'm pulling from some extremely well written articles as well as my own experience with patients and those links you'll be able to find in the show notes.

I discovered a wonderful article on the Mighty written by someone with borderline who offered what I thought were creative and very helpful tips on how the individual themselves can set boundaries with themselves that allow them to slow down, be less reactive, and thus create less chaos.

The listener voicemail is tough to listen to and involves murder. So please realize this may be a trigger for you. It's from a woman who's deeply grieving her daughter's actions as well as the deaths of grandchildren and blames herself or feels guilt for not knowing how to help. I'll do my best to answer. I wanna announce that for a few weeks now, self self-work has offered transcripts for episodes which we hope will offer the hearing impaired or anyone who might wanna read the actual transcript. What I hope is that those folks who wanna do their selfwork will now be able to read it.

Before we get started, let's hear from the top online therapy provider. Better Help. Research continues to show by the way that online therapy is as effective as in-person and is far more convenient and doable for many.

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So let's answer the most obvious question first, what are borderline traits? Here's the Mayo Clinic's list of signs and symptoms, and I'm adding my own comments about what that might look like in real life.

So here's number one, an intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. Now when they say extreme, it can be very extreme. I once worked with a man, happened to be a doctor who'd been so emotionally abused by a wife with borderline that he was divorcing her. He drove from another city to see me because she'd follow him, threaten him with bizarre threats and leave frightening troubled notes or dead animals to try to prevent the divorce from happening. This was very serious. Now obviously she had severe borderline and borderline is on a spectrum just like everything else in mental health, but this fear of abandonment is really, really strong.

Number two is a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care or is cruel. So you can go from the best friend ever, the best child ever, if it's your parent, the best therapist ever to the worst, just imagine what it might be like to truly feel that way, the way the borderline feels. And of course when you're on the receiving end, and if you are a child, it's highly confusing and can feel very manipulative.

Number three is rapid changes in self-identity and self-image. That includes shifting goals and values and seeing yourself as bad or as you don't exist at all. What I've found is that questions will be asked like, do I matter at all? For example, years ago I had a client who'd leave this message on my voicemail, "Call me back if you want to."

So if I called back, I obviously wanted to reflecting that it was soothing to her that it wasn't my job to call her back, but cause I cared about her. And of course the opposite of that would be if I didn't call her back, at least not immediately, it would mean to her I didn't care and the client could even feel that she didn't exist for me. And so they can set themselves up by this need for reassurance. And also when they don't get it in the way they want it, they can feel as if they don't exist. They're not important, they're bad, whatever.

Number four is periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality lasting from a few minutes to a few hours. Now this is the case for truly severe cases of borderline. I'd say what happens more often is that the person with borderline personality disorder frequently disassociate likely due to previous abuse.And so it's become a way for them to de-stress.

Dissociating means that your minds sort of goes someplace else and you feel like you're not really in your body. Daydreaming is a mild form of dissociating. But people with a lot of abuse in their histories, their minds have dissociated from the abuse when the abuse was happening as a way to protect themselves.

Here's the next one, impulsive and risky behavior such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex spending, sprees, binge eating or drug abuse or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship. Now this trait can be confused with bipolar disorder and does have quite a few similarities, but when the mania is over, someone with bipolar disorder will see the damage as damage. Someone with borderline personality disorder may not. Most of this is due of course, to the fact that they are governed by their emotions.

So if they wanna do it, if they feel like it's an impulse at the time that they wanna do or they'll spend the money or they'll drive recklessly it's sex they wanna have, then they'll do it no matter what the impact on them is or other people.

Actually. The next one is suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection. This is very, very common. Cutting is often a part of this or burning yourself. Another is hitting their heads against something repeatedly. And of course what someone with borderline personality disorder might tell you is that when they cut, they're actually trying to distract themselves from their deep emotional pain. It relieves the depth of their emotional pain by feeling physical pain. Other borderlines have told me that they don't feel anything when they cut. So it is truly a dissociative, like we were talking before, it's a dissociative behavior.

Here's the next. Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame, or anxiety. Again, this really mimics bipolar disorder.

Here's a very important one, ongoing feelings of emptiness. I had the same, "call me if you want to" client tell me her soul felt like it was a black hole. In my work with borderline personality, I often used the image of creating a safe sponge in your soul. So when something positive comes your way, you can absorb it instead of being lost in that black hole and you lose the existence of whatever positivity there was. But of course, someone with borderline may also or more often absorbed the negative. That's why the sponge idea has to be linked with positive feedback.

And then the last is inappropriate intense anger such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter or having physical fights.

So those are the major signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Now your next question could easily be how does someone develop B P D? The only answer is that its cause seems to have multiple levels, multiple facets because we don't know. It may be from early trauma, very poor attachment, never feeling safe. There are many in fact who feel that dissociative identity disorder or what used to be called multiple personality disorder is really a severe borderline disorder where in your past your safety was so compromised that you literally had to break into another sense of self or another persona to handle the stress of no safety. Think of it as something getting heavier and heavier to hold. So you have to use both hands. As the stress increases with the horror in this case, increases, your mind creates another self to help with the weight of that horror.

And so doing your mind stays more stable, although you are now "broken" into two personas. Much less severe is the person who may feel as if they morph into different aspects of themselves. Not two different names or identities, but again, those symptoms we discussed of changing values or identities is tied into dissociation so early trauma can cause it. Then there's genetic inheritance, although genetic factors are being ruled out in other areas. So I'm not sure on this one. Now these behaviors can also be learned if you had a parent with borderline, you can absorb and mimic those beliefs and behaviors. But what I really wanna say is that it's a miserable way to live. And obviously if you are a child of someone with borderline, it's very confusing and very complicated. But let's move on to trying to love and relate to someone with borderline personality disorder. We'll talk about that right after we hear from AG1.

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Okay, let's get down to setting those boundaries. Many of the authors and researchers who write about borderline personality say it's helpful to see the different kinds of people with borderline traits. If you've listened to SelfWork a lot, I did an episode a while back on the different categories of narcissism. So this is similar we should say here, and in fact I probably should have said it in the beginning. There do seem to be more females with borderline than males. The reason for that is unknown.

So let's talk about those types or categories of borderline. Christine Lawson, author of Understanding the Borderline Mother has a taxonomy of the troubled parent. There are four of them, the waif, the hermit, the queen and the witch. In a Psychology Today article, a man named Matthew Hudson writes, "The queen is controlling, the witch is sadistic, the hermit is fearful and the wave is helpless."

Why is this important? Because the way they may have of interacting with you is going to look and feel different from one another. And so each requires a different approach. Again, I'm still quoting Matthew Hudson. "Don't let the queen get the upper hand. Be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the hermit spheres or you'll become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with a witch. Maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. The witch is probably the most sadistic and even sociologically pathological kind of personality, and the wife don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization". Lawson says, "Pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic."

But all that said, what does loving someone with borderline personality feel like and what can you do? Often the chief of motion you have to deal with and learn how to confront is guilt.

Let's say your phone rings, you look down and her name appears on your screen. Sadly, you dread clicking over and then comes the guilt you history with her rushes into your mind as you wait for one more ring, you're reminded of all the times that you've rushed her aside, comforted her and told her you'd be there for her while realizing over time that your caring would never be enough to shore up her fragile self-worth. Or you think of how you've watched as she's made one impulsive choice after another, while blaming others, including you. For the chaos of her life, you've had to set boundaries against which she constantly pushes, ultimately accusing you of not caring when she senses your fatigue. Perhaps you've heard thinly veiled hints of self-harm followed by admonitions that she doesn't know how long she could continue like this. Maybe there are sudden unexplainable times when you felt that your love for her was reciprocated in an intense, almost intoxicating way, yet almost as quickly as it arrives, that warm glow that you feel disappears in a cloud of sudden anger or irrational disappointment that's coming at you.

Even more confusing is that others who know her in the community may adore her. They have a clue about how draining this relationship can be for you and would find your reality nearly unbelievable as she can often be quite popular and well loved by coworkers, neighbors, and even strangers. You see, structure offers her a scaffolding, a role to play, and if she's the teacher or the supervisor, she can shine, but she lacks the empathy needed for closer, more intimate relationships. What this means, again, is that with structure, someone with borderline personality disorder, when that structure is provided for her, when she knows what her role is, what her duties are, what her responsibilities are, she can follow those rules exactly and be beloved, be kind, be enthusiastic. But when she leaves that structure and has to build her own, that's where she can fall apart.

And so she's not a good mother or she's not a good friend. In fact, she could be an awful friend or an awful mother no matter who she is, whether she's your mom, your sister, your partner, your friend, you can become exhausted and your own guilt can be unrelenting. And guess what? She'll encourage that.

So what does guilt sound like inside your head? "She's my mother. She raised me the best way she could. I owe her and she's getting older and isn't able to care for herself." Or, "She's my daughter. I'll never forget the day I saw her for the first time. So tiny, so trusting, she deserves the same kind of relationship I have with the other kids", but she's not like your other kids. "Even though she's my ex, I don't know how she'd treat the kids if she felt like I wasn't there for her.She flipped out when we got divorced. I can't totally abandon her ever. It's wreaking havoc between me and my now wife who of course she detests" And one more. "She was my best friend when no one else would talk to me in the eighth grade. She was there always. So why do I shudder at the thought of simply talking with her?"

Now you can hear it. Guilt. Guilt and more guilt, In

I hate you. Don't leave me the classic book on borderline personality disorder. The author state, "The borderline shifts her personality like a rotating kaleidoscope, rearranging the fragmented glass of her being into different formations". That's what we were talking about before, right? Like a chameleon, she transforms herself into any shape that she imagines will please the viewer. That's why you can think you know her, but then when you try to develop an intimate or emotionally intimate relationship with her, all of these other traits that we talked about begin to come out.

In fact, it could actually be uncanny how well someone with borderline traits can assess your own internal struggles and use those very issues to manipulate you. For example, if you're someone who takes responsibility for your actions very seriously, she may subtly or not so subtly insinuate you're falling down on the job or question whether you know what you're doing. A lot of times if I had a borderline client, maybe I hadn't slept the night before and I was a little fatigued, and she would look at me and she'd say, "Oh, you know what? We don't have to meet today. You look kind of tired." You could hear that she's zoned in on my fatigue already and she's trying to see if I'm going to tell her, "You're right, you're not important to me. Let's call off this session". Or "Of course you're important to me even though my fatigue is showing." It's a setup, but they don't realize it's a setup.

That's what's important to know. As someone who's lived and tried to love someone with this struggle, you can only be responsible for that which you can control. I wanna say that sentence again. You may be someone who's lived and tried to love someone with this borderline struggle, but you must remember you can only be responsible for that which you can control. You've probably tried multiple times to get your loved one help. And what does she do? She stops taking her meds, she gets involved with another bad relationship, or she doesn't return your text after she's threatened suicide one more time. Perhaps she even denies that she has a problem at all pointing the finger at you and stating you're not, not trying hard enough at the relationship. So here are some steps to minimize that guilt and establish those boundaries we talked about in the title of this episode.

What you need to do is one, face the fear of your own helplessness in this relationship by predicting the most feared outcome, most likely suicide or some kind of highly dramatic action and decide how you would handle it. This sort of anticipatory grief or anticipation of the worst helps you develop some kind of armor to it. I know what's probably going to happen and I won't be as hurt by it. Number two, assess whether or not she's capable of physically hurting you. Is that a rational fear on your part? If it is, seek advice from a lawyer or in an emergency, the mental health emergency services in your area if you have any. Number three, try to objectively see the damage caused to you and to other family members because someone with borderline is not going to understand the impact of her actions. You need to journal about it and see how your acknowledgement of that may influence your future actions.

But you have to claim, yes, I've been hurt, my children have been hurt, whatever it is. Here's number four. Give her back the responsibility for her own life. For example, when she calls with another crisis, say, I know you'll find a way to cope with this and get off the phone. Again, that's giving her back the responsibility for her own life and likely she'll do okay. Now, she may call you back in 20 seconds or 20 minutes, but you just have to keep reassuring her, you know you've got what it takes to handle this. Knowing that she may respond by doing some dramatic action. That's what we talked about at the very beginning. Number five is you wanna provide empathy but not sympathy. You wanna set up strict boundaries for communication, especially around hot topic issues, and then be available. If she does indeed, follow those guidelines.

Give her feedback about the positives in the relationship and what you appreciate about her. You want to know and to remember that she's probably in many ways not realizing her impact again, but you don't wanna feel sorry for her, but you can have empathy for what that must feel like. Number six, you wanna grieve the relationship that could have been acknowledge and feel the pain of that loss. Again, journaling can be very helpful here. Number seven, realize she may never have the capacity of understanding the impact she's having on you. She's not withholding something from you, she's likely not capable of giving it. So if you stop expecting that from her, perhaps she won't get hurt. Number eight is get support from others who understand or have walked the same walk. Again, books like Understanding the borderline mother, stop walking on eggshells and I hate you Don't leave me provide great strategies.

And number nine, and perhaps the most important, have compassion for yourself.

But now quickly, I want to add in some advice from an author who has borderline personality disorder herself and offer some steps for the borderline to set their own boundaries. It's a woman named Megan Glosson, and I found this on The Mighty. So this is boundary setting for the borderline herself. You wanna maintain a two-sided conversation where you listen as well as talk. So focus on listening. You want to ask people if they have the emotional bandwidth to talk to you before you start divulging something serious or telling them how dysregulated you're coming, how upset you are. Don't answer phone calls and don't text messages during your work or sleep hours. You want to pause before you respond in conversations. When you feel yourself growing what she calls dysregulated again, upset, unstable, angry, whatever it is, you wanna take certain situations to your therapist for coaching before you simply react emotionally.

