Rainbow Baby

Part two of my conversation with Rachel George focusing on her book “Grieve, Create, Believe: Process Your Loss with Intention and Truth ” and her self-publishing journey.

Through several years of experiencing miscarriage, infant loss, adoption, and the recent birth of another baby, Rachel wrote her book, Grieve, Create, Believe as a way to not only process her own grief through telling her story, but also to help others do the same.

Rachel’s book acknowledges that we can’t escape suffering or run away from pain and helps guide readers through expressing and working through their grief to ultimately move towards healing.

Some of the topics we address are:

-How Rachel decided that her writing needed to be shared through a book

-How writing the book helped with Rachel’s own healing process

-Deciding to self-publish

-What her editing process was like

-Learning what she could do herself to create the book and what to seek help with

-How to put together your own self-publishing team

-Determining when a book is finished

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Connect with Rachel on Instagram @rachelgeorgewrites, her blog, and purchase her book “Grieve Create, Believe” on Amazon.

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

A conversation that includes Rachel’s story of miscarriage, infant loss, adoption, and the recent birth of another baby. Rachel shares her definition of rainbow baby, which is more complicated because of her experience losing two rainbow babies, Clive and Winnie. Through the unimaginable grief of losing two newborns to unrelated heart issues, Rachel and her husband found the courage to continue to pursue their dream to grow their family through the adoption of their daughter Corrie and another pregnancy that resulted in the birth of their son Miles. Throughout the years of these experiences Rachel began writing her book, Grieve, Create, Believeas a way to not only process her own grief through telling her story, but also to help others do the same. Rachel is honest in her sharing and I am in awe of the realness and resilience of her faith journey through some of the darkest times.

Some of the topics we talk about:

-Dealing with the desire to get pregnant immediately after loss

-Rachel’s NICU experiences

-VBAC after loss

-Going through adoption after loss, including a failed adoption

-Coping with fear in deciding to try again after losing two newborns

-Getting comfortable with people not understanding the specific path that you’re walking

-Coping with anxiety during pregnancy after loss

-Dealing with guarded and complicated feelings after giving birth to a rainbow baby

-Learning to ask for help in motherhood after loss

-How Rachel’s faith in God became stronger through grief

-Expressing anger towards God

-Responding to Christian clichés

-Rachel’s advice for parents going through pregnancy after loss

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Connect with Rachel on Instagram @rachelgeorgewrites, her blog, and purchase her book Grieve, Create, Believe on Amazon.

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

I’ve faced some big milestones lately in my journey of pregnancy after loss. These have included making it to the same gestational week where my first baby was stillborn, having a baby shower, setting up the nursery, and taking maternity photos.

I talk about how I’ve coped with fearful and anxious thoughts and ways that I’ve sought reassurance during these emotionally tender times.

-Expressing grief through “mourning time”

-Tips for dealing with sleepless nights and anxiety

-Emotional ups and downs of Week 31

-Setting up our baby nursery

-Not making decisions based on fear

-What I did the morning of our baby shower that helped balance my emotions

Show Notes:

-The importance of Kick Counting countthekicks.org

-Listen to our photographer Devin Travieso’s story on Episode Seven of Rainbow Baby

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

I can’t believe I’m finally entering my third trimester of pregnancy! In this episode I talk about…

-managing my expectations and fears

-dealing with aches and pains and prioritizing self-care

-seeing a chiropractor

-planning a drive-by baby shower and building a baby registry

-the importance of kick counting

-and deciding on a name for our baby

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Show Notes:

Count the Kicks App

Kicks Count rainbow wristband

Hunter and I check in with each other a little over halfway through our current experience of pregnancy after loss.

We talk about:

-The differences between this pregnancy and our first pregnancy with Ellis

-Milestones we’ve experienced so far in pregnancy after loss

-Staying present when anticipating “loss date” anniversaries during pregnancy after loss

-Fears we still have at this point and feeling comfortable planning for a future with the baby

-The impact of COVID-19 on pregnancy and birth and creating a new image of our experience

-Finding peace about our decision for a scheduled C-section

-What I’ve learned so far from other podcast interviewees and biggest takeaways from other bereaved parents

-What we’re looking forward to about the last trimester and giving birth

Show Notes:

-Count the Kicks App

-Kicks Count rainbow wristband

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

Week 20 of my current pregnancy…I talk about my mid-pregnancy anatomy scan and questions I had for my perinatal specialist about the topic of sleeping on your side during pregnancy. This was something that had started giving me anxiety as I was getting further along in the pregnancy because I had fretted that sleeping on my back might have caused Ellis’ stillbirth.

