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The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.
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- 504 - ‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.
I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”
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Fri, 22 Mar 2024 - 5min - 503 - Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?
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Fri, 15 Mar 2024 - 5min - 502 - ‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.
“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”
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Fri, 08 Mar 2024 - 5min - 501 - ‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.
I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”
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Fri, 01 Mar 2024 - 5min - 500 - Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.
She’s like, “What ... the... fock?”
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Fri, 23 Feb 2024 - 6min - 499 - Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?
She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”
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Fri, 16 Feb 2024 - 6min - 498 - Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."
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Sat, 10 Feb 2024 - 6min - 497 - 'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.
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Fri, 02 Feb 2024 - 5min - 496 - ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister
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Fri, 26 Jan 2024 - 7min - 495 - ‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case.
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Fri, 19 Jan 2024 - 6min - 494 - 'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand
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Mon, 15 Jan 2024 - 6min - 493 - ‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out.
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Fri, 05 Jan 2024 - 6min - 492 - ‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men
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Fri, 29 Dec 2023 - 6min - 491 - Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones
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Fri, 22 Dec 2023 - 6min - 490 - ‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog
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Fri, 15 Dec 2023 - 7min - 489 - ‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming.
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Fri, 08 Dec 2023 - 7min - 488 - ‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment
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Fri, 01 Dec 2023 - 6min - 487 - ‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under anycircumstances?”
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Fri, 24 Nov 2023 - 5min - 486 - I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon?
She’s like, “Are you ready?”
“Ready?” I go. “In termsof?”
Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/.
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Fri, 17 Nov 2023 - 6min - 485 - Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop
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Fri, 10 Nov 2023 - 6min - 484 - ‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
“Sur! Prise!” we all go.
But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile.
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Fri, 03 Nov 2023 - 6min - 483 - ‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
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Fri, 27 Oct 2023 - 6min - 482 - ‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’
It’s a sad day. Everyone agrees. Not as sad – hand on hort – as Ireland losing to the All Blacks last weekend.
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Fri, 27 Oct 2023 - 6min - 481 - ‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’
So we’re in Corcoran’s on the famous Boulevord de Clichy – we’re talking me, Christian, JP, Oisinn and Fionn – and I’m telling the goys why I think we’ll beat the All Blacks on Saturday and why I think it won’t even be close? But they only want one question answered.
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Fri, 13 Oct 2023 - 6min - 480 - ‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
I’m there, “I’d be in Paris now if things had been different,” and when I say different, I mean if my daughter hadn’t been chorged with 277 counts of criminal damage.
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Fri, 06 Oct 2023 - 6min - 479 - ‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’
I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset? And given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement. She’s literally shaking with rage and whatever else is bubbling inside her, which is the reason I’m staying on the other side of the kitchen island.
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Fri, 29 Sep 2023 - 6min - 478 - ‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’
I love a crowd. Yeah, no, that’s as true of me now as it was back in my days as the best number 10 in the history of Irish schools rugby and the goy that every girl wanted to be with. I love the feeling of people staring at me with their gobs open in just, like, wonder.
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Fri, 22 Sep 2023 - 6min - 477 - Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
So I wake up in the hotel in Nantes to find a letter on my bedside table, which turns out to be from – yeah, no – my old man?
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Tue, 19 Sep 2023 - 6min - 476 - ‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty much everyone he’s ever known in his entire life to tell them his so-called news.
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Fri, 08 Sep 2023 - 6min - 475 - ‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’
Sorcha is tense. Yeah, no, for her, the first day back after the school holidays is like the first day of the Six Nations for me. In other words, a matter of life and death.
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Fri, 01 Sep 2023 - 6min - 474 - ‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes
The old man looks surprisingly well for a man who’s been banged up for, like, a week and a bit. I’m sitting in the visiting room when he walks in and he’s, like, deep in conversation with another, I want to say, inmate? It’s a good, like, five minutes before he saunters over to where I’m sitting...
irishtimes.com/author/ross-ocarroll-kelly/
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Fri, 25 Aug 2023 - 6min - 473 - I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes – he’s Chorles O’Carrroll-Kelly, for fock’s sake – but I never thought I’d see him in court, aged seventy-whatever-he-is, chorged with the illegal possession of a fireorm.