You get to practice with your therapist. I loved this idea. You wanna create a list with your family members of off limit topics or friends who don't agree with your perspective and you know you're just gonna argue about it. So there's a list of topics that you agree not to talk about. You can say no to requests that feel uncomfortable or may lead to poor decisions on your part. And then this last one I really liked. You could ask people to not use your diagnosis of borderline as a weapon or an excuse to treat you poorly. And that's exactly right. Now again, some of that may be things you're perceiving erroneously, but that's not fair for someone to say, you know, you've got borderline personality disorder, you're crazy. That's gonna go nowhere. So I thought this was wonderful advice. And from someone who knows how hard it is to live with borderline personality disorder, you can hear the pragmatism in her suggestions.

Stop, wait, think, then act. I'll end with this. When I have someone as a client with borderline personality, I'll suggest they ask themselves the question, will this likely create chaos? Now, the definition of chaos might need a little work, but overall, you want to help someone stop and wait and think through things, and that's vital to healing. And if you're trying to love someone with borderline personality disorder and if they have any sense of how their behavior is impacting you and their relationships, perhaps this is a list you want to share with them. And then perhaps you could apply the stop, wait, think, and then act to yourself.

Speak pipe message from dr margaret rutherford.com.

Let's hear from the listener voicemail for today. Again, a warning is about a murder of two children. Please don't listen if that will act as a trigger for you.

Good morning. I woke up feeling guilty this morning because I wasn't able to or didn't know how to help my daughter. At her darkest moments. She wanted to kill herself and I didn't know how to help. She ended up killing her two kids and she attempted to kill herself as well. Her relationship with the kids' father was terrible. She never asked for help. She really put up a front that everything was really good. I live in California, she lived in Las Vegas, but she never said anything and I feel really, really guilty about that. I'm very sad. So the past two years I had my two grandkids pass away, and this year my mother passed away.

I've worked with parents and even grandparents who've lost children to murder, but for the mom to kill these children, that's obviously a deep, deep illness or pathology. I could guess that maybe she was hearing voices that told her to kill. That's called psychosis and the proper term is auditory hallucinations. But there's another term for killing your children. It's called philide. The most common factors are depression, including postpartum depression, psychosis, prior mental health treatment, and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it can happen because a mother believes death is in the child's best interest or she can have delusions. And again, she may be hearing these command hallucinations that tell her to kill. This can occur as a result of cumulative child abuse, neglect, or what's called Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. We won't go into that today. It's too long . Maybe I'll do an episode on it.

And actually sometimes it's a very selfish mother who believes her kid as a hindrance. We've recently heard about a woman who killed children because they weren't following her particular religious views where she saw them as filled with the devil. And this is the rarest, a mother who kills as an act of revenge against the child's father. But whatever the reason or the pathology behind it, it's horrific for those who've loved all of them. And this mama also tried to kill herself or it looked like she did this kind of grief that's also accompanied by absolute horror.

To use that word again, is so very complicated. I'm certainly going to recommend that this listener gets someone to talk to about the guilt she carries since her daughter didn't look sick. Then it's likely that she kept secret whatever was really going on with her. It could have been postpartum depression or some kind of depression that she hid. Perhaps more will be discovered. But until then, the guilt that you didn't see, this is something that I've seen as a part of many types of grief that occur from sudden loss. The fact is, your daughter didn't want you to see it. She didn't want anyone, it sounds like to see it or to see her. I'm so sorry for your loss and sad for all involved, but please turn to a therapist who knows how to work through this kind of trauma with you.

Thank you all for being here today. I know there are many ways you can spend your time and having you here at self-work means so very much. Don't forget my Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/ selfwork, and please leave me a rating, a review wherever you listen. I cannot tell you how important that is and how absolutely grateful I feel when I see a new review. Thank you again for being here. Please take very good care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been SelfWork.

 

 

 

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There are some people who can take the most difficult situations and find the humor in them. Cathy Sikorski is one of those people. I met her several years ago at a midlife bloggers association meeting and became an instant admirer. She's written a blog for years dedicated to examining the hard and hilarious life of caregiving, which she's done herself for the last twenty years.

In addition to that, she's a practicing  dealing largely in Elder Law and in today's episode, has all kinds of personal and professional/legal advice to pass on to you. She’s the author of several books, the first being “Showering with Nana."  Today we’re going to discuss two more that outline very eloquently how to talk to your loved ones about their end of life plans – or what needs to happen when dementia is in the picture: Who Moved My Teeth and Twelve Conversations: How to Talk to Almost Anyone about Long-Term Care Planning. Not the most “fun” conversation to have – but vital ones.

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My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available everywhere and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1:

Well, you and I have known each other, Kathy, gosh, for 10 years. Maybe a

Speaker 2:

Long, I, I know a long time. We've grown up a lot in the years that it's been, so I'm gonna go Yeah. A long time

Speaker 1:

. Yeah. A long time. Well, I think I met you, uh, when we were all meeting at Midlife Boulevard and that kind of thing. Right? Right.

Speaker 2:

Yep. That's what I remember in that, in Nashville, I'm gonna say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

That huge hotel ...Yeah. It was great. And I have loved your work since, um, tried to have you on as one of the first guests of self-work, and I had no idea what I was doing technically, and I botched it, and I practically was in tears and said, I'll have to have you back on. And six years later, here we are,

Speaker 2:

, hey. But you know, a lot has happened in six years, and honestly Right. This is the universe because now is a really good time for us to talk. Yes, I have, and you have refocused our work many times. Right. And the refocus has helped us be better, um, Sherpa's for people in women especially, but people, uh, in what we're trying the message that we're trying to get out. Right. And so, I'm happy that it took six years. I, I, I, yeah. Really am, because I'm better focused about what I wanna say.

Speaker 1:

Well, you are incredibly kind. Your first book that I read was showering with Nana. Yeah. And I, it brought tears to my eyes, and I, I just loved that book.

Speaker 2:

Speaker 1:

Well, for those of you who don't know, Kathy Sikorski's work, basically, I mean, she's, she's gone. And I want you to tell your story, but you've gone from being someone who was caring for a lot as I understand it, gone from a family member, a friend who was caring for a lot of people who were getting older and having those kinds of problems to then you earned your elder law degree and, and really have changed your whole life. And so I greatly admire that because it's, it's something where you have said, let me take what life has given me and then be able to have the experience on a lot of different levels, both personal and professional, so that I can really help other people. And I wanted you on, because I think this is so important, um, that we talk about, um, elder care and, um, everything you talk about, you have two new books, uh, that you sent fairly New, who Moved My Teeth, which I, after I read this, I peppered my husband with questions about, do we have that? Do we have this, do we have this? Um, and then I, I read until about 10 30 last night, uh, 12 conversations, how to talk to almost anyone about long-term planning. And so I have both of those books here with questions. Uh, so tell us a little bit about your story first.

Speaker 2:

So, so, yeah. I'm so happy that you brought up the fact that my life, what happened in my life, really informed and changed the way I decided to have a career. Yeah. Because I think, especially women, we get very feeling trampled down about what life is throwing at us and how we can't go do the thing we thought we wanted to do, or what we should be doing, or how we thought life should let us do this. That's right. Thing. Right. We feel very trampled by, by caregiving, by caring for our children, our parents, our, our, our spouses or whatever. And yet, it's an expectation that right or wrong, and a lot of times wrong, comes with just being a female, right? Mm-hmm. .

Speaker 2:

And so, I, I, I became a caregiver for eight different family and friends over the last 30 years. And honestly, this is a job for me that happened out of certainly love and respect for people in my life. My grandmother, my aunts, my, you know, my very good friend who fell down a flight of stairs and had no one to care for her, and had a traumatic brain injury. My brother-in-law, my sister passed away, and he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, the worst possible kind. And so I became his primary caregiver. So my only point being about that, that you made, which was, there were times when I was mad about that. Like, this isn't what I wanna be doing. This isn't what I think my life is supposed to be about. Right. I have dreams, I have aspirations. And it turns out that that's exactly what my dreams and aspirations were all about. It was taking my life experience and turning it into the person I wanted to be, which was this speaker, author, educator about something really important that I learned that I could share with people to help make their lives better.

Speaker 1:

Was that even close to anything that you had predicted or dreamed or wondered about that maybe that's the direction your life would go? Was it anywhere close?

Speaker 2:

No. Well, I didn't know it, but yes, because here's the thing. I wanted to be an actress. Okay? I was a theater major in college , um, for a couple years. And then I realized two things. I had a boyfriend. I couldn't spend any time with him, and I didn't, wasn't sure I could make any money being an actress, right? It, it, it's the poor girl's way to, to go about it. Maybe, I don't know. Lots of people make money and lots of money, but, so then my other dream was to be a lawyer, which is exactly what I did. Um, but in my mind it was the, the Clarence Darrow, the, you know, the big trial lawyer who's gonna save and help people by, you know, making these great trial things where, like you see on television the big surprise ending, whatever, all of which, of course has an acting component to it. May I add, right?

Speaker 1:

? Of course.

Speaker 2:

So what that means for me, really what that meant for me is two things. I really wanted to help people, and I wanted to be in front of audiences in some fashion, right? Mm-hmm. and Margaret, that's exactly what I do. Wow. That's exactly what I do. Exactly.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Wow. Mm-hmm. , it's giving me goosebumps.

Speaker 2:

Me too. .

Speaker 1:

And that's, you know, how when you say you got angry about it, it, it's, I mean, that's a lot of people to be primary caregiver for.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. .

Speaker 1:

So, I mean, can you tell us a little bit about, was there no one else? Did you just do it better than everyone? And you knew you did, did you, was it just everybody? That's the way your life turned out.

Speaker 2:

Everybody in your audience probably is a caregiver on some level, let's be honest. Mm-hmm. and, and, and the caregiving, you know, like I say, the joke is the train comes to my door and stops and everybody gets off. I mean, two things happened. Number one, like my grandmother in that book, my first book Showering with Dana, she came to live with me. And I had a two-year-old at the time. Mm-hmm. , so had a 92 year old and a

Speaker 1:

Two year, which is a hilarious book, by the way.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. They were, they definitely wanted to, you know, gang up on me and see what they could do, get away with it,

Speaker 1:

,

Speaker 2:

And it worked a lot. Um, but they, but that experience then led to, you know, other family members both on my side and my husband's side needing care. And as I'm doing this, as you remarked, I, I was a, I was a small town lawyer at the time mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And as I started to formulate my practice around elder law, which is really kind of a new area of law, it is not, it is not the ancient law of, you know, criminal law and trial law, and even a state law, which goes back hundreds of years. Elder law is new because it's, it's about Medicare and Medicaid and nursing homes and, you know, things that have been growing and growing and growing during our lifetime. Mm-hmm. . But I needed to know this stuff cuz the people I were take, I was taking care of were old people. And then I was taking care of not so old people, but who were also in a system of Medicare and Medicaid because of their illnesses, their dramatic illnesses or whatever. So I, I just had to learn it. Sure. And then I became an elder lawyer, you know, cause of that.

Speaker 1:

Is that an actual, uh, specific kind of law, specific law degree?

Speaker 2:

It isn't, it isn't a law degree. There are certifications that you, certifications take. Yes, absolutely. And there are classes now, I would say they're fairly new in law school. Law schools are now offering elder law classes. Um, and it is definitely a specialty in law for sure. Okay. It's ab and there's lots of lawyers. That's

Speaker 1:

So that's really what I do. I try to teach everyone out there why you need an elder lawyer. What is it that you need? And what is different about elder law as opposed to any other,

Speaker 1:

Well, you make that point very well. again So, but the point being that I think some of us do go on autopilot, even if we're aware of these kinds of things.

Speaker 1:

And then other people just simply don't wanna think about it. You know, I grew up the daughter of funeral director and we, I mean, death was a part of life. I heard about people dying every day. And so I have a little bit of a different take on it, I think because of that. But certainly in my practice now for a long time, I, you know, mortality is something that, an illness and losing control, I mean, it's something that we all fear so much. Look at what's happening to Bruce Willis right now. I mean, he's taking the very brave step of letting some information out about it. Fronto, frontotemporal dementia or something like that. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

. Um, and so, you know, good for him, but it's also very frightening and, uh, very, I think probably how many people have said, I'd rather just be hit by a bus than develop Alzheimer's.

Speaker 2:

So here's the thing though, it doesn't work that way. Yes. That's the problem. It doesn't work that way. And by ignoring at your peril, not taking, getting your affairs in order mm-hmm. , you really make it hard for the people who love you. That's right. And that's not what you wanna do. You don't wanna make it hard for the people who love you. And so, especially in my world where I deal with people who are sick, I deal with people who are incapacitated. So, so Bruce Willis is a perfect example of being so generous of spirit, his family, to share this diagnosis with the world, which is quite frankly, a horrific diagnosis. Yes. It's, um, to say, we've been dealing with this, we now know what it is and we're going to continue to deal with it.

Speaker 2:

But you can absolutely pretty much ensure that they have their affairs in order. So in other words, during the journey when they were trying to figure out the problem, they made sure that their powers of attorney were in order. That they, that those powers of attorney let them do what they want them to do. Because it's like you said, sure. You sort of know about it, you hear about it, you have it. But did it really do what you wanted it to do? Which is why I talk about it more specifically in the book so people know what questions to ask. What kinds of questions am I supposed to be asking about this document that somebody has shoved under my nose to sign? Right.

Speaker 1:

Let's talk a little bit about, I mean, I did not read all of who Moved My Teeth, but the, the picture of the book that I got was certainly, there's a lot of information about exactly what you just said at the beginning of the book. And then the latter part of the book is more, um, well, practical, practical, pragmatic,

Speaker 2:

Practical advice for caregivers for really Yes. When you're stepping into it, how do I talk to my person who, you know, how do I spend a whole day with someone who's quite frankly making me insane with it? The same questions, or Sure. You know, what kinds of things can I do? What are they acting crazy? Maybe they have a urinary tract infection. And I never knew about

Speaker 1:

That. I was gonna ask you about UTIs, cuz that's really a big deal. You know, before we move on too much, there's a young man I worked with several years ago now, he lived on a farm kind of complex. All his family lived together and he adored, adored his grandmother. And she was diagnosed with, uh, a terminal illness and she refused to talk with him about her dying. And I'll never forget, he came, this young man was tough as a brick, you know, and a reared on a farm and used to, I mean, he didn't, I mean, the fact that he even came to therapy was a minor miracle. But he said, it's just like there's this, she's gone, she was dead by the time he came in. And she, he said, I never got to talk to her about how I was gonna miss her and what I loved about her. And I know that's a separate topic in many ways from some of the more legal things, but not really. I mean, it's intertwined, isn't it?