The outcome of our conversation gave me much relief and I hope it’s helpful for you, too. I also share some tips for getting good sleep during pregnancy.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

The past two weeks I’ve been away from social media and have instead spent lots of time reading, talking with people in person, praying, and mourning. I’ll never be able to fully understand the atrocities and injustices that Black people experience, but I do know grief. My instinct has been to go into a space of contemplation. We all need time to mourn and to process and internalize what has happened—to be sad, to be angry, to listen, to question, to be still, and to take action.

Someone recently asked me how I feel about bringing a baby into the world right now with so much unrest. My response was that I’m hopeful. Countless generations before us have created new life in the midst of deeply trying times because they hoped for a better future. This is an opportunity to educate myself more on issues of social justice and racial inequality and to teach our son about these issues. And I’m hopeful because I see and hear so many others around me doing the same thing.

I recorded a new podcast episode recently to give an update on weeks 12-16 of my current pregnancy. I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant so it’s a little behind schedule. I talk about my decision whether or not to use an at-home doppler, learning how to be a better advocate for myself at prenatal visits during pregnancy after loss, and consulting with several doctors about VBAC vs repeat cesarean and what we ended up deciding. I also share what Ellis’ second stillbirthday was like and how we’ve started to connect more with our rainbow baby—I’m feeling him kick everyday now.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

This is a very special episode featuring my conversation with Alissa Christensen, who’s baby Anna was stillborn two years ago today—May 20, 2018, the same day as my baby Ellis.

She’s the only other loss mom I’ve met who’s baby shares that birthday. It’s also the 20th episode of this podcast, airing on Ellis and Anna’s second birthdays—May 20, 2020. I just love all the synchronicity.

Alissa and I originally connected through Instagram after our babies were stillborn on the same day. She experienced a placental abruption that resulted in Anna’s stillbirth and almost took Alissa’s life as well. Since then I’ve watched her story continue to unfold as she became pregnant and gave birth to her fourth baby, Quinn, though not without difficulty.

She experienced preterm labor that eventually landed her in the hospital for several weeks and was followed by a month long NICU stay after Quinn was born. Alissa talks about dealing with compounded grief after experiencing the loss of her sister shortly followed by Anna’s stillbirth.

She shares how she was able to cope with grief by creating a successful blood drive as a legacy for Anna and also by crocheting hats in honor of Anna and other lost babies for her small business, A Missing Stitch. She also talks about what it was like to give birth to Quinn with the same doctor and hospital and how loss affects her two years later.

Our conversation ended up lasting several hours because we just had so much to talk about with each other. I did my best to cut it down for this episode, but will be releasing a bonus episode soon with some extra content about stillbirth that I think is really important. I hope this conversation resonates with you as much as it did for us!

Alissa talks about:

-How grief changes two years after stillbirth

-Dealing with compounded grief

-The value of connecting with other loss parents, especially via Instagram

-Her definition of a rainbow baby

-Being present during a rainbow baby pregnancy

-Establishing a blood drive as a legacy for her stillborn daughter, Anna

-A Missing Stitch—crocheting as therapy in grief after stillbirth

-Stillbirth and c-section

-Trying to conceive again after stillbirth

-Getting pregnant again 6 months after stillbirth

-Returning to the same doctor and hospital

-Her preterm labor and NICU experience with last pregnancy

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Connect with Alissa on Instagram @lissables, her blog, and A Missing Stitch.

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

Because I know that this is often a complicated holiday for mothers who have lost babies. I talk about why I believe that mothers without living children are still mothers and also share how I felt my first Mother’s Day after Ellis was stillborn compared to this Mother's Day, a year later, being pregnant again after loss. I give my advice for supporting yourself or another loss mom on this day and include a short guided meditation for peace at the end.

I hope this episode helps warm your heart a little today.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

Jenn Hepton is a certified grief and life coach who has walked through much hardship on her journey to a rainbow baby.

After a difficult fertility diagnosis she became pregnant with twins and unfortunately went on to develop severe complications, which ultimately led to the incredibly difficult decision to terminate for medical reasons as recommended by several doctors. In her next pregnancy she and her husband decided to pursue donor eggs to conceive. Devastatingly that pregnancy ended in the stillbirth of their daughter, Loey.

Jenn talks about their eventual decision to pursue surrogacy, what it was like to meet their rainbow baby, Milo, and how she is consciously parenting after loss. Most recently, her journey to another baby via surrogacy has been put on pause due to COVID-19, as is the case for many others seeking fertility treatments during this time.

Overall Jenn’s story is one of hope. I gained so much from our conversation and I hope you do as well.