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Fri, 18 Aug 2023 - 6min - 472 - Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the final exclusive excerpt from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out today Thursday, August 17th.
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Thu, 17 Aug 2023 - 15min - 471 - Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the second of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.
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Wed, 16 Aug 2023 - 9min - 470 - Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book
This is the first of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.
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Tue, 15 Aug 2023 - 12min - 469 - ‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’
Sorcha is sitting at the kitchen island with her laptop open and a pleased-with-herself smile that I recognise from the Mount Anville Class of 1998 graduation photograph on her bedside table.
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Sat, 12 Aug 2023 - 6min - 468 - Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls
So – yeah, no – we’re out in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin literally Bay, we’re talking me, the old man and Hennessy, and like the old man says, it’s just like old times.
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Fri, 04 Aug 2023 - 6min - 467 - Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot
So it’s, like, ten o’clock on a Friday night and Ronan’s at the front door. He goes, “How are you fixed for the Oddle Arelint football fidal on Suddendee, Rosser?”
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Fri, 28 Jul 2023 - 5min - 466 - ‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’
Sorcha smiles warmly at me – an event so rare that it’s actually worth mentioning. “I’m so proud of our daughter,” she goes. “She’s turning into a wonderful young woman.”
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Fri, 14 Jul 2023 - 6min - 465 - People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life
The old man rings me at, like, two o’clock in the afternoon and goes, “Ross! You’re not busy, are you?”
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Fri, 07 Jul 2023 - 6min - 464 - ‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’
“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “they’ve struck again!”
I’m there, “What are you talking about? As in, like, what the fock?”
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Fri, 30 Jun 2023 - 6min - 463 - The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor
So – yeah, no – we’re at the recycling centre with a boot full of empty cans and bottles from a recent borbecue to celebrate Sorcha’s 43rd birthday and me having nine penalty points wiped from my driving licence on appeal.
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Sat, 24 Jun 2023 - 6min - 462 - ‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’
I’m standing outside the famous Galloper on the Stillorgan dualler when Ronan rocks up. He’s as surprised to see me as I am to see him?
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Fri, 16 Jun 2023 - 6min - 461 - There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing
I have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dads
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Fri, 09 Jun 2023 - 6min - 460 - ‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’
Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her.
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Fri, 02 Jun 2023 - 6min - 459 - ‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear
There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá
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Fri, 26 May 2023 - 6min - 458 - The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice.
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Sat, 20 May 2023 - 6min - 457 - The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10
So we’re at a dinner in the famous Rochestown Lodge in – let’s be honest here – Sallynoggin, to raise money for the Seapoint Rugby Club U-8s Trip to Biarritz: Leave No Child Behind.
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Fri, 12 May 2023 - 6min - 456 - Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girl
Honor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines from.
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Fri, 05 May 2023 - 5min - 455 - I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?
He’s, like, standing right in front of the gaff, staring at his phone. I throw open the front door and I’m like, “Whatever you’re selling, fock off before I call the Feds,” which would be pretty much por for the course in these ports?
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Fri, 28 Apr 2023 - 5min - 454 - ‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’
People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife.
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Fri, 21 Apr 2023 - 6min - 453 - Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content
I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better
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Fri, 14 Apr 2023 - 6min - 452 - The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters
She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it.
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Tue, 11 Apr 2023 - 6min - 451 - We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding
If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vaping
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Fri, 31 Mar 2023 - 6min - 450 - I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick me
The old dear rings me and asks me to meet her for Sunday lunch in some, I don’t know, random Italian restaurant in Ranelagh.
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Mon, 27 Mar 2023 - 6min - 449 - What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny Sexton
The final whistle blows and I burst into tears. The greatest day of my life? It’s definitely up there. People bang on about the birth of their children, but children let you down. This Ireland team never do?
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Tue, 21 Mar 2023 - 6min - 448 - Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beaten
The big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrived
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Fri, 17 Mar 2023 - 6min - 447 - Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself
When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby team.
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Fri, 10 Mar 2023 - 5min - 446 - I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talent
The Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at school
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Fri, 03 Mar 2023 - 6min - 445 - I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, Ranelagh
Only the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agency
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Fri, 24 Feb 2023 - 6min - 444 - I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myself
It’s, like, Monday morning and I’ve taken the boys for a haircut – or, to be more, I don’t know, pacific, I’ve dumped them in the borber’s while me and Honor are sitting in the coffee shop next door.
