Tell Me How You're Mighty: Real Talk About Cheating

In this episode, we survey your stories about when the spell broke and your cheater stopped having the power to suck you into caring. It's part one of a two-part series. No contact is the fastest way to healing!

Tracy speaks with therapist Lauren LaRusso, author of the new book "Beyond Infidelity: How to Turn the End of Your Relationship into the Beginning of Your Life." LaRusso shares her own chump street cred -- how discovering her (now ex) husband's affair changed her life and how she practices therapy today. Most of all, she focuses on new beginnings. How the awful catalyst of betrayal can lead to a much better life on the other side.

We're not finished with the Pain Olympics. More of your submissions from the Worst Cheaters Ever. The guy who reviewed thousands of escorts. The woman who went to court claiming her affair partner was just a nice acquaintance who bought her fancy dinners. The creep who walked out on his disabled child. They're all vying for the crown and only you can decide who sucks supreme.

We asked for your worst cheater stories, and you delivered. In this Part 1 episode, we hear about a father and his affair partner who continually reject an autistic son; a guy who cheats on his terminally ill wife; a husband who insists on naming their child after his affair partner (unbeknownst to his wife); and a serial cheater who ghosted his date while his wife is in labor, and gets mad that his Match.com date didn't wait.

Tracy and Sarah answer your letters on the show today. A woman whose boyfriend-now-husband kept a secret second family from her until a sheriff served him. And the age old anxiety of comparing yourself to the affair partner. A listener calls the Other Woman "dirty and chaotic" but can't understand how this person won the pick me dance for her husband. And why both of them still have friends in their former friend circle.

The hits keep coming. We're on our second episode of your stories of workplace affairs. The creep who's been perving on his vendors. A doctor who hits on a subordinate trainee. Teachers who use their students to pass notes to one another. An on-again-off-again thing with the teenage receptionist. When it comes to being transgressive at work, and perhaps even criminal, these f*ckwits shine.

Tracy and Sarah are back from summer vacation with your workplace affair stories to share (Part 1). Skeeving on the hired help. Boinking your mistress while your wife works in the office downstairs. Pervy bosses. Suddenly and mysteriously unemployed spouses. It's all here. And chumps are the mighty people who don't have to live with this chaos and dysfunction any longer.

In this episode, Sarah and Tracy discuss your voicemail questions. A woman wonders if she should report her cheating soon-to-be-ex-husband for having a workplace affair with a woman he was professionally mentoring? Also on the topic of telling and not telling, what happens when children disclose to their betrayed parent that they knew about the cheating?

We got your stories after Sarah said she was considering dipping her toe into the dating waters. Instead of horrifying us with gruesome tales, most of you were encouraging. And resilient! We hear about better boundaries and better boyfriends. Okay, and a few errant dick pics.

In this episode Tracy talks with two OBGYNs -- Dr. Leyla Moossavi and Dr. Diane Traenkle -- about what it's like to be on the front lines of women's health when dealing with infidelity. Having to break the news to someone that she's tested positive for a sexually transmitted disease is not a topic covered in medical school. They shoot straight about the health risks of being cheated on. Everything from the loss of her fertility to even maternal and fetal death if a woman is unknowingly exposed to infection while pregnant.

Drs. Moossavi and Traenkle, who practice in rural Michigan, also discuss the overlap they've seen between cheating and domestic violence -- the men who insist on being in the doctor's office, who gaslight and threaten their partners after a positive STI test, and who even insist that their partners stop receiving healthcare.

On a more compassionate note, Dr. Moossavi and Dr. Traenkle also discuss what good care looks like after you've been cheated on -- zero shame and lots of self love.

Oona Metz is the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. She is a therapist with 30 years of clinical experience. For the past 15 years Oona has specialized in treating women navigating divorce. She and Tracy discuss why divorce shame remains a stubborn relic, the grief of losing a marriage (even a bad one), and the power of peer support to get you. If you chose a divorce, or had one thrust upon you, Unhitched is a field guide to a better life on the other side.

Learn more about Oona at her Youtube Channel.

Sarah decided to shelf dating for the last 13 years and focus instead on raising four kids. But now that they're nearly grown, she's considering to try dating. Maybe. Her friends are sharing horror stories. Tracy shares a couple horror stories and some pointers (as a two-timer loser who is been happily remarried for 15 years, yet sucks at dating.) And we open the field to your stories and advice.

