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The audio companion to DailyDad.com’s daily email meditations on fatherhood, read by Ryan Holiday. Each daily reading will help you find the wisdom, inner strength, and good humor you need in order to be a great dad. Learn from historical figures and contemporary fathers how to do your most important job. Find more at dailydad.com.
- 1338 - Hold Fast To ThisWed, 24 Apr 2024
- 1337 - What Are You Actually Teaching Them?
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📖 Grab a copy of Mike Erwin's Leadership is a Relationship: How to Put People First in the Digital World.
X: @erwinrwb
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🎧 Check out Ryan's full interview with Mike Erwin.
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📕 Grab your copy of The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kidsat The Painted Porch.
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📘 Get your copy of Dr. Becky Kennedy's Good Insideat The Painted Porch.
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📱 Follow Daily Dad: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTubeThu, 11 Apr 2024 - 1326 - You Have to Give Them AccessWed, 10 Apr 2024
- 1325 - You’re Not Trying To Raise Well-Behaved Kids
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Tue, 09 Apr 2024 - 1324 - Never Wish For Less TimeMon, 08 Apr 2024
- 1323 - Morgan Housel and Ryan Holiday on Raising Well Adjusted Children And Being Prepared
Grab a signed copy of Same as Ever and The Psychology of Moneyfrom The Painted Porch!
Morgan Housel is a partner at The Collaborative Fund. His book The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness is a deep dive into the psychology of money and investing, especially how personal history shapes one’s view of economic risk, the implications of not understanding the future, being rich vs. being wealthy, how we measure success, the problem with social comparison, and much more. It has sold over 1.9 million copies and has been translated into 46 languages.
Morgan is a two-time winner of the Best in Business Award from the Society of American Business Editors, winner of the New York Times Sidney Award, and a two-time finalist for the Gerald Loeb Award for Distinguished Business and Financial Journalism. He serves on the board of Markel and has presented at more than 100 conferences all over the globe.
Website: morganhousel.com
Twitter: @morganhousel
Sat, 06 Apr 2024 - 1322 - These Are The Best Times
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Fri, 05 Apr 2024 - 1321 - Try Not To Be This
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Thu, 04 Apr 2024 - 1320 - This Is A Form of Real Poverty
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try atbetterhelp.com/dailydadand get on your way to being your best self.
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Wed, 03 Apr 2024 - 1319 - What If You Didn’t Hear It Again?
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Tue, 02 Apr 2024 - 1318 - How To Repair
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try atbetterhelp.com/dailydadand get on your way to being your best self.”
Get a copy of Dr. Becky Kennedy's "Good Inside" at the Painted Porch: https://www.thepaintedporch.com/products/good-inside-a-guide-to-becoming-the-parent-you-want-to-be
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Mon, 01 Apr 2024 - 1317 - Stop Creating Unnecessary Tension As A Parent
Ryan and Sam Holiday talk about the tips that they gave to Whitney Cummings as she has her first kid.
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Sat, 30 Mar 2024 - 1316 - Kids See Through to What Matters
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Fri, 29 Mar 2024 - 1315 - This is the Most Important Skill To Give Them
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Thu, 28 Mar 2024 - 1314 - Another Way It’s Tough To Be Your Kid
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Wed, 27 Mar 2024 - 1313 - You’re Probably Better Than You Think
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Tue, 26 Mar 2024 - 1312 - This Is How They Feel
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Mon, 25 Mar 2024 - 1311 - Ryan and Sam Holiday on Advice For First Time Parents
Ryan and Sam Holiday talk about what would have actually prepared them for having children.
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Sat, 23 Mar 2024 - 1310 - You Don’t Even Realize How Much You Say It
So why on earth do we so often signal the opposite? Literally and figuratively, we send the message that they’re bothering us, that they’re a distraction, a burden, annoying. As Evelyn McDonnell writes in her fascinating book The World According to Joan Didion, Didion’s daughter Quintana Roo once wrote down a list of her mother’s sayings. They were: “Brush your teeth,” “Brush your hair,” and “Shush, I'm working.”
Only later do we realize what we’re saying to them—as Didion did tragically in her haunting book Blue Nights—how this hurt them, how it contradicted what we felt deep down inside. We were just busy in that moment! We just needed to finish something real quick! We didn’t mean anything by it!
Of course, we have to make a living. Sometimes we do have to finish things. Some things are important. We just have to make sure that we value what really is important, that we remember, as we say in the March 22nd entry in The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids, our kids aren’t a distraction from our work, they are our work.
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Fri, 22 Mar 2024 - 1309 - Learning is Frustrating
Being a kid is tough. It’s tough because they’re learning—often by painful trial and error—an endless number of lessons about life. What they’re allowed to do and not. What happens when you touch something hot. How other people act. What feels good and what doesn’t. Plus they’re also in school learning academic knowledge too—math and science and reading and history.
Well, here’s a piece of advice from the great Dr. Becky (from her amazing book Good Inside) that we can translate to our kids, but also to ourselves:
Things are tough, things are frustrating because we’re learning, we as parents, them as kids. It’s fun to learn but it’s also exhausting. It’s supposed to be this way, just as lifting weights is supposed to make you sore. It’s the price you pay to get the thing you want—which is to learn, to be smart, to be capable, to get the hang of this life thing.
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Thu, 21 Mar 2024 - 1308 - You’re Not Trying To Raise Well-Behaved Kids
We have so many things we need to do as parents. There’s the logistics of it. The survival aspect of it (food and shelter). There’s the education we have to give them. There’s the experiences we want them to have. There’s the values and character we know need to be instilled.
We’re not trying to raise well-behaved kids. **As we’ve said before, we’re not trying to raise kids at all. The whole point of parenting is to raise our kids into adults, it’s trying to raise these little people into good human beings.
Of course, behavior matters but it’s not the end all be all. Tantrums aren’t great. Kids are sometimes going to be crazy. But as parents we need to remember that our primary job is teaching our kids how to manage and regulate their emotions and urges—it’s not to stamp them out because they embarrass us.
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Wed, 20 Mar 2024 - 1307 - A Much Better Way To Motivate
It’s important that we look for examples of people who have done great things as a result of their parent’s ability to believe in them, support them, and make them feel secure. We’ve talked about Jim Valvano many times here and tell the story in Daily Dad about how his dad packed his bags and told his son he was ready to watch him coach in the Final Four. We posted a great video of the comedian Andrew Schultz recently. Andrew told his father that his dream was to perform at Madison Square Gardens someday. Everyone else laughed or dismissed it. His father just looked at him and said, “I can see it.”
We think this idea—that you have to be your kids’ biggest supporter—is so important that in The Daily Dad book, the entire month of August is on the theme. The month of August inThe Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kidsis titled, “Always Be A Fan”—it is,as we’ve said, the greatest gift you can give your kids.
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Tue, 19 Mar 2024 - 1306 - Tackle This First
“Connection first,” is Dr. Becky’s advice in Good Inside. Connection as opposed to shame, to criticism, to questions, to doubt, to consequences. There will be time for all that (except shame) later. “Now, to be clear,” Dr. Becky writes, “connection does not mean approval…Connection is an opening that allows for movement. Connection is when we show our kids, ‘It’s okay to be you right now. Even when you’re struggling, it’s okay to be you. I am here with you, as you are.’”