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Fri, 17 Feb 2023 - 5min - 443 - One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!
So – yeah, no – the girls have been working unbelievably hord in training, which is why I’ve arranged a little surprise for them. I tell them to meet me in the school cor pork, where the bus is already waiting with the engine idling.
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Fri, 10 Feb 2023 - 6min - 442 - I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stop
“Oh my God,” Honor goes, “you’re not actually wearing that, are you?”
And by that she means my black, Canterbury elite protection body ormour vest.
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Fri, 03 Feb 2023 - 6min - 441 - Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year
I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!”
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Mon, 30 Jan 2023 - 6min - 440 - Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me
So – yeah, no – I’m in Cinnamon in Monkstown, getting all excited about Sixmas, which is only, like, two weeks away now. I’m writing out my storting 15 for the match against Wales into the famous Big Book when I notice a woman staring at me over the top of her Watermelon Shhuga.
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Fri, 20 Jan 2023 - 6min - 439 - If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing
They stagger out onto the pitch in two or three different huddles, their orms folded against the cold of a horrible January morning.
I’m there, “Welcome back, ladies! Hope you had a good Christmas!” and they’re all, like, hating on me for my – yeah, no – cheeriness?
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Fri, 13 Jan 2023 - 6min - 438 - I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve
No less a judge than the great Jerry Flannery once described me as “one of Ireland’s greatest thinkers” – and even though it was in the course of a Charity Roast in the Sin Bin in Limerick, I think his point still stands...
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Fri, 06 Jan 2023 - 5min - 437 - ‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’
The old dear is drinking a Baileys with her dental plate out and I don’t think I’ll ever have another amorous thought in my life. The old man raises his brandy glass to me and goes, “Merry Christmas, Ross.”
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Fri, 23 Dec 2022 - 6min - 436 - 'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once'
So I’m standing at the trough in The Queens in Dalkey, having a much-needed slash, when I hear a voice beside me go, “Is that the famous Ross O’Carroll-Kelly I see?”
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Fri, 16 Dec 2022 - 6min - 435 - It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plate
The Castlerock College Christmas Fete has always been a massive event in the O’Carroll-Kelly social calendar.
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Fri, 09 Dec 2022 - 6min - 434 - ‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’
“Corlow?” Sorcha goes – clearly worried about me. “Why on earth do you want to drive all the way Corlow for a Christmas tree when we can buy one three minutes up the road in Terenure College?”
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Fri, 02 Dec 2022 - 5min - 433 - 'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord'
Hey, as I always say, it’s better to be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea.
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Fri, 25 Nov 2022 - 6min - 432 - The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella
So – yeah, no – I’m in, like, the gorden, throwing the old Gilbert around with Brian, Johnny and Leo, except we can’t complete three passes without one of us dropping the ball and I’m wondering does it have anything to do with us living in Terenure now – as in, the general sense of failure that hangs over the place has somehow seeped into my children’s bones like arthritis.
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Fri, 18 Nov 2022 - 6min - 431 - ‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’
The school concert hall is absolutely rammers and the walls are pretty much vibrating with the sound of people being – as we say on this side of the city – up in orms.
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Fri, 11 Nov 2022 - 6min - 430 - ‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’
Anyone who follows the Letters to the Editor page in this newspaper will be aware of my old man’s thoughts on the subject of girls slash women playing rugby.
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Tue, 08 Nov 2022 - 5min - 429 - 'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally'
I end up pretty much not sleeping for, like, five nights straight. And I know Honor is exactly the same. I’m there, “Can you just explain to me again what you saw and heard — illegibly.” “There’s no illegibly about it,” Sorcha goes. “I saw the ghost of an old man.”
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Fri, 28 Oct 2022 - 6min - 428 - 'I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to Terenure'
She’s quiet, cranky and liable to explode in a rage at the least provocation. Mind you, she’s been like that since she emerged from her old dear’s womb with her two middle fingers raised to the world. It’s just that for the first time ever, she seems without – I don’t know – hope.