Last week we heard from chumps who outed their cheaters -- to their families, their other Other Schmoopies, and even their employers. This is part 2 of "Did you out your cheater?" Hell hath no fury...

Chumps are often told to keep their partner's infidelity to themselves. In this episode we hear from listeners who shouted it from the rooftops. Maybe dropped a dime to their employers. Or perhaps held a roadside sign. We say "If it feels good, don't do it." But does that include disclosure? This is a two-part series.

Tracy interviews Eileen Fox, who was married for over 30 years in what she thought was a monogamous marriage when she discovered her husband's double life. For years he'd been having risky sex with men and prostitutes. As a result of his cheating, Eileen contracted a virulent form of the human papillomavirus, HPV16 and got vulvual, cervical, and anal cancers. Now this mighty woman is raising awareness about all women getting the HPV vaccine, regardless of age. (Insurance does not cover it past age 45.)

If you were ever on the fence if infidelity is abuse, Eileen's story will convince you.

"It would have been easier for my body if he had shot me. It would have been easier on my body if he had stabbed me. This is a life-altering, lifelong affliction that he imposed on me through his selfish decisions. To be deceptive. He was a coward."

Part two from last week's episode. Did comparing yourself to real or as-yet-unknown affair partners do your head in? Did your cheater thrill to everyone's pick me dance? Listen as chumps tell us how and why they stepped out of the game.

Caught up in the pick me dance, it's hard not to compare and contrast yourself to the affair partner, who until D-Day was a phantom competitor. In this episode we hear from listeners what details they discovered about the mystery Schmoopies, but most of all how they wised up and stopped competing. Anyone who loves you would never goad you into a humiliating contest.

When you get chumped, why don't people bring casseroles? In this episode Tracy and Sarah discuss the complicated "ambiguous" grief of infidelity. Therapists call ambiguous grief "complex, often unresolved emotional pain felt when a loved one is physically absent but psychologically present, or physically present but psychologically absent. Being cheated on is its own kind of loss without closure and is uniquely isolating.

In this episode, Tracy responds to your miscellaneous voicemails. A caller wishes to "put the final nail in the coffin" on the argument that infidelity is abuse, because of STI risk and consent. Another listener shares news about a sex addict conference in Denver. And a woman has a hard time leaving her marriage after her fifth D-Day and over thirty years of marriage.

There was so much stupid, enough to make a second podcast of submissions. All the dimwitted things people in affairs say to chumps. We can't make sense of it, but we can make fun of it.

We asked, you answered with the dumbest, most self-serving, ridiculous things affair partners say to chumps. How can you come between them? Hey, they're praying for you. We'll all laugh about this and be friends someday.

In this episode Sarah and Tracy discuss what happens when parents cancel their subscriptions to adulting and check out for affairs. We hear from listeners how the kids are doing and how to navigate solo parenting. What it's like to be the show up parent contrasted with the Disney Dad or Mom. Is there any reward?

If you're a cheater who disavows cheating, are you suffering from cognitive dissonance? Or are you skilled in the dark arts of manipulation? Perhaps it's both. The best defense is a good offense. We hear from listeners about how they assumed their partners were safe because they were so offended by infidelity. How chumps were accused of cheating. How pointless the monogamy conversation was. And the sad sausage defense of... they didn't enjoy it. Nope. Not at all.

Inspired by the Olympic skier who took the opportunity of his medal win to plead for his girlfriend to take him back after cheating on her, we share your cringy hoovering stories. Hey, it didn't work out with Schmoopie! You free?

It's a common manipulation tactic for unfaithful partners to lead with self pity. Hey, their infidelity was hard on them too. Actually, harder really. In this episode, Tracy and Sarah respond to your sad sausage submissions. What happens when self-pity meets a blithering lack of self-awareness? Will you rescue them from the affliction of their own choices?

In this episode, Tracy talks with Kirk Martin, the creator of the Calm Parenting podcast which covers the power struggles between kids and parents and outlines strategies to help. Kirk is a compassionate observer of the unjust financial and emotional burdens single parents face. During his childhood in the 1970s, Kirk's mother left his abusive father and raised four boys on her own. We talk about her legacy in his life and then Kirk weighs in with his calm parent approach to listener questions.

