The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Sex Life — And Why It Goes Wrong Why Intimacy Feels Impossible With Insecure Attachment (Trained by Thaddeus Birchard, Founder of ATSAC) Insecure Attachment Is Silently Ruining Your Sex Life (Sex Addiction Specialist Explains) If sex feels like a performance, a source of anxiety, or something you pull away from — or something you use to avoid feeling anything at all ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre If you cling when someone pulls away, panic when a text goes unanswered, or want closeness and fear it at the same time, you're not "too much" — you're likely running an Attachment pattern formed long before the relationship you're in now. In this video, Gary explains Anxious and Disorganized Attachment: where the terror of being abandoned comes from, why the two styles feel so different from the i...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "I don't need anyone" often sounds like strength — but it's frequently a trauma response, not a personality trait. In this video, Gary breaks down hyper-independence: why it develops (usually from learning early on that relying on others wasn't safe or reliable), how it quietly damages relationships by keeping partners, friends, and family at arm's length, and why the people who most need connection are ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Most relationship patterns — the ones you keep repeating without meaning to — trace back to one thing: your Attachment Style. In this video, Gary breaks down the four Attachment Styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), what drives each one, and why understanding yours is often the missing piece in relationships that keep hitting the same wall. This isn't about labelling yourself — it's about...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The Attachment That's Really Avoidance — Why Closeness Can Feel Like a Threat Why Some People Feel Closest When They're Actually Furthest Away DESCRIPTION: What looks like attachment — staying, showing up, saying the right things — can actually be a form of detachment. Many people in relationships with addiction stay closely tied to the routine and the role, while emotionally checking out from th...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Shame and self-criticism are often the real barrier to recovery — not the addiction itself, but the belief underneath it that you're not worth the work of healing. In today's video, trained sex and porn addiction specialist [Gary] walks through a practical 30-day self-compassion exercise designed to rebuild the distorted self-perception that years of shame and self-chastisement can create. Gary t...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's look at Episode 189 recording from another perspective. Sobriety rarely happens in a straight line — and if you've relapsed and feel like you're back at square one, you're not failing at recovery, you're likely missing a piece of it. In this video, Gary explains why "white-knuckling" and willpower alone tend to collapse under pressure, and why lasting sobriety depends on treating the trauma undern...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When you do Therapy/Counselling with The Kairos Centre, there are these 3 Stages which summarise the process: Stage one: Explore - that is what we do in the 50 minutes session. We jump into the sand pit together to talk, discuss and explore the issues. Stage two: Reflections in order to gain Insight & Understanding. That is what you do outside of the sessions. It is actually the most important stage,...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex Addiction prevalence in the couple's relationship is likely to create tension, conflict , hurt and damage to trust and therefore undermine to couple's relationship. Repair will be needed and almost certainly third party trained help will be beneficial. When "Mrs Porn" is on her way out and a distance down the road - not necessarily having been gone for a long period - but going is detectible - it's t...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Negative thinking is also a form of meditation - meditation on the wrong thing. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural) principles kick in - which tells us - my thinking (whether negative or positive) will always determine and lead to my behaviour. Therefore, a negative schema is being set up, such that negative behaviours are merely following the pre-determine trajectory set in place by cognitive/thinking. Change c...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre You really are not as bad as yo think you are. Honestly! Your sense of who you really are has gone adrift. Try the exercise in today's video, to reclaim right perspectives over time. Self compassion is needed - toward self. Don't be that hard on yourself. Too much self chastisement and insufficient praise and acknowledgement of an achievement, has enhanced that self deprecation. Stop it now! Do the...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Consider these Life Stages by Dr Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D (www.institute4learning.com): "Here are what I call the twelve gifts of the human life cycle: 1. Prebirth: Potential – The child who has not yet been born could become anything – a Michelangelo, a Shakespeare, a Martin Luther King – and thus holds for all of humanity the principle of what we all may yet become ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Life Stages (not Midlife Crises!) is about how Human Development is divided into distinct Stages. Here is a reminder of those Stages: Prenatal -> infancy -> early childhood -> middle childhood -> adolescence -> early adulthood -> middle adulthood -> late adulthood. It is stating the obvious, but recognise (and not only pay lip-service) to the fact that each Stage is marked by certain...