Desi Dramas

What so many couples get wrong is that they look for the problem in their partner. In actuality, their conflicts usually play out as a pattern. A dance. And it repeats no matter what the fight is about on the surface.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist based out of California. One of the first things I do with any couple is map out their dance. In this episode you watch me do it with a couple I call Akash and Sheetal, whose fight looked like it was about a missed soccer game and was really about two childhood wounds. Sheetal was scared of being alone. Akash's was that he was failing. When Sheetal criticizes, Akash goes quiet, and each move lands on the other's tender spot. This is the one that may move you from looking for the issue in your partner to looking at the pattern WITH your partner.

00:00 Why every fight sounds like the same fight

00:16 Akash and Sheetal's story

01:17 She criticizes, he withdraws: the pattern on the surface

01:28 Going below deck — what the fight is actually about

01:41 Sheetal's vulnerability: "I always felt alone" as a child

03:05 Akash's vulnerability: "I feel like I'm failing"

03:28 Where Akash learned to go quiet — his parents' marriage

04:37 The dance mapped out: criticize, withdraw, repeat

05:07 Neither partner is the problem — the pattern is

05:54 Name your dance so you can catch it: "we're doing the ghidda again"

07:26 What to do this week with your partner, and what's coming next

The dance and vulnerability-cycle framework draws on Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson) and the work of Mona DeKoven Fishbane and Michele Scheinkman.

Next week is part two: once you and your partner have named your dance, what are the first moves that get you out of it?

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

What if you can communicate like you are building a plate of chaat? Papdi, chickpeas, dahi, chutneys, sev. Observation, thoughts, feelings, needs, request. These are 5 key ingredients that help you be vulnerable. It's how you can say what's true for you but not unkind to the other. The couples I see say the same thing again and again: when they stick to this, it works. So I'm serving it up through some in-law drama. Your husband agrees to Saturday at his parents' house without asking you first.If it tastes a little foreign, it should because you are trying a new way of communicating.

Chapters:

0:00 Why food is how you get a Desi to listen

1:00 What couples say about this communication framework

1:35 Who I am

1:55 Part 1: The papdi — the observation

3:12 Part 2: The chickpeas — the story I'm telling myself

4:19 Part 3: The dahi — the feeling

4:44 Part 4: The chutneys — the need

5:12 Part 5: The sev — the request

5:51 The whole plate, start to finish

Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.com

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

#DesiDramas #NonviolentCommunication #SouthAsianMentalHealth #DesiCouples #DesiTherapist #InLaws #CommunicationSkills #BrownGirlTherapy

What do you want from therapy? Better communication. But what Desis ask for is usually not where we begin. To communicate better, we actually need to be better listeners.In this video, I break down three blockers to communication: reassurance, problem-solving, and derailing. These are pervasive, so much so, that I share what happened when I called my own mom from the ER after my six-month-old was admitted. Once you learn these blockers to listening well, you'll learn one phrase to communicate better. It's something you can start using this week to say hard things without them landing as an attack.Chapters:0:00 Why "communicate better" advice fails1:00 Who I am1:24 Blocker #1: Reassurance ("Sab teek ho jayega")1:49 Desi mom gives reassurance when something else was needed3:49 Blocker #2: Problem-solving too soon5:41 Blocker #3: Derailing7:46 The replacement: "The story I'm telling myself is…"8:19 Takeaways: what to ask insteadNext Tuesday: the full communication framework I use with Desis in my practice.To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:Have a story you want unpacked anonymously in a future episode? Send it to me at https://desi-dramas.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-DramasSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcastTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramasPsychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

Every couple that goes to therapy makes the same mistake. They describe the fight. Who said what, when, where, why, how. But that is not what I am listening for.

I'm listening for what is beneath sea level. I help couples go beneath the deck to see what's deeper. This is how they avoid crashing into the iceberg and do conflict better. In this episode I give you the three tools I hand almost every couple I see in our first sessions, plus one sentence that works as a lifeboat when you have already crashed.

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. Going below the deck to that emotional level was probably not modeled in most Desi families, so I model it here, using a couple I call Nikki and Jay and a fight about unpaid bills that was never really about the bills.