Jenn talks about:

-her personal definition of a rainbow baby

-conceiving with an egg donor

-the decision to move toward surrogacy and tips for choosing a surrogate

-living an empowered life after loss

-choosing joy during pregnancy after loss

-how she began grief and life coaching

-moving towards post traumatic growth after loss

-coping with anxiety and grief at the birth of a rainbow baby

-conscious parenting after loss

-being forced to postpone her second surrogacy journey due to COVID-19

-practices for feeling safe through uncertainty

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Connect with Jenn at lossintransition.com and A Conscious Motherhood where she is offering a new course LIFE AFTER BABY LOSS : A 3 week experience of support. The course will launch on Mother's Day FREE for that entire day using the code FREE4YOU

Follow Jenn on Instagram @loeys.hugs

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

Lots of “firsts” in this episode. I revisit my regular OB for the first time during this pregnancy and also have my first visit with a perinatal specialist.

I talk about my first time getting asked the question, “Is this your first baby?,” revisiting the same ultrasound room where I last had a scan with the baby I miscarried a year before, and talking with the specialist about birth plans such as VBAC vs a repeat c-section.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

A documentation of weeks 8 and 9 of my pregnancy including our weekly ultrasound results and graduating from our fertility clinic.

I talk about getting diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma, how I’ve continued to cope with anxiety related to pregnancy after loss and COVID-19, and my feelings about how pregnancy and the pandemic are being represented in the media right now.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

A recap of weeks 4-7 of my pregnancy, which includes cultivating peace and coping with anxiety leading up to our first ultrasound and the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

These first few weeks also included attending the first baby shower I’ve been to since Ellis was stillborn and what that experience was like. I also address some comments people have made about my pregnancy and how I respond to them. I share my tips for managing anxiety and some of the books and resources I’ve been utilizing.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

A documentation of my two week wait after our second frozen embryo transfer. I talk about what the transfer was like and give a day by day account of my experience leading up to our pregnancy testing.

I give my perspective on how I was able to cultivate peace and hope during this time, how to deal with symptom spotting, staying away from google, my experience of pregnancy test anxiety, and more.

As a heads up, I do share symptoms I had during my two week wait and also reveal the results of our pregnancy test. I hope this episode is helpful to any of you out there who are currently in a two week wait or will be soon.

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Support this podcast by purchasing my “day by day” rainbow lapel pins!

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

Shannon Pike shares honestly and articulately about her relationship to pain, joy, fear, and anxiety after the stillbirth of her first daughter Marie and the miscarriage of her twins, and how she was able to stay present while pregnant with her rainbow baby.

Shannon talks about:

—her personal definition of a rainbow baby

—hope and anxiety when things in life get really hard

—the importance of kick counting for every pregnant woman

—whether or not to use an at-home doppler during pregnancy after loss

—how to visualize laboring a rainbow baby after a traumatic stillbirth

—returning to the same doctor and hospital after loss

—creating a birth plan and including your lost baby

—her postpartum experience 

Through her journey, Shannon ultimately realizes that she can’t put all her hope in another baby and instead needs to cultivate hope unattached to outcome. Shannon’s experience of spiritual growth through darkness has been such a light to me and I know it will be for you, too.

Mentioned in the episode…

—Information about kick counting during pregnancy including a free downloadable app at countthekicks.org

—Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair by Miriam Greenspan

Connect with Shannon on Instagram @shannonmpike

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss, whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

In this episode Hunter and I talk about our IVF egg retrieval and what it was like to go through the stimulation phase of our IVF cycle. Over the last two weeks I’ve given myself a total of 56 injections, gone to six acupuncture sessions, and had four blood draws, so I’ve felt a little like a voo doo doll.

I’m so grateful to say that everything went really smoothly for us and I felt good, physically and emotionally, through the entire process. Listen in to hear how many eggs we had retrieved and what’s next for us.

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Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode.

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

This episode is my conversation with Jess Lowry, who’s the family minister at the church where I grew up in San Antonio, Texas. Our stories collided when Jess showed up for me at the hospital the night Ellis was stillborn and ended up baptizing him. Since then, Jess and I’ve developed a deep friendship as she began to share her own story of pregnancy loss with me, which includes seven miscarriages, the stillbirth of her first rainbow baby Ava, and three more rainbow babies, including an adopted little girl.

Jess’ story is full of tenacity and vulnerability and she tells difficult details that she’s never shared publicly in hopes that it will help those of you out there who are hurting to feel less alone in your pain. Jess talks about hitting rock bottom after struggling with infertility and miscarriage and finding herself on the brink of divorce and also attempting suicide.

Jess’ story is so powerful to me because it would be easy for an outsider to assume that she has a “perfect” life, which we all know doesn’t really exist, but instead Jess reveals that her life has actually been shaped in surprising ways by the dark and heavy parts of her path that most of us prefer to hide.

Jess continues to be an inspiration to me and has helped me to better understand how God continues to be present with me through the darkness of pregnancy loss and grief. I hope her story is a guiding light for you as well.

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To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

We’ve got big news on our rainbow baby journey…we’re starting IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)! And for the first time, my husband Hunter is on the podcast!