Let’s start by slowing down. Let’s start by letting them know that this doesn’t change how we feel about them. Let’s start by letting them know that we’re here to help, that we’re on their team. Let’s start by letting them know that we love them (which, as we’ve said, you really cannot ever say too much). Once this is established, then we can get to work.
Connection is not at odds with accountability, with learning a lesson, with consequences or even criticism. In fact, it makes the chances of all these things landing even higher. Because they’ll be listening, they’ll be less on guard, they’ll see it not as part of the problem, but part of the solution.
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Mon, 18 Mar 2024 - 1305 - Ryan And Sam Holiday On Raising Well Adjusted Adults Not Well Behaved Children
On this episode of the Daily Dad Podcast, Ryan Holiday and his wife Samantha dive into the nuanced art of raising well-adjusted adults rather than merely well-behaved children. Drawing from their own experiences as parents, they emphasize the importance of fostering independence, resilience, and critical thinking skills in young minds.
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Sat, 16 Mar 2024 - 1304 - This Is The First Step
As Claire Tomalin writes in her book Jane Austen: A Life, we can trace the beginnings of Jane Austen’s greatness to her father’s library. “Their father’s bookshelves were of primary importance in fostering her talent,” she writes, “given that the first impulse to write stories comes from being entertained and excited by other people’s.” And her father had quite a library, **some 500 volumes.
It’s a crime, we’ve said, to raise a kid in a house without books. Our job is to surround our kids with great ideas, great writers, great art. We can’t expect it to turn all of them into groundbreaking creatives, but it will have that effect on some of them. In every case though, it will give them windows into other worlds, it will teach them empathy, it will entertain them and teach them lessons about life and human nature.
And more than just surrounding them with books, we have to demonstrate what being a reader looks like. Not on our phones, not on audiobooks, but good old fashioned reading.
We think this idea—that you have a responsibility to make reading a part of your children’s life—is so important that the month of September inThe Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kidsis all about it and titled “Raise A Reader.” It’s 30 days full of stories and lessons in learning, curiosity, and how to raise a reader.
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Fri, 15 Mar 2024 - 1303 - You Have To See What’s Really Going On
All that did happen. It shouldn’t have. It’s not ok that it did. But before you do anything, can you try this? Can you say to yourself, as Dr. Becky writes in Good Inside (a great book!), “Ok, one second. Let me take a breath. Let me see if I understand what’s happening here…”
In a sense, can you be a Stoic about it? Can you put your first impressions to the test, as Epictetus tells us, not be overwhelmed by the moment, as Marcus Aurelius said, and see what’s really happening? Because what’s really happening is that they are frustrated after being prodded and provoked by their siblings for days on end. What happened is that they’re overwhelmed by school, and they need help. What happened is that they’re desperate for connection. What happened is that they’re having bigger feelings than they’re equipped to deal with.
Talk to them, talk it through. Don’t be distracted by what’s on the surface, what is frustrating or inappropriate, but go to what’s really happening and help them there.
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Thu, 14 Mar 2024 - 1302 - This is The Cure
It doesn’t matter how driven you were. It doesn’t matter how much money is on the table. Having kids humbles you. We said recently that having kids changes you because it brings you up close and personal with something that actually means something and all your other worldly stuff naturally pales somewhat in comparison.
As the writer Stephen Marche describes (he has a great little book on writing and life), “the physical changes that occasionally transpire with women after birth—eczema disappearing, once intractable allergies going away—have a psychological equivalent. The flesh of little children is the cure for self-importance. Everything matters less. Having children does not necessarily make writing harder, but it makes it a lot harder to pretend that writing matters.”It makes it harder for that business trip to matter. Not when your son is struggling in school. It makes it harder for that big exit for your startup to matter…now that pursuing it has made your spouse contemplate an exit from your marriage (and now you’re staring down the heartbreak of shared custody). You thought it was all so important. You thought you were so important.
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Wed, 13 Mar 2024 - 1301 - Easy Like Sunday Morning
Why is your house so stressful? Why is everything such a fight? It doesn’t need to be. Sure, school is important. Rules and respect and basic cleanliness matter. But these things aren’t that important. Indeed, most conflicts that pop up while getting ready for school or sitting down to dinner or finishing household tasks aren’t that important.
Here’s a magical phrase worth thinking about as a parent. It’s from that great Lionel Richie song (and Faith No More cover): Easy like Sunday morning…
What if more of your days were like that? When you had less you were trying to force through? When you were slightly more relaxed? If you understood that it was your kids’ day too, that there was nothing that really had to happen?
P.S. If you’re looking to avoid falling back into bad habits when stress inevitably announces itself, consider checking out ourDaily Stoic Spring Forward challenge. We all think of March as the month we tend to get started on our spring cleaning, but how many of us spend the time to get our whole houses in order? Not just our physical spaces, but our minds, our routines, our assumptions? The challenge is designed to push you to examine those parts of your life, your choices, your relationships, and move you closer to living your best life. Become the person you aspire to be and enroll atdailystoic.com/springtoday!
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Tue, 12 Mar 2024 - 1300 - You Don’t Have To Like It, But You Should Try
It had been a long day. He was tired. He just wanted his teenage step-daughter Tegan, from the indie pop duo Tegan and Sara, to stop blasting the same album over and over. Besides, he hated Nirvana, which was just then about the biggest band in the world. So he told her to turn it off. He told her the music was driving him insane.
He was well within his rights…up until the point that he made a joke about Kurt Cobain’s sexuality. He should have known better. As Tegan explains in her fascinating book, High School (a must read for any parent with artistic children), she was just then coming to terms with her own identity. She went ballistic at her father. She was inconsolable. It was clearly not about the music at all.
Finally, after many apologies, her dad was able to talk to her. She played Nirvana’s Unplugged album for him. A fan of David Bowie, he was surprised by their cover of “The Man Who Sold the World.”
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Mon, 11 Mar 2024 - 1299 - You Are Your Kids Biggest Fan
On this episode of the Daily Dad podcast, best-selling author and renowned stoic philosopher, Ryan Holiday, shares an insightful and heartwarming story about a profound parenting conversation he had with a driver on his way to the San Diego airport. In this engaging narrative, Holiday reflects on the importance of being your child's biggest fan.
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Sat, 09 Mar 2024 - 1298 - They’re The Only Ones In There
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Dr. Becky (read Good Inside already!) says she tries to repeat it to get kids as often as possible: “You’re the only one in your body, so only you could know what you like.”She probably repeats it as much for her kid’s benefit as theirs. Because of course, they know what they like. The problem is that we tend to assume that we know better. And how could that be true? We’re not inside them, we’re not the same as them, as much as they sometimes seem like us. As we’ve said before, ‘knowing better’ is a corrosive thing, because it becomes less true over time and it’s hard to turn it off once you’ve internalized the assumption.
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Fri, 08 Mar 2024 - 1297 - They Need You To Do This For Them
There’s a story about Queen Elizabeth, told in Discipline is Destiny. After a long day of travel with her late husband, Prince Philip, the Queen found him worked up and in an argument with someone who was organizing an event.
What wouldn’t have worked in that situation with Prince Philip was the Queen coming over and telling him to get control of himself. It wouldn’t have helped for her to come in and pile on or take over the situation either. He was stuck in a loop, and she helped pull him out.
