Making Polyamory Work

Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory.

Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/

Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy

Poly.Land - Sneakiarchy: https://poly.land/2018/11/01/sneakiarchy-secret-hierarchy-dishonest-egalitarianism/

Joreth Retracts Descriptive vs Prescriptive Hierarchy: https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/408917.html

Podcast episodes referenced in the episode: Veto Happens: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/veto-happens

Where is this Going?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going

Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well.

There’s Nothing to Fear: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/theres-nothing-to-fear
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/9-relationships-of-a-modern-marriage
Where is this going? https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going
This may be a bitter pill https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/this-may-be-a-bitter-pill

This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself.

The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion:

https://self-compassion.org/

Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation.

Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/

The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief.

Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/

The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist.

SHOW LINKS:

Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/

Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token

Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/

In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse

Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully.

Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help.

Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.

Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary.

Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/

Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.)

Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/

Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently.

A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do.

Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple.

Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.

Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.

We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that.

Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597

Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/

Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z

Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships.

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086

Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11

In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not.

Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier!

Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about.

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one is not to be missed!

Amatonormativity: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity 

Relationship Smorgasbord: https://www.instagram.com/p/CS9n8mqL4ys/?hl=en 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off):  

Find Chaneè on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chaneespeaks/ 

The Intentional Polyamory Cohort: https://intentionalpolyamory.netlify.app/ 

Schedule time with Chaneè: https://calendly.com/ChaneeSpeaks

In part 2 of Libby's conversation with Akilah Riley-Richardson, Akilah shares her PRIDE model for supporting couples who are working to create safety and resilience in their relationships.

Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/ 

Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/

Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227 

Eduardo Duran: Healing the Soul Wound: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1200619

Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/

In this episode, Libby talks with couples therapist and trauma specialist Akilah Riley-Richardson about relational privilege and how essential it is to create safety in order to find intimacy. (Part 1 of 2)

Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/ 

Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/ 

Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227 

Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/

In Part 2 of this episode, Libby shares her journey to getting clear on her values, figuring out how to act within her integrity and how that led her to find her way to true belonging.

Braving the WIlderness by Brene Brown

Southwest Love Fest (Use code "GOSLOW" for a 10% discount)

Libby introduces a new season of Making Polyamory Work with a very personal reflection on belonging, fitting in, values and integrity.

Libby and Catherine of Expansive Connection answer a listener question about coming out to older kids.

https://www.expansiveconnection.com/

https://www.expansiveconnection.com/enm

https://www.instagram.com/expansive.connection.coaching/

Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.

LIbby talks about how important it is to talk about fears with our partners. How we respond when our partner shares a fear with us can make a tremendous difference in how we tend to them and ourselves.

Libby describes the phenomenon known as New Information Shock and how to handle it when you encounter it in your relationships.

If you want to make a good repair, there's one step that Libby wishes people prioritized more.

Mia Mingus - The Four Parts of Accountability & How To Give A Genuine Apology: https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/ 

Repair Episode: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/slow-down-to-break-up?rq=repair 

Are You Checking Out or Checking In?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/are-you-checking-in-or-checking-out?rq=checking 

Taming Your Whoosh: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/taming-your-whoosh 

Dan Siegel Integrated Brain: https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2019/1/9/the-simple-20-minute-exercise-that-rewires-your-brain-for-happiness-with-dr-dan-siegel

One tool that might help you with rocking-the-boat type conversations.

Libby talks about why she likes agreements, what purpose they serve in relationships, and some things to watch out for when making them with your partners.

Why Predicting Future feelings is So Difficult: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200825-why-predicting-our-future-feelings-is-so-difficult

Libby speaks about the Relationship Escalator, and talks about some ways she has found to step off it.

Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: https://offescalator.com/ 

Solo Poly: https://solopoly.net/

Libby is joined by Multiamory's Dedeker Winston to answer a listener who asks two questions: How do I know if I'm polyamorous? And, how should I go about dating if I'm not sure?

Dedeker Winston: https://www.dedekerwinston.com/ 

Multiamory: https://www.multiamory.com/ 

Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook: https://bookshop.org/books/the-jealousy-workbook-exercises-and-insights-for-managing-open-relationships/9780937609637

Libby names the 10th relationship of a modern marriage: Food.