When Sarah's then-husband walked out for his affair partner, her mother was her rock for the next 14 years. She helped Sarah raise the children, and was her biggest supporter. In this episode, Tracy and Sarah talk about their infidelity angels, the people who got them through. Sylvia passed away in December. Sarah was her caregiver until the end. Love is all about showing up.

Tracy and Sarah react to a letter at ChumpLady.com from a mistress asking Tracy to please inform her boyfriend's wife about their affair. (That was a hard pass no.) And they discuss an article in the New York Times on the "ritual shaming" of the Other Woman. Was Kristin Cabot, of Cold Play concert Jumbotron fame unduly held to account for infidelity in a way her boss was not?

Tracy talks with therapist, Virginia DeLuca, author of "If You Must Go, I Wish You Triplets," a candid, funny, and emotionally rich memoir about divorce and reinvention in her 60s. After 14 years, her husband suddenly abandoned their marriage, explaining that he wanted children. Unbeknownst to DeLuca, there was another, much younger, woman, of course.

She published her debut memoir at 72, proving it's never too late to tell your story or rebuild your life after infidelity.

Sarah and I are back after our hiatus to discuss your ex's cringey selfies. The fish. The dick pics. The ones where you're cropped out. If you ever stumbled upon an entire audiovisual library of your cheater's dating profiles and it's scarred in your memory, this episode is for you.

Sometimes the fuckwit doesn't fall far from the tree. In this episode we hear your terrible inlaw stories. The mother-in-law who asks what you did to make him cheat? The fat shaming. The enabling. The ghosting of grandchildren. So, if you're getting misty for the people you may have lost in the divorce, this episode will sober you up. Or hug the good people in your life a little tighter.

It's that time of year when it's hard for cheaters to maintain their double lives. Consequently, a lot of newly minted chumps are having D-Days during the holiday season. We hear from listeners how they survived the discoveries, the show-must-go-on family get togethers and oppressive bonhomie of social media.

Rep. Clay Higgins of Louisiana voted not to release the Epstein files. He was the only dissenting vote. Reportedly, he also owes over $140,000 in back child support to one of his ex-wives. (He's on his fourth wife.) Tracy and guest host Jenny of the Happy Hausfrau blog -- two women owed thousands in back child support -- discuss the Epstein scandal. The f*ckwits involved, the power dynamics, and why women's pain matters.

The holidays are coming and it's a good time to remember all the things you do not (or will not) miss about your cheating ex. We hear about puppets in church, obnoxious sneezing, and hair powder. Horrific hygiene and rage driving. Bizarre hobbies and bad attitudes. Sound engineer Beowulf does his best dramatic Grinchy Thurl Ravenscroft voice to read the list. Sarah and Tracy react in horror. Thank god, no more taxidermy.

We're back with Dr. Peter Salerno this week talking about his new book "Cruelty By Nature: The Science of Intentional Abuse." If you've been at the receiving end of abuse and were confused why unconditional love wasn't working, this episode is for you. Do some people enjoy being cruel? Is unkindess its own reward?

Salerno discusses the research around personality disorders and sadism and takes on therapists who endangers victims when they counsel victims to meet harmful acts with forgiveness and greater understanding. Conventional therapy argues that antisocial behavior comes from a person acting out trauma and masking shame. This view, Salerno argues, ignores behavioral science. Some people behave unethically because their brutish methods work for them. Worse, some disordered people actually derive pleasure from hurting others.

Tracy and Sarah react to your polyamory experiments. The open marriage stories keep coming... In this episode we hear about a man with two sister wives. (Literally). A polyamorous marriage that was one-sided, while he tomcatted around and left her with the kids. And a therapist who helps other people negotiate ethical non-monogamy while was unbeknownst married to a guy who practiced it unethically.

We asked listeners if they'd been propositioned by their partner to be in an open relationship, only to find they were being cheated on. The polyamory disaster stories are in!

In this episode we asked listeners for their Worst Exits Ever stories. The cheaters who abandoned the family at Christmas. Or during a health crisis. Or just days before a giant exam. During the third round of chemo. Or when the chump is pregnant with twins. What's going on? Are they maximizing the cruelty? Is it deliberate? The good news is, everyone who reported in said after the initial hardship, life is a lot better without a heartless loser.