While it’s not our job to parent our spouses, this was a wonderful example of fantastic parent energy. When our kids are upset, we can help them with a simple redirect, an interruption, a distraction, we can give them an off-ramp. We can provide calming energy as opposed to amping things up, to adding more tension or stress to a situation by reprimanding them or telling them to shape up.
P.S. “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power,” Seneca said. If you’re looking to gain a little more temperance, for both your sake and your family’s sake, check out Ryan Holiday’sDiscipline is Destiny.Developing a practice of discipline not only makesitmore likely you’ll be successful, it ensures that whatever happens, you are great, both for yourself and those around you.Grab a copy today!✉️ Sign up for the Daily Dad email: DailyDad.com
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Thu, 07 Mar 2024 - 1296 - Your Future Is What You Make It
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In his fantastic book Outlive, Peter Attia (we carry the book at The Painted Porch and did a fantastic 2-hour interview with him on the Daily Stoic podcast) looks at this idea literally and figuratively. Will you want to be able to go skiing with your adult children? Will you want to be able to travel to see your grandkids? Will you want to live long enough to maybe get to see them get married or bring you great-grandkids? Just as important as whether these things are physically possible is will you have the kind of relationship that allows for this? Will your kids want to do those things with you?These are the questions you have to be thinking about. Not just thinking about, but making decisions and investments about and in. If you eat whatever you want, let your weight balloon, smoke, drink to excess—it doesn’t matter what dreams you have for your twilight years. You are making a powerful statement in reality about the actual value of those things to you. The same goes for how you balance work and life, whether you have put in the work on your issues, whether you’ve improved at repairing with your kids, whether you support and root for them or whether you judge and criticize them. Again, you can fantasize about family trips when you’re retired, but if, while you’re working, you’re a self-absorbed, miserable jerk—that’s never going to happen.
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Wed, 06 Mar 2024 - 1295 - What Will Your Kids See?
As she writes her memoir Suffragette, these incidents illustrate to her “the fact that the impressions of childhood often have more to do with character and future conduct than heredity or education. I tell it also to show that my development into an advocate of militancy was largely a sympathetic process.”
The lesson, which we built the whole first month of The Daily Dad book around, is a simple one: Children learn by example. It doesn’t matter so much what adults tell them, what ideology they try to teach them, what matters is what children see. And that children are far more perceptive than we might think.
P.S. “Thou Shall Teach By Example” is the 1st Commandment inThe Stoic Parent: 10 Commandments For Becoming A Better Parent. If you want to take your parenting to the next level, or just looking to set a better example as a parent,The Stoic Parent courseis 10 days of the most important things that you can do to become the best parent you can be. Sign up today at theDaily Stoic Store!
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Tue, 05 Mar 2024 - 1294 - The Key To Real Happiness
As we said recently, no parent has ever successfully shielded their child from negative feelings or distress. No parent has done it and no grown adult has ever looked back at their childhood and been grateful that their parents tried. “I’m so glad Mom and Dad kept me in a bubble of sunshine and kittens, that really set me up now that I’m on my own.”
Gaslighting someone about their feelings is not, and never has been, a service.
Dr. Becky Kennedy writes In Good Inside, her wonderful book about parenting (can’t recommend it enough), that “adults whose childhood were focused mainly on happiness are not only unprepared for tough moments, they experience more discomfort in those tough moments because deep down, they think they’re doing something wrong if they can’t ‘find the happy’ and get themselves to a ‘better place.’”
We’ve talked before about Seneca’s Consolations essays where he works his friends and family through the awful grief they are experiencing. It’s important that we understand this is how the Stoics—and hopefully your kids—learn to deal with strong emotions, period. You don’t stuff it down. You don’t mask it with smiles. You don’t seek out pleasure to counterbalance it. In fact, the more you do those things, the harder time you will have in the future if even more serious or distressing things happen.
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Mon, 04 Mar 2024 - 1293 - Are Your Kids Having Fun?
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad Podcast, Ryan shifts to the basketball court as he attends both of his son's game, unveiling profound lessons about team sports for kids and the essential role of adults in shaping their experiences. Amidst the cheers and competitive spirit, Holiday reflects on the delicate balance required in fostering a positive environment.
He observes that, while skill development is crucial, the paramount lesson lies in the importance of having fun. As an engaged parent and spectator, Holiday underscores the significance of adults maintaining perspective, encouraging sportsmanship, and emphasizing the joy of the game over mere victories. This insightful episode serves as a reminder that, ultimately, the true victory in youth sports lies in the smiles, camaraderie, and personal growth experienced by the young athletes on the court.
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Sat, 02 Mar 2024 - 1292 - It’s Part of The Job
Look, we get it: the iPad is a magical device. It can quiet even the craziest kid. It can take them into a world of learning and exploration that is literally miraculous. Best of all, most of this content is free!
Books on the other hand are not free and they take up so much space. Lugging them around can be a pain. You’re a grown-ass person. Do you really have to read about why dragons love tacos again? Or what Frodo is going to do with that stupid ring? And read it with the excited tone of a voice-over actor?
Yes. The answer is yes. Your house and your life must be filled with books. Good ones. Silly ones. Annoying ones. Used ones. New ones. Reading is part of the job. “A house without books is like a room without windows,” Horace Mann once said. “No man has a right to bring up his children without surrounding them with books, if he has the means to buy them.”
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Fri, 01 Mar 2024 - 1291 - Deal With It Now
We all have our issues. We had trauma from childhood. We have bad habits we picked up in college. We have scripts we learned, patterns we’ve repeated, coping mechanisms we’ve developed.
We prefer not to die with them, to carry them always. But when exactly are we planning on dealing with them? In a perfect world, we would have gotten serious about it before we had kids. In the next best world, we’d deal with them now.
“All I know is that as we age the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier,” Bruce Springsteen explains in his spectacular autobiography Born To Run, “…much heavier.” We talked before about his strange and disorienting childhood, which was warped by the grief of his grandparents and their inclination to spoil him, along with the distance and demons of his father. He related that, like a lot of us, “the defenses I built to withstand the stress of my childhood, to save what I had of myself, outlived their usefulness…” When the bill comes due, Springsteen says, the payment is in tears.
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Thu, 29 Feb 2024 - 1290 - Watch What Happens
In her book Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy shares something that a mom wrote to her. “I feel guilty for all those years I punished my daughter and gave time-outs,” the woman wrote. “I always thought, ‘It’s too late, I messed up my kids forever.’” But of course, as we’ve been talking about, it’s never too late—never too late to change, never too late to repair. That mom decided she wasn’t just going to feel guilty, she was going to talk to her kids about it. “I told my 8-year-old that I’ve learned more about what kids need and that I wish I hadn’t given her so many time-outs in the moments she needed me most. I saw her body soften. I really did. We hugged. It felt really important.”
Well, we can’t make our parents do that. We can’t change what happened then or in the early days of our own parenting journey. But we’ve learned some stuff since then, we’ve gotten better. And so we can repair. Nothing is messed up forever—not if we choose to be vulnerable enough, loving enough, brave enough to try to address it. We can do that. We must do that. Watch what happens when we do.