Speaker 2:

But I, yes, and I love that because these legal things are an act of love.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

This is an act of love both for you as the person who is doing it. And for you as a person who's saying, mom, dad, I wanna spend time with you. I just had this conversation with two three daughters who, who have a, a podcast as well, which, which we talked about doing that. But, but they, they said we had to step in so quickly as caregivers. We didn't get the end of times as daughters.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

And, and I have read this again and again, that people would so much more rather be grandsons and daughters and loving spouses rather than caregivers trying to deal with paperwork and, you know, and hospitals and doctors and anything you can do to make the hard road, the, the, the legal road, the people, anything that you can do to make that crisis part of the road smoother, gives you time to be a loved one.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's a great point. It's such a significant one. Um, it, this the other book I talked about, 12 conversations really does pick out, you know, how do you talk to your dad? How do you talk to your mom? How do you talk to your siblings? How do you talk to your children? Um, and I I I loved a lot because you actually then have dialogue that we can read and go along with it. And you made jokes along the way. I love one of 'em called, I mean, I, I, I I dogeared it. What was it you said? Um, let see. Oh, it says, as you go through this chapter, you'll begin to understand that although this basic paperwork is crucial, it is the tip of the iceberg. And we are on the caregiving Titanic. .

Speaker 2:

Well, wow, that was good. Yeah,

Speaker 1:

That was good, wasn't it,

Speaker 2:

?

Speaker 1:

And you're right, it's inevitable. You know what's gonna happen eventually, um, I've been on a hospice board for, or I was on it for many years and, you know, heard a lot of stories about how people handle palliative care and hospice and was thinking about that as I read your books. And, um, but I, I love the specificity of, of what you talk about in who Moved My Teeth, for example. You literally have a list of 60 ways to be more patient. You know, everything from count to 10 to drink a large glass of water, change what you're doing, take a bath, put gum in your mouth, ,

Speaker 1:

Tell a joke, take a picture, order food, put lotion on you or your loved one, clean out a drawer, go through family photos, dance, bake color, and a coloring book. Tell a story. I mean, it's just these, I love the specificity of this.

Speaker 2:

And that gives not only you control, but the, but your loved one. Right. Right. So whether they have dementia or they're just ill, or they're just homebound or, you know, everyone doesn't have dementia, Margaret or, you know, caregiving isn't isn't just for those people with dementia. Like, it, it, it extends itself to lots of different kinds of people and their, their challenges. But if you are, for instance, coloring with them, it just gives them some control. Here's your page, here's my page. You can pick your crayon, you can pick your colored pencil. And even that, that little tiny weird thing of the two of you sitting there, you know, adult coloring was a big deal. Okay. Several years ago. Right.

Speaker 1:

Especially during the pandemic. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

. Yes. And it's or puzzling. Right. Putting puzzles together, it's because two things. Number one, it's, it's kind of like, uh, what's that called? Parallel play. Mm-hmm. . Right? So, so you're both doing something, you're both feeling in control of the situation, and yet you're not necessarily having to engage, which sometimes disengaging is good, right?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2:

So, so any of those things is, is yes, certainly to, helpful to you as the caregiver, but it's probably also helpful to the person you're caring for as well. Mm-hmm. . And they have much less control over the situation than you do, let's be honest.

Speaker 1:

And, and them accepting that I, I recently had a, um, a benign tumor removed and my son, who's 28, came and stayed for three weeks to help take care of me cuz it was a more serious surgery and that kind of thing. And we sat down and had a talk about, okay, let's, let's talk about what's in our future and you know, you are our only child and you know, what, what comes to you now? And he looked at us and said, well, I think I'm probably gonna have to move to Fable, Arkansas, or y'all going to move where I am. One of the two eventually. And, and we talked about timing and, and I decided after reading your book that the next time he comes, I'm gonna ask him to stay another day and go over, go to our lawyers with us and talk about these documents that we've signed that he's named in. But he was, what he was 16 or 17 when we did them. Right.

Speaker 2:

So

Speaker 1:

He needs to hear about it and know what's going on. And, and I, I loved that taking, that was my own personal takeaway from your book. Excellent. And I, I think that that is so important for people. And, and again, doing it when you're 40, I mean, uh, waiting, you know, oh, I'll do that when I'm 85. Well, you don't know what you're gonna be like at 85

Speaker 2:

And what you do at 40 is not what you're gonna need to do at 60. Right. It's very different. So if you did it at 40, you and you're 60, you need to take a second look.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You need to really, what

Speaker 1:

Do you think, what do you think is the, is the most common either error in thinking or behavior or both that people,

Speaker 2:

Well, the, the most common is not doing anything. Right. That's the most common. So, so if anybody who's listening to this now says, okay, I didn't do anything. I'm, I need to go do something, then yes, please go do that. Get your powers of attorney, get your wills, get your advanced directives. Just get them, get them. Mm-hmm. , um, and talk to an attorney about what you need and what your desires are. Specifically, I'd say the second most, um, common error is people who have done them, did them 10, 20, 15, 30 years ago. Especially people who have little children, they panic. I want someone to take care of my kids. If anything happens to me, I wanna make sure they have money if anything happens to me. And that's wonderful. And then they, you know, I always say they take that and they shove it into their underwear drawer and then you never see it again. . And you need to take it out of the underwear drawer, like

Speaker 1:

That old pair of underwear you used to be able to get into. But

Speaker 2:

Exactly. This is where I held up the granny panties and say, you need the granny panties of the wills. It's fresh, it's clean and it covers everything. . That's what you need to do. So that's the second biggest problem is people don't update their documents and boy have things changed. There's a thing now, um, it's called rufi. I wish I could remember what it stands for without looking it up. But what it's about is giving someone access to your digital information if you are sick and incapacitated, which is really important. Or quite frankly, if you're dead. Right. Yeah. And that information, that acknowledgement that yes, I'm giving this person access, has to be in those documents. Not the password so much, but yes, this person has the authority to get into my digital assets. And then when your son comes Margaret, show him where you keep your passwords, which, you know, online

Speaker 1:

Is, I don't see him anywhere. I keep online my

Speaker 2:

Head . Right. Online isn't great and in your head is even worse. .

Speaker 1:

Well, so what I did, I I sort of, the night before the surgery I went, what, wait a minute, what if something happens? And so I gave him the major passwords I could think about and we both kind of cried. And, and then I said, you know, but I, I should have all those written down somewhere or can

Speaker 2:

Somewhere. I mean, everyone says don't write them down, but truthfully, if you can't get into your computer where your passwords are, not having them written down doesn't help you. Right. Right. So you at least have to have your basic passwords somewhere where your loved one can have access to it, but legally also give them access to it. I see. In your documents. And that's new. That's not even in, I don't, pretty sure that's not in my first book. It's probably in my sec, my second or third book. Um, but things keep changing and that's why you need to keep looking at these documents, say every five years or so. Cause life changes.

Speaker 1:

You know, I also, um, my dad was always really sad because after his dad died and his dad died when he was 15, there was such family uproar about the will mm-hmm. Right. But it ripped the family apart. And I think a lot of the suggestions that you make are trying to say, you know, you could be that family where siblings don't talk to each other anymore after someone is either you're, you're having to decide about caregiving or, or you're having to decide about, you know, death issues or what's gonna happen after death. It, it can rip families apart like nothing I've ever seen really before.

Speaker 2:

Um, and so you, your work in my work are the same in that regard because in the sense that communication mm-hmm. is always going to be the key. Right. Right. You have to, you have to tell your children and your, it's so funny that you're saying this cuz I just, my mother's 90 fours down the street from me, and she's a pip and a half, and your listeners can go see us on TikTok if you want. I do fun little videos with my mom all the time. on TikTok. Um, and they're just, that's all I do is videos with my mom, who's 94. And she's so hilarious. Um, but I just said to myself self, I said, we need, although her will is very recent, I would say five years old, I wanna look at it again because I'm not sure it does what she wants it to do based on conversations that we've been having. So let's look at it. Right. Let's talk to my siblings and, you know, let's see what it, you gotta have, you have to, at least this is the other thing that you asked me that I sort of didn't mention is people just like you said, don't wanna talk about this. Yeah. It's scary, it's uncomfortable, but, you know, that's why we

Speaker 1:

Have, and also, uh, it, I mean, my brother died three year, three and a half years ago. It also, you, you can't talk about it without your own feelings about mortality or getting ill or losing control or, you know, these things that we fear that we just distract ourselves from and, you know, either have another beer or watch another baseball game mm-hmm. or go out and, you know, hunt something or fish something. Mm-hmm. So that we're in control or, or vape or whatever we do, um, to, to distract ourselves from the reality.

Speaker 1:

Right. You don't, you don't get outta dying. Right. So, um, it's, I I just think that these conversations are, they really can be trust builders. They can be things that, that offer clarity, that offer trust, that offer a sense. And as you point out a sense of control to the person who is older and realizes that they have a disease that is going to weaken them or, or cause their life to be something that frankly, you know, they wish did, hadn't happened to them, uh, like Bruce Willis. But at the same time it can, and we don't get to pick. So it, it's not like going to a, a restaurant and saying, oh, I'll have that. You know, it's just not like that. And,

Speaker 2:

But it's in the same vein, it's much harder to have a disease than it is to have a conversation about what happens if I have a disease.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

It's not that hard. My friends, which is why I wrote the 12 conversations book. Yeah. It's really not that hard. It's five or six simple questions you need to ask yourself about what you want, what you think you wanna do, um, and then get a lawyer to write it up for you. It don't make it harder than it needs to be.

Speaker 1:

Speaker 1:

Number one, there is nothing that is more mentally health challenging than being a caregiver. Mm-hmm. . It is, it is so hard. And I I I encourage you desperately to, if you have, especially if you have mental health benefits at your work or you know, in your insurance or whatever to use them because caregiving is a mental health stress. Do not think that it's not because it is. That's

Speaker 1:

As many people found out during the pandemic when it was all of a sudden 24 7 kind of

Speaker 2:

In your face. Yes, exactly. And if you are not yet a caregiver, but you see it coming down the road and you just happen to be going to a therapist, talk to them about that mm-hmm. , talk to them about this piece of your life that you see coming for you. And maybe if you're having challenges having that conversation with that person, or you yourself don't wanna do it, but you know, it has to be done, maybe you can get some tactics, some tools, because this is also about Sure the legal tools are important. That's what I'm here to tell you about. Get those legal tools. But it's also the communication tools, you know, the stress tools. There's so many tools that you need as a caregiver, and there's lots of people out there who can help you with that.

Speaker 1:

I, I, I also, before we, before we stop, I wanna make the point, I I, you're right. Caregiving you, you think, oh, I'm just taking mom to get her hair done, or Oh, I'm just taking dad to the post office, or I'm just doing this, or I'm just doing that. But those things add up mm-hmm. , and you've got children of your own, or you've got a job of your own or you've got a home of your own or you, you live two hours away or whatever it happens to be. You're right. It's, we can minimize, oh, this is, this shouldn't be, uh, you know, I'm just doing that. But they're, when you're just doing four or five or 10 or 12 or 15 or 20 of those things a month, then that's a lot. And it changes your life. And it can definitely impact the relationship you're in with a spouse or a partner. Um, and actually they may be going through something similar with their parents.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm. ,

Speaker 1:

So, or aunts or uncles or whomever, grandparents. So it's just a conversation about it and, and to say, gosh, this is, you know, maybe people say, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm loyal, this is what I'm supposed to do. But that doesn't mean you have to, you know, you can't grieve it or feel different feelings about it other than, you know, I, I, I just, I just have to do this. It's, it's like, it's more complex than that.

Speaker 2:

Agreed. It is more complex than that. And you need to grant yourself the grace to understand that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Wow. What, how have you changed in, in, in taking care of these folks that you've loved or you've cared for being an elder law, um, specialist Now? What, what, I mean, how have you changed Kathy?

Speaker 2:

Um, I,

Speaker 1:

Being an author, a speaker.

Speaker 2:

. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I've changed my career. That's for one. Um, honestly, this is, I don't know if this is terrible or not. Some part of me, it, my, my psychological part of me says it probably is, but I, I've actually become kind of a tough love caregiver in a lot of ways. Mm.

Speaker 1:

You mentioned that

Speaker 2:

The, the empathy is great, but the practicality is hard. And it's okay for you to recognize that and, and to have expectations of others. Not the person that you're caring for, the person who should be helping you, the person, you know, even your partner. Um, it's okay to have expectations of others. And I think I often when I'm teaching that, that often becomes a question. Um, you know, but my mom won't talk about this or I can't, she won't go to the doctor or whatever. And I'm like, you, you have two choices. You can take the tough love perspective that this is what we're going to do if I'm gonna be your helper, or you can tell them that they will have to suffer the consequences of that action. And you have to be okay with that. Yeah. So, wow, tough love caregiving is hard. Mm-hmm. . But it might be harder to be super empathetic and not allow yourself to realize that sometimes the person you're caring for also has to take the consequences of their

Speaker 1:

Actions. And it's really, I what comes to mind is sort of the age old. You, you have to parent your parents kind of thing. Mm-hmm. that one of the points, for example you made in the book was if there's a paid caregiver and your parent is being demeaning to them or saying things that aren't appropriate, that you have to say, you know, it's better to say, mom, you can't talk to Jane like that. Right. Or you, you need to apologize for what you just said, or Yes, that's not appropriate. Jane will leave and we really like Jane, and Jane does a good idea. Yes. Jane does a good, uh, job with you and for you and, and we can talk out what you don't like about Jane, but you know, talk about it with me. And then maybe if we need to make another agreement with Jane, that's one thing, but don't play out your, whatever is going on with you and, and say things to Jane that, that aren't helpful.