00:00 Teaser — the one mistake every couple in therapy makes

00:18 Your conflict is the iceberg: how couples therapy actually works

02:13 Communication tool 1 — speak about your emotions, not from your emotions

03:00 Nikki and Jay: the fight about the unpaid bills

04:03 Communication tool 2 — "I" statements that are true but not unkind

05:30 Communication tool 3 — go below the deck, into the vulnerability

06:35 Why it was never about the bills: Nikki as the eldest daughter

07:29 The one sentence to say mid-fight — "I can see that you're hurting"

08:21 What Desi parents' marriages never modeled — "Growing up, did you see that?"

09:06 Takeaways — three tools and one lifeboat

The quotes from tools one and two come from my mentor, licensed clinical social worker Liz Brenner, who was on the podcast last week talking about in-law drama. Go listen to that one next.

Next week: after you say "I see you're hurting," what do you actually do? I give you a framework for navigating any difficult conversation, with a partner, a parent, a friend, or a colleague.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena:

Website: https://desi-dramas.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGSApple

Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

New episodes every Tuesday.

This isn't therapy, but I trust it has been therapeutic. Share this with your co-captain.

A new day and a new drama between your mom and your wife. Desi husbands feel like the rope with their mom on one side and their wife on the other--both pulling you to side with them. You may have been stuck in this tension for some time and feel exhausted. Desi clinical psychologist, Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova sees this in her practice all the time. So she brought in her mentor, licensed clinical social worker, Liz Brenner, to do a role play where Dr. Heena acted like the stuck husband.

In this episode, you're going to learn why this tension is so common, what to say to your wife, what to say to your mom, and what to ask yourself. It is complicated and it can be so painful. But it doesn't have to keep playing out the way it has been.

00:00 Teaser

02:40 Meet Liz Brenner + why this comes up in almost every family I work with

03:52 The role play begins: husband caught between mom and wife

09:47 The guilt underneath — "being a bad beta"

15:54 Liz makes Heena break character: "Have you thought about making dinner yourself?"

19:46 Naming the real boundary issue

23:53 The patriarchy that he's swimming in and can't see

28:11 "It's that both people don't feel seen"

33:18 The loyalty bind

36:20 The shuttlecock — and the door to change

44:01 What does he actually want?

47:26 Stuck in the triangle

49:20 Liz's one message for everyone caught in this

To find the podcast, resources, and more check out:

🌐 Website: https://desi-dramas.com

📺 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas

🎧 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS

🎧 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794

📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast

🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas

🤝🏽 Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462

To get trained in couple and family therapy check out: https://therapytrainingboston.com/.

And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode.

This isn't therapy and I trust it has been therapeutic. Share this with someone who needs it!

What is therapy with first-generation Desis really about? Quieting the noise to figure out what you actually want, even if that means being a bad egg.

Therapist Paulomi Dave-Potter, founder of Meeting You Therapy, joins Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova to talk about the noise that first-generation and immigrant Desis carry: marriage pressure, achievement pressure, comparison, and the expectation that love has to be earned.

You'll hear how loneliness feels universal to anyone who's left home (and what "mud season" has to do with it), how to use your senses to come back into the present moment, and why so many Desis feel they can only partner with someone their family approves of. Paulomi and Dr. Heena also get into how visa status, achievement, and survival get tangled together for first-generation professionals, and why the debt you feel toward your parents can never really be repaid, no matter how hard you try.

0:00 Introduction

0:21 Welcome and Meeting Paulomi

1:56 Paulomi's Identity and Background

4:58 Loneliness, Leaving Home, and Mud Season

7:42 Naming Emotions and Creating Space

8:59 Grounding Through the Senses

12:14 The Noise Metaphor

13:43 Marriage Pressure and Choosing a Partner

17:54 Visa Pressure and the Cost of Achievement

22:53 Conditional Love and Immigrant Bargaining

30:16 Comparison, Social Media, and Alignment

38:00 Final Takeaways

39:00 Where to Find Paulomi

Paulomi Dave-Potter is a licensed therapist and the founder of Meeting You Therapy, working with first-generation Americans and foreign-born immigrants in the Boston-Cambridge area. You can reach her at meetingyoutherapy.com.

New episodes every Tuesday. If this one resonates, this is a good episode to send to a friend who's been struggling to quiet the noise in their life.

The number one fight new parents have isn't about money or in-laws. It's who does what and whether it feels fair.

Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova shares the five exercises she walks every pregnant couple through in her practice: mapping how your identity is about to shift, dividing the load as two full owners instead of one manager and one helper, designing a fourth trimester that feels supportive instead of controlling, building tiny new rituals that protect your relationship once the baby arrives, and creating a shared vision for the family you're actually building together.

Nearly two thirds of couples report a real dip in marital satisfaction in the first two years after having a baby. This episode is for the couples who want to be in the other third.

0:00 Intro: What No One Preps You for

3:52 Why Relationship Satisfaction Dips After Baby

5:58 Exercise 1: The Identity Pie

8:41 Exercise 2: Divide the Load as Two Owners

16:04 Exercise 3: Design Your Fourth Trimester

23:22 Exercise 4: Create New Rituals

30:11 Exercise 5: Build Your Shared Meaning

36:35 Takeaways and Recap

Templates for every exercise, plus the questions Dr. Heena and her own partner used to prepare their marriage, are at desi-dramas.com.

New episodes every Tuesday. If you're expecting or know someone who is, this is the episode to send them, alongside all the other support you are providing because we need all the help we can get during this transition.

Part 2 of the six core emotional needs every child has — this time, self-expression, safety, and self-worth.

Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova walks through why so many Desis learned that wanting things out loud was shameful, why "there's no reason to worry" quietly teaches kids their feelings are wrong, and why achievement-based self-worth becomes an engine that never stops running — even into marriage and parenthood.

You'll leave with exact phrases and actions for each need, drawn from real patterns Dr. Heena sees in her practice with Desi individuals, couples, and families.

Missed Part 1? Go back and listen to connection, autonomy, and realistic limits before this one.

The full guide for both episodes is at desi-dramas.com.

New episodes every Tuesday.

Many of us grew up in Desi households where love felt tied to performance — the grades, the "good" career, what the neighbors would say. In Part 1 of this two-part episode, therapist Heena introduces CARESS, her framework for the six core emotional needs every child has, and what happens when they go unmet — not just in childhood, but in the anxious, stuck, people-pleasing adults who later find her therapy room.

Through the stories of three clients — Anjali, Amit, and Pooja — we explore the first three needs, how they quietly go missing in South Asian families, and the words and actions you can use to meet them.

This half covers Connection, Autonomy, and Realistic Limits — with real scripts you can use with your kids, your partner, and yourself.

Chapters:00:00 – Teaser00:35 – The things you wish your parents had done differently01:36 – The CARESS framework (and how it got its name)05:21 – C is for Connection — Anjali's story11:19 – A is for Autonomy — Amit's story19:05 – R is for Realistic Limits — Pooja's story28:07 – Recap + what's coming in Part 2

Free episode guide — every need, phrase, and action: desi-dramas.com

Your turn: which was hardest to come by in your home growing up? Comment a C, A, or R — the letters that come up most shape what I make next.

Part 2 covers the second half of core emotional needs I see missing most in our community. New episodes every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss it.

Desi Dramas is for education and reflection, not a substitute for therapy. If you're struggling, please reach out to a licensed professional or your local crisis line.

"You can honor your family's sacrifices without sacrificing yourself."

Many parent–child struggles in South Asian and immigrant families aren't about a lack of love — they're about not knowing how to stay connected while being true to yourself. In this episode, Heena talks with licensed counselor Surbhi Vyas (Healing Lotus Mental Health) about the tensions she sees every day: values clashes, money across generations, and the push and pull of autonomy between teens, young adults, and their parents.

Surbhi shares the metaphors she uses in session — the kite (providing autonomy without losing connection), the bridge (building trust brick by brick), and the oxygen mask (taking care of self before parent)— plus a better way to talk about "sacrifice," the open-ended questions that get kids to open up, and why doing your own healing may be the best thing you do for your child.

Whether you're a parent trying to understand your kid or an adult still making sense of how you were raised, this conversation offers practical, compassionate tools.

Chapters:00:00 Teaser00:57 Meet Surbhi Vyas02:34 "You're in the driver's seat; I'm the defog button"03:32 Where parents & teens clash on values05:15 Money across generations16:13 The kite: autonomy without losing connection19:28 "Frozen in time"21:25 What narrative therapy actually is23:57 When autonomy feels like rejection27:01 Control, grief & letting go36:07 Why parents should try therapy too37:35 Questions that open kids up42:23 Helping teens make their own decisions46:16 Bricks, bridges & the oxygen mask48:43 A better way to talk about "sacrifice"55:30 Why vulnerability feels risky1:00:08 Final takeaways1:05:12 How to reach Surbhi

Guest — Surbhi Vyas, LPC, founder of Healing Lotus Mental Health (NJ & PA), specializing in South Asian and immigrant mental health.
Website: healinglotusmentalhealth.com

Email: surbhi@healinglotusmentalhealth.com

Instagram: @healing_lotus_mental_health

Follow Desi Dramas for new episodes. More at desi-dramas.com.