We talk about our our feelings and expectations with starting IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), our extensive test results and diagnosis, what the IVF process will look like for us, and we go in-depth about how grief and recurrent pregnancy loss has effected our relationship.

We also play a question game created by Hunter’s favorite musician, Brian Eno, which resulted in some juicy conversation.

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Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode.

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

Photographer Devin Travieso is a husband and father of two daughters, including a rainbow baby.

In this episode Devin speaks openly and honestly about what it was like to go through two back to back miscarriages with his wife, Johanna, and the hardships of repeat pregnancy loss. He also goes into detail about grief and pregnancy after loss from a father’s perspective and offers insight and guidance for other grieving fathers, who are unfortunately often overlooked. Devin emphasizes the importance of seeking connection during times of struggle and darkness and chooses to “love with both feet in.”

Devin has shared about his family’s losses on Instagram and also posts beautiful photos of his family along with the images he shoots professionally. I’m so grateful to be able to share his story with you and I know his perspective as a loss dad will provide important insight for other fathers and mothers alike.

See Devin’s work at photographywayfarer.com

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

The latest update on our journey trying to conceive including our first visit to a fertility clinic after multiple chemical pregnancies, a miscarriage, and a stillbirth.

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Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode.

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

Artist Sarah Fox has made poignantly beautiful work during and after her three miscarriages and continues to make art about her adopted rainbow baby, William.

This episode tells the story of Sarah’s three miscarriages, including her baby Finn, who she lost at the end of her first trimester of pregnancy. She talks about the difficulty of handling depression and anxiety while being off prescription medications during pregnancy after loss as well as the testing she went through to try to find the cause of her miscarriages. Sarah shares how she and her husband finally made the decision to adopt their son, William, through a private adoption and what that process was like.

As a heads up, Sarah does share physical details of her miscarriage in this episode. I think it’s so important to talk about considering that one in four pregnancies ends in loss and so many women walk through that experience alone and in the dark about what to expect.

Sarah speaks candidly and is such a joy to talk with. She is able to find beauty in her pain and darkness and is such a bright person. I know her story will have an impact.

See Sarah’s work at sarahfoxart.com

To connect with me visit taylorashleybates.com and find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

And please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

This episode tells the story of my miscarriage that happened 11 months after the stillbirth of my son Ellis.

I talk about my experience of pregnancy after loss and the emotions it brought up for me and I also go into detail about what my doctors visits were like, my unexpected visit to the emergency room, what it was like to miscarry with the aide of prescription medication, and my surprising reactions in the weeks following.

If any of this might be triggering for you, feel free to skip this episode. My intention is not to cause you anxiety or heartache, but to offer encouragement to those of you out there with a similar experience and to help you feel less alone.

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Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode.

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

In this episode I interview Amber Meegan, who founded the Shine On Run for pregnancy and Infant Loss in San Antonio, Texas. After losing her twin boys, Amber discovered that running gave her a sense of renewed strength and healing. This inspired her to create a remembrance run supporting other loss moms as well as their families and friends and also celebrating rainbow babies. Amber has three rainbow babies and talks about her story of loss, pregnancy after loss, and parenting after loss.

I hope my conversation with Amber is a light to you wherever you are on your journey. Amber’s had ten years to reflect on the loss of her twins and has a true gift for putting words to her experience of grief and healing. Her bright and grounded spirit is a balm to my own grief.

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Learn more about the Shine On Remembrance Run: For Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Connect with Amber on Instagram @shineonrun

Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode.

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

In this episode I tell the beginning of my story of trying to conceive after loss and how that journey has evolved. I talk about my frustrations and how trying to conceive makes me feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. I also share the best piece of advice I’ve gotten for this challenging season of life.

I hope this episode is meaningful for you. If you’d like to connect with me, you can visit taylorashleybates.com and also find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates.

Please share this podcast with anyone you know who is walking through life after pregnancy loss—whether they are trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or parenting after loss.

And please subscribe and review this podcast. Your feedback will help shape this podcast and will also help others to find it.

This episode tells the story of my first son Ellis’ stillbirth and why rainbows have become so special to us—the inspiration behind the Rainbow Baby Podcast.

I share my experience of stillbirth at 31 weeks, how we honored Ellis after his death, the darkness of grief and symbols of hope, and a two-minute guided meditation at the end of the episode.

Visit taylorashleybates.com for show notes and a full transcript of this episode. Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates

A Rainbow Baby is defined as a baby born subsequent to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of an infant from natural causes.

This podcast follows host, Taylor Bates, through her journey of becoming pregnant again after her son, Ellis, was stillborn in May 2018.

Also included are honest and hopeful conversations with others sharing their own Rainbow Baby stories including trying to conceive after loss, pregnancy, recurrent loss, adoption, and parenting after loss.

To learn more and connect with me, visit taylorashleybates.com

Find me on Instagram @taylorashleybates