Tracy interviews Gretchen Baskerville author of the book and blog "Life-Saving Divorce." Gretchen has been a visible critic of the "Reconciliation Industrial Complex" and Christian evangelical marriage retreats in particular. She's followed up with participants of expensive marriage intensives and found 7 in 10 later divorced or separated within the year. A stark contrast to the "your marriage can be saved in a WEEK" promotionals.

Tracy and Gretchen discuss the victim-blaming and spiritual abuse surrounding divorce and the resources that focus on shaming people, especially women, into staying married all at costs.

A recent news article discussed the increase in popularity of polyamory as an option on dating sites, while contrasting it with real life TV shows featuring polyamorous relationships, like Sister Wives, where the arrangement collapsed and they defaulted to monogamy. Sarah and Tracy compare notes on the impracticality of multiple sex partners in our middle-aged, busy lives. And also how "open marriage" is often on offer after you find out you were in one, but were the last to know.

Tracy talks with pyschologist Dr. Peter Salerno about the intersection of infidelity and personality disorders. A lot of conventional therapy assumes that clients lack insight into their behavior and that antisocial behavior is the result of childhood trauma. Dr. Salerno argues that this approach ignores the behavioral science of personality disorders. Manipulation, deception, and a pathological lack of remorse are hallmarks of narcissism and sociopathy and these abusive acts are intentional. And to a certain extent, even hard-wired.

How does this science challenge the victim-blaming narratives around infidelity? Could the serial cheater, family abandoner, or deadbeat parent have a personality disorder? Do these manipulative characters keep you confused and hopeful on purpose?

***

Peter Salerno, PsyD, is a retired licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed educator, and the author of Nature and Nurture of Narcissism; and Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance: Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Disordered Personality. Dr. Salerno has received specialized training in trauma treatment and personality disorders and was trained to administer and score the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), the international standard for the clinical and forensic assessment of psychopathy. He has treated mental health conditions in a variety of clinical settings. His first book, Fit For Off Duty, has been required reading for law enforcement officers at the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia. Dr. Salerno has consulted internationally for educational purposes with individuals who have experienced traumatic cognitive dissonance resulting from pathological relationship abuse. He is also a featured expert in the Hulu/Disney+ docuseries Ted Bundy: Dialogue with the Devil, where he contributed his expertise on psychopathy and personality pathology.

Follow him at Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drpetersalerno/

On Youtube https://www.youtube.com/@DrPeterSalerno

Chump Nation came up in an NPR discussion about how to define cheating. Unfortunately, the commentators seemed to have no lived experience or deep sunk costs with a cheater. The conversation centered on rejections like your boyfriend making out with someone else. Guest host Jenny the Happy Hausfrau blogger and Tracy defend the position that infidelity is a form of abuse and debunk the romanticism of cheating.

You can hear the original discussion at NPR here: What Really Counts As Cheating?

What happens when you discover your teen or adult child has been cheated on? Do your kids navigate this better if you modeled good boundaries? Or is the chump condition heriditary? In this episode, Sarah discusses how her daughter Jess reacted when she discovered her boyfriend acting shady. The Universal Bullshit Translator makes its first podcast appearance as it digests Jess's boyfriend's waffly, lame excuses.

Sarah and Tracy hear from listeners about how their cheaters' affairs were exposed. (None of them by Jumbotron, alas.) Some affair partners outed the relationships to win the pick-me dance. In other cases, technology mishaps led to discovery. (Why don't these people learn how devices synch?) It's painful however you find out, but it's better to know than waster another minute being duped.

Guest cohost Jenny aka The Happy Hausfrau blogger and Tracy discuss the Bezo wedding extravangaza and what happens when affair partners marry. We hear from listeners about Schmoopie nupitals and what marriage means to the monogamy challenged.

It's the biggest cheating scandal of the year -- former Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his subordinate HR Chief Kristin Cabot caught mid-canoodle by a Jumbotron "kiss cam." The world is reveling in schadenfreude, but what does it mean to the chumped? Vindication? A beautiful accountability fantasy come true? Sympathy for the kids involved? We hear from listeners about their feelings on the Jumbotron story and why cheater ridicule is having a moment.