You're raising your kids to blend Desi and American values — and you want the grandparents in their lives. But when you pick your kids up and find them on their second movie of the day, it can feel like you have to choose between being a respectful daughter and being the parent you want to be.

You don't. 💛

This week, Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova teaches one simple skill — replacing "but" with "and" — that lets you honor a grandparent's love and hold your limit, without anyone feeling rejected. She walks through how it sounds across three situations that come up constantly: permissiveness, gender-role expectations, and cultural clashes (think touching elders' feet). Then she unpacks the deeper reason these moments hit so hard — and a family-recipe metaphor you won't forget.

The goal is never to win. It's to stay connected while staying true to the parent you're choosing to be.

00:00 The impossible choice every Desi parent feels they have to make

01:30 Why "good daughter" vs. "good parent" is a false choice

03:00 The skill: but → and (dialectics)

04:30 Example 1: Permissiveness

06:30 Example 2: Gender roles

08:30 Example 3: Cultural clashes (feeding, touching feet)

11:00 Where this shows up in corporate

12:00 The 5 skills that make it work

16:00 Why Desi parents are so hypervigilant around the grandparents

17:30 The family-recipe metaphor

🎧 New episodes every Tuesday. If you want to share your story, head to desi-dramas.com. Dr. Heena may unpack yours anonymously, in a future episode.

This isn't therapy AND we trust it has been therapeutic.

"You should just know what I want. I shouldn't have to ask."

If you've ever said that to your partner, this one's for you. Underneath that sentence is a more painful one: "If I have to ask, it means you don't love me." In this episode, I unpack why that expectation quietly sabotages closeness, why it's especially trained into so many of us as Desis, and what to do instead.

You'll learn the User Manual exercise — seven questions you and your partner answer about how you each actually work, so you can stop guessing and start feeling known. It even doubles as a date night activity.

Inside this episode:

By the end, you get to decide: keep waiting to be read like a mind, or finally give your partner a fair shot at loving you the way you've longed for.

CHAPTERS00:00 – "You should just know what I want"00:48 – What's really going on under the hood01:11 – Meet Priya01:36 – Why "you should just know" backfires02:37 – Why this is trained into us as Desis04:39 – The User Manual exercise05:46 – #1 How do I work best?06:22 – #2 My settings & preferences06:39 – #3 Warning lights07:27 – #4 Troubleshooting08:12 – #5 Do not press08:41 – #6 How to reset09:07 – #7 Maintenance09:37 – How to actually use your manual10:19 – "But isn't a manual unromantic?"

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a licensed clinical psychologist who provides couples therapy. This isn't therapy — but I trust it'll be therapeutic.

Follow the show, leave a review, and reach me at desi-dramas.com.

I'm a couples therapist — and I still have to talk myself out of starting a fight with my husband.

In this episode, I prep out loud for a hard conversation I want to have with him: I capture every sweet moment he shares with our baby girl, but he doesn't do the same for me — and I'm scared of losing these fleeting memories. Instead of leading with frustration, I walk through the exact therapy skills I'm planning to use to keep us on the same team.

You'll hear how I:

Whether you go into conflict ready for battle or avoid it altogether, you'll walk away with a practical way to be heard and stay close.

CHAPTERS00:00 – The fight I want to have (and why I shouldn't)00:39 – From battle mode to teammates01:19 – The real issue: capturing memories with our daughter03:00 – Planning the conversation03:17 – Step 1: What kind of wife do I want to be?03:51 – Step 2: The story I'm telling myself04:30 – The mountain metaphor05:13 – Step 3: The gentle startup & leading with appreciation06:32 – Step 4: Speaking his love language07:12 – Putting it all together08:32 – Final thoughts

I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a licensed clinical psychologist who provides couples therapy. This isn't therapy — but I trust it'll be therapeutic.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone you love, and leave a review — it genuinely helps. New episodes every Tuesday. Take good care.