Libby talks about the costs of operating your time, energy, and attention at full capacity by default, and why it's worth considering intentionally having more downtime to recharge and also so that you have some room to push if there's a need or crisis.

Happiness is Other People: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/27/opinion/sunday/happiness-is-other-people.html 

One Secret to Happiness: Relationships: https://www.thestatesman.com/lifestyle/75-year-harvard-study-1-scientific-secret-happiness-1503068121.html 

Why Your Brain Needs More Downtime: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/ 

Fuck your Dig Deep Button: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CcibA5bFq0D/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Did you know that marriage as conventionally practiced in the 21st century (in a lot of the world at least) is actually like... 9 different relationships. In this episode, Libby explains those 9 relationships, and how what marriage is trying to do is pack a whole village into one other person. She asks the question, what could we do instead that might work better?

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SHOW LINKS

Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/291184/marriage-a-history-by-stephanie-coontz/

The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc

How empowered are you in your relationships? Have you stopped to notice where you might be disempowered... or too empowered? In this episode, Libby talks about power dynamics and how important it is to name them if you want to have relationally-empowered partnerships.

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Libby is presenting at Southwest Lovefest Virtual Con April 24th! https://www.swlovefest.com/virtualcon22

Want help creating empowered relationships? Check out the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle. Next cohort starts April 25. https://libbysinback.com/rnmc/

Do you know what drop is? In this episode, Libby explains drop, what it is, why it's rough, and what you can do to make it a little easier to deal with.

The relationship veto is a controversial topic in polyamory circles. Libby talks about what vetoes are, how they can happen without being called a veto, and how they aren't always a bad thing.

"Intent doesn't matter." That statement has cropped up in multiple conversations online and in person over the years. In this epsiode, Libby shares why that simply isn't true, at least not when it comes to a valued relationship.

In this episode, Libby speaks to parents of adult polyamorous children who may be having a hard time with the idea.

SHOW LINKS: 

It's Called Polyamory: https://thorntreepress.com/its-called-polyamory/

When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: https://thorntreepress.com/when-someone-you-love-is-polyamorous/

The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory: https://adapowers.medium.com/the-coffee-break-polyamory-primer-6c64b4dc53de

This Heart Holds Many, My Life as the Nonbinary Millennial Child of a Polyamorous Family: https://thorntreepress.com/thisheartholdsmany/

The Polyamorists Next Door on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door

One of the most important things in relationship is to act with intention rather than reactivity, but if we're so busy and distracted all the time, it's really hard to slow down enough to do anything but react when we're upset. Libby invites you to ask yourself this question, "Are you checking out or checking in?" 

Show Links: 

Your Smartphone is Making you Stupid: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/08/a-sitting-phone-gathers-brain-dross/535476/ 

Proactive vs. Reactive: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/307309 

Smartphone addiction: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2018/dopamine-smartphones-battle-time/

Tara Brach and RAIN: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

In this epsiode, Libby gives you her best tips for having awesome sexytimes with groups of 3 or more.

CN: NSFW. Mature content, including explicit mentions of sexual behaviors in this episode. So um, you may want your headphones in.

Libby talks about the effect withdrawal patterns can have on our nervous systems, and how to navigate that if it is showing up in your relationship.

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

"How could she ask for that?" is a phrase I have heard before. It's a phrase I've even said. But I firmly believe, it's okay to ask for whatever you want. The problem lies in whether or not your partner feels like they can say no. 

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Sometimes in our relationships we reach a point where something needs to change or it just won't work for us. But is that even possible? Or do you have to break up? Libby goes over two losing strategies that a lot of people try when they want something different from their partner than what they're getting, and offers what she believes is a better way to get what you want.

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

By listener request, Libby talks about the one p*nis policy and why it's not a great idea (and the one time it's okay.) 

CN: language. Libby uses several words for the male genitalia on this episode.

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RECOMMENDED READING For the Love of Men by Liz Plank 

The Will to Change by bell hooks 

I Don't Wanna Talk About It by Terrence Real 

Playing Fair by Pepper Mint

Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

In her recent workshop Break Up Better, Libby answers a question from a participant: "How can I get the other person to own their part to help with closure [after a breakup]?"

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The Break Up Better Workshop is still available! You can purchase the recording here: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/

Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Libby has special guest Terry Real join her on the show to talk about how patriarchy does its work on our relationships, even for those of us who choose to do things differently.