Guest co-host Jenny aka the Happy Hausfrau blogger and Tracy snark about the guy who proposed marriage to his ChatGPT girlfriend, but not his live-in girlfriend and mother of his child. Are ChatGPT paramours the new frontier in AI cheating? How narcissistic is it to have a programmable girlfriend?

You never know what kind of reaction you'll get when you confront a cheater. On the one hand are the stone cold freaks with no adaptive anxiety. They lean into their lies and never break a sweat. Even in the face of hard evidence. Alternatively, are the cheaters who completely lose their composure. To the guy who had a meltdown and hopped away in a sleeping bag, to others who feign psychiatric crises. In this episode we hear about your cheaters' craziest reactions to being busted.

Besides the cheating, what else didn't you know about? Listeners tell us the details of their cheaters double lives beyond the sex. The missing monies. The hooker habit. An entire other family. Where there's one secret, you may find others.

In this episode Tracy gives her take on the news that Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum have decided to reconcile. While Grohl simultaneously has committed himself to being a "hands on" father with his daughter by his affair partner. Could we please change the discourse that single parents aren't family enough? And stop the assumption that everyone needs the FW in their lives? Just cash the check and live your own life.

Tracy and Sarah respond to a listener's dilemma about her husband. He's cheating with men, but swears he's not gay. She's trying to get him into sex addiction therapy. Also, a Fuckwit of the Week submission -- exotic vacations discoveries to which you weren't invited.

In this episode, we react to an atrocious column in the New York Times by therapist Lori Gottlieb, where a woman asks if she should be honest with her children about their father's cheating and the resulting divorce. Gottlieb shames the woman for even considering speaking of her betrayal and defers to the man's narrative instead. (You drove him to it.) Sarah and Tracy weigh in.

Did you thwart a cheater's happiness? Are you the obstacle to their greatness? In this episode Tracy and Sarah explore stupid cheater life plans. The grass is always greener on the other side of whatever they committed to. Including you. Listeners share the impulsive schemes and dreams, the alpaca farm, the missionary job that wasn't, and the lost opportunity to be a kiteboarder.

If you just discovered your partner cheating, chances are you got some common reconciliaton advice like "Wait 6 months before you make a decision." Or "Don't tell anyone." Or moronic warnings about "affair fog." (They know not what they do! Maybe if you wait patiently they'll return to you and it will Make Your Marriage Stronger!)

In this episode, listeners tell us the worst, victim-blaming, nonsensical advice they got after D-Day.

In this re-edited interview, we talk with trauma specialist Diane Strickland and creator of the site yourstoryissafehere.com about sex addiction and partners being labeled "codependent." Why women are shamed for their anger. And much more.

In this re-edited version of an earlier recording, Sarah and Tracy spoke with Dr. Omar Minwalla, a therapist who is known for his work "The Secret Sexual Basement." He sees infidelity as abusive and a sexual deception problem, which makes him something of an outlier in the therapy community. We talk about his model, infidelity as abuse, and how to change the narrative with mental health professionals.

In this re-edited version of an early broadcast, Tracy and Sarah challenge therapist Andrew G. Marshall on his promise that marriages can be affair-proofed. Did he say that? Was he taken out of context when he told women that they must apologize to their unfaithful husbands?

In this episode we hear about all the imponderable things cheaters wanted in the breakup. Not real estate, or children, or sentimental items. But weird stuff, like flooring tiles they'll never use. Or that book on West Virginia coal mining. Or your grandmother's dining room set. Is it spite? Are they clueless? Tracy and Sarah react to your many submissions.

In this short episode, Tracy and Sarah respond to a letter from a woman who's husband was astounded that after decades of marriage she left him. He was a church deacon, a Jesus cheater, with a double life. As she left, he told her "I thought you'd fight harder for me."

Keeping on the theme of good people, we asked listeners who helped them get through infidelity? Who was their guiding angel? A stranger, family member, friend? Cheaters might destroy your trust in humanity, but others renew your faith.

We asked listeners -- what random act of kindness moved you after you were chumped? Tracy tells about her mysterious breakfast benefactor and Sarah shares a story about the time her car broke down. We hear about infidelity angels and kind strangers who appeared at just the right time with encouragement and support. A departure from the usual look at bad actors, this week we celebrate good people.