Speaker 2:

The other thing, and that's so important. Yes. The, the other thing that I'd like to bring up that I have changed, not changed my viewpoint amount, but have, have really put into practice and want more women, especially to do this, is get paid for your caregiving. Yes. If your parents would pay Jane, they should pay you. Right. Especially if you don't have Jane coming, if you are doing all of it. And if you are taking a f, especially if you're taking a financial hit, if you have, you know, gone from full-time to part-time work, if you have quit your job to take care of them, if you moved into their house and got rid of your apartment or you're paying rent over there, but living with them, if you are taking a financial hit and they have assets, they should pay you. And you get a signed paid caregiver agreement to protect all the parties.

Speaker 2:

But that's really important. There are far too many unpaid family caregivers who can and should be paid. And we are recycling this, this, uh, women get to the point then in their lives where they have no retirement, they have no right savings. They have no, because they stepped out of the workforce to be a caregiver 1, 2, 3, 7, 9 times, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And there are even me ways to pay someone if your parents have no assets and Medicaid will pay, they will pay family caregivers. There are lots of organizations that have cropped up. Again, I said, do things change in the last two to five years that are now making sure you can get paid as a family caregiver. So, so that's the other thing that I, I have learned and I have changed my mind about that. Yes, this is great to be about love, but there's nothing wrong with getting paid.

Speaker 1:

Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm wonderful point and very important point. So, well, after six years, I'm really glad we finally had this conversation. It feels

Speaker 2:

Two more great.

Speaker 1:

Like it's a little bit different a conversation than we would've had six years ago. So

Speaker 2:

Very much yes.

Speaker 1:

That's, um, that's to everyone's benefit I think. So I thank you so much. How can people get in touch with you to speak or to teach or, um, just

Speaker 2:

To, so yeah, so if you're in a workplace, in a corporate workplace, that would be awesome to have me come in and help teach your, your team about not only caregiving, but what benefits you may have at work that you're not using to help caregivers. And that what you could bring into work. Uh, if you want to just, you know, look at my books Kathy Sikorski and see my name on the screen there. Just type that in. I come up for the first three pages on Google, but I'm on Amazon, so all my books are available on Amazon. And my website, which is being recreated as we speak, um, is kathy sikorsky.com. Um, and that's c a t h y s i k o r s k i kathy sikorsky.com. Um, and anytime you have a question, Kathy sikorski kathy dot sikorski gmail.com, you are free to email me. I love to interact with people who have questions and I will answer them as best I can and guide you to the resources that can really help you.

Speaker 1:

Kathy, I admire you so much. Thank you very, very much. And you are really funny. So, and

Speaker 2:

You told me about

Speaker 1:

That, that it's so important to keep your sense of humor.

Speaker 2:

Please. You guys, you gotta laugh about this cause it's, it's, first of all, it's a laugh worthy and second of all, if you're not laughing, you're doing something else. You don't wanna do

Speaker 1:

. You know, my dad used to say, uh, cuz he just infirmity after infirmity after disease after problem. He looked at me one time when he was about 81 or two and he said, you know, Margaret, God's not supposed to give you more than you can bear, but I gotta talk to God because he's way overestimating my abilities. .

Speaker 2:

Yes. I'm on your dad's side. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

If

Speaker 2:

He, if he ever figured out how to do that conversation, you should put that out there,

Speaker 1:

. Well, I'm not sure he did, but , thank you so, so

Speaker 2:

Very much. So great to spend time with you. I really loved it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, me too. Bye. Bye.

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This interview focuses on suicide prevention so please listen carefully. Here are the international suicide prevention crisis numbers (USA is not 988).

I want to read you the first part of the email I sent to our guest today for SelfWork.

"Katrina good morning. I’m the host of The SelfWork Podcast and I just saw the CBS Sunday Morning interview about your mom, the way she died, and your actions since it happened. Let me say I’m so sorry about the struggles your mom had all her life and how her bipolar disorder could take her in such destructive directions, ending in her suicide."

"I’d love to interview you for SelfWork. I very much admire what you’re doing and think it’s such a brilliant way of working through the complete mess that gun control conversations can create. It’s positive. Proactive. And I know many of my own clients would’ve signed up."

Who is Katrina Brees? She’s a grieving daughter turned activitist. And I think she’s come up with a brilliant way of bridging the debate over gun control versus the Second Amendment  - as far as it pertains to suicide.

It’s called Donna’s Law. That was her mother’s name. And her mother, who hated guns and had often hospitalized herself because she was suicidal, killed herself with a gun.

This week you may notice a new sponsor of SelfWork! It’s the Jordan Harbinger show – and the ad is in a different format – what’s called an introcast - so that you can listen to that information in just a couple of minutes! I’ve found his show entertaining and intrigiuing and more than welcome his team to SW!

Vital Links! 

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1: (00:10)
This is Self-Work, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford at Self-Work. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and Self-Work is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own self-work.

Speaker 1: (00:29)
Hello and welcome or welcome back to Self-Work. I'm Dr. Margaret, and I'm so glad you're here. Before we get to the actual intro for this interview, I wanna make sure you know that it focuses on suicide prevention, so please listen carefully. We have a great interview today. Maybe a little controversial, but I certainly hope not. I want to read you the first part of the email I sent to our guest today for self-work. Her name is Katrina Breeze. Katrina, good morning. I'm the host of the Self-Work podcast, and I just saw the CBS Sunday morning interview about your mom, the way she died, and your actions since it happened. Let me say, I'm so sorry about the struggles your mom had all her life and how her bipolar disorder could take her in such destructive directions ending in her suicide. I've heard many stories and have my own concern and passion about how destructive perfectionism and suicide are linked, but that's not the point of this email.

Speaker 1: (01:28)
This morning, I'd sat down to write an episode on suicide, but I decided to switch on CBS's Sunday morning and saw your interview. That's all the synergy I needed to find out how to reach out to you. I'd love to interview you for self-work. I very much admire what you're doing and think it's such a brilliant way of working through the complete mess that gun control conversations can create. It's positive, proactive, and I know many of my own clients would've signed up. That was my email. Now, who is Katrina Breeze? She's a grieving daughter turned activist, and I think she's come up with a brilliant way of bridging the gun debate, as well as the debate about the Second Amendment as far as it pertains to suicide. Her mother was named Donna, and it's called Donna's Law. And her mother who hated guns and had often hospitalized herself because she was suicidal, killed herself with a gun.

Speaker 1: (02:25)
Here's some facts you may not know before you turn off. Hold on. Firearms are the most common means of suicide in 2020. Firearms were used in 53% of suicides with 24,292 gun suicide victims annually. This is a leading cause of death for Americans... That's more than 66 people each day. Many suicide attempts are impulsive, and the vast majority of survivors do not keep trying until they succeed. But people who choose firearms as their suicide method very rarely survive. About 85% of gun suicide attempts end in death. Donna's law, also known as the "voluntary do not sell list", gives a person the option to voluntarily and confidentially put their own names into the federal background check system to prevent impulsive gun purchases for a suicide attempt. Donna Nathan should have been able to have suspended her own ability to buy a gun, and that's what we're talking about today. I think it's an incredible solution to a very sticky problem. Before we hear from Katrina, here's a quick message from BiOptimizers Magnesium Breakthrough.

Speaker 1: (03:49)
Hey guys, I wanna share with you that recently I've been working on some very important projects that have very short deadlines, as always, right? Seems everything today is a sap anyway, I have not been able to keep up with all of my self-care routine. I certainly haven't had breaks to have proper meals, and I'm drinking way too much ice tea. I was starting to get really stressed out when I remembered that the magnesium breakthrough I take every night is also a great support for stress management. I'd kind of forgotten that. In fact, magnesium is responsible for over 300 body reactions, and magnesium breakthrough is the only magnesium formula that delivers all seven different forms of magnesium. I didn't know there were seven forms, one of them being feeling more calm, centered and in control of our stress. If you are trying to balance life demands, give it a try. Trust me, your mind and your body will thank you for it. What you can do is visit mag breakthrough.com/ self-work and order now. Oh, and addition to the discount you get by using promo code 10, so that's different self work, 10. They're also amazing gifts with purchase. That's why I love shopping at BiOptimizers. Again, go to mag breakthrough.com/self work to get your magnesium breakthrough and find out this month's gift with purchase.

Speaker 1: (05:12)
Again, I wanna stress Katrina's not talking about limiting gun sales to anyone, but people who want to voluntarily say, I don't need to buy a gun. So I hope you'll listen to her story. She's passionate and she wants to save people like her mom. Katrina, can you tell SelfWork listeners about why you are, you know, of course about your mother and then how you're using her death as a momentum for this incredible project and incredible legislation?

Speaker 2: (05:55)
Sure. Um, I'll start with what the legislation is. Um, Donna's law is a voluntary tool that people can use to prevent themselves from purchasing a gun. Mm-hmm. . So it enables somebody to put themselves on a list that is confidential, reversible, and does not interfere with the second Amendment in order to prevent an impulsive gun purchase in an episode of suicidality or, or for whatever other reason they want to prohibit themselves from guns, um, from a gun sale. And, um, I lost my mom in 2018 to an impulsive gun suicide. She picked up her phone and she typed in how to hang herself and Google told her that the better idea would be to buy a handgun. Yeah. Um, then helped direct her to the closest gun store where she essentially pressed go on her phone and was dead. Very shortly after that, she took it to the park and she shot herself. I had no idea at that time that it was that easy to buy a gun where we live. I, it, it is still shocking to me and completely uncomfortable that I live in a place where it is that easy and that fast to buy a gun. Um, even for somebody that has absolutely no training, um, no license, no waiting period. Right. Um, she had been, uh, in psychiatric hospitalization three times before this that did not. And

Speaker 1: (07:41)
She had gone voluntarily for those. Correct. She, because she really wanted help and she knew she had bipolar disorder and she accepted that and she was working with her doctors, and there were times when she was really well, I mean, well mm-hmm. , she was doing great. She was managing bipolar disorder well mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (07:59)
. Yeah. Uh, and our family really did everything and she did everything, and she was very knowledgeable. Our our family has many doctors in it. We were very supportive. Um, we were on top of it every day. . Yeah. Um, my mom's partner, even during this episode that she was having quit his job and stayed home all day long with her to supervise her, and it still wasn't enough. Mm-hmm. Um, because it was just minutes away from her being able to get a gun. And, um, so I mean, immediately after this happened to my family, I was like, how could this be like? Right. I talked to some lawyer friends that had guns, and I was like, do, "How could my mom be sold a gun after she was in the psychiatric hospital?" This, you know, I thought that was impossible. And, um, everything about the gun sale was legal. And, um, at that point I was just completely committed to, to changing that and, um, used the massive tidal wave of energy, that grief and trauma. That's right. And shock . And I surfed this, that wave of energy into Donna's law immediately. I mean, within, within 24 hours of knowing about her death, I was having conversations with, um, the gun policy maker for Amnesty International, and we were conceiving this legislation. Um, it was it very immediate that, that I chose to This

Speaker 1: (09:51)
Is how you were grieving. I mean, this is how

Speaker 2: (09:53)
You Yeah. And I was, I was scared too of, of, um, other ways that I could get into to, I don't know, process that trauma. Um, you know, I've, uh, I have a lot of friends that have experienced trauma, and I've watched them after that make their lives worse in a lot of ways. Yes,

Speaker 1: (10:18)
It

Speaker 2: (10:19)
Can. And having something like this happen, it was so obvious how I could make my life worse immediately to me, . Uh, and, uh, and, and

Speaker 1: (10:30)
That happens a lot in a family. That happens in with friends that happens, you know, in communities. Um, there's certainly, uh, a there can I say my words this morning? There's certainly an, an acknowledgement and a in a lot of research has gone into that, that people hear that someone died by suicide, and then they think, well, then I will, you know? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. It's, it's, it's, um, the person who dies by suicide doesn't mean for that to happen. It's not an intentional act to try to, uh, create that dynamic, but it does create that dynamic.

Speaker 2: (11:04)
Yes. Um, I was shocked by how loud the voice to shoot myself was immediately after that. And, um, thank you. And I, I knew the gun store, the gun dealer's business card was left on my mom's passenger seat. I had like, so many fantasies of going over there and buying a gun and shooting myself and, um, pushing myself into doing Donna's law brought into my life, many survivors of similar tragedies. Um, and, um, like with Mom's Demand Action, I mean, there I felt like all of a sudden I had a million moms that had wanted to .

Speaker 1: (11:58)
Well, you know, it, it also, for years we've had, um, we've had a policy in place where gambling people with gambling addictions can mm-hmm. can sign up at the, at the casinos, don't let me in the door, you know? Mm-hmm. , uh, they're literally barring themselves from gambling. And it's something that, uh, they do voluntarily and they do because they know it's a problem. And, and it's something about putting that hurdle in front of it. They can, again, renege on it and say, okay, I, I wanna take my name off, but it's completely voluntary. And that's exactly what you're saying. One of the reasons why I, you know, I, I live in a state where there are a lot of people. I, I live in Arkansas and there are a lot of people that have guns. There are a lot of people, you know, I have guns all over the United States, but this is not about challenging that.

Speaker 1: (12:45)
It's about challenging the idea that, um, so many firearms deaths are suicides, 60 to 65% of them, I think mm-hmm. Suicides. And we tend to think of it, the homicidal part of it, and we don't think of the suicidal part of it. So in, in essence, you're saying someone with major depression or someone who literally has just gone through some trauma themselves and realized that's beginning to crop up in their thinking. They don't have to have a diagnosis of a mental illness. It's simply that they know they are in a bad place, and it is a prohibition for them. Uh, it's like alcoholics not going in a, in a bar , you know? Mm-hmm. , uh, I know I can't, you know, I may not be able to resist that thought, and so I'm going to prohibit myself. I'm gonna stop myself before I even get started.