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Human beings have a life cycle. Each stage is marked by subtle adjustments to cope with the social, economical, cultural and sometimes, chronic stressors of the stage. Here is just one version of Life Stage age grouping categories. There are variants. Let us look at one version. Each stage looking at the different phases of life: Infant (Birth- 2 years): Changes in schedules – bedtime, routin...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more. In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consciously/intentionally trash our Values. They are a part of us and how we do life, want to do life and choose t...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre It is worth listening again to the first part of this topic (in a recent past episode) - entitled: Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - This is a continuation of that topic talking about Core Emotional Needs. This is part 2 of how Passive-Aggressive behaviours can show up - as a way of trying to get Core Emotional Needs met. Do you know what are your top 3 most important...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Grab your popcorn, peanuts and a drink, this is a long episode. It is a bonus episode, bringing it all together in one episode. I was interviewed by Seen&heard (an organisation supporting those traumatised by boarding school attendance) - for whom I am one of their Directory of experienced Therapists working with those different Traumas. In this very personal and up close interview of me and my journ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this? Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vi...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's talk about how well you really know yourself. Remember that the addiction behaviours are all about self-soothing to manage emotions; a time of escape from life's issues for a while. It means that many other life skills for managing emotions such as stress, pressure, anxiety, upset and other normal emotions, may never have been learned in childhood, because the addiction behaviours became the 'go-to...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre “I’m the author of my own life story. Unfortunately, I’m writing in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes but my future will be better than my past.” - Mr Meet Therapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from the unseen, from the invisible, into the conscious, into the seen, into the vi...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change. Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'. Can yo...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In this episode, let's say it all in poetry. My Brain And Heart Divorced – John Roedel My brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another – ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Many people think that pornography consumption is harmless. Studies, however, have proven that regular consumption can have a negative impact on the brain. Prolonged exposure can alter brain structures, brain functioning and therefore, behaviour patterns. (A Recovery Programme is all about rewiring the brain). Frequency of use, existing or prior mental health conditions, age of exposure and the type of p...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. (Sympathy and Empathy are very different). Narcissism and Empathy cannot co-exist at high levels together in the same person. (Both cannot be seen being used at high levels in the same person). There will always be a high level of one and a low level of the other. Make sure Empathy is the one that is practised at a high level, in how you do life. (You will nee...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Here is my mathematical formula - as we look at Narcissism: SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX, PORN, LOVE ADDICTION I am not saying that those with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction are Narcissists. (Some may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)). What I am saying is that all of my clients with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction, have traits which come out of NPD. Most of my clients will initially reject the suggestion th...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex - Addict, maybe you really are not yet at the 'ACTION' stage, as you think you are! 'Tools for 'ACTION' won't work if that is not the STAGE you are at. Let's look at where you might be at, despite turning up at the Therapists office because you have been caught and you have the Damocles sword over your head from the threats to leave and take the children - from your partner; or you have had the...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Love me in five ways: (See my Book - The Art of Loving) Most of us operate out of emotional love. Our love is conditional. Loving self comes first. If you do not love yourself, it is not possible to love someone with the high level of love you think you have for them. It is deception to think that we do love our partner, whilst not really able to say that we love our self. Learn to love yourself first....

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Tools for repairing The Sex Addiction impacted couples relationship Couples get into a conflict dance of words and emotions, mostly because of their Attachment Fears - fears of being Abandoned. The conflict of words is rarely about the actual subject matter in dispute. There is an under current of despair. It is rarely about the top left off the tooth paste or leaving the toilet seat up. Have a ...

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis (TA). He said that verbal communication is at the centre of human social relationships and is a transaction. He called it Transactional Analysis. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, ne...