Tracy and Sarah answer your letters including one from a woman who discovered her husband was telling people online that she was dead and referred to another woman and their child as "wife and daughter." Is this a game to him? Is he cheating? Or is this guy a sociopath? Another listener wonders what chumps would do differently if they knew about the cheating sooner.

This week we asked what your FWs were up to. Of course, the goal is meh, but some of us are still coparenting, or in the midst of divorce, or news of their misadventures travels back. Often with a large dose of schadenfreude and gratitude that these folks are no longer our problem. Aggravating, in trouble with the law, irresponsible... they didn't get character transplants.

Part of the trauma after infidelity is rumination. The endless mind movies reliving what you know and, worse, imagining what you don't. In this episode, listeners tell us how they dealt with the endless intrusive thoughts. What therapies worked, who helped, and how they diverted their attention elsewhere. (True crime podcasts anyone?)

What advice would you give a new chump knowning what you know now? We heard from many listeners who had hard-won advice for the newly betrayed. How to choose who you tell, to focusing on self-protecting over reconciliation, and deep regrets about pick-me dancing. Who better to tell you than the people who lived it?

The idea for the episode was taken from the mental health nonprofit Friendship Bench. It's an organization that started in Zimbabwe to help people who were struggling with depression. They trained a league of older women to sit on public park benches and let strangers tell them their troubles. The support from these older women resulted in better health outcomes for depression than conventional therapy. A movement began.

Tell Me How You're Mighty is your friendship bench. Sit down and let us give you some advice. Save yourself some pain.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't like octopus," is among the more ridiculous apologies a cheater has given for being unfaithful. In this episode, Tracy and Sarah react to your submissions for lamest non-apology apologies you received. The sad sausages for whom this hurts them too, more really. Those whose only crime was wanting happiness, and how can you fault happiness? To the clueless ones who didn't realize cheating would hurt you. That wasn't their intention! So sorry (not sorry)!

Sarah and Tracy answer a letter from a listener wondering how she can be a supportive friend to someone who is in an abusive marriage with a cheater. When should you worry about your own personal safety, or call child services? Is there anything you can do beyond standing by and listening?

Tracy talks with domestic violence researcher Dr. Emma Katz about her book, "Coercive Control in Children's and Mothers' Lives." Many recognize violent behavior as transgressive, but more common abuse tactics fall under coercive control -- intimidatation, humiliation, isolation. The abuser's goal is to preserve their entitlement by breaking down their victim/partner's emotional state to greater depths of vulnerability and dependence.

Dr. Katz's book, published by Oxford University Press, is the first child-centric exploration of this topic. She discusses not only the damange abuser's can do, but also – most importantly – how people have broken free and their mighty stories of resistance.

Sarah and Tracy respond to a letter from a woman who discovered her husband is sexting and on dating site while she is 7 months pregnant. She thinks he has an addiction to the validation, but still loves her. It's just that he starts cheating and gets checked out. Should she move in with her parents? She wants to know how she can be mighty now, when she feels very vulnerable.

Tracy responds to a woman, Beth, who writes in to say she can't seem to leave her partner even though she's deeply unhappy. She has shady, circumstantial evidence of cheating, but hasn't caught him. But meanwhile he's inappropriate with other women and has a porn addiction. She's not financially dependent on him, so what exactly is keeping her stuck?

Sarah and Tracy learn what holiday traditions you don't miss from your cheating exes. From obnoxious mother-in-law gifted decor, to the ex who threw a fully lit Christmas tree in a fit of rage. What are you thrilled to no longer live with and what new traditions did you replace the old ones with?

People say the most insensitive things when they learn you've been cheated on. Everything from the cliched "It takes two to tango" or "No one knows what goes on in a marriage" to the straight-up victim blaming of "you didn't give him enough sex." Or the self-congratulation of "I'm glad my husband would never cheat on me." Tracy and Sarah react to your gobsmacking submissions.

It's time again for your holiday cheater stories. The terrible gifts, the discoveries, the yuletide double lives... Tracy and Sarah react to your FW tales. Go into the new year knowing -- you are so much better off without these freaks in your life.

A listener calls in to discuss being an unknowing Other Woman. Her cheater had three other families, as it turns out, including her child. She asks for understanding for those in complicated family situations. Children of cheaters are victims too.