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Terry Real's website: https://terryreal.com

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for Breaking Up Better: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/

Libby blows up the idea that there is any difference between rules and agreements and offers some alternative ways to communicate and negotiate needs in polyamorous relationships.

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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/

Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Libby shares her best tips for coming out as polyamorous, mostly hard won through her own coming out mishaps.

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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/

Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

In this episode, Libby outlines 3 different scenarios in which it's unclear who is the giver and who is the receiver, and how to use a magical tool called the Wheel of Consent to help answer this question. 

Betty Martin's website: https://bettymartin.org/ 

The Wheel of Consent: https://bettymartin.org/videos/ 

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.

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Kathy Labriola on Polyam Holidays: https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-holiday-tips

Elisabeth Sheff on not coming out during the holidays: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201612/poly-the-holidays

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The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc

Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

On this episode, Libby is joined by Mel Cassidy of Radical Relationship Coaching to discuss a question from a listener about how to navigate polyamory when a partner is struggling with their mental health.

Visit Mel on the web: http://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/

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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com

Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc/

In this episode, Libby talks about how to respond when someone you love gives you feedback from a hurtful, attacking or otherwise unhelpful place.

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Find Libby on the web at https://libbysinback.com

Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle at http://relationalnonmonogamy.com

Sign up for a free coaching session at https://libbysinback.com/apply

In this episode, Libby discusses the 6 phases of relationships, and the one that she thinks is the most important, and most often overlooked.

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Find Libby on the web at https://libbysinback.com

Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle at http://relationalnonmonogamy.com

Sign up for a free coaching session at https://libbysinback.com/apply

Libby invites her best friend Mara on the podcast to answer a listener who recently discovered they were queer. Libby and Mara what it was like for them to realize you're queer later in life.

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MORE READING FOR YOU:

Bisexual vs. Pansexual: https://www.minus18.org.au/articles/what's-the-difference-between-bisexual-and-pansexual

Does Being Polyamorous Mean that You're Queer Belong: https://medium.com/polyamory-today/polyamory-and-the-lgbt-community-3a8a52debbc3

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: http://relationalnonmonogamy.com

Learn more about coaching at http://talktolibby.com

This episode welcomes a special guest, Mary Thuell, to answer a listener question about being asked to put her relationship on pause so her partner can work things out in their nested relationship. Mary and Libby share their thoughts and experiences with this situation.

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SHOW LINKS

She's a Polyamorous Sunday School Teacher: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/shes-a-polyamorous-sunday-school-teacher-one-of-those-things-bothered-her-date/2019/04/08/394a1096-4a64-11e9-b79a-961983b7e0cd_story.html

Emily Dickenson's Letter to Mary Bowles: http://archive.emilydickinson.org/correspondence/mbowles/l262.html

Libby shares one way she likes to handle jealousy - say thank you to it?

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OTHER GREAT RESOURCES ON JEALOUSY

The Jealousy Workbook: Insights and Techniques for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola

The Jealousy Survival Guide by Kitty Chambliss

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Libby invites Shannon Perez-Darby to answer a listener question about what to do when you're in a relationship with someone who is in what appears to be an abusive relationship. CN: abuse, domestic violence

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SHOW NOTES

National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ (or call 1-800-799-SAFE)

Shannon Perez-Darby: https://www.shannonperezdarby.com/

Resources for Accountability and Transformative Justice and Supporting Safer Communities: https://transformharm.org/

Friendship as Social Justice Activism: https://press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/distributed/F/bo26275235.html

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby introduces an unusually effective tool for combatting overconfidence without ruining the fun when you're in the throes of new relationship energy.

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SHOW LINKS

Freakonomics Episode on Failure: https://freakonomics.com/podcast/failure-is-your-friend-a-new-freakonomics-radio-podcast/

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Finally an episode on polyamorous parenting. Libby shares her take.

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SHOW LINKS

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/769016.How_to_Talk_So_Kids_Will_Listen_Listen_So_Kids_Will_Talk

Untamed: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52129515-untamed

On Disruption: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/When-Life-is-Turned-Upside-Down-ecpob2

Slow Down to Break Up: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/Slow-Down-to-Break-Up-edjjsa

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby talks about the gift of time apart.