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Wed, 28 Feb 2024 - 1289 - You Are Different Now
There’s even an expression (one we’ve rebutted before) about how a stroller in the hall is the enemy of great art. Parenting comes with so many obligations, so many stresses—it is so all-consuming, it can’t help but be a distraction. But the writer Stephen Marche (who has an amazing little book on writing), once explained that “Being a writer and being a parent, I have found, are in conflict but not for the reasons most believe—the loss of time, the sleeplessness, the responsibility for another life, the fixedness in place, the need to make money to support them. Having children, like losing your virginity, changes the nature of meaning.”
You have seen something, finally gotten something that people tried to tell you but you just couldn’t understand. Happiness is not in achievement, it’s not in stuff, it’s in people—specifically, it’s with these people. It’s in the stillness. The presence is the present, the gift that never gets old. And once you get this, you can still succeed and achieve, to be sure, but you can never go back to how you were before.
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Tue, 27 Feb 2024 - 1288 - It’s Almost Too Painful to See
Only when it’s over will we realize it. Only when it’s all been stripped away will we be able to see.
How not present we were. How much we took it for granted. How often we prioritized the wrong thing. How needlessly strict or harsh we were.
For Joan Didion, whose beautiful (but haunting) books A Year of Magical Thinking and Blue Nights, we have been learning from and talking about, this came when she lost her husband and her adult daughter in short order. The books she wrote were about grief sure, but not just grief at what had disappeared but also grief at the unavoidable realizations that came from that loss.
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Mon, 26 Feb 2024 - 1287 - Ryan Holiday And Nathan Barry On Parenting Advice And Applying Stoicism In Our Routine (Part 2)
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks to creator, author, designer, and the founder of ConvertKit Nathan Barry on having kids earlier in their career, their interest in farms and outdoors, the process of Emotional Vaccination and applying stoicism in our parenting routine.
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Sat, 24 Feb 2024 - 1286 - We’re In This Together
When we say “our own” we don’t think Americans or whatever country we live in, we think race. Or we think our blood relatives. That’s awful. This system we live in demands that we think of ourselves as more than just parents to our own kids. We have to think generationally. We can’t just think about getting ours, or protecting ours. We have to think like a village, like a group.
The Stoics remind us that we are “made for each other.” Marcus Aurelius spoke dozens of times about the “common good.” He didn’t just care about his kids. He cared about everybody’s kids. Because that’s what justice—what doing the right thing—demands of us.
It’s better to think of “our kids” as everybody. We’re all in this together, every single parent. We’re all better if we’re doing better, together.
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Fri, 23 Feb 2024 - 1285 - It’s Only Been Given For An Hour
Seneca knew from experience. In one of the most dreadful periods of his life, he lost his livelihood, his home and then his young child. He was exiled on false charges. He buried an infant.
Fortune…she can be cruel.
As Seneca wrote to Marcia, the daughter of a prominent Roman historian, in his beautiful and moving “Consolations” essays:
“Snatch the pleasures your children bring, let your children in turn find delight in you, and drain joy to the dregs without delay; no promise has been given you for this night—nay, I have offered too long a respite!—no promise has been given even for this hour.”
Two thousand years later, that hard-won reminder holds true. Nothing is promised. The future is not certain. It’s a scary world—one we’re hostages to, as we’ve said. But we can’t dwell in sadness or fear.
All we can do is hold our children tight. We must snatch the pleasures they bring us and bring them pleasures too. Drain joy to the dregs together. Enjoy the hour…because not one second more is guaranteed.
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Thu, 22 Feb 2024 - 1284 - It’s Like This For Everyone
We talked about Lincoln recently, who used to bring his “brats” to the office, in the words of William Herndon, Lincoln’s law partner. As much as he hated the noise, Herndon actually seemed to admire Lincoln’s ability to deal with this. “The boys were absolutely unrestrained in their amusement,” he noted. “If they pulled down all the books from the shelves, bent the points of all the pens, overturned inkstands, scattered law papers over the floor or threw the pencils into the spittoon, it never disturbed the serenity of their father’s good nature.”
The lesson here is twofold. First off, it’s a reminder that you’re not alone in raising absolute hellions. That’s just what kids are—and they never really stop being them (they find new ways of stirring stuff up when they’re older!). Two, really the only part of this that reflects on you is how you respond to it. If it turns you into a monster, if it makes you mean or nasty or makes you throw a fit in response to their fit? Well that’s the real problem.
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Wed, 21 Feb 2024 - 1283 - You Won’t Be Able To Do This
Nobody likes it when their kids are sad. It breaks our hearts when they feel lonely, ashamed, or frustrated. We’d like to just make this all go away, to protect them from all this, so they can feel happy all the time.
But that’s not possible (nor is it, as we’ve talked about, actually a recipe for happiness).
In Good Inside, the great Dr. Becky writes, “I don’t know one adult who has ever said, ‘Wow, my parents really got all those uncomfortable feelings out of me! The disappointment and frustration and envy…they convinced them all out of me! They successfully distracted me so much that now, as an adult, I never feel these things! I am happy all the time!’”
You can’t—just as your parents couldn’t—tell them to stuff their feelings down. You can’t gaslight them into thinking the negative feelings aren’t there. You can’t make life so wonderful and fun that they’re never sad or angry or jealous or frustrated.
We can’t do it. We shouldn’t try to do it.
Instead, we have to try to raise and cultivate kids who know how to deal with those feelings. We can teach them how to deal with frustration. We can inform them that, sadly, frustration is an inevitable part of life—that things don’t always work out, that stuff breaks, that obstacles arise. We can empower them to understand their feelings, to be aware of them, to process them, to find healthy outlets for them.
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Tue, 20 Feb 2024 - 1282 - You Gotta Cut Them Some Slack
It’s hard to be a kid, as we’ve said many times. It’s hard to make transitions between worlds. It’s hard to come home after a long day of behaving and not misbehave. They want personal space. They want some freedom. What they need is some empathy and understanding. You want and need these things and you’re an adult who has a lot more practice, has a lot more resources and a lot more maturity.
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Mon, 19 Feb 2024 - 1281 - Ryan Holiday And Austin Kleon On Maintaining Healthy Habits & Growing As Parents (Daily Dad Book Tour Pt 2)
Ryan speaks with his longtime friend fellow father Austin Kleon during a stop along his book tour for The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids. They discuss the life habits that they maintain in order to help fuel their creative success, why the most effective form of parenting is indirect, what parenting skills they are working on right now, how adopting a daily journaling habit vastly improved their lives, and more.
Austin Kleon is a writer, author, artist, speaker, and blogger whose work focuses on creativity in the modern world. Although he is most known for his five New York Times bestselling books Steal Like An Artist:10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative, Show Your Work!, Keep Going, Steal Like An Artist Journal, and Newspaper Blackout, Austin has spoken for organizations such as Pixar, Google, SXSW, TEDx, and The Economist. He lives in Austin, Texas with his wife and sons. You can follow his work at austinkleon.com, Instagram @austinkleon, and Twitter @austinkleon.
