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The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

Strong Marriages

A 60-Second Podcast to Encourage Your Marriage by Dr. Dewey Wilson, CEO of Strong Marriages.

30 - Is All Conflict Bad?
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  • 30 - Is All Conflict Bad?

    The last time you and your spouse were fully engaged in a verbal disagreement, did you happen to make a comment to yourself that went something like, “This conflict is good because it’s a great opportunity for our marriage to become stronger?” Most of us (after we stopped chuckling), would answer with a resounding “I don’t think so!” In fact, many husbands and wives report they are really not good at dealing with conflict in their marriage. Most admit the majority of their arguments result in one or both regretting something they said or often times feeling saddened and separated from the other.  

    There are a number of reasons why most spouses do not enjoy conflict. It could be attributed to embedded childhood experiences of parents or care-givers constantly arguing and the negative emotions associated with the memories of the turmoil. Also, many individual personality types tend to prefer more peaceful and less confrontational environments. These reasons certainly seem sensible. Yet, the majority of married couples today experience difficulties with conflict resolution mainly because of misguided perceptions regarding conflict, along with simply not being adequately equipped with the skills necessary for resolving conflict in a healthy manner. 

    While meeting with a couple in my office a few months ago, the wife assertively commented to her husband that she simply wanted to experience a happy marriage like many of the couples in their small group at church. When I asked her to explain what in her mind constituted them being happy, she responded with “They must be happy because I’ve never seen them arguing with each other!” Just like so many other spouses, she had simply allowed her misguided perceptions to lead her to believe that the absence of visible conflict equated to happiness. 

    We tend to find that husbands and wives who exhibit a strong, happy marriage are also quick to admit they occasionally argue. Not politely disagree, but literally argue. They go on to share the reason they don’t get deadlocked in their conflict is because they have learned effective communication skills and intentionally choose to use them when resolving their conflict.

    Here are a few tips for becoming more effective at resolving conflict in your marriage:

      Don't bring up issues when there is not an adequate amount of time for them to properly be discussed. Try to stay focused on the issue instead of attacking the other person. Be quick to recognize when your emotions are prohibiting you from hearing what the other person is saying. Be willing to step back or ask for a "time out." Be willing to grant your spouse a "time out." Always set a time to re-engage from a "time out" once emotions have settled. Try to communicate in short sentences instead of providing a complete history of events in a short amount of time. Try to listen intently to your spouse instead of preparing your response.  Give up your right to always have the last word. Remember that you don’t have to apologize for what you do not say.
    Sat, 30 Jan 2021 - 00min
  • 29 - Drive Through Listening

    On a scale from one to ten, with one representing the worst and ten the best, what score would you give yourself when it comes to how well you let others know you are listening when they speak? Just out of curiosity, would your spouse or others close to you agree with your response? As president of a ministry promoting and teaching how to have a strong marriage, I admit I should know the value of intentional listening. However, I also admit I consistently struggle in this area. Mainly because I am usually going Mach 10 with my pants on fire, thinking I need to get to the next thing. 

    Bottom line, when this occurs I am operating from a selfish heart by making a volitional choice to not listen closely when others are speaking—even when it is the person taking my food order at the drive-through! So, what is intentional listening? Simply stated, it is exercising specific communication skills that help give the speaker greater confidence in knowing that what they have said has been accurately interpreted and understood. Since intentional listening is also often referred to as active listening, let’s look at a few specific characteristics of active listening, beginning with non-verbal indicators.

    Body Language 

    Your body language has a lot to do with letting others know you're listening. For example, making eye contact with the speaker lets them know you value their comments, as opposed to you looking at text messages or e-mails on your cell phone. Occasionally giving them an affirming “head nod” lets others know you’re listening. Facial expressions also say much about the listener. Looking angry or staring intensely is generally a good way to cut conversations short. Smiling at others when they are talking is basically like giving them permission to open up and lets them know you care. If you’re not angry, don’t send mixed signals.