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Esther Perel: Sex Needs Space - https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sex-needs-space_b_136540

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby offers ways to create a culture of appreciation within your relationship, and why that is important, but also how it can sometimes be hard.

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SHOW LINKS

The Gottman Institute on a Culture of Appreciation: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

I Appreciate... Exercise: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ofEdpMG8KqhPvS0vj6hWWucTfEZdxqHvvJkydmbVuJU/edit?usp=sharing

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby talks about issues that seem to have no clear good solution. Her suggestion? Understanding the problem is more important than solving it

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SHOW LINKS

Dreams Within Conflict Worksheet

No Advice, Please (how to hold space)

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

On this episode, Libby is joined by her partner Kyrr to talk about why it's important to acknowledge the truth about change.

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SHOW LINKS

Giving Kickass Feedback (and When Not To): https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/Giving-Kickass-Feedback-and-When-Not-To-ego34v

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Lots of tips in this episode! Libby talks about techniques to manage stress and why it's so important for you and your relationships.

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SHOW LINKS

Emotional Mindfulness Exercise: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10WSyLRGERQLtlFJ8uU-3BQ8kIQUwQNYaRK7KAeA-J8Y/edit

Box Breathing Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOL3isokmY4

Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/592377/burnout-by-emily-nagoski-phd-and-amelia-nagoski-dma/

Taming your Whoosh: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/No-Advice--Please-eb1pbg

No Advice, Please: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/No-Advice--Please-eb1pbg

Moving from Complaint to Request: https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/turning-complaints-requests/

Stress Reducing Conversation: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11VWh8j1jGCFdxm13c-rYV8E8FexKuhnr6VYeemadhi4/edit?usp=sharing

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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This episode is for you if you're a hinge or the point in a "vee." There's a very common trap that many hinge partners fall into that you must avoid if you don't want to be a sucky hinge. Want to know more? Listen to Libby to learn the most essential hinging skill.

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Libby is joined by a plus one in this special bonus episode. In it Libby and her guest provide advice to an anonymous post on Reddit in r/polyamory. This post is both about NRE and also being in a mono-poly hierarchical partnership.

Original r/polyamory post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ilmvuk/hi_guys_just_need_to_get_this_off_my_chest_and/

MPW post on NRE: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/How-to-NRE-eka8c1

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Is the thought of a new relationship exciting -- or terrifying? In this episode, Libby goes into what happens when you're in a new relationship and all wrapped up in its energy, and offers some practical tips on how to navigate it.

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SHOW LINKS

Casual Love, by Carsie Blanton: https://www.carsieblanton.com/blog/post/82149148832/casual-love

Science on the brain in love: https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-05/aps-lai053105.php and https://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain/love-and-brain

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Love is infinite, but time is not, and the struggle is real. In this episode, Libby offers a frame for looking at time that may be at the root of some of your challenges around time, and some creative ideas how to navigate time limitations by looking at not just the amount, but the type of time you're spending with the people you love.

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But like, serious business.

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SHOW LINKS

Listen Up Episode: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/Listen-Up-e9bv84

Rock the Boat Episode: https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork/episodes/Stand-Up-and-Rock-the-Boat-e9e5mf

Multiamory's RADAR: https://www.multiamory.com/radar

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Libby discusses feedback in greater depth: what it is, what it isn't, and how to do it exceptionally well.

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SHOW LINKS

The Feedback Fallacy (from the Harvard Business Review)

The Engaged Feedback Checklist (pdf download)

The Feedback Wheel (infographic)

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Libby explains Ring Theory and how it can help people know what to say and to whom in a moment of crisis. Content note: this episode will talk about the outcry against police violence toward Black people and how Ring Theory can help white people respond and support the movement for Black lives.

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SHOW NOTES

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

Stacey Patton on White Women's Tears and Social Media

Didi Delgado's Podcast and Facebook and Patreon

Kate Anthony: 5 Racist Anti-Racism Responses “Good” White Women Give to Viral Posts

Confronting racism is not about the needs and feelings of white people by Ijeoma Oluo

How to be a good white ally, according to activists

Scaffolded Anti-Racist Resources

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WHERE TO SEND YOUR RESOURCES

Invest in your local community - patronize Black-owned businesses. 