You can listen to a few of Austin’s other appearances on The Daily Stoic YouTube channel:
Ryan Holiday & Austin Kleon Discuss Stoicism, Creativity, Journaling & MoreRyan Holiday and Austin Kleon On How To Increase Creativity With Stoicism✉️ Sign up for the Daily Dad email: DailyDad.com
📱 Follow Daily Dad: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTubeSat, 17 Feb 2024 - 1280 - You Can Be A Parent Anywhere
When we think teacher, we think classroom. When we think leader, we think the corner office or the lectern or a general in front of their troops. But the truth is that a teacher can do their job anywhere and in many forms, just as a leader can.
Plutarch would say of Socrates that he “did not set up desks for his students, sit in a teacher’s chair, or reserve a prearranged time for lecturing and walking with his pupils. No, he practiced philosophy while joking around (when the chance arose) and drinking and serving on military campaigns and hanging around the marketplace with some of his students, and finally, even while under arrest and drinking the hemlock. He was the first to demonstrate that our lives are open to philosophy at all times and in every aspect, while experiencing every emotion, and in each and every activity.”
As with teaching and with leadership and with philosophy, so too with parenting. You can be a parent anywhere. It’s not just on fishing trips or at family dinners. It’s not just about carrying them around in a baby bjorn or going to back-to-school night. It’s not about punishments or incentives, or rules or life lessons, though of course it’s also about all these things too.
Remember what we’ve talked about with quality time vs. garbage time? It may just be that the most impact you’ll have as a dad will come while joking around, it may come on a walk, it may come with how you do your job (and show them your work), it may come on a family vacation or it may come while you’re watching TV and make some passing comment that lands in exactly the right way. It may come—god forbid—on your deathbed, as you depart from this life with courage and compassion, showing them that they don’t need to be afraid, that you love them and that they’ll be okay without you.
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Fri, 16 Feb 2024 - 1279 - They Don’t Want This
Bruce Springsteen’s childhood was a strange one. His mother worked to support their family. His father was distant and harsh. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents, who spoiled him, in part because they were grieving the loss of their own daughter years earlier.
“His Majesty, the Baby,” is how his childhood is described in the fascinating book Deliver Me From Nowhere (incredible book, by the way). Springsteen would admit that this kind of attention and celebration “seems to a kid like a great thing, but it’s exactly what a kid doesn’t want. Very problematic, it caused me a lot of trouble. To this day. It destroyed me and it made me. At the same time.”
As we said before, nobody likes a spoiled child…especially the spoiled children. It warps their sense of reality. It makes them both entitled and strips them of pleasure—because they come to take it for granted. The attention ceases to have meaning because it feels like a birthright. It suffocates and isolates. They are deprived of skills they need, confidence and character they need.
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Thu, 15 Feb 2024 - 1278 - Your Calendar Doesn’t Lie
Marcus even wrote a testament to his love for his wife and their life together in a letter to his tutor Fronto. “I call the gods to witness,” he wrote, “that I would I were now living in exile with [Faustina] rather than without her on the Palatine.” Sure, the palaces were nice and so was power. He had an important job. But none of it was better than spending time with his lovely partner.
It’s a wonderful sentiment, but is it true? Marcus Aurelius spent years away from Rome, fighting wars, visiting the provinces. He spent time in Greece, as all students of philosophy considered a must. He had cases to adjudicate, dignitaries to receive, things to write. No doubt he spent a lot of time reading, a lot of time training, a lot of time committed to serving the people of Rome.
It means putting the time on our calendar, scheduling play time, and sticking to it. Because you may be able to deceive yourself, but at the end of the day, your calendar doesn’t lie.✉️ Sign up for the Daily Dad email: DailyDad.com
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Wed, 14 Feb 2024 - 1277 - It’s Not Easy To Be Your Kid
It’s not easy for lots of reasons. Gay Talese, who knew the Didion family (who we’ve been talking about a lot recently), speculates in Evelyn McDonnell’s biography of Joan Didion (signed copies here) what it must have been like to be Quintana Roo, their adopted daughter.
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Tue, 13 Feb 2024 - 1276 - The Compass That Guides Us
These are the Cardinal Virtues, which Zeno laid down in the 3rd Century B.C. as:
Courage
Discipline
Justice
Wisdom
We need these virtues and we need to teach these virtues to our children. Their life…and the future hinges on it. So memorize these four virtues. Act on them. Live them. Parent by them. And keep them close to your heart always.
If you want to carry the Four Virtues around like a compass,, over at Daily Stoic, we createdthe Four Virtues Medallion.
INSERT 4V MEDALLION PIC
The front ofthe Four Virtues Medallionfeatures a custom-designed seal with four elements representing the Four Virtues: a lion (Courage), a man sprinkling water into a jug of wine (Temperance), a set of scales (Justice), and an owl (Wisdom). On the back is an admonition not to exchange the Four Virtues for others—for there is no other set of virtues that will serve you better than these.
As with all our other coins, the Four Virtues Medallion is handcrafted in the United States by a custom mint operating in Minnesota since 1882. Each coin is shipped with an accompanying information card, explaining the Four Virtues to its fortunate recipient. Each coin has a unique finish and character.
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Mon, 12 Feb 2024 - 1275 - Ryan Holiday And Casey Neistat On The Purpose Of Parenthood (Daily Dad Book Tour Pt 1)
While on tour for his new book The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids, Ryan met up with his longtime friend and occasional running partner Casey Neistat for a live interview at Barnes & Noble in Union Square during which they shared the story of how they met, reflections and wisdom they have gleaned from their journeys through parenthood, the work and life habits that have led to their success, their advice for new parents, and more.
Casey Neistat is a YouTube personality, filmmaker, vlogger, the co-founder of the multimedia company Beme, and the founder of the creative and collaborative space for creators 368. His main body of work consists of dozens of short films he has released exclusively on the Internet, including regular contributions to the New York Times critically acclaimed Op-Doc series. His online films and videos have been viewed over three billion times. You can find his work on his website www.caseyneistat.com and on his social media channels: YouTube: CaseyNeistat, IG: @caseyneistat, Twitter: @Casey.
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Sat, 10 Feb 2024 - 1274 - Aren’t You A Little Old For That?
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try atbetterhelp.com/dailydadand get on your way to being your best self.”
When our kids mess up we say: Aren’t you a little old for that? And we have all sorts of rules of thumb for what things are age appropriate or not—what age they should stop having accidents, what age they should stop throwing a tantrum just because they’re tired, what age it stops being okay for other people to have to pick up after them.
“We ought not willingly add to old age, which has many of its own problems, the shame of misbehaviors.” That’s Cato the Elder, who seems to have really lived up to that second part of his name. You’re too old to act out. And even if you weren’t, remember your kids are always watching—a little fellow follows you—so act like the adult that they believe you are.✉️ Sign up for the Daily Dad email: DailyDad.com
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Fri, 09 Feb 2024 - 1273 - It Should Be Part Of Who You Are
There’s an interesting passage in Evelyn McDonnell’s fascinating biography of Joan Didion (who we have written about many times and we also just had Evelyn on the Daily Stoic podcast), that points out another about the difference between how the public saw Didion and her husband John Gregory Dunne, also a great and successful writer. One was clearly identified as a parent and the other was not, even though Dunne actually wrote a whole book about the topic! As we’ve said before, by talking about the joys and the struggles of parenting you are helping other parents.You are putting things out in the open.