In this interview with therapist Dr. Christine Cocchiola and investigative journalist Amy Polacko we discuss gender bias in family court. Both women have experienced domestic violence and in their book Framed, they shared the stories of women whose abusers weaponized the legal system against them in divorce and custody fights. Cocchiola and Polacko give pointers on what to look for before you get involved with these characters and how you can protect yourself.

After Jessica Waite's husband suddenly died of a heart attack, she discovered the extent of his double life -- long-term affairs, prostitutes, debt and drug use. In her memoir, "The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards" she describes how she survived this devastating betrayal, came to terms with her late husband's memory, raised their son alone, and rebuilt her life. She discusses with Tracy how she decided to not keep his secrets and voiced her own truth instead.

Tracy, as Chump Lady, has made quite a study of overcoming oppressive jerks. In this recorded pep talk, she expands on a recent blog post she wrote on how to eat the shit sandwich of injustice and keep on going.

A woman writes to say she swapped her cheating husband for a Roomba. Her new appliance vacuums, never gaslights her, and comes back to its home port every night. We asked: What did you replace your cheater with? We've got upgrades of every kind. And cats. A lot of cats.

Listeners discuss how they discovered their partners were cheating. From putting spy apps on a phone, to the idiot who forgot the Ring camera was recording, to the cheater who inadvertently alerted the private investigator to what car his Schmoopie drives. Sarah and Tracy react to the cheater hijinks and how cheaters underestimate their chumps.

Tracy talks with writer and actress Nell Hudson about her eight-year relationship with a man who had a double life -- which she discovered on their anniversary. What he excused as another woman's infatuation with him, turned out to be an entire history of serial cheating with multiple partners. Tracy and Nell discuss the cultural narratives around infidelity, why we don't call it abuse, and what it means to be a feminist and a chump.

In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to a letter from a woman who lives in the same small town as her ex and the affair partner -- her former friend. Worse, she has to interact with this person at her job. What's the answer? Move away or learn how to coexist? We also hear from two listeners, one with a red flag story on lying, and a mighty single dad who's crushing the sane parenting gig.

The furtive bathroom visits with the cell phone, strange moods, and bizzare accusations that you're cheating -- in this episode we look at all the red flags that you're with a cheater. Hindsight is 20/20, but when you look back, what were the signs?

In this episode, we discuss the intersection of pregnancy and infidelity. The mistresses who got pregnant. The chumps who got cheated on while pregnant, or going through fertility treatments. The guy chumps who had to paternity test their kids. The "OMG I think I'm pregnant" Hail Mary play by mistresses to win the pick me dance. How children of affairs navigate the complicated stories of their parents. DNA surprises, half-siblings. We get into all the messiness of FWs who reproduce.

When you lost a cheater, who else did you lose in the breakup? People often think infidelity is just a private matter between a couple, and not a larger conspiracy, as it often turns out to be. In the end, you may lose "friends" who were affair partners, those who knew and didn't tell you, and the Switzerland folks who don't want to take sides. Listeners share their stories of who they lost, who they culled, and who they don't miss.

A woman writes in to Tracy and Sarah after suspecting that her best friend has been cheating with her now ex-husband. This friend has been cagey, unsupportive, and just admitted that she's been a cheater before. The letter writer wants to confront her friend about her behavior, but should she? Would it be better to ghost her instead? Or let it blow over?

With the recent buzz about Chump Nation in the New Yorker and the Cut, Tracy takes on the haters. Consider it a teaching opportunity. Here's three common infidelity tropes and how to defang them: Bothsiderism (What did you do to make them cheat?); Infidelity is complex (You're a black and white thinker); and Quit Playing the Victim (You're too bitter and emotional).

Tracy talks with her 83-year old Aunt Joy about what it was like to divorce a cheater in the 1970s. A time when women couldn't get credit without their husbands' signatures, had no workplace protections, and being a single mother was considered a personal failure. Aunt Joy is famous on the Chump Lady blog for the expression "the walls in your house will sing" -- that feeling of freedom and relief when you get a toxic person out of your life. Aunt Joy shares how she rebuilt, married a fellow chump, raised a blended family, became a caregiver for 14 years after her husband suffered dementia, survived widowhood... and went ziplining for her 81st birthday.