Send us Fan Mail More on unconscious Couples collusive fit dynamics of attraction By ROSIE IFOULD, 1 August 2011 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2020944/Do-fight-like-cats-dogs-Or-half-pedestal-How-identifying-couple-type-transform-love-life.html#ixzz36JbJ34V9 Most of us take on set roles in our relationships whether we realise it or not. We like to think that every relationship is unique. Experts have identified six different ‘couple types’ that we all fall into. Psychologists say,...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Unconscious Couples Collusive fit - of attraction to each other. Identify with any of these dynamics in your partnered relationship - now or in the past? Henry Dicks suggested that there are three areas involved in a couple fit: A public fit of social class, ethnicity and education between couples. Each partner will have had different experiences from childhood. Both of the partners may have had attach...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Mate/Partner selection, Collusive/Couple fit and all that: Why did I choose you and not someone else on planet earth? "I have never met you before or hardly know you, yet in a room of 100 people, I gravitate to you". How does that happen? My reply as a Therapist: "Because you 'promise' (or hold the potential) to fix and supplement an aspect of me which needs what you have - but I am not going to tell y...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre From where did you get your Sex Ed knowledge back there during the developing childhood years, which you have been following through and repeatedly practising in adulthood? Was it 'Peers, banter and porn' which set up your sexual template, long before school Sex Ed - which got there way too late; the deed was already done. You give a wry smile when asked about Sex Ed at home from parents! For mos...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Part 5 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of - This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspective Here is a portion of an article by Lauren Dubinsky - Founder of Good Women Project: What I Wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012 "Pornography is a charged subject, and it's a word that rarely crosses the lips of most women. Yes, there are now breeds of the modern woman who...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Part 4 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of - This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspective Covid-19 contributed to a significant increase in the compulsive use of porn in 10 to 75 years old. Women gravitated to webcam usage during lockdown – maybe coerced by partners making it seem like a necessary substitute. Many such females do not yet know they might be addicted until...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Therapy is about you not me. What do you want from Therapy? Are Fetishes or Paraphilia activities to be included? Where does your view come from? Is it your view or a 'hand me down?' What is for sure is that Therapy won’t work until you are ready. But if you take too long (as the masses do), then the hand gre...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Make the real thing the real thing; prioritise the right thing. Fight the right battles. Don't fight some battles, but lose the war. It will drain you and then you want to self-soothe and dissipate your energy. Your brain may sideswipe you to focus on non-essentials. What is the real issue. Take your eyes off...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Sex Addiction is handled very differently between the cultures. Shame plays out differently between cultures. 'Shame' in Asian culture, is very different to 'Shame' in Western European culture. An interesting article by Sam Louie, discusses Asian 'Shame' and 'Honour' as a cultural conundrum: "...Honoring his ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest or them all”? How do you answer that question for you? Learn to love self, before you can love others. I use that thing called EMDR to work on the distorted image of self. What is this thing called EMDR? It is Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing. Wha...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. There is a difference between men and women and how they raise boy children - isn't there! Am I allowed to even pose that question? What does emasculation of men mean? A browser search result says about Emasculation: 'It refers to the perceived loss of traditional masculine attributes, such as strength and po...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. What’s a “Russian Doll” (or is it called a Babushka) got to do with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction? I thought you would never ask! “I haven’t bought into that nonsense “Big boys don’t cry”, when I was growing up”. At least, I don’t think so”! That guy called John Bowlby in the 1940’s dared to put together some sup...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Russian dolls very well illustrates the brain's attempts to protect and guard us from repeat pain from situations experienced in the childhood development years. The real us, may have got stunted, where the brain built layers and layers around the inner child from the time of early developmental traumas and u...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. We need you ladies. Don't give up on us yet! So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you. I am convinced that women have been endowed with an extra perceptive sense which us men do not have. You see danger in innocuous situations that us men just glaze our eyes over,...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Impediments to having great relationships: Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very important role. Masculinity cannot be entirely and comprehensively supplemented by a mother. It is not “do a...