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Thu, 08 Feb 2024 - 1272 - Do It While You Can
We all feel a little self-conscious about it. Our kids don’t behave as well as we’d like. They make a mess. They make an incredible amount of noise. Perhaps this is why we keep them at home, why we’re always apologizing, preparing people in advance for the hurricane that may or may not come through. Maybe some of us fear being overshadowed by our kids or judged for having them with us—that it will undermine our image as professionals.
Don’t apologize. Do your best to clean up, to teach them how to behave, but bring the brats with you. You won’t regret it in the long run…even if on occasion you do.
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Wed, 07 Feb 2024 - 1271 - It’s A Window. See It As A Window
The tantrum. The whining about going to school. The punch that’s thrown. The slipping grades. The sneaking out. The lie. The shouting. The moping around the house.
These are not things you like to see your kids do. Maybe these are things you’ve talked to them about before, maybe a million times. But maybe that’s the problem. You’re seeing the wrong thing. You’re talking about the wrong thing.
In her wonderful book Good Inside (yes, we love it), Dr. Becky Kennedy writes that “on the surface we see a behavior, but underneath we see a person.” We’ve said before that your kids are always talking to you—just not necessarily with words. “Throwing the cereal box wasn’t the main event,” Dr. Becky explains. “It was a window into the main event. Behavior, in all its forms, is a window: into the feelings, thoughts, urges, sensations, perceptions, and unmet needs of a person. Behavior is never “the story” **but rather it’s a clue to the bigger story begging to be addressed.”
What a wonderful gift it would be to your family, to everyone you met, if you could start seeing behavior not as a thing to be upset about but a window into how someone is doing, what is going on with them. We’ve said it many times—they’re telling you that they’re hungry, that they’re tired, that they’re scared, that they’re lonely, that they’re overwhelmed or stressed. But they don’t know how to say that…so they lash out, so they hide in their room, so they call you something mean.
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Mon, 05 Feb 2024 - 1270 - You’ve Done Your Job
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try atbetterhelp.com/dailydadand get on your way to being your best self.”
The great John Wooden would practice his team hard through the week. He’d run through the plans over and over and over again. Yet as they left the locker room and headed out onto the court for the game, he would say to the team, “Well, I’ve done my job.” He wasn’t going to be micromanaging them from the sideline. It was their turn to do their job.And so it goes for us as parents. At some point, we have to leave them at the entrance to the school. At their job. With their own finances. With their own children. We can’t solve every problem. We can’t prevent everything from going wrong. That’s their job.
Jessica Lahey’s wonderful book The Gift of Failure (pick it up at The Painted Porch) reminds us that by not giving them this chance, by not letting them try and struggle to do their job, we’re actually harming them. We’re setting them up for more failure down the road…and less ability to deal with it.
Giving children the space to struggle because we believe in them, because we believe even more in what will come out the other side, isn’t always easy—for us or them. That’s why one side of ourLuctor et Emergo medallionfeatures the mantra, “good, not easy,” surrounded by three other reminders we parents need each day: “let them struggle,” “show them support,” “help them grow.”Get oneto carry around with you atthe Daily Dad Storetoday!
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Tue, 06 Feb 2024 - 1268 - Ryan Holiday And Nathan Barry On Simple Parenting Techniques
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks to creator, author, designer, and the founder of ConvertKit Nathan Barry on having kids earlier in their career, their interest in farms and outdoors, and the process of Emotional Vaccination.
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Sat, 03 Feb 2024 - 1267 - Your Character Determines Everything
These are challenging, uncertain times, no question. What’s at the root of it? How did we get here? And what can fathers do about it?
The answer comes to us, as it often does, from an ancient prescription: Character is fate. Who a person is determines what will happen and what they can do. It should surprise no one that a culture that has put character at the absolute bottom of the list of requirements for its leaders—below whether they tell us what we want to hear, below how clever their tweets are, below how they look on television, below whether they’ll pass short-term measures that benefit us financially, below whether they belong to this party or that one—would find itself in crisis after crisis.
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Fri, 02 Feb 2024 - 1266 - This is Power
Rich is how much you get to see your kids, we said recently. We were redefining wealth away from material items and salary—although these things are nice as far as they go—and towards a thing that pretty much everyone wishes they had more of: time with the people you love most.
Is it really a rich life if you are missing out on something so priceless?
Perhaps it’s worth also taking a minute to do some similar considerations about power. There are the obvious trappings of power: The corner office. The gatekeepers. The influence you have over world events or an audience. The presidency. The title.
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Thu, 01 Feb 2024 - 1265 - You Ain’t Got Time
Maybe you did before, but you can’t now. Before you could afford to get sucked into drama, to gossip, to get into long arguments with your buddies, to be petty, to hold grudges, to follow the latest breaking news or celebrity.
But now? Now, you need to remind yourself: I ain’t got time for that.
Because you don’t. You have kids now. You have people you’re responsible for. You have a big enough struggle on your hands.
Your crazy coworker is their own problem. That actor who cheated on their spouse is in their own mess. Your dumb neighbor with the flag for the political cult they’ve joined…Your sibling’s poor financial choices…That person who is embarrassingly wrong on the internet…You ain’t got time for that.
Not one second. You ain’t got one second for that anymore.
TEMPUS FUGIT
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Wed, 31 Jan 2024 - 1264 - It’s Never Too Late To Do This
We’ve said before that it’s never too late. It’s never too late, as a parent, to follow your dreams—to show your kids that they can too. It’s never too late to start showing up. It’s never too late to deal with your demons. It’s never too late to change. Sooner is better of course, but it’s never too late.
It’s also never too late to do that thing we’ve been talking about a lot recently—repair. “Repair can happen ten minutes after a blowup, ten days later, or ten years later,” Dr. Becky Kennedy writes in Good Enough. “Never ever doubt the power of repair—every time you go back to your child, you allow him to rewire, to rewrite the ending of the story so it concludes in connection and understanding, rather than aloneness and fear.”
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Tue, 30 Jan 2024 - 1263 - You Have To Come Down
It’s a wonderful state—being in flow. Getting caught up in your work. Getting caught up in the moment. And before you had kids, you lived for this…in fact, you may well have lived in it.
Life was simpler then. You would get lost for days at a time in a project. You could spend years, it would seem in retrospect, in the building stages of a company, in the pursuit of a dream, in finding yourself, in exploring the world.
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Mon, 29 Jan 2024 - 1262 - Ryan and Sam Holiday on Protecting Your Headspace
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on how Sam prepares for writing Ryan, Integrating his routine in a well adjusted life, how this year is going to be different, all while protecting their headspace.
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Sat, 27 Jan 2024 - 1261 - Make Them Do It On Their Own
There is a great story about a young Spartan woman, Gorgo, who would one day become queen. Despite her royal status, like all Spartans she was raised to be self-sufficient, and without any frills or needless luxury. So imagine Gorgo’s surprise when she witnessed a distinguished visitor to Sparta have his shoes put on by a servant. “Look, father,” she said, “the stranger has no hands!”
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Fri, 26 Jan 2024 - 1260 - Help Them Understand This Distinction
We have emotions. We experience stressful situations. We have intrusive thoughts.
So really what we have to teach our kids, Dr. Becky writes in her incredible book Good Inside (must read!), is how to differentiate urge from action. “Having the urge to bite is okay,” she explains, “biting a person is not. Having the urge to hit is okay; hitting a person is not okay.” We know this to be true in our adult lives—that there’s a big difference between being angry and then doing something rash or irresponsible or hurtful out of anger. We know that we can type the email and not send it. We know that we can want to quit on the spot but think better of it.