We hear from listeners who didn't stay together for the children (or weren't able to, because one parent abandoned ship), and who raised children on their own. Despite the single parent doom and gloom warnings, the kids turned out great and homelife is peaceful. If you're in the trenches of single parenting, this episode is for you. Take it from two single moms -- (Tracy formerly, Sarah presently) -- you've got this.

She got married two months ago, only to discover her new husband has been cheating with his colleague -- her friend. He wants to go to Italy with the Other Woman to "explore his feelings" and wants her to wait for him. Instead, she moved out and remains heartbroken. "How can someone you love treat you this way?" Tracy and Sarah react to this guy's mindfuckery and entitlement. And the treachery of the OW.

So many stupid things cheaters say, it warranted a second podcast of your submissions. The Other Woman who is "rooting" for the chump's marriage. The introspective cheater who sighs, "I just don't know how to love..." The minimization of "Hey, I'm not an axe murderer." All the stupid right here. Again.

Cheaters say the darndest things. In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to your Stupid Sh*t Cheaters Say submissions. The suggestion that you would like the affair partner if you only knew them. The sad sausage bleatings. The cruelty of your consequences. How could you?!

How pretty did you pick me dance to win a cheater? Did you lose weight? Up your sex game? Spend less time with the children? Were you aware you were in a life or death pick me spiral with Schmoopie, or did you sense it? In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to your pick me dance stories shared on voicemail and social media. (We picked you!)

Rob Manuel is the creator of the social media phenomenon FessHole, where people anonymously share their darkest, most mortifying secrets. In this episode, Rob's curated his best cheater (and wannabe cheater) confessions. The dead bedroom cheaters. The woman who wants someone to come clean her house. The guy who wants his partner to cheat on him because he's too gutless to dump his girlfriend honestly. Sarah and Tracy weigh in. Need more secrets? Check out Fesshole The Podcast.

A self-professed cheater leaves Sarah and Tracy a voicemail asking how he can make amends for being unfaithful. He doesn't wish to reconcile -- they're going to divorce. But how can he rehabilitate his image going forward as co-parents. Tracy offers some thoughts on how to kick the entitlement habit and Sarah provides the sobering, yet friendly, cynicism that this advice probably will not be followed.

Sarah Manguso has written the ultimate chump novel: Liars. Jane is a woman who endures marriage to, and divorce from, a textbook fuckwit. It dramatizes marital betrayal, narcissistic abuse, and coercive control in a way we all know deep in our bones. Manguso says, "It's a novel, so of course it's all fiction—except for the parts that are true."

During the pandemic, Manguso's cheating husband abandoned her and their son. It became fodder for Liars.

She the author of nine books, most recently the novel Very Cold People. Liars, is forthcoming on July 23 from Hogarth Books in the US and August 22 from Picador in the UK. Her other books include a story collection, two poetry collections, and four acclaimed works of nonfiction: 300 Arguments, Ongoingness, The Guardians, and The Two Kinds of Decay. Her work has been recognized by a Guggenheim Fellowship and the Rome Prize, and her writing has been translated into twelve languages. She grew up in Massachusetts and now lives in Los Angeles.

Was there a moment in your relationship, before you knew about the cheating, in which you look back and regret not leaving then? In this episode, listeners answer that question. The casual cruelities. The weird absences. The disconnect from family life. And the double lives that are later revealed that make sense of it all.

Jake and Christine saw an announcement on the Chump Lady site for people who were impacted by the Ashely Madison hack scandal. The were both filmed for the Netflix documentary, but their stories of leaving cheaters and overcoming betrayal were not included. Jake's wife had multiple affairs on the site, and he found out when one of the affair partners contacted him. Christine discovered her boyfriend's double life and then catfished him on the dating site. These are their stories. The ones that don't end in reconciliation.

Following up from last week's episode, Sarah weighs in on her observations (and revulsions) on the Ashley Madison Neflix series. Is it possible this many serial cheaters exist? Does that guy in the pink flamingo shirt sunning himself by the poolside have any conscience? Is Noel Biderman's wife a chump or an accomplice? It's a deep vein of snark and commentary.

The new Netflix docuseries on the Ashley Madison hack purports to look at the complexities around infidelity. Instead, it's the same old message about reconciliaton and not judging cheaters for their sexuality. Deception -- as experienced by chumps, not Noel Biderman -- is left out of the discussion. Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady, riffs on the characters and missed opportunities to have a fuller conversation.