    People tend to quickly notice whether you're listening by how you stand or sit while they speak. Lounging back in a chair with your arms folded tends to more easily give others the impression that you are not engaged in the conversation. While some might argue this type of posture sends a signal of comfort, most interpersonal communication specialists will agree that sitting more upright and even leaning into the speaker is more likely to let them know you are actively listening.

    Verbal Expressions  

    Interjecting an infrequent “yes” can let others know you’re tracking with them. However, very few people enjoy it when the interjections come every few seconds. Summarizing is a great way of engaging in the conversation. “What I hear you say,” is a good example of summarizing. Asking clarifying questions like, “So, I understand you to say,” or “Can you give me more information?” not only lets the speaker know you’re listening, but also whether they are accurately communicating their thoughts.

    Remember, active listening doesn’t mean constantly interjecting your comments by cutting others off. God tells us in Proverbs 18:13 that, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” So, how about now? Would you still give yourself the same score as you did previously?

    Fri, 29 Jan 2021 - 00min
  • 28 - Weekly Staff Meetings

    Most likely, anyone who has ever attended weekly or monthly staff meetings can recall some unpleasant experience. According to a recent Harris poll, 46 percent of those polled admit they would rather do things like take a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles, watch paint dry or even endure a root canal than sit through a boring staff meeting. Additionally, 35% of attendees consider staff meetings a waste of time.

    So why do these Americans subject themselves to such agony? The answer is quite simple: because when done effectively, staff meetings are the mile markers on the road to success. Companies that consistently monitor budgets, communicate project status, identify obstacles and recognize what works well, then create future strategies for implementation all stand a much greater chance for success than those that don’t. So what happens when we apply this same concept to marriage?

    Take a few moments to ask yourself the following questions:

      Would you say you and your spouse have a good understanding regarding your monthly finances and the detailed expenses needed to operate your family? Do you both agree on a plan for who handles family responsibilities such as going to the grocery store, doing laundry, outside chores, inside cleaning, etc.? Have you established and agreed on a plan for overseeing and implementing each family member’s schedule? Could you quickly identify what seems to work well? Do you work together to effectively problem solve and and make mid-course changes? Have you made future family plans and established strategies for success?

    So, how did you do? Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance.” Abundance here means experiencing the abundant life, which is founded on Christ (John 10:10) and represented by order as opposed to chaos or turmoil. Maybe it’s time for you and your spouse to not just consider having staff meetings, but actually make plans to have one soon. Here are a few tips for getting started:

      Schedule at least one hour a week or every other week for just the two of you to meet. You’ll be most successful if your scheduled appointment is the same each week. For example, it might be a Saturday morning or a weeknight after the kids are in bed. Place a high value on this time and keep it protected. Consider this time essential for building a stronger marriage. Therefore, choose a time in your week with little or no competing events. Should a meeting need to be changed occasionally, formulate your back up plan at the same time you decide what day will be your primary meeting date. Choose a location with little or no distractions. For some, that could be a quiet local restaurant or coffee house. The key word here is “quiet.” Others might consider it best to stay home. If so, it too needs to be free of distractions. Develop a standing agenda. For most of us that means discussing finances, weekly schedules for each family member, future events like holidays and vacations, etc... Agree beforehand on acceptable communication. Since what we communicate is often a reflection of our attitudes, taking time to prepare an attitude of openness and oneness will more often result in successful discussions. Communicate a willingness to help each other. Listen to ideas without criticism. Use words of appreciation and affirmation. Recognize when its time for a break or a time out.

    Even though it might be rough getting started, the key is to start. Then, be willing to persevere through the difficult times. Remember, your diligence will surely lead to abundance!

    Thu, 28 Jan 2021 - 00min
  • 27 - Preparing Your Response

    One of the ways our brains are like computers is that they encode and process new information with information already stored in memory. Just since the inception and continued use of brain imaging, have researchers been able to better understand the role of multi-tasking and its impact in our behavior. Relatively new research regarding cognitive processing confirms what many researchers have suspected for years - there truly is an upper limit to the amount of information a person can effectively process in a given unit of time. Therefore, it is important to understand that when doing multiple things simultaneously, less cognitive processing activity is allocated to each function. It only gets worse the more things we attempt to accomplish or think about at any given time.

    So, let’s apply this concept to communication in marriage. For years, I took great pride in my perceived ability to both listen to my wife Lynne explain an issue she was dealing with, while at the same time solving her problem in my head. In my mind, I knew I could provide her an insightful solution long before she was able to paint an accurate picture for me. Yet, based on what we just learned about the brain, it became impossible for me to devote all my attention to what Lynne was trying to communicate the moment I began solving her problem in my mind.  

    Unfortunately, the same scenario would play out during our conflicts. Only here, the moment one of Lynne’s comments solicited a negative emotion in me, I would quickly assume she had selfish intentions and offensive motivations. Therefore, once I prepared a set of defensive responses in my mind, all intended to produce character assassination, I would cut her off in mid sentence and unload. Sound familiar?

    Needless to say, today things are so much better in this area. Here are a few tips on what led to change for us: 

      Be willing to learn effective listening skills (check out the Drive Through Listening podcast). Value what Scripture says about cutting people off when they are communicating. For example, Proverbs 18:13 - “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” The moment you recognize your mind shifting, intentionally slow down and take captive your thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10: 5 – bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. When unhealthy thoughts triggered by negative emotions begin to enter your mind, slam the door shut. When tempted to interject while others are speaking, disrupting the flow of communication can be effective. Things like asking the speaker to push the pause button. Then, take a moment to stand or step away for a moment and gather your thoughts. Ephesians 4:29 states that nothing should come from our mouth except that which builds up and imparts grace to the hearer. Remember, you don’t have to apologize for what you don’t say. Remember what is being learned about cognitive processing. The moment you allow unhealthy or unedifying thoughts to take center stage while someone is speaking, you immediately lose a portion of your cognitive ability to effectively hear what is being said. Commit your struggles to prayer. Be honest with yourself about your obstacles and barriers to success. Confess them to the Lord, asking Him for perseverance and discernment in making good choices. Celebrate the small victories and maintain belief that success is possible.  
    Wed, 27 Jan 2021 - 00min
  • 26 - Positives vs. Negatives

    God created each of us to thrive best in community consisting of healthy relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even those we seem to disagree with constantly. That said, most of us would say the majority of our relationships with others are positive. Yet, almost every one of us can recall relationships where we have been emotionally scarred, and just the thought of these events makes it almost impossible to do life with them in our minds. So, why is it that even though the majority of events in our life are usually positive, we seem to remember the negative experiences more quickly? Basically, because our brains seem to be wired with a “greater sensitivity” to unpleasant news and events.

    When we are hurt by others in our environments, we tend to file away the negative emotions associated with those painful experiences. Therefore, whenever something happens that resembles one of these past experiences, our brains tend to react strongly by quickly retrieving our negative recollections. But, this may not always be a bad thing.

    Many times, God allows pain in our life for our protection. I’m quite certain that if there was no pain in me cutting one of my fingers, it is more likely that I would be fingerless. Therefore, a brain supersensitive to negative stimuli helps to protect us from impending danger. However, this sensitivity also has a down side. The more we allow negativity to be input into our brain, the greater tendency we have to view everything through a negative lens.  

    For example, let’s consider the marriage relationship. Let’s say Lynne unexplainably stops expressing gratitude for small things or uncharacteristically snaps at me multiple times in a short period. It could be because she doesn’t feel well or because she is overly stressed by work situations. The more I begin to think about how her actions are impacting me as opposed to looking for ways I can help her, before long I will start believing Lynne has no desire to meet my needs or expectations. Then, before you know it, I spend the majority of my time noticing what she’s not doing for me and refusing to serve her in ways I know she appreciates.

    Read Philippians 2:3-8. Yet, as you do, think about these verses in the context of your marriage. Paul exhorts each of us that we are to look out for the interests of others more than our own, especially our spouse. Then again that we should meditate on whatever is lovely and of good report, those things that are praiseworthy and commendable. Our brains may be created with a negative sensitivity partly for our protection, but constantly identifying and focusing on the positives in our marriage will result in more positive behavior on our part. Even when the negative events keep on coming.

    Tue, 26 Jan 2021 - 00min
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