The Divine House Reads the Divine Comedy

Evaporation, condensation, precipitation: catching up with Guido's son and other murder victims.

The late repentant are kind of boring, but Belacqua lazes around under a boulder like the lazy purgatorial baller that he is. Dante continues to be obsessed with geography.

Does Alex Honnold have a shadow? You tell me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cyya23MPoAI 

The second canto tends to confuse us (cf: Inferno Canto 2, when we couldn't figure out who was talking). That's true here too! Good we're consistent. Don't rock this boat!!

WE'RE BACK! Here with Virg and Pilg in PURG! 

Disclaimer: neither of us knows what prime numbers are. 

It's the deepest circle of Hell, and it turns out that Lucifer isn't really in charge. Or is he? ...Time to go to The Upside-Down. 

That's right: Specialty sports headwear made from human tears! Also, Princess Elsa's hypothetical trip to Caïna, Elaine's Mushu fanfic, and the biggest dis in the Inferno—so far. 

Before curb-stomping, there was head-chomping: an icy lake, "orifice vibes," Dante's Moleskine notebook, nom nom—ciabatta! Listeners, this one is a wild ride. 

Giants, folks! Also: the whales were Gaea's bath bombs; Lucy's FaceID doesn't work; Elaine's professor has Insights; we hypothesize that Antaeus would give a lot of shit to flight attendants, but actually, turns out he is kind of nice. 

Why is lying worse than killing thousands of people? Also: Zeus gets pregnant (in his thicc thigh); we want to go on vacation to Siena to see this fountain that tempts a lute-person; Potiphar's wife cuts tomatoes; Master Adamo and Sinon get into a little tiff to rival the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Dante rubbernecks; Virgil loses his patience. Besties!!  

Virgil scolds Dante for staring at Bertran de Born's head for too long. "The circle of liiiiiife..." Jeez, the tenth bolgia is really bad, as the Alchemist sinners are... never mind, the complexities of parking garage ventilation are more interesting! And trucking! Out, damn spot! We end by discussing why fraud is such a bad sin in Dante's world, and good vs. bad alchemists.

By "own-horn-tooting," we mean Dante referring to his own contrapasso as contrapasso (spoiler: he made up this word). But the "gore" and "schisms" are literally gore and schisms. Also, a warning that a very important figure in Islam turns up in this episode, and not in a good way. :( 

That’s right folks. Ulysses went upsie-downsies Hans Zimmer-style because as we know, the world is round but God doesn’t want you to go too far! Why? You’ll run into Mount Purgatory (spoilers). A SMOKIN’ canto if we do say so ourselves.

Listeners, this canto is *gross* and contains much discussion of sexual assault, in the context of centaurs and snake penises splitting in two. We also cancel the F-word and ask to speak to the manager of Hell. But even if you don't listen, look at this link we found while we were recording it: https://news.mongabay.com/2018/12/relative-of-penis-snake-amphibian-named-after-donald-trump/. It's a nice way to commemorate Trump being voted out of office. 

ELECTION NIGHT, and the FBI is listening to our podcast, so we have to be careful. Too bad Dante has decided to give naked thieves snake-belts before they disintegrate into ashes. We are bored of Virgil, so we cast Bradley Cooper to play him. (Hot!) Also, the bolgias are kind of like collapsible coffee cups, and speaking of vessels, Jesus definitely had a Kleen Kanteen. OK, off to chill with Hillary Clinton, who is at an all-expenses-paid resort in the Bahamas with Ares, god of war. Good luck, America! It wasn't us. 

Virgil was a kind of gullible lil daddy, we decide. ALSO FEATURING... cute "tussle tops" served to us on Instagram; pig dander; monastic laundry practices; our Halloween party ideas; the bisexual energy of As You Like It; Lucy spoiling Game of Thrones (don't say we didn't warn you!). 

The title says it all, no? 

Dante is a COY BOY! He doesn't tell us what he's up to... But it turns out there are some infrastructure problems in hell. The devil Malecoda is like "I'll send you guys with my guys. Don't worry. You can trust me, I'm totally trustworthy." And we're like NO GUYS! Don't do it, this guy's name is literally BAD BOOTY. He has BAD in the NAME! and also, he uses that bad booty of his to bugle a lot, if you catch our drift. Farting. That's right. There is a lot of farting.  

Where in Dante's Inferno would we put Donald Trump? Hard to say without SPOILERS. Well, in any case, he probably wouldn't be with Tiresias, Michael Scot (not from the Office...we THINK) and the other seers in the fourth Bad Bulge, which is wet with the tears they are crying into their own butts. Oops! 

Another spoiler: We are pedants. Not sure yet where we'll end up. Stay tuned!!

We finally get to the part where people are buried upside down! Dante throws a lot of shade at the church, and Boniface VIII makes another appearance. (A subplot we LOVE.) In this case, his bony face is about to get shoved up the butt of another simonist, aka someone who sells clerical privileges for £££. Also in store this time: Constantine! forgery! the harlot bride of someone! she-bears! and also, a special hug from Virgil. 

Yes, you read that right. BULGES. Ten of them! Damn. We are in the eighth circle now, betches! And let's just say... there are WHIPS. 

Dante's version of Geryon is kinda weird, but more importantly, what prize should we offer people who actually listen to this? That makes up the bulk of our discussion, gentle listeners. Just being honest. 

DISCLAIMER: We do not own the trademarks to Goldfish®. Bypassingly, in this episode Dante runs into some of his political heroes, who are flayed, possibly because they were gay, which is NOT something we support! (the flaying) Things end with a loud waterfall. Also Virgil takes off Dante's belt. No, really. 