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Thu, 25 Jan 2024 - 1259 - You Can Go In A Different Direction
Our parents weren’t everything we needed. Maybe it was more time we needed. More understanding. More kindness. More support. More love. More just them having their act together.
But they weren’t this. Sadly, they also weren’t what the world needed either. Few generations have been. They kicked problems down the road. They started wars that cost blood and treasure to little purpose. They abused the environment. They averted their gaze, turned their hearts away from sufferings and injustice.
In a recent interview on Marc Maron’s podcast, Arnold Schwarzenegger talked about how his own life, as a parent, as a politician, as a person was largely driven by the desire to go in a different direction than the example of his father and his father’s generation. His father had been a Nazi, his father drank too much, his father smacked his kids around.
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Wed, 24 Jan 2024 - 1258 - You Gotta Let Them Do The Rest
George Dewey was a kid who got in trouble a lot. His father was always bailing him out. Finally, as a last ditch effort, he secured his son entrance into the U.S Naval Academy in 19XX.
“George, I’ve done all I can for you,” his father told him as he dropped him off. “The rest you must do for yourself.” We talked a while back about how you have to let your kids fail, you have to let them struggle. As we’ve said before Luctor Et Emergo—from the struggle they emerge (we have a cool challenge coin as a reminder for parents).
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Tue, 23 Jan 2024 - 1257 - All They Wanted
The bike was nice. So was the trip to Disneyland. So was being able to graduate from college without student debt. They appreciated the presents. They appreciated the clothes that fit.
Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they took for granted what it cost for you to buy a house where they could have their own room. Maybe they didn’t understand what it took out of you to give them a better life than you had, to pay for all this stuff, to pay to go to all these places.
Maybe they didn’t understand because that stuff wasn’t really what they wanted, even if they said they did. Because—and you know this already, you do—all they really wanted was you. They wanted you to be present, more than they wanted presents. They wanted your love, your attention, they wanted your acceptance. They wanted your support. They wanted you to be proud of them. They wanted you to apologize. They wanted you to understand them.
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Mon, 22 Jan 2024 - 1256 - Ryan Holiday And Dr. Becky Kennedy On Emotional Vaccination (PT 2)
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad Podcast, Ryan talks with clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy on how we emotionally vaccinate, the ability to cope through stress, educating our kids on emotions and her new book Good Inside
Dr. Becky Kennedy is an American clinical psychologist who is founder and chief executive officer of the Good Inside company, an online parenting advice service. She has been called the "millennial parent whisperer" by Time Magazine and is a number one New York Times bestseller for her book Good Inside. As a mom of three, when she was first starting out, she practiced a popular behavior-first, reward-and-punishment model of parent coaching. But, after a while, something struck her: those methods feel awful–for kids and parents. She put together everything she knew about attachment, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and internal family systems theory, and translated those ideas into a new method for working with parents.
Podcast: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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Sat, 20 Jan 2024 - 1255 - It’s a Long Run We’ve Signed Up For
The career opportunities are hard to turn down. It’s hard in the moment, as we’ve talked about, to be able to think too far into the future. It’s hard to make much in the way of long term investments as a parent because you’re so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of the present.
But we have to remember what we’re after, we have to keep in perspective that this is a marathon we’ve signed up for. We quoted the baseball player Anthony Rendon recently about how he was having to weigh painful but career-elongating surgeries and the grind of continuing to play against the kind of shape he wants to be in as his kids get older and the kind of relationship he can have with them. “Right now, it looks like we are only playing for these next four years of baseball,” Rendon said, “but I’m trying to hang out with my kids for the rest of their lives.”
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Fri, 19 Jan 2024 - 1254 - Rules Are Important
You didn’t like rules when you were a kid. Your parents had too many. Your school was a prison of pointless, arbitrary ones—how you could dress, when you could go to the bathroom, how you had to hold the pencil.
So it makes sense that you’re averse to them now. It’s good that you question how many of them matter and don’t want to make the same mistakes as adults did in your own childhood.
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Thu, 18 Jan 2024 - 1253 - Show Them Like This
There are lots of ways to read, ways that have improved the experience and opened up the world of literature to people who otherwise would have missed out. Ebooks are awesome. Audiobooks are spectacular.
They let you read anywhere. They let you read faster. They let you read while you’re multitasking. All from the convenience of a device in your pocket smaller than the smallest book.
But that’s sort of the problem isn’t it? Your kids have no idea that that is what you’re using your phone for. To them, you could just as easily be on Twitter. You could be answering emails and working like you always do. You could be betting on sports.
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Wed, 17 Jan 2024 - 1252 - You Owe Them This
You know your kids are good. You’ve seen their sweetness, their cuteness since the beginning. You’ve seen them try. You’ve seen them feel shame when they’ve messed up.
You also know how hard it is to be a person, let alone a kid, in this world. Life is frustrating. Life is tough. It’s full of temptations. It’s easy to make mistakes. It’s easy to get overwhelmed.
Dr. Becky Kennedy - Good Inside
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Tue, 16 Jan 2024 - 1251 - Being This Young Is Art
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try atbetterhelp.com/dailydadand get on your way to being your best self.”
How flexible you were then. How much energy you had. What you could eat without consequence. The innocence. The earnestness. The sweetness. You had it once and now, it’s gone, disappeared beneath the years and the experiences and everything else.When Taylor Swift sang ‘being this young is art,’ she wasn’t talking about your kids, about kids generally, but she may as well have been. And it’s high time we appreciate it. Because it’s something special, something irreplaceable, something that one can only do for a short time, at a very specific time.
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Mon, 15 Jan 2024 - 1250 - Ryan and Sam Holiday On Creating Better Systems In 2024
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on Their word for 2024 being systems, designing the system around people instead of people around the system, and creating plans before they happen instead of during the chaos.
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Sat, 13 Jan 2024 - 1249 - They’re Doing What They Do
The late Paul Woodruff told a wonderful story in his episode on the Daily Stoic podcast. Before he died, he loved birdwatching and had a bird feeder in his backyard. But the squirrels kept stealing the birdseed he was putting out. This was frustrating and annoying and he found himself growing angry.
But then he remembered a passage from Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations about how we should accept when things are doing what their nature demands. The squirrels were not trying to give Paul a hard time, they did not mean any harm. The squirrels were simply doing what they do. They were doing what their nature demanded.
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Fri, 12 Jan 2024 - 1248 - Help Them Become Who They Are
Bruce Springsteen has three children: Evan, Jessica, and Sam. One of them is an Olympic-level equestrian (which can not have been a cheap or easy interest to encourage, nor always a fun one to watch). His son, Sam, recently became a New Jersey firefighter (a scary thought for any parent). Clearly, Bruce and his wife Patti have figured out how to help their children become who they are, and to realize their potential.