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we are really not, is hard work. At some point there may be an increased desire to self-soothe and escape ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "Narcissism because of Sex Addiction - Yuk! That's not me". Many clients initially (but silently and violently) object to any suggestion that there is Narcissism at work. I am never suggesting they have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder), but that they WILL have traits from Narcissism. Here is one definition of Narcissism which I use: "Narcissism is the way we conceptualise how we will look af...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Developmental history from childhood The phase of childhood from birth to age 6 is a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During this sensitive period of development, a child acquires a variety of new abilities and skills that are a necessary part of child development. There are five sensitive period categories, which incl...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex Addiction is different to Porn Addiction. Sex & Porn Addiction are different to Love Addiction. They all get set up in 3 ways: 1. Opportunity: Material accessed too early in childhood development 2. Trauma: Just as it says on the label of the can! But make trauma age-related and its impact on the immature developing brain, not what is going on in wars between Russia & Ukraine, Israel & ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively: John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading. Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity and femininity communicate. There is a big difference b...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex addict, your body demeanour is going to give you away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'! When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave towards that person until something happ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. Sex Addiction does damage the brain and so, damages the filters. We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the message can come out the other end looking very different to what went in and was received. A ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference between Listening and Hearing. Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Remember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?' Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance. Now let’...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'. "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph Nichols. Communication is way more than words that come out of mouths. Do you enter conversations to be unders...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Human beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age). Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase. Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills are developing, particularly from interaction with other children. Separation anxiety is visible as children begin school attendance. Adolescent (...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you? Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance which keeps being playe...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's continue our look at 'Repairing the damaged couples relationship, post Sex Addiction'. Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner! Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not negotiable. They want to be met and Fight/Flight/ Freeze will play out where they have been depleted for ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Building new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British! Question: "How are you today". Answer: "I'm fine thank you". Observation after the automatic response: "I notice you are on strong pain-killers and on crutch...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Couples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual. Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “Marriage is not the coming together of two people. It’s a clash of two cultures, two experiences, two memories, two habits, two...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Shaped by circumstances from birth Picture the new born baby which starts life with innocence and a brain with few impressions. It starts to experience life and living and soon the brain has some impressions and templates being carved out. Good and not so good experiences and impressions. A distorted image develops. The individual distorted image of a male coming with his own unique impress...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process. Sex Addicts need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of a partner in order to see the relationship from the partner's vantage point and perspective. All clients wi...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted. We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toile...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours. When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we w...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up. Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the co...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes. In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framework' for counsellors working with or intending to work with Compulsions and Addictions. I guess it did so for a reason. Compulsions and Addictions ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict. Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do. The antidote is to learn...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Unresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing). Another analogy that I use (but please don't tell my EMDR colleagues that I described it to you like this)! It is as if you own an 8 bedroom mansion hous...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Have you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) Hymn What has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years and what got set up as templates, to create those hamster wheel patters of repeat behaviour; those habits - otherwise called Neural...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect. They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Singles to identify their ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Testosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes. Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher likelihood of death from various events. Their brains are not yet fully mature and therefore they make bad choices and poor decisions. They are 4 t...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Men's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female: The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiological and behavioural processes. The MPOA is packed with twice as many neurones and density. Since it has a larger capacity in males, this is why...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Alcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women. Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sexual being, because of the effects on her sex drive. That is enhanced if she is near her ovulatory window. During their ovulatory window, women ar...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In all your getting, get understanding: Men see female promiscuity as a deal breaker. If a man finds that a woman is not sexually active, he will intuitively feel that she is more likely to be faithful. Sexual integrity and sexual loyalty, is the most valued traits in a women, when a man is considering asking her to marry him. "Female Choice" and " Paternity Certainty" are significant issues. "Female C...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The younger the age that a female experiences sexual arousal, the higher the socio-sexual index she is going to have. (Socio-sexual index is the amount of casual/'promiscuity' sex that a person has). The higher the promiscuity at a younger age, the more open the female will be to all sexual things. In the USA the average age of young females exposure to sexual arousal is aged 10 to 13. Therefore, the a...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Gen A and their siblings, listen up. Hear this bit of neurobiology. At puberty, males Androgen levels explode at puberty and between aged 13 to 15. It is 10 to 30 times higher at puberty, than pre-puberty. In females, Androgen levels (such as Testosterone - and yep males, females also have levels of Testosterone!) - their's only double and so remain much lower than in females. So, a post-puberty male, ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In this episode, the audio takes you through matters which could be contained in a Relapse prevention card which you keep with you at all times. This narrative will focus upon what might be included in a Personal Relapse Prevention Plan (PRPP): Your identified professional support network - contact email and phone numbersPersonal/private support network - contact detailsIdentified and known list of Tri...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Don't approach your one year (from last 'Acting out) sobriety, as an end to the work. Don't do 'out of sight out of mind'; 'I never want to see that Recovery Programme material again'. Don't do it like that - at the end. 'I can stop reciting my 'Pillars' now. I can stop....I can stop.... I can stop....yipppppeeeeee' Well - Yes and No - you can stop certain things; but not others. It is important to kee...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre You need to applaud yourself on a job well done - to have got this far - at least one year from last Acting out. Now work towards achieving contentment. Life is a balancing act. On the one hand, you need to keep old habits at bay. Yet, on the other hand, you need to build new meaningful activities, to make life a pleasure. Yes, a pleasure! You can't jeopardise quality of life because you are watching f...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Relapse Prevention tools are for life. Why? Because the neural Pathway that was opened, created and practised for many years, is dominant, but has the potential to be reactivated in an instant. It is easier to reactivate it and it becoming larger than life, for those with a past addiction, than for those without a past addiction. The way that I view it is like this: For those who never had a sex addict...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When all your Recovery Programme tools, skills and resources are not coming to your aid - have failed you - just R.U.N. There are times when all else fails and R.U.N really is the last option available to you in that moment. Don't debate with yourself; don't rationalise it; don't question it; don't procrastinate - as to whether you truly are about to 'Act out'. Just pick up your car and house key...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre 'Brain, I'm telling you - you don't fight fair. Underhand. Dirty. I'm trying to do this for us. Are you listening to me?' I do a strange thing with everyone of my Sex Addiction clients. Multi-talented as I am, I do brain surgery on each one. (Mine is a bit crude and I don't use anaesthesia!) I cut off the top of the skull of each of my clients. I lift their brain out of their skull and put it on ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Undistort your Cognitive Distortions. How? What are Cognitive Distortions? Examples might be: 'All guys do it', 'At least I am no longer visiting porn sites', 'I'll only be on here for 5 minutes, no longer', 'What I do, is not as bad as...', 'What an horrendous day. I deserve....', 'I can't help it' It is reasonable for you to have a conversation with your brain, like this: "Brain, you are suppos...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Negative Core Beliefs are often hidden from view. Often disguised; but masquerade as truths. They live in the unconscious. Not easily touchable. They work away in the hidden place doing their worst. They are uninvited guests. They have over stayed their invitation; live rent free and are doing damage, which adversely impacts quality of living life. They need to be gone after and expelled. Since you ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Create new thinking to change the behaviour. How? A step at a time, to re-wire the brain. Create new Neural Pathways progressively over time. What is this thing called Neural Pathways? The hamster wheel patterns of behaviours. Those habits. The programming so that when you "feel", you "think", then you "do". At least, that's how it started out in the early days. Then repetition, took out the need to...