The title says it all. OMG. Brunetto Latini, aka Dante's teacher whom we misnamed in the first episode, is HERE! It's a cute reunion, but Virgil gets his toga in a twist because *he* is Dante's teacher now. We conclude that Virgil is annoying, and Purgatory is probably the only place in the afterlife where sex would be fun. 

Blasphemy! Fireflakes! Rivers! Oh my! Also, the Old Man of Crete, who is just one wet wet dude. 

This one confirms once again that are definitely going to hell. 

Welcome to the SEVENTH CIRCLE folks! Not gonna lie, we forgot which canto we were on. But no matter! The Minotaur is what's up, and Jesus did some serious infrastructural damage on his most recent tourist trip. Also: centaurs who may or may not be played by Pierce Brosnan; Hammurabi's Code; sparkling anthropotaurs; a river of boiling blood. Whose blood is it? Unclear. 

FYI: Trent is NOT the same as Trieste. We are ignorant. We are so, so unqualified to make this podcast. If you haven't realized that by now, we don't know what to tell you. 

Virgil gives a VERY UNCLEAR roadmap of hell and we encounter some BAD SMELLS.  And yes, listeners, Dante does call Virgil "the sun that shines to clear a misty vision." He's such a little fanboy. It's cute but annoying. 

Also featured: Pope Anastasius (no relation to Anastasia...we THINK); a circa-2003 Razor cellphone; a cold, stinky vale and lots of SCREE; make sure you bring a whistle when you go hiking in the mountains! We are very confused about the architectural structure of hell, but the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is wild.

🌃 😇 😇 

😃🤝😇 

👨 👨 👨 🍆 😇 ❗⁉️

🤨🚫

👯‍♀️🆗

😇 🔜💨🌪🔥

😦

🚶🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️💃🏻

💃🏻➡️🧂

The only thing of note that happens in this episode is that we get into a snitty little quarrel about the pronunciation of IMPIOUS. Also some guys speak to Dante while half-submerged in their own graves. (Are those graves on fire? Please. Don’t waste our time with these qubibles. OF COURSE THEY ARE, you impious twit. Have you learned NOTHING from Virgil’s tour so far? If it can be on fire, it is.) 

Literally, we are all together in Dis, the city in Hell where everyone is hanging out in graves that are also on fire (fun!). Dante gets chatty with the sinners as per usual. Virgil talks about getting imprisoned by his own fanfic. The Furies are chilling and flailing. Finally Virgil pulls a Karen and calls the manager, aka....Hercules. (?!?) 

This episode is also where we update you on some of the things we promised we would look up, but never did because we are SLOTHFUL. We get into a digression on Theseus being a Dick, Athena being "mixed up," things Being Cake, whether Judas had free will, and whether Jesus was thinking about sex constantly. We'll never know! 

We also cannot remember the word PHARISEES for the entire episode; what loserly HERETICS we are. Nothing new here. 

To quote ourselves in this episode, "We are not cool." In fact, as it turns out, Dante has gotten more action while in Hell than we have for all of lockdown! This is good for public health but bad for the morale of the Divine House.

Dante continues to suck up to Virgil, meanwhile someone is crossing the river Styx REALLY fast, and it turns out his name is essentially Phlegm. (Phlegyas.) We run into Filippo Argenti, and approach the city of Dis, where Virgil has serious connections... or does he? 

Also: Scented candles. TGV trains. Chianti. Our dating lives. Really, it doesn't get less cool than this. 

OK, this was recorded DEEP in quarantine, hence our excitement at some delivery people on the road outside. FUN! Back in Hell, Dante comes across a lot of people who are greedy, rageful, and not doing so hot. Yikes. We cluck (like Plutus), and we conclude: f*&$ luck. 

We encounter the gluttons, and partake in some sketchy piano-playing, not in that order. 

OK, make sure you sacrifice to the gods properly or you might have to have your in-house inventor create a mechanical cow so your wife can have sex with a giant bull inside it! And you might end up with a huge-ass tail. Literally a huge ass-tail. With which you condemn souls in the circles of hell. <-- This is a fact-check to our analysis of Minos, because guess what, it WAS his fault that his wife had sex with a bull! It was NOT HER FAULT. What the hell. 

But no, dear listeners, this is actually a canto très tragique... doomed lovers, endless winds, SEXY BOOKS. Strap yourselves in. 

So we knew that Dante is obsessed with Virgil. But he really goes over the edge in this one. He even has some *secret convos* with his dead idols, including Homer, Horace, Lucan... also Orpheus is somehow hanging out with Seneca, and Dante shows some surprising cross-faith appreciation for Avicenna and Averroes. But mainly he fanboys. And we fangirl accordingly.  

The gates of hell remind us of writing our dissertations. 

Other things of note: 

- We can't stop laughing. 

- We don't realise that these are the most famous lines of the poem. 

- We enter hell. 

- Charon smacks people's butts! 

- Probably the most boring episode so far. 

Okay, it turns out Virgil didn't arrive totallyout of nowhere... interesting. Lots of cameos from our favourite ladies, including one whose identity is a real mystery. We even had to RE-record this episode because it was so confusing! We love to see it. 

Hello and welcome to the Divine House Reads the Divine Comedy. 

Gracious listeners, in this episode we embark upon a journey to the low-fi Inferno. What even is this poem? Who was Dante Alighieri? What is the Divine House? WHAT IS DIVINITY?! 

These are some of the questions that we will discuss VERY deeply in this VERY serious podcast. Just two innocent grad students grappling with a 700-year-old medieval Italian text. No preparation needed. On our end or on yours! 

See you on the other side.