Speaker 2: (13:34)
Yeah. I wanted to, um, add two things I've learned about the things you're talking about is, uh, one in Pennsylvania right now, there is a bill to enable people to opt out of their ability to purchase alcohol from, uh, really I believe a state, a state liquor store. Um, so, uh, this type of, um, self contract is sometimes called a Ulysses Pact, um, from Homer, the Odyssey that, um, he ties himself to the boat to avoid the, the songs of the sirens and is able to like survive. I guess I haven't read the book . Um, and then the other thing I wanted to point out, uh, um, the gambling one is everyone who has talked to me about being on the list of the gambling prohibition is also someone who is bipolar. And, um, destroying one's finances is often something that can happen easily when someone is a, in an psychotic episode or in a mania. Um, so p people who know that, that there are times where they will make, um, better decisions and there will be times that they'll make worse decisions, um, I believe should be able to utilize these tools. Um, and I hope there becomes more of them. I love the idea of someone being able to, to stop their ability to buy alcohol. Yes. Um, I mean, what a beautiful tool that is.

Speaker 1: (15:08)
Now three states have passed Donna's law, correct?

Speaker 2: (15:12)
Yes. Virginia, Utah, and Washington.

Speaker 1: (15:15)
Tell me about your mom.

Speaker 2: (15:17)
She was very funny and she was very smart, educated, worldly. She loved music and dance. She was so generous to everybody. She had a huge heart for any animal, whether it was a lizard or a human. If it was suffering, she would be the first to intervene and try and protect that creature. Um, she was, uh, she had a lot of struggle with, um, mental illness throughout her life and worked incredibly hard to protect herself from suicide, um, which made Donna's life even more obvious because she really was an incredible advocate for her own mental health care, and so was I. And so was her partner. And, um, uh, there was a lot of strength in her, in her care circle. Mm-hmm. . Um, she had recently had a step grand baby that she was super excited about, and there was another one coming and, um,

Speaker 1: (16:38)
Oh, I can see that's a, that's a very tender spot. Yeah.

Speaker 2: (16:41)
Yeah. Like, it's like, I just know she didn't wanna miss that. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: (16:47)
Mm-hmm. And that's the thing, one of the, somebody listening who doesn't know a lot about bipolar disorder or mental illness in general is that when those, I'll call them voices or that energy or that impulsivity, when, when it is going on, you can completely lose sight of who you are at your most stable. It's almost as if there's a part of you that gets turned off. Um, mm-hmm. , did she have any psychotic episodes, or did she just have the bipolar disorder

Speaker 2: (17:21)
In the last year of her life? She had, um, very obvious psychotic episodes. Okay. And things like hearing voices. Right. And, um, extreme paranoia. Um,

Speaker 1: (17:37)
Mostly when she was manic,

Speaker 2: (17:41)
I, the, the end of her life, I guess it's like mixed state. Okay. Um, it, she was pretty much in like a panic attack for three months and she didn't sleep. And I would say insomnia played a big part in it. And, um, yeah, I mean, she wasn't, she wasn't really making any bad decisions. She was really just like in her house suffering. There

Speaker 1: (18:13)
Were a lot of Okay. She was fighting, fighting, fighting.

Speaker 2: (18:15)
Yeah. There was a lot of physical things happening to her also, um, with, uh, the medications that they were trying on her. And she had very intense tremors, and her hands shook so bad that, um, for the last several months of her life, she couldn't hold a fork because she would just stab her face and she had to eat all her food with like a, like her paw mm-hmm. , um, just bringing it to her mouth and, um, she couldn't write very well, um, because her hands were shaking, um, which made it even more offensive that a gun dealer would sell her a gun.

Speaker 1: (19:04)
Right, right. Uh, it is almost, it's impossible that she could have curbed all that and walked in and been looking much more normal. And obviously there were some things going on there that the gun dealer would've noticed. Mm-hmm. , what, what has establishing this, um, well, what, let me ask you this. What are y'all doing currently? Um, it's, the bill has been introduced to Congress, but they have not done anything. Is that, is that correct?

Speaker 2: (19:32)
Well, they've done a lot, but it hasn't progressed

Speaker 1: (19:36)
. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2: (19:37)
But they do invest a lot of resources that I appreciate, and there are offices there that are very busy working, so to say they've done nothing, um, wouldn't be fair to the, to the efforts.

Speaker 1: (19:50)
Did you get a lot of of feedback from your CBS um, interview? I bet you did.

Speaker 2: (19:55)
Oh, yeah. And so positive, I mean, I, I didn't get anything negative. I mean, I probably got like 200 emails that were so supportive and, um, lots more like interviews like with you and, uh, I love podcasting, so other podcasts and, um, other news sources and, um, it's also, it's made me realize like a lot of people were like, I wanna bring this to my state, which is amazing, but, um, I did not. Well,

Speaker 1: (20:31)
How do people do that? That's what I was gonna ask you next.

Speaker 2: (20:33)
Well, that was the next piece of work I had to do. So I created a Donna's Law Starter Pack the last couple weeks, and I've been creating all the templates and strategies for people to be able to do that in the most efficient, um, no cost way. Mm-hmm. . Um, and so essentially it just involves, um, choosing who the potential sponsors in your state could be, which will most likely be someone who has already sponsored a suicide prevention bill. Um, looking, also, another option of who it could be is, um, someone that's on the committee that will be determining whether this moves forward or not, um, because they have a stake in it and they have relationships with other people on that committee. Um, so it's, it, it's pretty fast to just identify a very small amount of people in a state and then just try to send them some of the letters that I've created templates for. And I feel like, um, excuse me, uh, I feel like I've created something that someone can hopefully just put a couple minutes into, a couple times a month and, um, perhaps if the climate's right in their state, bring it forward.

Speaker 1: (22:00)
How has, I mean, how have you grieved your mom?

Speaker 2: (22:04)
Um, I don't, I don't, I can't, I don't have like another dead mom to compare it to , so

Speaker 1: (22:10)
You're funny .

Speaker 2: (22:13)
So I'm not sure what it's like otherwise, but I do feel like it's been an incredible privilege and opportunity to have the support of the media at very difficult times and moments in my grief. And a lot of those people like you are in the mental health field, talk to me, um, and asking me specific questions that make me think and that lead my thinking into, um,

Speaker 1: (22:52)
Uh,

Speaker 2: (22:52)
How, how I was able to use this to help me, you know? And I think that one of the big things is not feeling shame. That's right. Not not feeling like zero shame. Like, I have zero shame that my mom shot herself. I mean, I have a stack of shames, and this is not on the list.

Speaker 1: (23:16)
, it's not even in the list. It's, it's not even the, what is that old fairy tale? The princess and the pea it's not even the pea . Right. .

Speaker 2: (23:26)
Um, so I, I assume that's beneficial. Um, it's been amazing to see my mom's picture like being waived at Congress by representatives. And, and there's this part of all this that feels like my mom is kind of like an organ donor. Like, like, because like she gets to donate her story and her photo, and that is so valuable to legislation.

Speaker 1: (24:06)
She is the person that, she's Donna, I mean, she mm-hmm. , she, her, her life and her death, the way she lived her life and, and then the way she killed herself is going to be honored. Uhhuh is honored by this law. There are... there's people's lives that she will save.

Speaker 2: (24:27)
Yeah. And, um,

Speaker 1: (24:28)
And you'll save by the way.

Speaker 2: (24:30)
Thank you. And you'll save as well. Um, I think that another aspect of it is like, when this first happened, um, I was dating this guy and he had this really great family, and one of my feelings like right away was like, "Oh my God, like his family is gonna think I'm, you know, unstable and Right. They're probably gonna think that I'm gonna do it, and now they know my mom is how she is." And I just felt like I can't, I can't let this be the end of my mom's story because that doesn't, that doesn't feel good to me for the end of her story to be that. Then she put a bullet in her head alone in a park. Um, but having the end of her story be that then she became a law that empowered people with a tool for self-defense

Speaker 1: (25:40)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (25:41)
Against one of the most common ways that people die in our country

Speaker 1: (25:50)
And the most lethal the most, yeah. Yeah. The most, the, the, the quote unquote best way to Yeah. As Google told your mom.

Speaker 2: (25:59)
And, um, another, another way that it's really helped me is, um, well meeting amazing people that really care about this and are willing to talk about it, because I can't really like be talking about gun suicide on like dates and stuff all the time. .

Speaker 1: (26:17)
Yeah. Now, you know, the world of a, a therapist, some people go, no, can't you talk about something else?

Speaker 2: (26:22)
. Right, right.

Speaker 1: (26:24)
Are you any fun?

Speaker 2: (26:25)
Right. But, and I'm like, but this is inspiring and innovative . Um, another way that it's really helped me is, um, meeting advocates of the bill that are bipolar people that have experienced suicidality and want to opt out of their ability to purchase a gun. Mm-hmm. . And through meeting them, it's really helped me understand what my mom was going through. And it's given me so much more respect for her. And I regret that in her life. I thought that she should work harder to hold it together. Yeah. Because now I realize that she was working as hard as she could

Speaker 1: (27:11)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (27:12)
And that she was holding a lot together.

Speaker 1: (27:16)
You know, I, I think with any, any kind of chronic mental illness, it's, that is a, that is a fight in and of itself because it is the chronicity of it and people watch you dealing with it and they don't know how hard you, you know, how hard it is to get outta bed or how hard it is to control those impulses or to deal with hearing voices. I mean, it's just, and that was her every day. Mm-hmm. . And I think it's difficult for other people to understand and so that you've gotten a firsthand account from these folks about Yeah. It is a, it is a huge job to, to control this kind of illness.

Speaker 2: (27:55)
Yeah. Um,

Speaker 1: (27:57)
Or try to control it.

Speaker 2: (27:59)
Yeah. And also, um, being able to say that my mom shot herself is something that was not allowed on, on the news four years ago. Really. And I have, yeah. I mean, even when I go on YouTube to watch my own interview on CBS Sunday morning, it gives me two content warnings and a recommendation for the suicide helpline. Just cuz I wanna watch my own interview mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: (28:27)
mm-hmm. .

Speaker 2: (28:29)
I mean that is, but I can, I mean, I can see some horrific scene from the Ukraine war and the media doesn't mind showing me that mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: (28:39)
.

Speaker 2: (28:40)
Um, so

Speaker 1: (28:41)
That's a great point.

Speaker 2: (28:42)
But my mom deserves some of the credit for how this conversation has really opened up and, um, given the country a way to talk about it that isn't so depressing and is kind of inspiring . Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: (28:55)
, it's more than kinda of inspiring. It's inspiring.

Speaker 2: (28:59)
Thank you very much. Um, so Donna's law isn't just gonna protect the, that 65% mm-hmm. , um, from suicide. It's also gonna protect people from accidentally, or not accidentally, but in an episode to shoot somebody that they love. Mm-hmm. , I mean, I was think, I was looking at data today about the percentage of men that shoot themselves after shooting their domestic partner. And it, it was, um, I can't remember the state, but it was 59%. And I thought about it and one of the things I do in my work is I don't fight for gun control. I'm not fighting and I'm definitely not fighting gun enthusiasts about it. No.

Speaker 1: (29:45)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (29:46)
, um, I compassion for, um, gun violence prevention and that compassion starts with me compassion for the other person if I expect them to compassion for me. And so I was looking at that data today about men who shoot their partner and I thought if I had just shot my partner, I would want to shoot myself

Speaker 1: (30:10)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (30:10)
, you know, like, what a sad thing. I mean, what an awful, horrific thing to experience mm-hmm. to shoot your partner. And I wanna protect those people too.

Speaker 1: (30:25)
Well, you know, I'm thinking as you were talking about this, advocating for greater awareness and acceptance that this is what's happening. Uh, I have noticed, uh, and again, I, I live in a pretty conservative state, but I have noticed that when more and more people who are dying by suicide, their families are choosing to include that in the obituary. Mm-hmm. , their families are including, they, they, they want that to be known. So how is this changing you as a person, Katrina? How, how has

Speaker 2: (30:56)
Changed Oh, so much changed your

Speaker 1: (30:57)
Family? How's it

Speaker 2: (30:58)
It has changed my family. Um, when I first started doing this work, my family, except for one person, showed me zero support about it.

Speaker 1: (31:08)
Wow.

Speaker 2: (31:09)
And I, it's been, it was years before. I got real acknowledgement from my family of support on this work. And I was even told not to do this work by my family. I was told that what I was talking about was like nonsense.

Speaker 1: (31:34)
Wow.

Speaker 2: (31:35)
Um, I was, I think that there was a lot of fear because they

Speaker 1: (31:38)
Were, was that, did that come from their own humiliation or their own shame or?

Speaker 2: (31:42)
I think it came from their fear of me putting my life on the line to discuss gun control in America.

Speaker 1: (31:49)
I see. Right.

Speaker 2: (31:50)
Impulsive gun suicide is, did not begin in my family with my mom. There were four other suicides in our family before my mom that, um, having my mom's death be in the newspaper, having me ask questions cuz reporters were asking questions and learning about my own family history of suicide, um, has really opened up the conversation. Um, and I mean, our family for generations has been defined by suicide. And then, um, almost all parts of my family have experienced suicide on like, people say like, um, oh, was there bipolar on your mom's side? And it's like, no, but there's a ton of it on my dad's side.

Speaker 1: (32:42)
. Really? Wow.

Speaker 2: (32:45)
So like, it, um, it, it's like coming at me on both sides now and, um, it has really opened up the conversation from my family's elders that have experienced a lot of these losses and also, um, how does my generation in our family protect each other? Mm-hmm. . And, um, I mean, I still don't see a lot of my family like sharing my articles on social media or, or much like that, but they'll text me and, you know, tell me that they're proud of it. Um.

Speaker 1: (33:26)
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad.

Speaker 2: (33:28)
So it's, it's evolving and, um, I'm gonna keep going and I assume that they're gonna keep opening up about it and I hope at some point they're gonna be testifying in their states in front of their legislatures in support of this mm-hmm. . Um, because it's it's coming to their states soon. .

Speaker 1: (33:48)
. You're gonna make sure of that, it sounds like. Yeah.