Why You Turn Into Your 15-Year-Old Self in Your Parents' Kitchen (and How to Stop)

You give yourself the pep talk on the drive over. You're going to stay calm this time. Then your mom mentions that Sunita Auntie's daughter just got engaged to a cardiologist, and within an hour you've stomped off to your childhood bedroom and slammed the door — exactly like you did at 15.

If you love your Desi parents but can't seem to be in a room with them without getting pulled into the same old fight, this one's for you.

In this episode of Desi Dramas, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova explains why your nervous system reaches for a teenage playbook the moment those familiar comments land — and gives you two tools to break the cycle: one question to set your intention before you walk through the door, and the DBT-based STOP skill to use in real time when your intention slips (because it will).

You're not actually 15 anymore. Your body just remembers how to be 15 in your mom's kitchen. Here's how to teach it a new way.

🎧 New episodes every Tuesday.💬 Got your own drama? Share it anonymously at desi-dramas.com.

Your Desi parent loves you. You love them. So why does every phone call leave you feeling more distant?

This episode gives Desi parents 5 moves to make with their adult children. These are the things your child has likely struggled to say out loud, and the very things they need to hear to feel close to you.

If you are the adult child listening, this episode will help you feel seen and give you language to ask for what you actually need.

Built from Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova's years of therapy with Desis. Therapy skills, packaged for Desi families.

00:52 A message for Desi parents02:55 Amrit and Jaspreet Example05:43 Izzat Respect and Autonomy07:48 Awareness of Your Needs09:29 Acknowledge Two Worlds11:41 Unconditional Positive Regard13:45 Right Kind of Support16:07 Recap and Practice This Week

To get the guide that goes with this episode, head to Desi-dramas.com. You’ll get the exact questions and phrases to put the tools into practice.

You and your partner love each other. So why does every conversation about money, in-laws, or whose family for the holidays end with someone walking away?

In this episode, Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova breaks down the 4 conversation patterns that predict divorce with 90% accuracy, and the 3 tools to change them. These come from decades of couples research, including the work of Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson, translated into something that actually works for Desi and bicultural couples.

You'll learn:

00:44 Outline of Tools

03:00 Simran And Raj Example

04:57 Predictors of Divorce (The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

07:44 Tool 1: What’s My Goal?

09:13 Soft Startup For Loaded Topics

10:02 When Horsemen Show Up

11:01 Tool 2: What am I really fighting for?

13:31 If you get overwhelmed during the conversation

14:39 Tool 3: Appreciate Your Partner

15:32 Emotional/Relational Bank Account

16:47 Get the Guide on desi-dramas.com

17:51 Practice for This Week

Built from Dr. Heena's years of clinical work with Desi couples. Therapy skills, packaged for Desi families.

Most boundary advice was built for individualistic cultures. It doesn't work the same way in Desi families.

In this episode, Dr. Heena breaks down five common myths about boundaries in the Desi community, defines what a boundary actually is (most people get this part wrong), and gives you a three-tier toolkit for setting boundaries in ways that actually work with your mother, your in-laws, your partner, and your aunties. She also names the single biggest mistake people make after setting a boundary, the one that almost guarantees it won't hold.

You'll learn:

Chapters

02:02 Five Boundary Myths

04:51 What Boundaries Actually Are

06:03 Boundary Toolkit

09:43 Scripts And Examples

11:12 Managing the Desi Guilt

12:09 Biggest Mistake After Setting a Boundary

12:54 How Your Boundary Will Get Tested15:09 Takeaways

Therapy skills, packaged for Desi families.

Want the full guide for this episode? Head to desi-dramas.com.

Desi Dramas is a podcast for Desis navigating the family, relationship, and identity questions that don't have easy answers. Hosted by Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist who has spent years working with Desi individuals, couples, and families, the show brings the questions Desis ask in therapy directly to you.

Each episode is a window into how a therapist actually thinks. Dr. Heena shares the questions she asks, the patterns she names, and the evidence-based tools she adapts for Desis. Here you will learn how to set boundaries with immigrant parents, break intergenerational guilt, and navigate cultural expectations around marriage. By seeing yourself in these stories and learning practical tools, we hope to empower you to find a new rhythm within the cultures you value.

Desi Dramas brings clinical perspectives tailored to Desi lives, written and hosted by someone who lives them, too.

This isn't therapy. But we trust it will be therapeutic.