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery Verse I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.&...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers are a clue to our dissociated Traumas - So says Carolyn Spring in Part 2 of her article on Managing Triggers: https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/we-have-two-choices-when-triggered/ The past events that we want to avoid thinking about or confronting, may be the very things that we need to go after and change. That sounds like hard work and painful - to me. Yet - it may be worth it people! Tr...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers don't play fair. They are often unpredictable (like a music track which comes on) and moves you from chilled to a fight to maintain sobriety. So underhand. Not a nice play partner. Carolyn Spring talks about the aftermaths of Triggers, from the sense of Shame, Self-blame, failure, powerlessness, critical self-talk, being out of control. What is this 'Shame of being Triggers?' Anyone identif...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The cave man/cave woman response of Fight/Flight/Freeze, is alive and well. Don't beat your brain up too badly. It is just doing what it was designed to do to protect you. The options it chooses or gravitates to, are at times, rather dubious and for Sex Addicts. The relief only lasts 5 minutes, but a much longer regret and repercussion timeframe. The brain needs re-training. Stress, tension, anxiety...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let me not re-invent the wheel in this episode. There are some really clever people who say it better than me (even if rather brain hurtingly academical)! Read this Article: The impact of the digital revolution on human brain and behavior: where do we stand? Link: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.31887/DCNS.2020.22.2/mkorte ".....This overview will outline the current results of neuroscienc...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre There is a correlation between Sex Addiction and ADHD. When faced with 'danger' on a daily basis (even whilst in the womb!), healthy brain development is derailed and impeded. The area in the brain called the Amygdala (the smoke alarm for danger), increase in volume and becomes over activated. The Pre-Cortex and Hippocampus becomes compromised. The protective behaviours become 'hard wired'. Lifestyle...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre I like this article by Luke Gilkerson (as long ago as 2012), when he interviewed a Neuroscientist called Dr William Struthers - author of the book "How pornograpghy Hijacks the male brain" Dr Struthers explains what hormones and neurotransmitters are involved in porn addiction. Hope you find this intriguing and interesting: Testosterone: Testosterone drives a man’s interest in sex. Fantasizing or vie...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Remember, you cannot change what you cannot see and don't understand. Even when you can better see the problem and understand it, does not mean that you can change it - quickly. Insecure Attachment behaviours is one such pattern, which needs to be understood - to experience your "eureka moment" - the light bulb moment. Parents (or the main caregivers) are lighthouses. Babies, toddlers and children ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Love Addiction is often a response to Insecure Attachment. It looks like it is about sex and chasing sexual outlets, but it isn't really about sex - as the core desire. It is an attempt to gain a sense of 'being wanted', 'being a part of...','accepted', 'owned', 'wanted', 'secure', 'held', 'needed', 'wanted', 'safe', 'protected', 'belonging', The class clown will play up to that carved out role,...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The Insecure 'ATTACHMENT' label does not describe accurately, what is really in the can with this label on it! It is exactly the opposite. It typically is set up in the early childhood development years. Often, they are experiences which you can't readily or easily access; but your brain remembers them well and put an identification label/marker on each of them, as and when they occurred. You cannot ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre There are three ways in which we try to get our Core Emotional Needs met. Meeting Core emotional needs is not negotiable. They want to be met and kept filled up at high levels. The reality, however, is that life takes a toll upon us and Core Emotional Needs deplete over time. What are some of those Core Emotional Needs: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others. When...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Narcissism and Empathy (like same poles of a magnet) cannot co-exist together in the same space. They repel each other. Likewise, they cannot co-exist in the same person at equally high levels. Either they will have a high level of Narcissistic traits and a low level of Empathy or vice versa. Work on Empathy and you will see Narcissistic traits recede over time. Remember, there can be no quick fixes ...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Don't go looking up the term on Google and it spewing out a whole heap of stuff that blinds you and gets your back up! I am not suggesting Sex/Porn/Love Addicts are a Narcissists - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - is one of the most difficult mental Health diagnosis to treat. It requires a particularly skilled diagnosis. What I am saying is that they will have, and be manifesting 'traits' wh...

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION. Too simplistic? Maybe, but it is a good place to start, if you want to better understand the reason for the activities - as an outlet for Shame & Narcissism. Try hard to come out from under the umbrella of covering that Shame provides - but is unseen. It covers the Addict and a partner. It keeps them hidden and in hiding. yet, the antidote to shame is to come o...