Speaker 2: (33:52)
.

Speaker 1: (33:54)
Well, it has been an honor talking with you and I really appreciate this so much.

Speaker 2: (33:58)
Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate being able to, um, share this knowledge with your, with your listeners and with you. It's been a beautiful conversation. Great.

Speaker 1: (34:19)
Thanks so much for listening in to self work today. It's an honor for you to be here and I so appreciate the fact that you are here and you give us your time. This week you may notice a new sponsor of Self-Work. It's the Jordan Harbinger Show and the ad is in a different format, what's called an intra cast, so that you can listen to that information in just a couple of minutes. It'll be listed as the second episode in your podcast app. I found his show to be entertaining and intriguing, and I more than welcome his team to self-work. Please take very good care, as I say, every episode of yourself, your family, the people you care about, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret and this has been self-work.

 

 

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There are a lot of mental illnesses that are characterized by intense emotion which then governs behavior, such as in bipolar disorder, major depression, or several personality disorders. But even it it’s a pattern, and not an actual mental illness, it may mean that you don’t have the skill to regulate your emotions – to have control over them instead of them over you. What does this look like? You get angry at a friend and you text them impulsively about your feelings instead of taking a minute to cool down. You get dumped by someone you're dating and you immediately head to the nearest bar or pub to work on getting picked up.

That’s what we’re going to focus on today. How do you learn to more self-control emotionally or how to “self-regulate” those emotions?  We’ll also talk about when intense control over emotions is highly self-protective.

The listener email follows this subject line as well, but is more about the listener’s recognition and identification with perfectly hidden depression. But they put a bit of a different spin on it – and are asking how I might suggest they “explain” PHD to a new therapist.

Vital Links: 

Link to sign up for CE training on June 27^th at 9:00 – noon CT.

Psychology Today article on self-regulation

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Today is an episode filled with your questions and my answers – one of my favorite things to do here on SelfWork! So today the topics are enmeshment, the difference between playing a role in someone’s life and having a relationship, and five ways to deal with defensiveness when you’re trying to have a conversation with a parent about the past. Great topics and questions! And I’m sure many of you can more than relate!

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

SelfWork podcast on seven ways to move out of enmeshment

Post on seven ways out of enmeshment

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

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We’re going to be talking about the last two major mental mistakes or bad habits that can either lead you into depression or be a factor in your depression worsening or sticking around. And those two are over-generalizing – meaning taking one experience or one piece of knowledge and applying it to everything - or what can be aptly described as "not seeing the trees for the forest." And the last is having unrealistic expectations – not seeing or believing what's accurate at that moment, but instead holding onto a belief or expectation of what you want or what you believe SHOULD happen instead of what's actually happening.

I’m working from Dr. Michael Yapko’s brilliant work on how not being able to make effective discriminations in your thinking can cause bad decisions to be made – decisions that keep you believing in something that is only going to lead to more pain. Click this link to see his handouts for the conference I listened to for this episode!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

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The excitement of shedding pounds. The disappointment of gaining them back. Deprivation as a way of life. Dieting is a merry-go-round…minus the fun.

Whether this describes you or someone you care for (friend, family member, child, patient, client), it’s a real issue for too many of us today. Yo-yo dieting reveals a terrible reality: most Americans are alarmingly misinformed about what to eat, when to eat, and how to get healthy.

Jenn Trepeck is my guest today on SelfWork. I listened to her podcast Salad with a Side Of Fries and was excited about her attitude, her experience, her laughter, and her incredible knowledge about food. She's described as a “force of nature” in the wellness space and is an Optimal Health Coach, podcaster and business consultant. After graduating from the University of Michigan Ross School of Business, Jenn founded Better Life Now LLC while working full time in hedge funds. After over a decade of coaching clients, Jenn started Salad with a Side of Fries Podcast to help pay it forward and reach a larger audience to teach the nutrition education we are all supposed to know but no one ever taught us.

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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This month is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as SelfWork has been named one of the ten top podcasts for depression by VeryWellMind for 2023 – I wanted to focus on just that. Depression. I’m pulling from a talk by Dr. Michael Yapko, an expert on depression, as he lists the five most common mental mistakes that people struggling with depression tend to make – those mistakes can cause depression to be increased, and can start a negative spiral that, given the right circumstances, could lead to depression or worsen it. But, as I heard Michele Obama say to a group of young women the other day, “You become what you practice being.” I couldn’t agree more.

So today we’ll talk about the habit of rumination. What’s that? It’s when you have one thought – a negative thought or a string of thoughts – that repeat themselves over and over again. I’ve heard it called a negative spiral or “letting myself drown in the past.” We'll compare it to the much healthier habit of self-reflection which isn't solely a "mental" practice, but also one that can blend in emotional feelings and dynamics. Maybe you do have feelings that still need to be worked through; rumination will probably not lead you there, whereas self-reflection just might. And I'll offer four things you can do to stop ruminating and make a healthier choice! 

Our voicemail for today needs a trigger warning as it was left by someone who states that she's attempted suicide multiple times. A therapist has told her family that she’s only trying to get attention, and to ignore her. She’s asking me what my advice to her family might be… This is a complex subject, so I’ll answer it as simply as I can – and that may not do justice to her question.

Vital Links:

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on rumination in OCD by Kimberley Quinlan

Rumination as part of grief

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

BetterHelp.

 

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In the month of May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month, we’re focusing on five different mental habits that you can have or adopt that either worsen depression, create depression, or are part of a relapse occurring. Last week, we focused on what is termed “internal orientation” – meaning that you fall into the habit of believing what your depression is telling you, either through your thoughts or your emotions. And depression often lies to you frankly.

Today we’re focusing on what's termed “stress generation.” What is that? When you’re actually making choices and decisions that cause more stress for you. We’ll talk more about it! It’s when the “don’t care” or “don’t know” of depression leads to even more stress which then leads to more depression. And it’s a bad habit.

The SpeakPipe voicemail today is from an older woman who says that her grown adult children don’t see her as a “person.” She doesn’t feel included in their lives as important or viable. I hear this from all ages so it could be ageism… but we’ll see if we can widen our lens a bit to discuss.

Vital Links: 

Link to Bandura's research on self-efficacy

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Sometimes the very decision on what to talk about here at SelfWork seems difficult, as the possibilities are endless really. And since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to do something special – although any month is mental health awareness month for me! To help get me organized, I turned to an old teacher of mine who’s an internationally known expert on depression - Dr. Michael Yapko. I listened into one of his YouTube presentations on the current research in depression and what the best thinking is about its causes and its treatment. He mentions the five most common mental mistakes that can lead to depression or to a relapse.

So, this month in May, I’m going to present those to you;  I’ll add in some of my own experiences and stories so that hopefully you can try and see if you’re making any of those mistakes – whether or not you consider yourself “depressed” or not.

For the listener email  “response” this week, I’m going to comment on a review for SelfWork that was left on Apple – a kind of, “I was really looking forward to listening but got disappointed,” kind of review. I’m hoping to address what I thought were the listener’s comments – as I could very well see what had disappointed them. So, I dug a little deeper and will let you know what I found.

Nick Wignall's Medium post on resilience

Several links to research articles having to do with minority happiness factors:

Article on black white differences and happiness 

Article on role of discrimination and ethnic identification

Article on racial identity and happiness

Quick Links!

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And here's an offer from BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough for SelfWork listeners! Every month they have a new "giveaway' product! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I love answering your questions and hearing your comments! In fact, it's one of the most favorite things I do here on SelfWork! Sharing perspectives is more than welcome. 

Today I'm answering two listener voicemails: One is on the topic of what exactly IS vulnerability... is it a choice you make - to be vulnerable? Or is it a state of being,  where your vulnerability is something that needs to be protected? And why is that even important? 

Because how you answer that question reflects your perception - and whether you'd want to learn to be vulnerable or it's the last thing that would every occur to you. 

Enmeshment isn't well-understood by many. It looks like closeness in a family or relationship. Loyalty. But... there can also be an rigid expectation of what kind of identity outside of the family you're allowed. A listener from Jordan calls in to talk about his anger and frustration with this - but also his fear of losing his family. 

Thank you as always for being here! And thanks to our sponsors - Athletic Greens and Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today on SelfWork we’re going to focus on self-sabotage – when you are doing things or not doing things that seem to get in the way of achieving something or creating the life you say you want.

I want to talk more about the fear that’s underneath self-sabotage. Because one way of looking at sabotage is that it’s not sabotage at all. It’s really one part of you – the part that’s afraid – protecting that fear or avoiding it. So, what can seem as if you’re “getting in your own way” can actually be your mind working to keep you safe from a fear that you may be conscious of, or not conscious of at all.

Let's focus on a quartet of players in the self-sabotage realm: procrastination, perfectionism, a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, and of course, imposter syndrome. And as always, we'll talk about... what you can do about it.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a woman who’s realized that, in order to have a sense of control, that she not only lives out her plans for today, but tries to complete things early – things she might have a plan to do tomorrow – she does today. And yet as she says, “That’s not how time works." Loved her comment and wanted to share.

Vital Links: 

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I'm very excited to introduce SelfWork listeners to Ananta.  I get a lot of requests from people who want to present to my SelfWork listeners,  and they introduce themselves as experts in what they term transformation. Now, it's a good word, mind you, transformation, but so much of the work isn't backed up well with exercises or there's a lot of expense.

Ananta Ripa Ajmera is an author and spiritual teacher of Ayurveda, Yoga, and Vedanta, and her new book takes you every step of the way to begin to wonder and access and absorb what might be really helpful for you using those three practices in your own life.  So we're going on a different kind of journey today. Let's hear from a NTA in her own words, and I quote her, 'I'm inviting you on an enchanted journey from embattled darkness to hope'. My new book, The Way of the Goddess: Daily Rituals to Awaken Your Inner Warrior and Discover Your True Self is written as a hero's journey from a profound feminine perspective. In it, I share my story of how I overcame trauma in all forms of abuse with a spiritual power of love." The Way of the Goddess also contains simple everyday rituals ranging from chakra balancing and spiritual reflection to journal prompts, creativity challenges and more.

If you've wanted to get into yoga, if you've wanted to learn more about chakras, the different energy feels in your body, this is a wonderful beginning step. Hope you'll give this episode a listen and discover the inner goddess in you!

Vital Links! 

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I love when an author reaches out to me personally – and that’s what Brooke Siem did. I didn’t have to talk with a bunch of publicity or marketing people. She knows exactly what her message is – and who needs to hear it. I was mesmerized by her evocativeness of her writing  her book, May Cause Side Effects,  is worth the read for that fact alone.

This is the first memoir on antidepressant withdrawal to hit the mass-market, a notable milestone in the journey to bring global awareness to antidepressant withdrawal.

As you know, not everyone on antidepressants wants to stay on them forever, and it's imperative that both patients and doctors recognize antidepressant withdrawal and practice safe deprescribing. Brooke’s mission is to shift the narrative of depression as a chronic ailment to one that frames depression as a temporary human experience.

Let’s make sure no one is hearing “You shouldn’t be on anti-depressants.” That’s not the case. They can be very helpful. And it’s hard to tell in Brooke’s memoir how much her own chaotic upbringing led to many of her ver difficult, almost psychotic experiences,  and how much was attributable to physical and emotional withdrawal.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

If this post triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines.

Sometimes meeting someone is meant to be. I felt that way about my best friend. I felt that way about my husband. And I felt that way when I first exchanged emails with Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan.

He’s the real thing. A great guy. Easy-going. Smart. Supportive. Humble. And his book, Suicide Assessment and Treatment Planning: A Strength-Based Approach is a must read for mental health clinicians. He's a professor of psychology at the University of Montana and the author of many other books. I don’t say "must read" that often. Even rarely. But it’s a must read. And not just for clinicians. It could be meaningful for anyone who has a loved one who struggles with suicidal feelings or thoughts - and how to approach them compassionately. As I said last week, you might be that one person who someone risks talking to.

Last week's episode focused on the necessity and importance and publicly recognizing the fact that many people have suicidal thoughts. Whether they’re diagnosed with a mental illness or not, many people go through times when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Or they can’t see one in that moment – or that day – or that week. Those people need connection – they need support – they need acceptance. If they're in true crisis, then stronger measures may be needed - and I'd highly recommend calling in professionals at that point. But too many people don't reveal darker thoughts for fear of "what might happen" - even to mental health clinicians.

So you’re about to hear information that I know you’re going to find inspirational, helpful, educational, and vital.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This week's episode of SelfWork focuses on suicide - but not as a pre-determined sign that someone needs hospitalization. That might be true, of course. But many, many people have suicidal thoughts or ideas, even fantasies, of what could happen that would allow them to escape pain that may feel intolerable. And in those cases, talking about suicide or those fantasies can be a positive sign - a sign of trust, of reaching out, of connection. And a sign of not wanting to die.

We're going to explore these ideas today on SelfWork. Because talking about suicide - recognizing that feeling as if that's an answer to your pain -  is normal to feel. It's not a sin or a sign you're weak. I've literally talked with hundreds of people in my thirty years as a clinician about those thoughts. Because talking about it can lead to more understanding, greater trust, deeper self-compassion, and recognition of a desire to live.

If you or someone you love has struggled to reveal any kind of emotional pain - if your family or culture created the need for you to remain rigidly stoic, with tight control (or even denial) of hurt or pain - this approach may save your life.

If this triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines.

The listener voicemail is from a woman whose addictions seemed to have been a huge part of her not mothering well from the perspective of her oldest child – who now has estranged herself from her mom. We’ll talk about what she can do in this circumstance to help herself cope with her loss, not allowing the estrangement to sabotage the rest of her life.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

The history of suicide

Sociologist Jason Manning's research findings on factors leading to suicidal thinking

Mayo Clinic article about the distinction between suicide as a wish for death and suicide as a source of relief

NAMI's statistics on suicide

CBS Sunday Morning's episode on Donna's Law.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

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Today my editor, graphic designer and general "auxiliary brain" Christine Mathias, has chosen her favorite podcast. It's all about self-soothing and Mister Rogers came to mind! And we look at the neurobiology of "calm," featuring work by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist who coined the phrase, “Name it to tame it.”

Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but who can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived. Suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued, because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain"

Dr. Dan Siegel article about Mister Rogers

New York Post article on cancel culture.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's episode has been chosen by my audio engineer and producer, John Crowley, as one of this favorite episodes which earns the status of "good enough for a second time around" slot. And boy, does shame cause problems.

People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently.

You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse. You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet. You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were. You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.” You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed. You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix. What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self. You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents. You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing. You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and has become overly reclusive. But what may be a major impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them.. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

Vital Links:

Here's the link to my course Perfectly Hidden Addiction on April 5, 2023 at 9:00 CST! Great for CE but also for information!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

And Click this link to try out some of the most potent CBD out there (And the best bang for your buck!) ! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Mathias Reding.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I recently posted about a study group I was doing on my personal FB page and somewhat apologetically explained that I was mixing professional with personal. I received an almost immediate response from a friend who said, “You love what you do so much, I don’t think there’s much of a line between the two.” And I had to laugh. She was right.

But then I came across an article that quoted recent research showing something surprising – that traditional beliefs had assumed that overwork led to depression and anxiety. Made sense, right? But now, researchers are finding that the opposite can be true – that people who are already depressed of anxious seek out work for distraction. So today, we’re going to be talking about work addiction, what might lead away from someone’s work schedule becoming destructive, and what kinds of things you can build into your life to help you curb your appetite for work.

The listener voicemail is from someone who describes herself as experiencing depression while others around her remind her to feel grateful and she senses they believe she’s wrapped up in self-pity. She says in her voicemail, “I feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty…”. So is going through a huge guilt cycle. We’ll focus on how to get out of that cycle. Again, as always, what can you do about it?

Vital Links: 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on The  Good Men Project on the basic signs of work addiction.

An article from The Atlantic on practical solutions to workaholism

Forbes article on the relationship between suicide and the work environment

Countries experimenting with the four-day work week

Harry Miller's story

The Meadows three steps toward challenging work addiction

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Real motherhood can certainly seem like you're trudging your way through a jungle of fears, exhaustion, and confusion - so why is it still portrayed as "easy" or "natural"? Author Annaliese Lawton's new book, Welcome To The Jungle, explores her own emotional turmoil associated with maternity coupled with life's daily struggles. Lawton is a small-town mom whose literary journey began when her Facebook post on motherhood and mental health went viral. Her post was translated in seven different languages, accumulated 80,000 shares, six million views, and eventually landed Lawton a book deal. Filled with unfiltered thoughts and perspectives on womanhood, Welcome to the Jungle isn’t just another parenting book on the highs and lows of motherhood, it will encourage conversations about topics on maternal mental health, marriage, and wellness. Lawton shares, “To say the book is about motherhood is really an underestimation. Motherhood is the backdrop against which the real story unfolds."

And thanks once again to our great sponsor for this episode, Athletic Greens!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This month we’ve been talking about relationships.This week I heard Andrew Solomon speak about his book Far from the Tree – when parents have a child that has some kind of difference from them, and they struggle not to see that difference as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. I found his ideas fascinating – the relationship between parents and children – and how love is far different than acceptance. And how we as adults (or children) can struggle with not feeling acceptance from family but can discover it in social acceptance. So, let’s dig into that topic a bit today and I'll add in my own ideas as we go.

The listener email is from a mental health professional who tried to hide from her own depression for several reasons – but isn’t now. She’s kind enough to attribute that to my book and podcast. I’ll tell her story and share some of her thoughts and hope that for any of you out there who feel that you simply cannot talk about yourself or your struggles with any transparency, that you’ll pause and think about that for a second.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Andrew Solomon's interview with Big Think on the difference between love and acceptance

interview with  Dr. Adam Hill here on SelfWork!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re focusing on what mental or emotional issues are connected with being drawn into relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, missing the warning signs that others might sense or see. We’ll briefly cover the different types of narcissism; you can find lists that include anything from four to seven subtypes but we’ll keep it simple. And then, we’ll venture into the “why” – why might you not recognize such a manipulative and potentially emotionally abusive pattern? Here’s a huge hint. What you live as a child becomes your normal, even if it’s far from healthy or even truly normal. It’s what you experience – so that’s your normal. And you can bring that definition into your adulthood as you seek out relationships.

The listener email is from a married woman who explains that her husband demands that they remain in a non-sexually-intimate relationship – or a dating relationship -  so that he can fall back in love with her. But this has lasted twenty years! is it emotionally manipulative or could she married to someone who is more comfortable with a sexless marriage – and that could be driving this dynamic? I’ll offer my ideas..

Six Factors That Could Blind You to Narcissistic Manipulation

You don't label abuse... as abuse. You're accustomed to rigid rules or control in your family or culture. You don't claim your own worth because you were not loved well. You take LOTS of responsibility; in fact, too much. You're not street smart or you're naīve. You chose to ignore your gut and instead, denied or discounted a clue that there was a problem and now, you feel stuck.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

VeryWell Health article on subtypes of narcissism.

New book by Katherine Schafler The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control

Article on loving a narcissist by Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. But what about platonic love – aka friendship? I loved Marisa Franco’s new book entitled Platonic and this interview is one of my favorites. I especially honor when she describes  friendships as being the relationships that are the steadiest your entire life. What you’re about to listen to is our conversation, with real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. So if you struggle with that, this episode is for you! Or if you need reminding of how to maintain those friendships you enjoy, there's great advice there as well.

Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in reality:

Initiate; don't wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They're not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout. Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you're liked gives you confidence and you're more likely to focus on letting others know what you like about them. Research calls this "the acceptance prophecy" and it works! You can’t just show up once; join a community that meets regularly. She calls this "the exposure effect" - you're more likely to make friends when you show up in each other's lives on a regular basis. And if the meeting is about something you're truly interested in, then that helps as well.

 

Vital Links:

 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends: - order her book today!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships.

We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change - and that's what we'll focus on... what you can do about it.  You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently!

Here's the link to the attachment questionnaire!  Click this link!

The featured email questions for today are also about PHD – one is how to talk about it with a therapist that you’re beginning to see – the second, “How do I know if my work on it is making a difference?” Great questions.

Other Vital Links: 

Mark Manson  on attachment styles

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re focusing on self-absorption – being highly preoccupied with your own concerns, your inner thoughts, or yourself in general. Depression can be viewed as an "implosion of the self" which creates self-absorption. I’m speaking of self-absorption not in a condescending or judgmental way, but as a way of helping the person who’s depressed, as well as the people who are trying to love them, to understand how two possible components of depression – anhedonia and apathy - can be perceived in relationships as self-centeredness or self-absorption. And, as always, what to do about it.

The listener voicemail this week is from a woman whose mother is always "one-upping" her, meaning her mom says she hurts more, or has accomplished more... the topic doesn't really matter. Her mother doesn't offer affirmation for her daughter, but remains in a weird kind of competition with her. And her daughter is very, very lonely.

Vital Links for Today! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Article in Psychology Today by Dr. Leon Seltzer on self-absorption

The difference between anhedonia and apathy in depression

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude.

The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance.

We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending your time - and how to quell that anxiety with one simple question. "How would I define 'time well-spent?'

Vital Links:

The Clockify Article on time anxiety

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I first met Shauna Springer -  or Doc Springer as her military clients call her  - when I interviewed her for one of her books, Warrior. There was something about her that I really warmed to and now am glad to call her a friend. Her books demonstrate what an incredible therapist she is, as well as being widely known as an expert on psychological trauma, military transition, and suicide prevention. So she was an obvious pick to guest host here at SelfWork!

Her guest is another phenomenal woman. Alexa James who’s the CEO of NAMI Chicago. Under different Chicago mayors, she’s started mental health programs in the police department and worked closely on police accountability, She helped with Chicago’’s response to Covid, and now continues to bring mental health treatment to the far under-served.

What you’ll hear today are two very caring and very knowledgable and very experienced women talking about innovative treatments that are being used more and more: ketamine infusions and SGB or stellate ganglion block. You can learn more on her website stellacenter.com. They offer great hope!

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer is a co-founder and the Chief Psychologist for STELLA, a leading, trusted authority on innovative trauma treatments. Dr. Springer is responsible for developing STELLA's trauma informed approach to care across its international network of more than 50 clinics. She leads training and public speaking engagements for Stella and is the host of the podcast "The Story of Our Trauma."  She is a best-selling author of two books on trauma (WARRIOR: How to Support Those Who Protect Us and Relentless Courage: Winning the Battle with Frontline Trauma and is widely considered to be one of the world's leading experts on psychological trauma, military transition, suicide prevention, and close relationships.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

The most common misconceptions about happiness. What social fitness is and how to exercise it. How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships. What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement. The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20^th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

 

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Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly.

Here's her actual bio:

Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path in the workforce.”  Between her online courses, subscribers, and show “The You Turn Podcast,” (with 2M downloads), she’s been able to support clients in 78 countries in self-discovery, upgrading their confidence, and finding career fulfillment.

When I asked her to be a guest host, she energetically jumped right in – which was more than meaningful for me. And I loved listening to her episode! She’s going to share eleven what she calls “mindshifts” that have been vital for her to learn in 2022 and take now into 2023. Here’s a sneak peak into her list… she’s learned the difference between a “connection” and a true relationship – the first being highly seductive perhaps but the second holding within it security and consistency , which is so needed by us all. I’m honored she’s here – as I have been with all my guest hosts!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all!

So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness.

I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.”

What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his other interviews but was still unprepared for this) – What are the three things that you’d want others to remember about you or what you’ve learned in life? That one was tough.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life."

I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d come all the way from Arkansas to be on – so he soldiered through. He was also kind enough to be on SW himself, talking about his early sexual abuse as a child and how that had impacted him for years. For all of his success, when I reached out to see if he could be a guest host this month (fully expecting “sorry I’m too busy”), he contacted another of his producers, Chris,  who took over. And he offered to provide my interview with Lewis from December of 2019. I was blown away! And then, there were Chris’ words.

"I first want to say that your interview on the show was actually one that deeply impacted me and how I view mental health so thank you for all the work you do in the world. I hope your upcoming surgery goes great!"

So on this episode of SelfWork, you’re going to listen in on the first half of my interview with Lewis Howes.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized.

When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” Not easy to do. But she’s also known for her oft-stated mantra, “Today is a beautiful day to do a hard thing.” Now that’s a fabulous mantra for anyone, but especially for those of us struggling with depression and/or anxiety.

You can find her through her book, her website where you can find treatment options for many types of anxiety, and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit! But she also is founder of the CBTschool.com, an online psycho-education platform that provides online courses for those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself.

Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive.

But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions.

Vital Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

SelfWork post on enmeshment

Post on Borderline Moms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread.

Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non-self-consciously – can grow stronger. But what the pandemic has taught even the most socially comfortable among us – that muscle can atrophy as well. And if was never strong in the first place? Then the task to exercise it can seem very daunting.

So, how can you learn how to stop telling yourself that you must look stupid, or out of step, or weird – and begin instead to become more comfortable in your own skin and work with your anxieties around being with others? That’s SW for today!

Here are the five steps toward building your social muscle and leaning into social anxiety!

 Shame will tell you you’re a bad or inferior person because your anxiety exists. Challenge that shame and  let go of that belief. Transparency and self-acceptance can help lead you to work with your fears. Be open with others you trust about your anxiety. Whatever makes you anxious offers a clear direction of what you can choose to learn. Naming your anxiety shifts your perception as something that's happening to you, but isn't you. Don't think, "I'm anxious." Think instead, "I'm aware that anxiety is happening to me" or, if you've named your anxiety, "I can feel (name) arriving on the scene." Practice this over and over until it becomes your new way of experiencing and working with anxiety. 

The listener voicemail is from a woman who sent me a message that ended abruptly with the words, “Women like you…”  I’ll share that with you – what I did in response – and what concerns me the most about her message to me. It may not be what you think by the way… a little healthy criticism is a good thing.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Tara Wells' article on self-awareness and self-consciousness

New York Times article on the pandemic and its impact on social anxiety

NPR's interview with the author of Good Anxiety, Wendy Suzuki

Recent research on narcissism in Psyche.com

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse?

We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recent book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.

The listener email today is from a mom who’s been a listener to SW for quite some time – but a tragedy has occurred in her family, and she’s asking for some advice. There’s a trigger warning here – her daughter has been sexually abused – so please listen with care.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We’re going to talk about labels today  - and how the mental health world, its science, its leaders, and its language might be influencing us to over-pathologize what’s normal. Meaning that you can come to believe something is sick or wrong or abnormal when actually it IS normal when it’s understood in its own context. But another fact may be even more disconcerting. You can base your decisions about what you “call” something by the knowledge or experience or reasoning you have at hand. And that language might be misleading or limited

Our listener voicemail is different today and I was eager to see what I could find to answer her question. She asks if something like a name change after trauma could help with building a sense of confidence? I think that’s a great question – especially fit for SW because it’s all about what you have control over and regaining a sense of empowerment.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The parable of the blind men and the elephant

HuffPost article on pathologizing children's behavior

A conversation wit Dr. Allen Frances

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Samantha Skelly is such a vibrant and fascinating guest! She wrote her book several years ago - Hungry for Happiness: Stop Emotional Eating and Start Loving Yourself. And this is what she says about it: This book is how I turned my mess into my message. The journey of struggling with emotional eating, exercise addition & severe body image issues - within these pages contains the most effective & impactful tools to heal emotional eating for good.

You can tell from her words that she's got a great sense of humor and adventure! And now, she's helping people all over the world with breath. That's right - she's teaching people how to breathe - the right way. And here's her own editorial take on that! "If you’re reading this thinking ‘what kind of hippy sh*t is this?’ - you’re not alone, before I tried it, I too thought it was all hype.Then I had an experience that healed me in ways I never knew possible. And that’s my wish for you."