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Fri, 21 Oct 2022 - 5min - 427 - 'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners'
“Ross O’Carroll-Kelly!” a voice behind me goes. “Itis you, isn’t it?”
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Fri, 14 Oct 2022 - 5min - 426 - 'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid'
Sorcha is unpacking her collection of Lladro figurines from a cordboard box. She says she’s worried about Honor.
I’m like, “Honor? In terms of what specifically?”
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Fri, 07 Oct 2022 - 5min - 425 - 'Honor storts screaming at the top of her lungs. But no one hears her. Because mine are louder'
So I’m in, like, Dundrum Town Centre with Honor and we’re racing for the lift slash elevator before the doors close. There’s, like, eight or nine people in there and they all do that thing that I always do when I’min a lift slash elevator and someone is rushing for it. They all pretend they can’t see us, while one of them — some random old dude? — makes a movement like he’s looking for the hold doors button but he does it in, like, slow motion.
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Fri, 30 Sep 2022 - 5min - 424 - 'Ronan is a – what’s the word – Republican? As in, he’s got the names of the whole crew from 1915 tattooed on his upper orm'
Claire from Bray of all places says the miniature Scotch eggs are – oh my God – divine? Sorcha says the secret is to fold some Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco into the pork mince before deep-frying the things in 100 per cent corn oil.
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Fri, 23 Sep 2022 - 5min - 423 - 'The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the master'
I’m like, “Okay, listen up, everyone,” spinning a rugby ball in my hands and – to be honest? – loving the way my voice sounds right now.
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Fri, 16 Sep 2022 - 6min - 422 - ‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’
Lauren — as in, like, my best friend Christian’s wife? — has never been my number one fan. There are many reasons for that. For storters, she wouldn’t be what I would call a rugbyperson?
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Fri, 09 Sep 2022 - 5min - 421 - ‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’
It’s, like, the first day of the school year and we’re standing outside the gates of Castlerock College. Although it would be more accurate to say that we’re blocking the gates — yeah, no, in protest at the school’s decision to go co-ed. There’s, like, 40 or 50 old forts involved — mostly mates of my old man’s — and they’re in their literally element.
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Fri, 02 Sep 2022 - 6min - 420 - ‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’
There are – I think we’d all agree? – some great events in the South Dublin social calendar. There’s, like, the Dublin Horse Show. There’s the arrival of Santa Claus in a twin-engine Sikorsky on the roof of Dundrum Town Centre each December. And there’s obviously Bloomsday – or, as I call it, Halloween for wankers.
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Fri, 26 Aug 2022 - 6min - 419 - I’m lying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups with my top off, when I hear Honor go, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two focking clowns!
The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west — in other words, her old pair came to visit.
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Fri, 19 Aug 2022 - 7min - 418 - ‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’
It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice.
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Sat, 13 Aug 2022 - 6min - 417 - What are the girls in Mount Anville going to say when they find out you’re living in a housing estate?
A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross?
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Sat, 06 Aug 2022 - 7min - 416 - I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows
So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long mirror, with a 6kg dumbbell in either hand, thinking how fantastic I look for a man of, like, 42, with abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows.
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Fri, 29 Jul 2022 - 7min - 415 - ‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’
The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.
“The fock are we even doing here?” I go.
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Fri, 22 Jul 2022 - 6min - 414 - ‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’
Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs.
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Fri, 15 Jul 2022 - 6min - 413 - Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling
It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area and 14 per cent was wiped off local property values overnight.
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Fri, 08 Jul 2022 - 7min - 412 - Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)
Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking.
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Fri, 01 Jul 2022 - 7min - 411 - Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code
“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.”
I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.”
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Fri, 24 Jun 2022 - 6min - 410 - ‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’
“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”
And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk.
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Fri, 17 Jun 2022 - 7min - 409 - ‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’
“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes.
Herbeing Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club.
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Fri, 10 Jun 2022 - 7min - 408 - Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments
Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area.
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Sat, 04 Jun 2022 - 7min - 406 - "Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"
So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build?
https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/
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Fri, 27 May 2022 - 7min - 405 - ‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’
There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?”
And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed.
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Fri, 20 May 2022 - 6min - 404 - ‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’
“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning.
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Fri, 13 May 2022 - 7min
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