Support local organizations creating alternatives to policing. Here's are some places to start:

Donate to your local Black Lives Matter Chapter

Donate to your Local Bail Fund

Donate to the National Bail Out (if they're still taking donations)

Black Visions Collective

In this episode, Libby talks about repair, how essential it is to having secure relationships, and outlines the steps for how to make a good repair.

*From Libby: to my listeners who have been following this podcast for awhile, this is to replace the episode "If You Break if, Fix It" - which was pulled, because it didn't say what I wanted it to say. I'm much much happier with this version, which is VERY different. 

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SHOW LINKS

Ed Tronick's Work on Repair

Study of Parents and Preschoolers and Repair

Gottman Insitute: Repair is the Secret Weapon of Emotionally Connected Couples

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Libby shares her most important advice for people who are breaking up or on the brink (and even if you're not) -- slow down.

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SHOW LINKS

Breaking up on Valentine's Day

Normalizing Non-monogamy interview on Relationship Transitions

Download the Peaceful Relationship Transitions Playbook

Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Libby gives some sex advice for your long-term relationships. It's good. Just listen.

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SHOW LINKS

Watch the Movie: Friend with Benefits

7 Ways To Make Practicing Affirmative Consent Sexy

27 Alternatives to Asking "Is This Okay?"

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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In this episode, Libby talks about disruption and offers a 5 step process to move through it more easily.

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MORE READING

3 Vital Skills for the Age of Disruption

How to Find Meaning in Suffering

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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In this episode, Libby gets real about what COVID-19 means for polyamorous people, but how it's also teaching all of us an essential lesson about our relationships - which is that autonomy is an illusion. We need that lesson right now. But we also always did.

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Sign up for the Relationship Survival Skills class: https://libbysinback.com/survival-skills/

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Things look pretty different in the world today than they did two weeks ago. Libby has a message for everyone as we face down new and challenging circumstances.

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In this episode, Libby talks about keeping your attention and energy toward what's really important.

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SHOW LINKS

Kimchi Cuddles

The comic I referenced

Download the Relationship Vision Worksheet

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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In this episode Libby talks about how to navigate things when metamours don't want to be friends.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Learning to hold space for people you love is an essential relationship skill. In this episode, Libby breaks down what holding space is, why it's important, and how to practice it.

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SHOW LINKS

What it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett

11 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Taking a time out is so important when things get heated or uncomfortable. However, there are more useful and less useful ways to take a time out. In this episode, Libby lays out how to take a time out in a way that enhances, rather than disrupts, connection.

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Black Poly Pride: June 4-7, 2020 in Washington, DC

Terry Real's 10 Commandments of a Time Out

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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The most essential skill to having healthier relationships.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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In this episode, Libby offers an idea on making upcoming difficult situations smoother, easier and more connecting.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Libby answers a listener question about navigating sharing a home and sharing that home with other partners.

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SHOW LINKS

Couple Privilege: having it doesn't necessarily make you an asshole (but it might) by Amy Gahran

5 Reasons Couple Privilege Doesn't Exist by Lola Phoenix

'why do couples stop having sex?' is the wrong question by Emily Nagoski

Navigating Difficult Conversations

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Libby talks about what to do when we don't feel seen by the people we love.

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SHOW LINKS

Feeling Understood — Even More Important Than Feeling Loved? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/feeling-understood-even-more-important-feeling-loved

Neural Bases of Being Understood and not Understood: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4249470/

On Feeling Understood and Feeling Well:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2652476/

Loneliness: a disease?https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3890922/

Brené Brown and True Belonging: https://ideas.ted.com/finding-our-way-to-true-belonging/

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Libby talks about when you should tell potential partners that you're polyamorous or nonmonogamous.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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In this episode, Libby talks about ghosting, what it is, why it sucks, when it's justified, and how to cope. Libby also offers a kinder alternative to ghosting.

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SHOW LINKS

Comic on Ghosting by Hell is Other Women: https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/557199481702112

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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Using a real, raw story from her own life, Libby talks about the day-to-day, minute-to-minute practice of gentleness in relationships.

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Show Links

Harvey: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042546/

My favorite article about Fred Rogers: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/19/magazine/mr-rogers.html

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

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