I know you'll enjoy her as you come breathe along with us! She has a new app to help you as well, called "Pause Breathwork". Thanks to BetterHelp for once again sponsoring this episode of SelfWork!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

You can order my book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I began this episode thinking I’d talk about ten things I’d learned from being a therapist. But I realized that almost every one of them could be their own podcast episode. Today we’ll focus on the first – not in importance, but the first that came to mind – perhaps connected with the zeitgeist of our time. The need to be right or living being certain that you are. We’ll discuss these questions: Is having the need to be right a bad or a good thing, helpful or hurtful? Is it connected with a mental or emotional condition such as depression or anxiety? How can that belief affect your relationships with others? I’ve done my research and we’ll look at it from various angles – and then, per usual, I’ll add in my two cents.

Five Major Takeaways!

Being right and needing to be right are two completely different things. You can be right but also be humble. Being wrong is a means of learning. Coming to a conclusion that proves to be wrong or misguided is a means through which you figure out things that will be helpful to you. “I was wrong about that.” Your perspective is unique and thus has value. But it’s also limiting – meaning there are other perspectives that are valuable as well.. A change of perspective creates growth; When you think about some of the most meaningful movies or books you’ve ever seen or read, it probably involves watching someone’s perspective change. The Star Wars series is an embodiment of this – when we watch someone cross from the “dark” side into the “light.” Or vice versa. The battle of what’s their truth – what’s their belief – and how perspectives can change for good and bad. Living with uncertainty is a skill.

The voicemail message for today is from a listener who’s been on disability for years and is struggling with self-worth and finding a sense of purpose, especially because her son is graduating, she’s getting a divorce so she’s facing being alone. That’s a lot to have on your plate. What would you say to her?

We'll also hear from two of SelfWork's awesome sponsors: AG1 and MagBreakthrough!

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The Forbes article on being right or being effective.

Cleveland Clinic article describing the traits of sociopathy

Take a look at this ambiguous images! 

SelfWork episode: Depression Is Not Simply A Chemical Imbalance: Part 2

 

 

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Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it.

The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) can get helped yourself.

Important Links:

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses

Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central.

Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Are there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from a demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied?

The listener email has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do?

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Terry McGuire is a former broadcast journalist and voiceover talent who has earned a living with her voice for more than four decades. After experiencing her longest and darkest depression, she decided to use her experience to begin to give voice to depression through beginning the podcast - Giving Voice to Depression. There, she has collected and shared stories of her weekly guest's resilience struggles, provided mental health management tools, and general experiences of depression Her message is clear: she wants listeners to know that they're not alone, that recovery is possible, and the dark thoughts in their minds are symptoms -  and not truths.

She's got a lot of titles after her name. She's president of with the non-profit Giving Voice to Mental Illness. During the pandemic, she became a certified peer support specialist. She's on the board of directors of NAMI of Wisconsin, the steering committee of Prevent Suicide Greater Milwaukee, and works as a mental health advocate with the AB COR Foundation for Mental Health. I'm honored to known her, and to bring to your attention another great mental health podcast.

Important Links! 

Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to talk about guilt and self-forgiveness. Basically there are two forms of guilt. Healthy guilt – or when you feel remorse for something that you did or said or felt – and maladaptive guilt which is guilt that doesn’t serve any positive rationale, but instead eats you up from the inside. For example, survivor’s guilt, a fairly common kind of guilt, is maladaptive. I’ll also offer my own seven steps to self-forgiveness. For many, especially for those who struggle with depression already, self-forgiveness can be a struggle.

Please know this episode may be triggering for those of you who’ve been through a difficult experience and listen with caution and care.

Here are those seven steps:

You choose or want to do the work of forgiving yourself. That means you don’t wallow in blame, but you also take your share of the responsibility. Look at your past and see if you were constantly blamed (you were the “black sheep”) or if you weren’t guided to take responsibility (you were never in the wrong). Either end of the spectrum could be paralyzing Seek a therapist’s help or talk to a trusted friend to shed light on this dynamic. Acknowledge how you could be repeating the pattern. With this new perspective, write out what your mistake was. Did you see that it was a mistake and make it anyway, or did you not realize it was? Ask yourself, “If someone I cared about made this mistake, would I treat them the same way I’m treating myself?” Have self-compassion. Visualize and write out what it would be like for you to forgive yourself – to take responsibility but not to wallow. Do something constructive. Make amends if possible. And move on.

The voicemail for today isn’t meant to create any kind of political or spiritual furor. So please recognize that. But the poignancy of this listener’s question rang very true to me – and that is, “What am I supposed to do when my therapist seemed to understand and have compassion for what I shared with him, but I later learn has very strong opinions about the rightness and wrongness of that choice?"  The topic happens to be abortion – but the process, not the content, is why I’m responding. It’s about experiencing a betrayal of trust by your therapist.

Important Links:

 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

SelfWork Episode on survivor’s guilt in Episode 240

Psych Central featured a story on guilt,

A wonderful article on Covid and survivor's guilt

You can hear more about forgiveness and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’m so delighted to bring you this interview in recognition of Suicide Awareness Month. Why? Erin Gallagher, current interim executive director of This Is My Brave, is going to tell you about the life and suicidal death of her son, Jay. His life was ended after his high school had been alerted there were warning signs – big ones – very alarming ones – and because he didn’t “seem” depressed and denied it, they ignored these signs. They didn’t dig any further than Jay saying, “No I’m not depressed.”

Erin has poured herself into learning more about why this school counselor didn’t search further. Why Jay was believed so readily. Our paths met because of my work in perfectly hidden depression. Her discoveries are achingly true: one being that even those who’ve sought therapy don’t report suicidal thoughts – due to fear, stigma, or their own denial that’s being pressured day in and day out by intrusive thoughts of dying that can invade even the most “perfect” seeming of lives. Please listen – but listen with care. I am honored to be her friend and greatly respect what she’s done and is doing about Jay’s death and how it occurred.

Vital Links:

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

Erin Gallagher's own story for This Is My Brave's first high school performance.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques included can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Here’s a special preview of the new season of The Happiness Lab for the YGTG for this month!  You might think you know what it takes to lead a happier life… more money, a better job, or Instagram-worthy vacations. You’re dead wrong. Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos has studied the science of happiness and found that many of us do the exact opposite of what will truly make our lives better.

She’ll take you through the latest scientific research and share some surprising and inspiring stories that will change the way you think about happiness. In the preview you’re about to hear, Laurie is joined by the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to talk about a massive public health crisis that has touched nearly all of us at some time or another: loneliness. Loneliness is a far more common and far more serious problem than we think. If we're feeling lonely, what can we do? As you'll hear in this preview, we need to build out our social connections.

Hear more fromThe Happiness Lab at https://podcasts.pushkin.fm/thls5?sid=selfwork.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

One of my favorite things to do on SelfWork is to respond to your questions! The first is a reaction to a recent podcast from 19 year-old podcaster Sadie Sutton who was explaining her journey with depression and her parents’ role in it. This listener wanted to know if I was following up with an interview with her parents – a great question actually. But no, that’s not the plan. But I wanted to respond to some of her thoughts as that episode touched a sensitive and vulnerable place in her heart – and maybe it did yours as well.

The second email is from someone whose partner has been diagnosed as BPD/bipolar and is looking for some support for herself. And the third from a listener who’s turned to his family for affirmation – and keeps getting ignored or even criticized for it. His question – how do I become my own cheerleader?

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Sadie Sutton Interview on SelfWork

Episode 86 on support for someone who loves someone with borderline personality disorder

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What’s emotional incest? (Please be aware that you could be triggered by this episode if abuse is in your past and I’ll share links to help lines.) It’s not the same as sexual incest – but can certainly cause its own type of damage. It falls within the dynamic of enmeshment but has its own definition and characteristics. Emotional incest is defined as a parent turning to a child to meet their emotional needs instead of having that relationship with an adult.  We’ll talk about how it happens and how it’s so often missed since it can appear as if all is normal, when it's not at all. And as always, we'll focus on what you can do about it.

The listener voicemail is from someone who used what she called discipline to parent but her kids have some resentment toward her. We’ll talk about what she could do.

Vital Links!!!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

International Sexual Abuse Hotlines

Sean Grover's article in Psychology Today on Emotional Incest

Check out SelfWork  Episode 62 on being overly close to your parent and Episode 224 on steps out of enmeshment

Dr. Pat Love's book The Emotional Incest Syndrome

Don Miguel Ruiz' book The Four Agreements

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We can’t believe it! 300 episodes!!! And that’s due to your loyalty and your emails and your messages and your support and your reviews and…. well, you!   Thank you!!!

I had a topic in mind for this three hundredth episode of SelfWork. But I realized that what was on my heart and mind was how so many of you don’t think you have the time to deal with whatever depression or anxiety you might be feeling. Well I’m delighted you’re taking this next 25 minutes to listen – as today we talk about what may surprise you – that it doesn’t take as much time as you may think to do your own selfwork – or even to practice how to change your own relationship with time and yourself in the process.

It's about acknowledgement. And that takes a minute.

Then we have a little something to hopefully add a smile to your day! It's time for another blooper reel!

Vital Links! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they feel free to tell me things because they know I cannot tell anyone else. That’s true of course- unless I believe that there's imminent danger of some kind to them or someone else. But I don’t think of my role as that of secret-keeper. Instead I think of a therapist as offering safety rather than secrecy. Part of the safety is the secrecy – but of course, in abusive or manipulative relationships, secrecy is often used with malintent. So today, we’re going to talk about secrets.

Here are the questions we'll answer!

What are the most common secrets? Why can some people not keep a secret or why are they a tattletale or a gossip? What’s the difference between secrecy and privacy? Or secrecy and confidentiality? Is it true that when something is kept secret from you, it has no impact on you? What’s the difference between Secrecy and manipulation? And secrecy and abuse?

The SpeakPipe voicemail for today is from a woman who revealed childhood sexual abuse to her sister; her abuser was a brother, 8 years older than she. Sadly, the sister has withdrawn from her – and now she’s asking me what she should do. What would you say?

Vital Links: 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Episode 217 on sibling sexual abuse

Interview with Michael Slepian about his new book on secrets

Psychology Today article by Michael Slepian

Why some people can't keep a secret...

How you can tell someone is lying.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

On SelfWork, I love to feature people who have used their own experience – and sometimes that experiences involves loss or grief – to live through something that has taught them important lessons. And they want to share that you.

Krista St-Germain is that kind of person. I’ll let her tell her story but I think you’ll be surprised at some of how she handled her response. She studied to become a life coach in order to try to learn what she needed to do to work through her grief and began a podcast so that, she, like me, could reach more people who were also widows and moms. She focuses on post-traumatic growth – and she stresses that PTG doesn’t involved romanticizing trauma – somehow trying to convince yourself or others that your trauma is something that you’re supposed to be glad happened. Not at all. But what you do with it is important.

Some of her major points:

The myth about the grief stages How to avoid the social expectations surrounding grief Her truth about trauma, moving forward, and post-traumatic growth

Vital Links!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

A listener left a voicemail for me within the past couple of weeks… in fact, two. Basically she asked, “I have trouble bonding with people and find myself not expecting too much. I’m in a good relationship now with my partner, but how do I get over this issue?  Can you give tips on how to start trusting myself, others and especially my parents?” I want to stress that being able to trust is about connection – about intimacy – and if you struggle with it, then you’ll not experience true connection, but isolation and fear. The good news is, as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” Trigger warning: We’ll be talking about specific examples of abuse.

The voicemail for today is from a listener who had severe withdrawal symptoms from being on an antidepressant for year, and asks about how to avoid withdrawal problems.  Again I’m not a medical doctor but I can convey what I’ve observed clinically.

Our sponsors today are Ozark Mountain Medicine whose CBD products are the best of the best, and the number one online therapy service, BetterHelp!

So sit back and relax – get in touch with your breathing and your body (that's another hint...) and let’s learn about how you can begin to trust after abuse.

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

An article by Darius Cikanavicius that offered us a great way to organize our discussion and I'd highly recommend it!

I"d also recommend reading Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score for wonderful practical and conceptual advice on healing from abuse!

A SelfWork YGTG on pharmacogenomics testing

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today on You Get the Gist, you’re going to get to hear from Wade LIghtheart  Who’s Wade Lightheart? Well, he’s the cofounder of BiOptimizers, who became a new sponsor of SelfWork just last week! But he’s a three-time Canadian national all-natural body building champion, and a former Mr. Universe contestant who trained as a vegan – so he’s a guy that’s doing things differently. I think you’ll find him personable and his message truly vital to hear.

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to focus on how to help your teen with depression through an interview with a  great guest, 19 year-old Sadie Sutton, host of the podcast She Persisted. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13 and by the age of 14, had been hospitalized four times for severe depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Realizing things were going nowhere fast, her parents took her to McLean Hospital, a residential inpatient program. And it was there  - life changed.

Why should you listen and share her story? Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24 in the US. 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made attempts. Ohio State football player Harry Miller’s revelations that he attempted suicide, shared his struggles with his coach and got help. He says, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away,” wrote Miller. “It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.”

Here are some of the salient points from Sadie:

Her parents, especially her dad, didn’t realize or even perhaps believe, that a teenager could be clinically depressed – and his efforts to “snap her out of it” or “tough love” made things worse. Prior to McLean, none of her therapists or the programs she entered asked for her commitment to the process of healing they proposed. In fact, they flat said that her stay would do her no good if she wasn’t going to choose to do the work. And that requirement is what caused her to actually do the work of healing. Her parents took part of family therapy and learned a new way of talking about conflict, of expressing emotions, or negotiating, and of being aware of your impact on others. She's a huge fan of DBT 9 Dialectical Behavior Therapy and she talks about some of its basic tenets.

But before we begin the interview, I’m so excited to introduce you to a new sponsor here at SelfWork! Magnesium Breakthrough. As always, I’ve tried it myself and will tell you what kind of results I’ve had! They have a wonderful offer for SelfWork listeners – so please listen in to what could be the start of more restful sleep for you – and thus, a more stable mood and good daily energy.

Vital Links:

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands