I Love You, Too

Jealous much, Dear Listener? Fret not! In today’s conversation with Julie Barr, MFT, we explore jealousy: what it is, whether it’s healthy, and what to do about it in intimate relationships.

You may wonder, What is the true root of jealousy? Julie investigates whether jealousy is a fleeting feeling or an ingrained trait and how it differs from envy. We discuss whether jealousy is a natural, inevitable emotion or a trauma response. To round out our exploration of jealousy’s causes, we explore its link to attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment.

Next, Julie shares practical tips for addressing jealousy in romantic relationships, whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous partnership.  We delve into compersion, a concept from ethical non-monogamy that can benefit people of all relationship structures. Along the way, we take some fun tangents into boundaries vs. control (hello, Jonah Hill!), how metamours are like axe throwing, and what to do if your partner wants to spend time with an ex.

Our guest, Julie Barr, MFT, is a skilled therapist, dating coach, and couples counselor with over 30+ years of experience. She specializes in working with queer, kinky, and non-monogamous individuals, couples, and polycules.  Learn more about Julie and schedule a free consultation at relationshipcenter.com/about-julie-barr.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:34 - What is jealousy?

20:23 - Can jealousy be healthy in a relationship?

39:20 - What is compersion?

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Dear Listener, do negative thoughts about your body or your partner’s body stop you from building a satisfying love life?

If so, you won’t want to miss our conversation with special guest Jessi Kneeland, a renowned body image coach, author of Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues, and host of the podcast This Is (Not) About Your Body.

This illuminating discussion explores how rigid beauty standards sabotage romantic relationships.

First, we tackle the common phenomenon of avoiding dating entirely due to negative body image and how body neutrality can help.

Next, Jessi provides thoughtful insights on a taboo topic – physical dealbreakers in dating.  They discuss ways to suss out true dealbreakers versus those rooted in rigid beauty standards and psychological defenses. We discuss how prioritizing certain physical traits can significantly narrow one's dating pool,  the implications of such choices, and what to do about it.

Lastly, Jessi offers advice for couples in which one partner reports reduced attraction in response to their partner’s appearance changing, e.g., after gaining weight or aging. Jessi offers a surprising take on how to unpack these complex emotional terrains so that couples can maintain attraction over the long haul.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:42 - What is body neutrality and why is it important?

06:49 - How do you date with body image issues?

23:06 - “I feel badly about this, but I’m just not attracted to people who…”

41:05 - What would you say to couples where one partner “loses attraction” because their partner’s body has changed?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Connect with Jessi Kneeland

https://www.jessikneeland.com/

Instagram: @jessikneeland

Tiktok: @jessikneeland

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/JessiKneeland

Jessi’s podcast: This is (Not) About Your Body

Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues by Jessi Kneeland

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Dear Listener, are you navigating a breakup in the New Year? You’re not alone -- the holidays are hard on relationships. Some researchers and experts have even deemed December 11th “Breakup Day” because it sees the most relationship endings.

That’s why we’re kicking the year off with "Breakups: Navigating Endings Gracefully & Healing." Psychotherapist and breakup guru Laia Pedreño Mateu offers compassionate insights about how to break up kindly and heal from heartbreak.

In this heart-to-heart conversation, we delve into how to part ways with sensitivity and respect, addressing the daunting question: How do you break up with someone thoughtfully? Laia shares her expert advice on handling the immediate aftermath and the natural feelings of abandonment that may follow. We explore practical steps and mindset shifts crucial for healing and moving forward from a breakup.

Discover how to respond well when someone breaks up with you, turning a period of pain into one of growth and self-discovery. We wrap up with empowering strategies to rebuild your sense of self and emerge from a breakup stronger and more resilient.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:53 - How do you break up with someone?

24:04 - How do you respond well when someone breaks up with you?

34:33 - How do you heal from a breakup?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

About Laia: https://relationshipcenter.com/about-laia-pedreno-mateu

Ep. 7 - Stay or go? How to know whether to break up or commit to your relationship

I-Statements blog post

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Mend app

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.― Nayyirah Waheed

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Hey there, Dear Listener! Ready for the third and final chapter in our online dating series? This episode is brimming with all you need to know about filters, messaging, flirtation, and online dating etiquette.

Wondering what filters to set on your dating app? Josh does a deep dive into how you can use filters to get higher-quality matches, including pointers on how to set filters for age and distance. We also touch on whether paying for online dating premium features, such as the ability to set filters, is worthwhile.

If you’re uncertain who to swipe right on, Jessica offers five great strategies.  Next, Josh reviews what to do once you’ve matched with someone – message!  We talk about crafting a compelling first message that gives you the best chance of getting off the app and onto a date, including practical tips for flirting and getting past small talk.

We answer common questions about online dating timing, such as how long to message before requesting a date and timeframes for responding to messages. Plus, we’re chatting about juggling convos – how many people should you talk to at once on a dating app?

Lastly, Jessica reviews the essentials of online dating etiquette, such as how to gently let someone down, the best ways to cancel a date, and how many messages to send if you don’t get a response from a match.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:28 - What filters should I set on my online dating apps?

07:40 - Is it worth paying for dating apps?

10:03 - What strategy should I use to swipe?

15:08 - What do you say when sending a message in online dating?

24:00 - How long should I message before meeting with someone in person?

26:17 - What is a reasonable response time for messaging on a dating app?

30:01 - How do people flirt on dating apps?

36:29 - What is proper etiquette for online dating?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Ep. 3 - How to flirt like a feminist

Dateable podcast

Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

We answer a listener's question: Does age matter in a relationship? 

If you’ve ever wondered, How much of an age gap is OK?,tune in to hear:

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

May-December paradoxes: An exploration of age-gap relationships in Western society.

Globally, women are younger than their male partners, more likely to age alone

The marital satisfaction of differently aged couples

A Review of the Factors Associated with Marital Satisfaction

‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration

Got a burning dating or relationship question for us? Call 415-573-0164 to leave us a voicemail! Alternatively, you can record an audio note on your phone and text it to that number, or email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We may answer your question on an upcoming episode of the pod!

Dear Listener, if you’re ready to take the plunge into online dating, chances are you’re wondering, What should I write in my dating profile?  And what is a good online dating photo?

We get into the nitty-gritty of perfecting your online dating profile and photos in this episode, which is the second of our three-part online dating series!

With lots of specific examples sprinkled throughout, we cover:

The first episode of this series looked at whether online dating is worthwhile, which apps to choose, how to stay safe when online dating, how to improve matches, and how much time to spend on dating apps.  You can find that episode here: Ep. 14 - Online Dating 101: Choosing the Right Apps and Boosting Matches

And stay tuned for the third and final installment of this series, which will dig into online dating messaging, swiping, filters, and etiquette!

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:35 - What should I write in my dating profile?

38:41 - What pictures should I use on my dating profile?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page

Match’s Singles in America study

The dos and don'ts of Hinge audio notes

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures

Attachment as a predictor of attraction to humor styles

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Dear Listener, are you diving into the online dating world and wondering, What are the odds of dating apps working?

According to a 2019 Pew Research study:

In addition, a 2017 Stanford University survey found that 39% of heterosexual singles met via online dating, up from just 2% in 1995!

Is it worth it to date online? It really depends, so listen now to hear our nuanced breakdown of the pros and cons.

Let’s assume you’re ready to plunge into online dating and wonder, Which apps should I be on? We explore your options, including:

We give you the low-down on why you might opt for one type of app over the other, which are the most popular, and whether niche dating apps are worthwhile.

Jes addresses a common question for our dear male listeners: Are there any dating apps that work for guys? Spoiler: The answer is more about how you engage on the app than on the app’s demographics.

We address how many dating apps you should use at a time and how much time to spend on dating apps.

Are you already on the apps and not getting matches? We offer high-level tips on how to get more and better matches.  We’ll dive into more depth on profile, picture, swiping, and messaging tips in the next episode of this series.

Lastly, we address a concern that we often hear from older singles – how to stay safe and avoid getting scammed or catfished when online dating.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:30 - What are the odd of dating apps actually working?

05:55 - Is it worth it to date online?

12:51 - Which apps should I be on?

19:04 - How many dating apps should I use at a time?

21:59 - Are there any dating apps that actually work for guys?

23:34 - Why am I not getting matches and how do I get better matches?

32:16 - What can I do to avoid getting duped/catfished/scammed in online dating?

38:34 - How much time should you spend on online dating?

45:32 - Summary

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Pew Research - From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S.

Disintermediating your friends: How Online Dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout

Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter atrelationshipcenter.com/newsletter

Dating and rarely finding that elusive spark? This episode is for you!

We begin by exploring the mystifying concept of a "spark." What does it mean to feel a "spark," Dear Listener, and is it a prerequisite in the early stages of dating?

Next, we discuss whether it’s okay not to feel an instant connection and whether attraction and a spark are synonymous. Is it possible to be attracted to someone yet not feel that instantaneous spark?

As we venture further, we dive deep into all the reasons you might wonder, "Why am I not feeling a spark with anyone?" From the Sex & the City Fallacy to asexuality, avoidant attachment, and unrealistic standards, we touch on seven common spark stoppers.

You’ll walk away with compassionate pointers about navigating times when the spark seems to be missing more often than not.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:29 - What is a spark?

10:31 - 1. The “Sex and the City” fallacy

18:19 - 2. Asexuality

23:32 - 3. Dating Anxiety

29:30 - 4. Unrealistic standards

35:51 - 5. Avoidant attachment

42:10 - 6. An ineffective dating strategy

50:31 - 7. The context is a turn-off

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Diane Poole Heller’s attachment styles assessment

Ep. 9 - Surprising Truths about Attachment Styles

Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter

Dear Listener, if you’ve ever felt blindsided by your strong reactions to dating or confused by how the singles in the dating pool behave, this episode is for you!

We delve into the hidden impact of trauma on relationships. And if you’re thinking, "Trauma? Not me!" you might be surprised to learn that some experts estimate that 70% of adults experience a significant trauma in their lifetime.

During this episode, we break down some common misconceptions about trauma and give specific examples of how unresolved trauma impacts dating and relationships.

Opening your heart again after a trauma can be scary and overwhelming; we offer concrete guidance about reentering the dating world, one brave baby step at a time.

Last, we offer practical advice about how to date well while healing from trauma, including the common pitfalls to avoid.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

04:42 - Trauma may not be what you think it is

09:52 - How does trauma affect dating?

25:26 - How do I start dating after trauma?

35:00 - Common mistakes when dating after trauma

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?

Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience

Ep. 1 - You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the second of this two-part series, we continue exploring how to improve your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss actionable tools for shifting from an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style to a secure style.

If you haven’t yet, make sure to listen to Part 1 of this series first. That’ll make this episode make a lot more sense 🙂.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:25 - Develop secure functioning skills

13:33 - Develop a coherent self-narrative

18:40 - Befriend your nervous system

20:53 - Practice mindfulness

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment - Part 1

Befriending Your Nervous System by Deb Dana

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Headspace

The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

Thich Nhat Hanh

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the first of this 2-part series, we explore the ins and outs of improving your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss how long it takes for an insecurely attached person to become more secure and offer actionable tools for healing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized style.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:49 - What is secure attachment and why is it important?

07:56 - Can an insecurely attached person become securely attached?

11:36 - How do I go from an anxious/avoidant/insecure style to a secure style?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 9: 7 surprising truths about attachment theory

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.

Platonic by Marisa Franco

Secure attachment playlist

Positive Words from Mom

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

"What's your attachment style?" has become a common first date or dinner party question. And for good reason — we can build better relationships when we understand our own tendencies in relationships.

But did you know that there are a number of attachment theory myths circulating that might be holding you back from finding love and companionship?

Today we explore which attachment styles are healthy, whether it's possible to have more than one style, whether/how you can change your style, and how understanding attachment theory isn't a panacea for all relationship issues.

P.S. Make sure to listen all the way through to hear Josh and Jessica awkwardly singing about attachment.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:54 - Myth #1: Your attachment styles developed as a result of early childhood experiences.

05:14 - Myth #2: Your attachment style is fixed.

09:28 - Myth #3: Insecure attachment is unhealthy or bad.

14:49 - Myth #4: You're just one style.

29:15 - Myth #5: If you’re insecurely attached, you can’t build secure relationships (unless you find securely attached people).

33:44 - Myth #6: In order to build a secure relationship, you have to develop secure attachment first.

36:22 - Myth #7: Attachment theory explains everything.

39:34 - Bonus Myth and final thoughts

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.

Beyond the Valentine Chocolates and Roses: Creating a Long-Lasting Relationship

The Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to podcast@relationshipcenter.com

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

You asked, we answered! This episode features your burning questions about how to build harmonious long-term relationships. We start out with tips for developing secure attachment, including ways to soothe yourself and a partner during an anxious attachment flare. We also explore ways to get unstuck when one partner’s core wounds get triggered regularly, including fair fighting rules and communication tools that foster a peaceful relationship.

Want to win a virtual tea date with Josh and Jessica? Screenshot your Apple podcast review and send it to us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com by May 9th, 2023. We’ll choose one winner at random for an hour-long virtual chat where you can pick our brains, ask us questions, or just hang out.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:52 - How to support yourself and people you are dating with anxious attachment

28:38 - Core wounds in relationships

42:15 - Fair fighting tools for harmonious, mutually supportive relationships

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Mindful Self-Compassion

Inner Bonding

Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Possible Fair Fighting Rules to consider for your relationship

I-Statements blog post

Couples Dialogue, a communication tool for better understanding and empathizing with your partner, from Imago Works

4 Horsemen Antidotes, strategies for addressing negative communication patterns in relationships, from the Gottman Institute

Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to podcast@relationshipcenter.com

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Are you at a crossroads in your relationship? If you’re questioning whether it’s time to breakup with or further commit to your partner, today’s episode is for you. We review the signs that a relationship is healthy (or not!), including how much conflict is too much. We also discuss how and when to bring up concerns to your partner along with actionable tools you can use to clarify whether it’s time to stay or go.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

03:44 - What are the signs that a relationship is healthy or unhealthy?

10:47 - How much conflict is too much in a relationship?

22:37 - At what point do I bring up concerns I have in a relationship? How should I bring them up?

31:36 - What are some approaches that can help me decide whether to break up or commit to my relationship?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

If you’re in imminent physical, emotional, or sexual danger in your relationship, get out safely. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7.

Warmlines - free peer-run listening line staffed by people in mental health recovery themselves

One Love Foundation has excellent resources for determining whether a relationship is healthy or not (see their list of 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships) and for safely planning a breakup.

Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships by Sheva Rajaee

Episode: What to look for in a long term partner

The Gottman Institute

Stan Tatkin's books

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

Deeper Dating, by Ken Page

Antidotes to The Four Horseman

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to podcast@relationshipcenter.com

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

We’re comin’ atcha today with a Love Note, a mini-episode where we tackle one quick question. Today’s topic: my date didn’t ask me any questions on the first date. Should I go on a second date?The answer may surprise you…

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to podcast@relationshipcenter.com

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Ever wondered why online dating is so exhausting? If dating apps are making you depressed, join us for today’s episode. You’ll learn why nearly 80% of people report feeling emotionally fatigued when dating online and gain actionable strategies for how to avoid online dating burnout. We’ll also share key mindsets that will enable you to weather the ups and downs of dating so that you can find lasting love.

Our guest today is Laia Pedreño Mateu, dating coach, psychotherapist, and resident Shame Slayer at the Relationship Center. In addition to helping trauma survivors and highly sensitive people overcome anxiety, Laia’s obsessed with science fiction, group therapy, and singing 80s tunes to her golden doodle, Lucy.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

03:00 - What is dating burnout?

06:17 - Why is online dating so exhausting?

16:50 - What do we do about it?

30:34 - Why is mindset important in online dating?

39:50 - What mindsets help prevent dating burnout?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Emotional Fatigue and Burnout in Online Dating – Data Study

‘A Decade of Fruitless Searching’: The Toll of Dating App Burnout - NY Times

Platonic by Marisa Franco

The Acceptance Prophecy: How You Control Who Likes You

Do You Believe in Relationship Magic? by David J Bredehoft Ph.D.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke

Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partner

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to podcast@relationshipcenter.com

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Do your relationships tend to develop at a romantic comedy pace, only to get messy fast and fall apart dramatically? If you’ve struggled to find sustainable, lasting love, then this episode is for you. Learn about common pacing pitfalls that prevent couples from building stable partnerships, including red flags such as love bombing, how pacing can help you work skillfully with the “addiction” of love, and what to do when your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:15 - What is pacing in dating? And why should we care?

19:00 - How can we pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?

36:20 - What are signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?

49:50 - What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Episode 1: You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Episode 2: What to look for in a long-term partner

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD, Doug Abrams,  and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.

Natalie Lue’s blog Baggage Reclaim

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

“How do I flirt without being creepy?” If anxiety stops you from flirting (especially in the #metoo era), then this episode is for you. Jessica and Josh talk about why flirtation is essential in dating, how feminist principles can help you build passionate relationships, and what to do if you’re too shy to flirt.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:52 - What is flirting?

10:07 - Why is it important?

15:27 - Principles of feminist flirting

17:55 - What does feminist flirting look like? What does it mean to flirt like a feminist?

25:36 - How do you flirt without being creepy?

32:36 - What if you feel too shy to flirt?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey Hall

Mama Gena, author and feminist icon

Episode 2: What to look for in a long term partner

Research on flirting. Keep in mind this is a mishmash of various strategies that vary in effectiveness depending on your gender, goal (e.g. short-term vs long-term), and cultural context.

Episode 1: You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

What makes a good long-term partner, according to science? And why is it important to be mindful when we are choosing who to settle down with? In this episode, we dig into the research about what to look for and — equally important — what not to look for in a long-term partner. Plus, how do you clarify what you need in a partner? How can you differentiate between dealbreakers and “nice-to-haves” so that you can more effectively date?

Key Takeaways

00:00:00 - Intro and episode overview

00:02:24 - Why be mindful of who we choose as a long-term partner?

00:06:02 - What science says about what makes a good long-term partner

00:25:07 - What doesn’t make someone a good partner, according to research

00:50:57 - How to clarify what you need in a partner

01:04:28 - How to clarify what you want vs. what you need

Resources Mentioned

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Downloadable Guide: What to look for in a long-term partner (includes the Relationship Inventory and the Ideal Mate Exercise)

Warren Buffett says the most important decision you’ll ever make has nothing to do with your money or career

Study from Tel Aviv: Dissatisfaction with Married Life in Men Is Related to Increased Stroke and All-Cause Mortality

Harvard Study of Adult Development

Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong, By Eric Barker

The Gottman Institute

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

Deeper Dating, by Ken Page

People Are Dating All Wrong, According to Data Science

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Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

It’s no secret that dating is hard. But why? If you’re stuck repeating the same patterns in dating such as attracting unavailable partners or struggling to be yourself in dating, we’re here to say - you’re not alone! In this episode, we’ll break down three of the most common reasons dating is hard and provide concrete tools to help you date with a little more ease and joy.

Key takeaways

00:00 - Intro and episode overview

01:51 - Why dating’s hard (#1): Insecure attachment styles

12:22 - Why dating’s hard (#2): Unresolved trauma

20:26 - Why dating’s hard (#3): Dating anxiety

24:45 - A three-step process for making dating easier

Resources

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Polyvagal theory chart of trauma response

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Research indicates that relationships are the key to living a happy, long life. But healthy relationships aren’t always easy to build, particularly if you’re shy, anxious, or still reeling from past hurts. Join psychotherapist, couples counselor, and dating coach, Jessica Engle, and professional certified coach, Josh Van Vliet, on “I Love You, Too,” a show all about how to build and sustain meaningful relationships. Josh and Jessica, a real-life couple, will share evidence-based yet heart-filled techniques to help you find love, friendship, and the community you crave.