“I wanted them to see people that did a lot of other things,” Bruce once said in an interview, “be around people who would shape them and they would have a lot of options.” Perhaps his inclination to encourage them to pursue their dreams comes from his own experience. In his autobiography, Springsteen takes us back to when he was 7 years old and watched the controversial rockstar Elvis Presley’s appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. When Elvis walked off the stage, “I sat there transfixed in front of the television set, my mind on fire. I had the same two arms, two legs, two eyes; I looked hideous but I’d figure that part out… so what was missing? THE GUITAR! The next day I convinced my mom to take me to Diehl’s Music on South Street in Freehold. There, with no money to spend, we rented a guitar.”
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Thu, 11 Jan 2024 - 1247 - What Are You Playing For?
It can be hard in the moment to think of anything else. You have lunches to make. Practices to get to. Birthday parties to plan. Work to do. Childhoods to survive.
Having kids is so overwhelming that your ability to conceive of two weeks from now, let alone the future, is severely compromised. This isn’t entirely a bad thing—it’s good to be in the moment, to not get too far ahead of yourself.
But at the same time, you do need to make sure that you consider more than just this moment.
The baseball player Anthony Rendon has talked about how he’s needed to balance optimizing not just for his professional career but his goals as a parent. “Even if the season doesn’t work out or the next four years don’t work out,” he said recently, “I’m planning for taking care of my kids when they get older. Hip surgeries, wrist surgeries, ankle surgeries … I want to play with them when they are 10, 12, 15 years old.”
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Wed, 10 Jan 2024 - 1246 - Rich Is How Much You Get To See Your Kids
There are lots of different trappings of wealth. A big house. A nice car. Exotic vacations. First-class flights? Private flights? Not everyone can afford these things. In fact, that’s sort of the point—they are considered fancy and elite because of how elusive they are.
But is this really wealth? Or is this just materialism?
On Christmas (and it’s the Dec 25th entry in *The Daily Da*d book, too), we quoted Paul Orfalea, the billionaire founder of Kinkos, who defined ‘success’ as having kids who come home for the holidays. He was saying that there are lots of wealthy people out there who don’t have that, who are estranged from their family. But what’s interesting about this idea is that it is largely focused on where you and your kids end up later in life, when they have a choice about how much they see you.
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Tue, 09 Jan 2024 - 1245 - Don’t Send Them In Defenseless
Your kids are going to face stuff in life. Big stuff for sure–failing tests, being made fun of, getting fired, losing something important to them. We may wish we could prevent that from happening, but we can’t. We teach them resilience instead.
But our kids are also going to face little situations too. The TV is going to have to be turned off at some point, and they’re not going to like it. They’re going to have to get up early for school tomorrow. Their routines are going to change. They’re going to have to try new things. They’re going to be out of their comfort zone.
This is going to bring up strong emotions: Frustration. Fear. Anger. Annoyance. Sadness.
The answer to this is also resilience, but in a more specific way. Dr. Becky talks about this in her fantastic book Good Inside, referring to a strategy she calls “emotional vaccination.”
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Mon, 08 Jan 2024 - 1244 - Ryan Holiday And Dr. Becky Kennedy On Emotional Vaccination (PT 1)
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad Podcast, Ryan talks with clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy on how we emotionally vaccinate, the ability to cope through stress, educating our kids on emotions and her new book Good Inside
Dr. Becky Kennedy is an American clinical psychologist who is founder and chief executive officer of the Good Inside company, an online parenting advice service. She has been called the "millennial parent whisperer" by Time Magazine and is a number one New York Times bestseller for her book Good Inside. As a mom of three, when she was first starting out, she practiced a popular behavior-first, reward-and-punishment model of parent coaching. But, after a while, something struck her: those methods feel awful–for kids and parents. She put together everything she knew about attachment, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and internal family systems theory, and translated those ideas into a new method for working with parents.
Podcast: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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Sat, 06 Jan 2024 - 1243 - Show Them What They’ll Get Out Of This
Most schools and most parents teach reading all wrong. They bully kids into doing it. They pressure them. They tell them, “Reading is what smart and successful people do.” Then they’re surprised when kids who struggled with reading don’t think they’re smart, and they wonder why kids almost wear illiteracy as a badge of honor. They wonder why people say things like, “I haven’t read a book since I was forced to in high school.”
No, the way to teach a kid to read is not to talk about how wonderful literature is and force them to read fancy or pretentious novels. You teach a kid to love books by—as the great lover of books Robert Greene has said—appealing to their self-interest. *Show them what they will get out of books.*Tangibly. Immediately. Show them that quote from Warren Buffet, where he says the single best investment he ever made was buying a copy of Benjamin Graham’s The Intelligent Investor.
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Fri, 05 Jan 2024 - 1242 - This Is What We Have To Try To Get Better At
We spend so much time at the office, trying to get better at our jobs, trying to make a little more money, trying to climb further up the ladder. We spend hours in the gym over the course of a life, trying to get into better shape, trying to hit personal records. We spend mountains of time online, trying to help our fantasy football teams, trying to find discount codes to save money shopping, trying to stay abreast of our friends’ and families’ lives (or so we tell ourselves).
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Thu, 04 Jan 2024 - 1241 - You Have To Know How These Things Land
It doesn’t feel like they listen. In fact, we have pretty visible evidence that they don’t. We tell them not to do this or that and then we watch them do that exact thing. We warn them, remind them, advise them…and then they come to us crying or complaining or in trouble, having heeded none of that guidance.
So you can be forgiven for missing the fact that not only are they listening to what you say, but that your words have an enormous effect on them. So much so that you have to really, really be careful.
Think about your own life. Are there not things that your parents said that still weigh on you? The way your father would call you lazy. The comments your mother made about food or your weight. The way they would tease you. The things they said about your grades. The tone they used when they were disappointed or angry.
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Wed, 03 Jan 2024 - 1240 - This is What It Costs
We’ve been quoting recently from the old children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit, about a toy that’s so loved by a young boy that it becomes real. This is a great metaphor for parenting in a way. Because that’s what’s happening to us. We made a decision to have kids many years ago and then for years that decision works on us, shaping, changing, transforming us. No part of that is more powerful than the love and energy of our children—whose joy, whose innocence, whose pain, whose growth is working on us always…even as it takes so much out of us.
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Tue, 02 Jan 2024 - 1239 - Show Them It’s Not Too Late
We talked recently about what Dr. Becky Kennedy always tells parents: it’s never too late.
We’ve talked about Nell Painter’s mother, who became an author late in life (and Nell Painter herself, who went back and was Old in Art School) We’ve talked about Bruce Springsteen’s father finally telling Bruce what he needed to hear. We’ve talked about other parents who got their act together late.
We should be inspired by these examples. We should be inspired to be this example for our kids. We should show them, it’s never too late. It’s never too late to lose weight, to change, to find a new career, to quit a longtime vice, to try something new, to invest in yourself, to repair or apologize or make amends.
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Mon, 01 Jan 2024 - 1238 - Ryan and Sam Holiday on The Importance Of Routine
On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on finding common ground and learning to empathize after they had kids, the value of to do lists, pros and cons from the pandemic & the importance of routine.
If you want to spend time with more dedicated Stoics, if you want to join a culture full of people rising together, we invite you to join the 2024 Daily Stoic New Year New You Challenge. We did the first New Year New You Challenge in 2018, and year after year, we’ve realized more and more that one of the core benefits of the challenge is the community dynamic. Change and improvement comes fastest through culture, results through accountability, and wisdom through exposure to new people and new ideas.
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Sat, 30 Dec 2023
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